Paying grandparents/family members to look after baby

[Lilacriver]

I’m returning to work soon and I’m going to be offering mine and MIL a bit of money to care for baby (3 days a week, taking it in turns) neither work but both have regular groups / clubs that they will be giving up to look after my baby which they are happy to do.

Some of my friends are shocked I’d offer and think I shouldn’t offer and expect them to do it for free but I am not sure what to do. They are also saying my mum and DH mum will be wrong to accept money from me.

If you’re a grandparent, do you get paid? If you’re a mum with a baby, do you pay grandparents? If so, how much is a good amount? I’ll be going back 3 days a week so won’t be earning too much

I gave my mum some money each month , she never asked for it , but it allowed her to take kids out and spoil them a bit . It’s no one else’s business what you do.

How old is the baby? 3 days a week is so much. I know because my in laws did it for 5 months for us when I had to go back to work unexpectedly. They now do 1 day and are exhausted when I pick her up. There's 2 of them and they're in great health and it's a short day (10-4). Does you dm know when she's in for?

if grandparents don’t need the money then payment is not an issue. The benefits of looking after a grandchild are immense. They bring so much joy, you create a bond that is priceless.

@toomuchlaundry Poster sounds like one of those that goes out for an expensive meal, had steak and champagne and yet manages to get away with paying barely anything.

I think buying an appreciation of your thanks is hardly difficult. You are saying it is because your children aren't a financial transaction but I think it is because you are a bit of a user, out to get something for nothing. They are saving you thousands. At least sneakily put some cash in their accounts.

My parents have 15 month old DD two days a week and she is in nursery for 2 days, I work 4 days a week. She does a short ish day at my parent’s house and we take her and bring her back so no travelling for them. I haven’t seen it mentioned on this thread but my cousin’s parents go to hers while she’s at work, I do think that’s an additional ‘job’ and they do her housework too.

I don’t pay my parents and they wouldn’t take money from me either (fwiw they are not rich but comfortably off), I do buy all consumables that DD needs - nappies, suncream etc even though DM likes to buy her own, send her with all meals & snacks and pay for activities. I don’t want them to be out of pocket, even though DD always comes home with new dresses etc in her bag and mum likes to buy toys for her in charity shops. We often rotate toys and books between our houses so she doesn’t get bored.

There's a difference in looking after grandkids whilst parents want to go shopping or have a night out etc or actually looking after them for set days each week. (Something I did a lot)

I gave up my job to mind mine 4 days a week. This entailed being committed to getting to my dds house for 8 in the morning, I didn't drive so went on my bike. Dropped off eldest at school, and minded baby all day.

I was tied to the house as had to pick up eldest at home time. Then do their tea, then had to wait for parents to arrive home. It was usually about 6pm when I got home. I remember son in law saying he didn't see why I should be paid something. It was a huge commitment and it still annoys me to think he thought I should have done all that for nothing.

I remember son in law saying he didn't see why I should be paid something.
@Castlerock44 😨

What an entitled Pratt. Probably thinks it's 'wiminz work' or something...🙄
You gave up your job to provide free (full time) childcare, getting there for 8, getting home at 6 and that was son in laws attitude!? Hearing that would have been the day I'd have turned around and told them the arrangement wasn't working for me, and got myself back into work. Sounds like they did a right number on you there 🙁

If the grandparents don't need any money that's great but I think expecting them to do it without offering is very entitled. Arriving with a little gift from time to time is a nice gesture and shows you appreciate what grandparents are doing. Looking after a GC is lovely but you can't get away from the fact that doing full days so the parents can work without paid child care is doing them a massive favour and it is appropriate to acknowledge that.

So would you happily see your children sat inside all day doing nothing rather than contribute towards an outing? Isn't it just good manners to offer to at least buy an ice cream?

That doesn't mean they can afford it just that they don't feel you would let them if they asked for the money you've already said grandparents childcare will only be used if it's free

He was an arse and I hope it's not a sign of a how he treats your daughter.

One works full time and one is no longer with us.

I offered to pay my parents for childcare, I knew they’d spend it on my the kids anyway either in food, treats, visits etc. They declined, so I bought them a slightly bigger birthday and Christmas present, supplied all nappies, wipes, spare clothes and bought food sometimes.

Jesus I paid my parents 1thousand a month to watch my child for 3 days a week! And i provided all nappies, food, paid for activities etc etc etc. My parents still complained even though it was for a very limited time!

I wouldn't pay again, it confuses boundaries.

We don't pay my husbands nan for looking after my ds. She has done since he was in nursery and I went back full time. She wouldn't accept money. But what we do do is come round with flowers, take her for meals out and include her in family holidays.
He is now old enough (10) that actually he's helping her and giving her company and she enjoys him being there rather than a burden. They have a really strong bond and I think if you're in a position to encourage this with BOTH grand parents you are in a very lucky position.
I'd offer but also be prepared that they won't accept!

@Lilacriver I agree with you on offering. Slighly off topic but I say this kindly, I think you need to re-frame this -'They love my DS to bits but they are also giving up parts of their life for me and DS so I think it’s right for me to offer'

It's 'us' and DS. Please don't make childcare about facilitating you and your career because your DS has 2 parents. So in future if a grandparent is ill or on holiday etc, remember it's not just on you to sort things out or take a day off work 😉

So my children are now 11 and 8 but MIL looked after them for us 4 days per week from 7:30 to around 5:00 and they fed them breakfast, lunch and dinner, paid for any days out etc. We paid them £500 per month to cover the extra food, petrol, they brought nappies etc. MIL did say no to payment initially but hubby insisted, MIL also looked after SIL kids for no payment at all.

Since COVID, we reduced that to £400 as they no longer have them at their house or have to fed them but do the school runs 4 days a week. I feel we pay way too much to them now & with oldest off to secondary school DH and I have discussed reducing this more. They will have DD anytime we ask, if we have to stay later in the office etc.

It can be awkward when you pay as I feel they have become reliant on the money so is suggesting a reduction may be difficult for them.

Also in that generation, often the GM never went back to full time work after their kids grew up, and the GD’s are probably still working full time

Which generation would this be?

They wouldn’t sit inside all day so that isn’t a concern.

The generation with parents in mid/late 50s and early 60s

They could afford it. We’re not wealthy, but we’re not poor either.

I agree.

I think it's very restricting. They might be happy now, but what about if they need to do something/appointments/holidays etc.

Do you treat them at all @DaisyAndDonaldDuck as a thank you?