Being besieged with gifts I don’t want

[Uptosomething]

I genuinely am unsure how to approach this because the person it concerns has autism. If he didn’t it would be different but he does.

He has bought me hundreds of pounds of vouchers for treatments I don’t want - sort of acupuncture type stuff. I’m less than 3 weeks post c section and also have a toddler to deal with, I have enough on my plate.

It’s a nice thought but I am a bit fed up of feeling semi bullied into going for treatment I don’t want. I’m finding it a bit invasive and demanding. What I don’t know is how to explain this

Good thinking!

Wasn't there a thread about a husband who bought the same necklace for his wife three times recently? It might be the person is just stuck on 'this is the gift for X' and can't move on from it.

I would feel uncomfortable about the size of the gift, but short of being relatively blunt (my children say to me 'use your words' when I'm expecting everyone to be a mind reader) I don't see what else you can do. Otherwise this might continue on other birthdays/events.

Tell him not to…calmly and firmly then divert into what would make a good gift for you. Remember he may have been told that a pamper for a new mum gift would be suitable but be pretty clueless as to what might be a suitable pamper gift for you if no one has actually told him a specific gift.

Buying a gift is a scary thing for all of them. They worry about getting it wrong and also worry about keep getting it wrong in the future. Instead they know it is okay to be upfront and tell someone they would like to buy a gift that they could use so please could the person they intend the gift for help than and give them the exact name of said gift. lot less stress and worry for them and less likely to result in me getting something from whatever their current personal interest is.

My eldest is profoundly autistic, second DS has ASD and youngest daughter waiting for assessments for ASD. None of them can read social situations or make a guess about what someone may mean. they tend to take language in its concrete and literal meaning.

I had to tell my daughter NOT to keep buying spa and afternoon tea vouchers for her mum and dad as entering a spa would make me cringe from embarrassment even if it’s something others might like and her dad is a cealiac. I used a social story to explore different ideas. Now she buys me seeds for the allotment and buys her dad coffee beans and makes him gluten free brownies.

My experience is it’s best to be straightforward with autistic people as they struggle to ‘read between the lines’. Lots of good suggestions above but a simple ‘thank for thinking of me, but I don’t want these gifts as I’m recovering from surgery and don’t use these kind of treatments,’ will suffice. You have to say something or it won’t stop.

I had to ask a dear friend to stop giving me little things she had found in gift shops. They were lovely, and I would have liked to have kept them, but don't have the room. Among the things I still have are some of the gifts she gave me prior to our conversation, and these are precious to me.

I have also just communicated with some close relatives, giving them a list of what I don't want for my upcoming birthday. e.g.no booze, no plants, no flowers, because I don't drink, kill plants and hate having to do most of the work if I get flowers. Might this kind of approach be more helpful.

If there's something that would always be acceptable, feel free to specify. For me, this is dark chocolate ginger

not followed the advice then

Earrings. I think there were five sets in two different colours. Expensive and not particularly nice.

OP, I teach and find that children with autism usually respond best to a straightforward explanation.

I think it should be possible to thank him for the kind and generous gift whilst also saying that you won't be able to make use of the vouchers. Give him some choices regarding what he would like you to do with them - give them back, give them to someone else of his choosing, ask the spa (or whatever it is) whether they would exchange for a different treatment or product.

Don’t blame their autism when you haven’t even tried to tell them!

”Thank you for showing you care about me with a gift. I don’t like acupuncture though, so I won’t use these. I’ll give them back to you - you can keep them to give to someone else or use yourself. When can you come round to visit the new baby? I’d love to see you.”

Or a hundred other easy variations. You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill here. He’s autistic, not stupid or a child.

I'll preface this by saying I'm autistic/ADHD.

So, what's the issue that you need help with here? I've read through your comments and I'm not quite clear.

You acknowledged that you can stop the flow of vouchers so you don't get any more, so presumably that's not an issue?

So is it that you have the vouchers and they are messaging you asking if you've used them, and whether you enjoyed them? And that you don't know what to say?

Apologies if I've misunderstood but I'm assuming that's the issue.

Every time they ask, can you not just defer the matter - "with the baby and little one, I've not had the chance to use the voucher yet - might be a while to be honest." And then just leave it at that - would that resolve the problem? Just keep putting them off, and keep stating that it will be a while yet.

You don't have to use the vouchers at all. And they don't need to know if you'd rather not confront the issue.

I agree in principle that being honest and direct is better but some ND folk can also struggle with something known as RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) which could make refusing a gift feel like a really big deal, a huge rejection.

