Being besieged with gifts I don’t want

[Uptosomething]

I genuinely am unsure how to approach this because the person it concerns has autism. If he didn’t it would be different but he does.

He has bought me hundreds of pounds of vouchers for treatments I don’t want - sort of acupuncture type stuff. I’m less than 3 weeks post c section and also have a toddler to deal with, I have enough on my plate.

It’s a nice thought but I am a bit fed up of feeling semi bullied into going for treatment I don’t want. I’m finding it a bit invasive and demanding. What I don’t know is how to explain this

Lots of helpful advice on this thread @Uptosomething Don't be angry because you feel unable to apply any of it.

It’s very simple: you need to tell him, clearly and kindly. Or you need to stop making it into a big problem in your own head.

The shit sandwich is one approach but if they are determined to give you a gift you could try the positive, negative, preference approach.

It was really thoughtful of you to buy me a gift but I'm not going to have time to use them, however I would find X really useful at the moment.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4329462-To-not-know-what-to-do-about-this-gift?page=1

you might find some helpful advice here.

It’s not going to be helpful because you are not willing to say anything to him.

The only way your relative will know that you want this to stop is if you tell him. But there are no words you are willing to use because you have already decided he will be hurt or will not understand. I’m not sure what you were expecting from this thread really.

There are potential solutions to your problem but you don’t want to try them, so the problem will continue. That’s obviously unfortunate, but it also means this situation is at least partly of your own making.

I also think you’re perhaps attributing too much of this situation to your relative’s autism rather than his particular personality. A lot of the approaches you’ve dismissed would be perfectly fine for most autistic people, so I think the issue is that your relative is not only autistic, but also just a difficult individual all round in ways unconnected to his autism.

Dear John
Thanks for the vouchers. I’m planning to use them sometime after my recovery time from the c-section.
I really appreciate your kind thought but please don’t buy me any further gifts, it’s difficult to use them when I’m so busy with the children.
Love from Uptoskmething.

Done

I actually think honesty is the best policy. Explain that the last voucher/'treatment' was a lovely thought. You weren't really sure if you'd enjoy but as it was a gift you thought you'd give it a go. You pushed yourself outside of your comfort zone (he'll get that) and gave it a go. It was OK but not as nice as others have said. It took a lot of arranging eg childcare, travel, checking on line etc and really wasn't for you. Ask him if he'd like it (I doubt it) and joke about isn't it funny how some people like xyz and some don't....me I'm happy with a box of chocs or a trip to the cinema...ha ha.
Say youre sorry but you would rather it went to someone who could really enjoy it fully. Do you have a joint relative who has a birthday coming up? Cousin Brenda would live this. Why not pass it on, I shan't tell.

My guess is he's asked someone what do women like and they've said spa treatments(or whatever). Makes a change from Prosecco I guess.

I have a feeling she is already familiar with that thread…

This is you, OP, isn’t it?

How bizarre

Hmmm. If the vouchers can't be refunded, I would just pretend I've gone, saying it isn't for me so he doesn't buy anymore.

Nah that's clearly the OPs twin sister, uptonothing, also receiving health treatment vouchers from their autistic relative.

What is the ideal outcome that you want, OP?

To stop him from buying you vouchers in the future?

To return the vouchers to him?

To get him to stop messaging asking you if you have used them yet?

They've got autism. You are struggling with saying "no". Deal with the second thing first.

Oh - if that is you @Uptosomething on that other thread and the gift is £300 for an alternative health place that is " all acupuncture and so on. Nothing I can see that’s just relaxing and enjoyable." as it says on the other thread.

If I were you, I'd just treat it as a new life experience and pick something you'd never otherwise do and go with a cynical eye.

I once went for a Reiki session because I had a friend who banged on about it so much. I wanted to laugh at all the 'thank you spirits' part of it but actually it was really interesting how you could feel heat from another persons hands not even touching you. I wouldn't go again but it was interesting and it added to my life experience.

Acupuncture on the other hand can be really helpful but kind of depends whether it is western acupuncture or chinese acupuncture which is very different. It can actually relax muscles.

They are bound to have all sorts of different crap that can help with stress and anxiety - I'd just give it a go and chalk it up to life experience. At the very least you can say to this relative 'never again' once you've done it.

I'd also say that some of the more interesting things I've done in my life have been because friends have persuaded me to go to events/gigs/theatre/shows that I'd never have done myself. So just go see even if you don't want to.

Be honest and tell him straight that you won’t use the vouchers.

Something like
"hi Brad while I'm really grateful for the gifts please don't buy any more. I don't have time and I feel guilty you are wasting money. Plus I don't like acupuncture."

I work with someone who is autistic. He doesn't do shades of grey and he just likes people to say it as it it. If you try and flim flam round what you are asking him he just doesn't get it. I reckon he'd say just be straight and to the point.

Actually that’s quite plausible that he might be gifting to multiple relatives! 😄

I’m not sure what you are looking for in terms of advice. It really doesn’t have to be difficult. As someone with a sibling with severe ASD and a DC with ADHD (and probable ASD too) just be straightforward and honest and yes, put boundaries in place. These are essential in any relationship but particularly with someone who is neurodiverse. Thank him for the vouchers but explain that your current state of health/commitments/circumstances mean that you will not be able to use them now or in the near future. If you want to, you could soften this by saying that you plan to use them at some point going forward but you cannot commit to a date at this point in time. You could emphasise how much you appreciate his generosity and kindness but state that if he wants to buy you any future gifts you would prefer a, b or c (whatever appeals to you).

Abd I. Fact my DH who is totally NT is exactly the same. Abd my dad.
I think blokes just prefer the direct approach

He must really want people to try these alternative health treatments 😂😂

Its nothing to do with being autistic... you tell anyone 'thats a crap gift, I dont want it and don't buy me anymore' its offensive (no matter how you word it) there is no magic fix or special words for that.

If you're going to be rude by rejecting a gift then just bite the bullet and be rude. You are going to look ungrateful because you are being ungrateful but more so your trying to make it dramatic too.

Or you know you could just try it. I studied a medical degree so not 'woo' at all but tried acupuncture and it had benefits I can't explain. It hardly takes any time and can be used for a whole host of things... its basically like a spa voucher hardly a dramatically unthoughtful or silly gift that needs 'correcting'.

Am sure I saw a thread exactly like this in the past year or so. Maybe someone can find it and it will have good suggestions. I think one was to check with the seller and see if there was another option.

It's hard, and only you know what might work for you. What type of resolution do you want now? Decide that and take it from there. It might be hard, but it should at least lead to your preferred result.

Make sure you don't receive acupuncture again ?
Make sure you don't receive vouchers again?
Stop the messaging about the current set with minimum fuss?

"I was thinking about the vouchers, and I don't think I would be able to use them now. I don't feel comfortable to try this now/ I have limited alone time and I just have to use it for the actual medical appointments/...
Would you be able to use them yourself?"

Perhaps the OP is from the identical thread two years ago, got given the vouchers and didn't manage to say no, got pregnant and is now presented with another set to the exact same value by the same relative...among other explanations.

Wait

whh don’t you want them? And why can’t you just be straight with him?

did I miss that in the thread?