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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being besieged with gifts I don’t want

106 replies

Uptosomething · 06/08/2023 16:03

I genuinely am unsure how to approach this because the person it concerns has autism. If he didn’t it would be different but he does.

He has bought me hundreds of pounds of vouchers for treatments I don’t want - sort of acupuncture type stuff. I’m less than 3 weeks post c section and also have a toddler to deal with, I have enough on my plate.

It’s a nice thought but I am a bit fed up of feeling semi bullied into going for treatment I don’t want. I’m finding it a bit invasive and demanding. What I don’t know is how to explain this Sad

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/08/2023 17:04

Isn’t there a voucher selling site? You might not get the full face value, @Uptosomething, but you’d get some money you could spend on something you do want/need.

NewName122 · 06/08/2023 17:05

He's autistic not deaf. Just have a chat and explain.

pizzapiazza · 06/08/2023 17:07

NewName122 · 06/08/2023 17:05

He's autistic not deaf. Just have a chat and explain.

😆

CaffeineAndCrochet · 06/08/2023 17:08

Treating him differently because he's autistic is a bit ableist, tbh. Just have a chat or message him and tell him you appreciate the gesture but you won't/can't use the vouchers at the moment.

Prisonbreak · 06/08/2023 17:09

My brother In law is autistic and would often buy us gifts. He was being pleasant but they were useless and waste of his money. We tried all the hints and subtle comments but he didn’t pick up on them. We ended up just straight talking with him as that’s the language he most understands. And it stopped

Original poster
Uptosomething · 06/08/2023 17:10

He isn’t deaf, no, but it doesn’t mean that ‘no, I don’t want them’ or words to that effect will be processed and understood in quite the same way. But I’m not sure the thread is going to be helpful.

OP posts:
NewName122 · 06/08/2023 17:12

Prisonbreak · 06/08/2023 17:09

My brother In law is autistic and would often buy us gifts. He was being pleasant but they were useless and waste of his money. We tried all the hints and subtle comments but he didn’t pick up on them. We ended up just straight talking with him as that’s the language he most understands. And it stopped

Awful idea to hint or use subtle comments with people who have autism 🤣 should have got straight to the point and told him.

NewName122 · 06/08/2023 17:14

Uptosomething · 06/08/2023 17:10

He isn’t deaf, no, but it doesn’t mean that ‘no, I don’t want them’ or words to that effect will be processed and understood in quite the same way. But I’m not sure the thread is going to be helpful.

'I don't want them because......' from what you've said you haven't even tried to speak to the poor man and explain.

NewName122 · 06/08/2023 17:16

Prisonbreak · 06/08/2023 17:09

My brother In law is autistic and would often buy us gifts. He was being pleasant but they were useless and waste of his money. We tried all the hints and subtle comments but he didn’t pick up on them. We ended up just straight talking with him as that’s the language he most understands. And it stopped

Sorry, I read that wrong and didn't pick up on the fact you did in the end.

PerspiringElizabeth · 06/08/2023 17:17

Can’t you just say thank you and then forget about it? Or will he keep asking if you’ve used them. In that case, depending on how he’d receive these, I’d either say ‘i won’t have time before they expire’, or say ‘I went to the appt and it was fine but not my cup of tea’ (to avoid him buying you more for the next occasion!)

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 06/08/2023 17:17

Uptosomething · 06/08/2023 17:10

He isn’t deaf, no, but it doesn’t mean that ‘no, I don’t want them’ or words to that effect will be processed and understood in quite the same way. But I’m not sure the thread is going to be helpful.

You might not feel it's helpful to say so, but the simple truth is that you have to tell him. You can say that you appreciate the thought (and maybe go once as a gesture) but that while you are glad you went once, you don't want to repeat the experience. Or you can just ask him to stop sending the vouchers because you don't have time to use them. Whatever variation you choose, it needs to be clear, because hinting won't help. Stress that you appreciate the gift, but also make it clear that you don't want any more.

imactuallyfine · 06/08/2023 17:18

So why can't you just pretend you used them and say it was great?

DPotter · 06/08/2023 17:18

Uptosomething
I don’t think it’s a boundary issue, it’s an autism issue. But I’m sure you felt good typing that

I maybe speaking out of turn but I think MrsTerryPrachet was talking about your boundaries not those of your relative.