We obviously don't know your relative, and how they would feel about a direct conversation. If you think they might be sensitive about a perceived rejection, then just don't use the vouchers and just tell them that you haven't got round to it yet. Rinse and repeat. If at a distant point in the future they ask, you can just say "oh goodness, yes, used them ages ago - thanks very much! I can't remember much about it now but it was great! Shame I don't really have time for any more sessions..."

And if it's waste that you're worried about then maybe a different mindset is needed. Your relative feels good because they've given you something, a local business has benefitted from vouchers being purchased - that's two big ticks. Even if you don't use the vouchers, both of those things are still true so it's not a complete "waste". There's no point spending time doing something you don't want to do - but there are still plenty of positives to the situation. Even more if you quietly donate the vouchers to a charity raffle!!!

I have autism and I would HATE it if someone didn't tell me I was wasting my money. Tell him it was a lovely thought but you really don't think you'll find the time use the vouchers and as it's more his thing than yours, you're returning them so he can use them. And ask him to check with you before buying you anything else, just in case.

There is a way to say this the right way, whether it's my suggestion or someone else's. You just have to bite the bullet and do it. I know this is not the answer you're looking for but it's the only way, try not to be so rigid in your thinking and be a little more open to what EVERYONE is telling you.

I would position it that you are very grateful for all the support and you can't wait to use them. It's really nice to have his support but can he not buy any more for now until you've had a chance to use these ones up as you want to make sure you get use for them before their end date

Also consider if they are trying to make things useful for you, or have a way to keep in touch with you? Could you position it that you'd rather just have them over for a little while to see the kids or come up with other ways for them to support you. If they have anyone else in the family that normally helps to support them, they may also be able to suggest how to phrase it too.

I have a suspicion the OP won't be back

I really don't know what you want posters to say!

Though, "thank you all for your good advice" may have been a more appropriate comment...

'Thanks, but I'm not into that sort of thing.'

Honestly you don't actually seem to want to deal with this, every suggestion is met with a reason that boils down to you don't want to communicate with the person or take an action yourself.

Yes they are autistic but honestly just tell them and remind yourself that it is them with the communication disorder not you... they will be more confused and upset by this, then a straight, thank you so much but I wasn't expecting such a generous gift and to be honest I feel dreadful but acupuncture is not my thing, I don't think I would use it... I don't suppose you know anyone else.

Be honest straightforward and polite.

Or just shove them in a draw forget about them and lie tell them you had it done.

You sit him down and you tell him to stop buying gifts for you.
That it's nice he is so kind hearted but his gifts are too much and he needs to stop. Tell him that you will not accept any more gifts and he should spend his money on other things or put money into savings.

My adult sons both have autism and you need to communicate very clearly.

Will he feel hurt? Yes. Maybe he will. It's not the end of the world.

Enlist the help of his parent or close relative and perhaps get them to explain to him if you think you'll struggle.

See this is a message that as an autistic person myself, wouldn't convey to me at all that you didn't want the gifts. I know that's what it's saying because it's in the thread, but I genuinely can't see it from the words written.

I knew I'd read this before!

@MrTiddlesTheCat I’m not autistic, but I also think that’s unnecessarily convoluted and confusing! I do take the overall message that it’s a no - but it’s really not clear!

I'm also autistic and I would think that you were trying to save me money or somehow thinking that I'd be cross if you didn't use the vouchers for a while.

So my response would be "no, I'd rather give them to you than anyone else, and it's not a waste of money, you're worth it. No worries if it's a while before you can use them".

Before this thread, that would have been my immediate thought and response. I wouldn't have guessed that the person was trying to gently let me down.

She will but might be two years later.

My Ds has autism...I would say thank you. I love how thoughtful you were, unfortunately with baby and recovering for C section. It is something I really won't get round to using, Save your money ..

If I gave subtle hints he wouldn't get it.

I thought I was going bonkers as I too remember a very similar thread, circumstances, gift and rebuttal of all attempts to help solve the situation.

It's often if you have done it once they think you want it all the time. So will buy it repeatedly because they think you like it. With autism it's better to tell them what you do want them to do not what you don't.

And when they think "Oh, that's a shame. I'll wait until the baby is older then gift them some more vouchers. After all, she didn't say she didn't like them!"....?

The OP (or indeed anyone else who stumbles across this thread for similar reasons, if the OP isn't genuine) needs to be clearer than that. They are not a gift that would be of any use, but thank you for the thought.