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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being besieged with gifts I don’t want

106 replies

Uptosomething · 06/08/2023 16:03

I genuinely am unsure how to approach this because the person it concerns has autism. If he didn’t it would be different but he does.

He has bought me hundreds of pounds of vouchers for treatments I don’t want - sort of acupuncture type stuff. I’m less than 3 weeks post c section and also have a toddler to deal with, I have enough on my plate.

It’s a nice thought but I am a bit fed up of feeling semi bullied into going for treatment I don’t want. I’m finding it a bit invasive and demanding. What I don’t know is how to explain this Sad

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 06/08/2023 16:16

More context needed.

What is relationship to you? Is he your partner or a member of your immediate family? Or just a friend/acquaintance/colleague? Is this a one-off gift, or has he been sending you these gifts for ages? Why haven’t you simply said “Please stop giving me gifts”?

The fact that someone is autistic doesn’t mean you can’t be clear and direct with them - if anything, being clear and direct is doubly important with someone whose autism might mean they struggle to take hints, pick up social cues or read between the lines.

If someone’s behaviour makes you uncomfortable, however well-meaning they are, it is perfectly OK to firmly tell them that it’s not appropriate and you’d like them to stop.

Floppyear · 06/08/2023 16:17

You don’t say whether you have actually been straight with him

MrTiddlesTheCat · 06/08/2023 16:23

Have you made it clear you don't like or want the gifts?

Ditzyduck · 06/08/2023 16:26

Could you sell the vouchers and use rhe money for something else you do want?

Ponoka7 · 06/08/2023 16:27

I had to explain to my autistic DD that she was being over generous, ime it's best to be honest and say that nothing else is needed and they've given you well enough. Don't use an excuse of you being too busy because the gifts will just change.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/08/2023 16:27

the person it concerns has autism

IME of similar, straight talking with no room for misinterpretation works. Better than it does with ND people actually.

Original poster
Uptosomething · 06/08/2023 16:33

The problem with straight talking is that it’s closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. He’s bought the vouchers now, saying I don’t want them might stop further gifts of this nature but doesn’t actually stop the problem of them now. He’s a relative.

OP posts:
Floppyear · 06/08/2023 16:34

Uptosomething · 06/08/2023 16:33

The problem with straight talking is that it’s closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. He’s bought the vouchers now, saying I don’t want them might stop further gifts of this nature but doesn’t actually stop the problem of them now. He’s a relative.

so… either use them later on or regift

no big deal and so bother option

Original poster
Uptosomething · 06/08/2023 16:38

It may not be a big deal but I’d still like advice on how to approach it. I can’t regift them as no one would be interested. I don’t want to unnecessarily hurt feelings but I am struggling with near constant messages about the vouchers.

OP posts:
Floppyear · 06/08/2023 16:39

As ok so your kids are disappointed but I will hedge a bet that her children are considerably older and she now has to factor their interests in to planning

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/08/2023 16:40

Thank you so much for the vouchers. Please don’t buy me any more, it’s hard to get to appointments at the moment. It was a kind thought though, but no more thanks.

tescocreditcard · 06/08/2023 16:43

It's time to work on your communication skills and find a way to gently tell him you won't be using them. Part of adult life is having to have difficult conversations with people sometimes, it comes with the terf.

BicOrange · 06/08/2023 16:43

Just say you're saving them till you have more time, you'll probably use them in the Spring (or whenever) and you'll let them know how you get on.
Then a conversation about how this was a lovely gift, but it was more than enough, and no more gifts in the future.
Ignore and delete any further messages about this particular topic.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/08/2023 16:44

Uptosomething · 06/08/2023 16:38

It may not be a big deal but I’d still like advice on how to approach it. I can’t regift them as no one would be interested. I don’t want to unnecessarily hurt feelings but I am struggling with near constant messages about the vouchers.

Well unless the voucher place has no customers at all, someone would be interested.

Give them to a charity for a raffle, sell them for half price online, give them back to the relative.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 06/08/2023 16:47

Could you sell
them on local selling site( obviously not if he might see the post?)
Or see if a friend would like to use them?

Greenfree · 06/08/2023 16:48

Can you say tha you have enough vouchers now and pretend to be excited to use them?

Original poster
Uptosomething · 06/08/2023 16:48

All those things are potentially quite hurtful.

I think the issue is that I can say the above but I don’t think he’d hear it really. It’s left me feeling bad and annoyed as well because I am being pushed into doing something I have no interest in and no time for.

OP posts:
namechange55465 · 06/08/2023 16:51

Is the problem that the person keeps messaging you asking when you're going to use the vouchers, rather than the giving themselves?

jackstini · 06/08/2023 16:52

How long are they valid for?
Does the place do anything else you could swap them for?
Is he likely to buy more?
Close relative or not?

10HailMarys · 06/08/2023 16:53

Uptosomething · 06/08/2023 16:38

It may not be a big deal but I’d still like advice on how to approach it. I can’t regift them as no one would be interested. I don’t want to unnecessarily hurt feelings but I am struggling with near constant messages about the vouchers.

“I’ll be honest with you: I don’t think I will be able to use the vouchers unfortunately. It might be best if you tried to sell them or passed them on to someone who would be able to use them. I know you mean well but please don’t buy me any more - I don’t want to have any more treatments and all the messages about them are starting to get too stressful for me. I really just want to focus on the kids and my recovery at the moment, sorry.”

Gettinagoldtoof · 06/08/2023 16:53

I’ve just stopped taking responsibility for other people’s actions OP and it’s life changing for me: you tell the person the complete truth and then what they do is not really your concern.

‘I love that you thought about me and cared about me enough to get me a gift but I don’t want any vouchers please.’ Perhaps ‘I don’t like acupuncture’ too.

Then you leave it. His feelings about your needs and views (as long as you’ve framed them with love and clearly) is not something you need to be concerned with. Life changing, truly!

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/08/2023 16:55

Uptosomething · 06/08/2023 16:48

All those things are potentially quite hurtful.

I think the issue is that I can say the above but I don’t think he’d hear it really. It’s left me feeling bad and annoyed as well because I am being pushed into doing something I have no interest in and no time for.

You're tying yourself in knots to not have boundaries. Just have boundaries. "Thanks for the vouchers. It was really nice of you. I won't use them so would you rather I sold them or would you like to use them?"

Or just shut up and allow the money to be wasted.

I used to teach assertiveness and communication skills and used to say, "you can chose to be passive, that's a valid choice. You can't choose to be passive and expect to get everything you get through being assertive. If you chose to be passive, you have to let it go."

caerdydd12 · 06/08/2023 16:56

Hi relative,

I'm still recovering from surgery so as much as I appreciate the gifts I'll be unable to use them for a long time. Might be best if you gave them to someone else. I've got a long road ahead with recovery and coping with a newborn and all that entails so please don't waste your money on gifts for me. I'm needing rest at the minute so I'll not be replying all the time but appreciate the thought. Thanks.

Original poster
Uptosomething · 06/08/2023 17:03

I don’t think it’s a boundary issue, it’s an autism issue. But I’m sure you felt good typing that.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 06/08/2023 17:04

How about.

Hi Relative.

Thank you so much for the vouchers, that's really kind of you. Not sure if you realise but it takes a while to recover from a C-section. So I can either keep them and use them later, when I am all recovered and baby is not so small and needing me, so maybe after Christmas. Or, if you prefer, you can have them back if you think your mum/sister/aunt Flo (delete as appropriate) might like to use them?