Being besieged with gifts I don’t want

106 replies

Uptosomething · 06/08/2023 16:03

I genuinely am unsure how to approach this because the person it concerns has autism. If he didn’t it would be different but he does.

He has bought me hundreds of pounds of vouchers for treatments I don’t want - sort of acupuncture type stuff. I’m less than 3 weeks post c section and also have a toddler to deal with, I have enough on my plate.

It’s a nice thought but I am a bit fed up of feeling semi bullied into going for treatment I don’t want. I’m finding it a bit invasive and demanding. What I don’t know is how to explain this

OP posts:

Dibbydoos · 06/08/2023 19:51

The vouchers may be refundable.

My DCs have ASD. I am normally clear with them.

Thanks for the gifts they're lovely but I don't have time to use them. What should we do? Can they be refunded and do something nice together instead? If not is there someone you know who'd like them? Could he use them?

Your relative probably thinks you've had a hard time so need sone pampering. Bless them.

Jonniecomelately · 06/08/2023 20:00

He needs it explained clearly but not hurtfully. "Because I have young children and had a ceaseran section I'm very tired and sore at the moment. Babies wake up a lot in the night so i need to sleep in the day and this makes it difficult to do other things. It will probably be a few months before I have time to use the vouchers as i will need to wait until i feel better and until x has time to babysit for me. I will tell you when I use them so you don't need to ask me."

Keep repeating the same message when he asks you.

JusthereforXmas · 06/08/2023 20:09

triballeader · 06/08/2023 18:26

Tell him not to…calmly and firmly then divert into what would make a good gift for you. Remember he may have been told that a pamper for a new mum gift would be suitable but be pretty clueless as to what might be a suitable pamper gift for you if no one has actually told him a specific gift.

Buying a gift is a scary thing for all of them. They worry about getting it wrong and also worry about keep getting it wrong in the future. Instead they know it is okay to be upfront and tell someone they would like to buy a gift that they could use so please could the person they intend the gift for help than and give them the exact name of said gift. lot less stress and worry for them and less likely to result in me getting something from whatever their current personal interest is.

My eldest is profoundly autistic, second DS has ASD and youngest daughter waiting for assessments for ASD. None of them can read social situations or make a guess about what someone may mean. they tend to take language in its concrete and literal meaning.

I had to tell my daughter NOT to keep buying spa and afternoon tea vouchers for her mum and dad as entering a spa would make me cringe from embarrassment even if it’s something others might like and her dad is a cealiac. I used a social story to explore different ideas. Now she buys me seeds for the allotment and buys her dad coffee beans and makes him gluten free brownies.

Who are 'they'?

My mam was autistic and was famous around those who knew her for her gift giving.

AveAtqueVale · 06/08/2023 20:09

I'm autistic, and fwiw I much prefer just being told about duff presents. 'Thank you for the thought, but I don't like/ won't use/ don't have time for x' - it seems perfectly reasonable that someone might not like or want what I thought they would, and then I'll know for next time. What I find incredibly stressful is when people pretend to like a gift but don't appear to use it - because then I'm left second-guessing whether or not they actually liked it, and if not what was wrong with it. And I still don't know what they'd actually like.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 06/08/2023 20:22

Hi Jimmy, thank you for the vouchers . While the idea is lovely, needles freak me out/this is not really my thing/ it's not something I enjoy/I'm comfortable with /whatever reason why you don't wanna be half naked with a stranger shoving needles in you doing. Would you like the vouchers back so you can get a refund or resell? Love, OP

Don't say you don't have time or anything similar, as he might think it's a good idea ,but at the wrong time and try again . Honest , but nice works best.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 06/08/2023 20:40

If he has autism he may struggle to understand what you mean if you’re beating around the bush.

You need to be very clear but kind and say it’s been very lovely him buying you then but he can stop now as you don’t need anymore as you’ve still got the ones he’s given you and you will let him know when you need another one.

He obviously wants to help so is there anything else he can do instead?

So you can say something like: thank you for the vouchers, I don’t need any more thanks but I’d love to borrow your pressure washer instead if that’s ok.

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