You seem to be taking responsibility for the actions of another person - feeling guilty that they are buying you things you don't want. It is an added complication that they are neurodivergent, however that does not mean you have to accept their gift giving behaviour as it's causing you distress. If you do not feel able to have a conversation with your relative about this for fear of distressing them, then do you have a relative who would be happy to talk to them ? Partner, mother, cousin ?

Their potential distress at your apparent rejection of their gifts, does not trump your distress at receiving gifts you do not want and then feeling bullied into using.

Just because someone is neurodivergent does not mean you have to accept bullying behaviour from them.

Luxell934 · 06/08/2023 17:19

What exactly are the treatments?

Chowtime · 06/08/2023 17:20

Uptosomething · 06/08/2023 17:03

I don’t think it’s a boundary issue, it’s an autism issue. But I’m sure you felt good typing that.

Was this remark aimed at MrsTerryPratchett? If so, you're incredibly rude - I thought she gave excellent advice. See, you can be rude and snarky when you want too - just apply the same principle to your autistic mate (if this is even true).

Neurotic90 · 06/08/2023 17:22

If its acupuncture can you say you can't use it because of blood thinners post c section? That way it's obvious you don't want them without causing any offence.

ChillinwiththeVillains · 06/08/2023 17:22

I think it’s also wanting to be involved and the gift almost “buys” them your attention. When my first was born my mother sent a knitted hat almost every day to me and then wanted a photo of the baby in the knitted hat. I found it really upsetting and didn’t know how to say “I am not coping with a baby, my world has turned upside down and I don’t have time for this. I haven’t eaten or had a shower today and I think I am going crazy”. So instead I would just take a bad photo, she would point out it was bad, but have been rewarded by attention and then post another sodding hat.
that was cathartic, but possibly not very helpful. Wishing you good luck and I hope that you can focus on you and your babies as much as you would wish.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 06/08/2023 17:24

Have you contacted the place the vouchers are for to see if they will refund or swap for something else you would use? If not then try to sell, regift, donate to a raffle.

Then message "I can't use the vouchers you bought me any time soon. I'm so busy with the new baby and toddler. I'll let you know when I do go. Thank you for the kind thought"

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 06/08/2023 17:25

You need to be blunt; you appreciate it but you have no use for them. In future you need to not accept them, just repeat that you’re very grateful but you can’t use them. Say it over text as well as verbally.

yokuscrocus · 06/08/2023 17:27

I don’t want to unnecessarily hurt feelings but I am struggling with near constant messages about the vouchers.

Why don't you just say to him in the time honoured shit sandwich structured way [Compliment/Shit bit/Compliment]

Thank you for the vouchers, I really appreciate the thought and kindness but unfortunately

THEN insert appropriate excuse that would work and is vaguely true like

i am too underpressure with work/family/ a big new work project so I know I won't have the time to use them.

I've just realised that this is for a hot stone massage and I came out in hives the last time I had one.

I didn't want to hurt your feelings but actually this place isn't my cup of tea. I should have said before but I didn't want to upset you.]

THEN say
because I can't use them and I feel so bad, I'd like to return them to you so you can get a refund if that is possible or use them for yourself.

THEN end with the shit sandwich topping of something nice like

you are so thoughtful/ thank you again/ can I buy you a coffee next week/whatever.

MistyMorningMelons · 06/08/2023 17:29

Have you been gifted vouchers multiple times, or is just a one off but pricey gift?

OhComeOnFFS · 06/08/2023 17:31

OP, did this happen a while ago? I remember reading a very similar thread and wondered whether it was an ongoing problem for you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/08/2023 17:33

Uptosomething · 06/08/2023 17:03

I don’t think it’s a boundary issue, it’s an autism issue. But I’m sure you felt good typing that.

I have ADHD and so does DD. My brother has ASD and so does one of my best friends and his DD. We're ND Central here.

I'm sorry you thought I was being mean. I wasn't. One of the great things about people with ASD is that with them you can say what you mean, and mean what you say. Think of it as a teachable moment.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 06/08/2023 17:33

I was going to say exactly the same thing
i thought I was going mad
i swear there was an identical thread to this a while back

Densol57 · 06/08/2023 17:34

Just be as rude to him as you have been to the people helping you on this thread - job done 👍🏼

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