Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

[OfMyDog]

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

@OfMyDog I had a close friendship - me and male friend (Mike) were colleagues, got on great, and became good friends with our respective other halves. However, the strongest link was between us (me and male friend and wife - Anne) and when I split with exh he was dropped from the relationship and the three of us continued as very close friends - nothing sexual.

Male friend, Mike, and I continued as colleagues, shared a similar sense of humour, had work trips away (all necessary and nothing going on). Anne and I were best friends, babysat each others kids, got to know each other's wider family. We went running together, Mike would look after all the children and cook tea for Anne and I when we returned from our run.

There was absolutely nothing going on between Mike and I, but looking back on it, it was like a 'hareem' relationship where Mike enjoyed his role as the provider and chef and entertainer, and Anne and I were happy recipients of his largesse.

For me, it felt like a really comfortable and happy friendship. With both of them.

Then when I met my (now) dh, things changed. Anne was delighted and excited. Mike didn't really want to know. For a couple of years we met as a foursome and our kids played together but the dynamic was very different and we have now totally drifted apart. Maybe Mike and my new dh just didn't gel in the same way? But in reality, I look back at it and see that Mike loved his role as man/chef/carer/whatever for both Anne and I and he didn't like the involvement of someone else who was my new priority and lover.

It felt to me like there was jealousy, even though Mike and I had never had anything other than a close friendship.

I'm not sure that any of this is of help to you @OfMyDog but I know that Anne was a bit confused about why Mike wasn't as welcoming of my dh and our new relationship, and I could suddenly see that Mike's feeling towards me were a bit complicated.

They moved house to a different area and we now only meet sporadically.

Your posts read as though your dh and your friend are far too friendly. And the problem is that your dh is prioritising her above you. I wonder how he would feel and respond if your friend rekindled her realationship with her husband, or if they separated and she then got together with someone else?

>massive face palm right here< i didnt even need to finish your entire post
I am surprised you have been allowing them so much time together in the first place! I aint letting my man meet up with any woman without me being present! He doesnt have any female friends luckily though.. but yeah.. red flags definitely if they knew each other and going out regularly. You have definitely let this go on for far too long!!!!!!!!

I don't know what you're getting at, midnightrecovery. What's your problem? 🤔

Op are you deep down worried that he's going to turn around and say 'yes we're in love' ? And is that why you don't speak to him about it?

This . It's so sad

Tbf it could be innocent & just massively blurred boundries. But OP looking after kids whilst DH & friend sit on a beach at sunset is the wrong way round for me.

My thoughts exactly.

@Mumsyimmy a lot of parallels with your experience. I’m so sorry it happened when you were recovering and in a bad place.

I’ll admit there is an element of not wanting to face things head on. Like maybe I don’t want to know. Do i deserve better? yes, I know I do. Of course I do. I hate his disrespect and I especially hate his entitlement that it’s fine. Do I want to be one or two wives in my husband’s life? No absolutely not. I’m not fishing for reassurance here, I just need to work through it having read what everyone’s said. I’ve accepted whatever’s going on for a long time now, had her as part of our family life. What started out as fun and convenient that we all got on so well and isn’t it brilliant that we’re all friends has got wildly out of hand because I let it. I was fine with it, I even encouraged it early on. I can’t turn that back, I can only block her out completely and I can’t do that without confronting him - I’ve tried talking, it’s down to nuclear option or nothing pretty much.

At least reading other peoples’ similar situations helps x

I spend time with male colleagues though never visited their homes. We all hate work so we spend lunches together being a soundboard essentially, and sometimes go out after work. We discuss our individual partners and I step back if I feel anything inappropriate is occurring. Eg one of them used to message me at all hours, I just ignored him. Surely you’re just conscious of optics when you’re spending a lot of time with someone who’s in a relationship. No one would think their relationship sounds normal. Frankly if I was watching a romantic sunset with a mate, I’d be a bit bored as that’s something I’d rather experience with a partner I can be romantic with!

As the old saying goes whatever gets you all through. The vast majority of women wouldn't agree with one to one liaisons with their DH unless within a particular situation eg going out for a quick lunch or coffee discussing work. When people are married with children dynamics within old friendships pre marriage change. This is natural. There are people with the mindset 'I knew your DH well before you and we were close friends then & will remain so. In my books this would only be acceptable if I was present during a catch up and the friend made me feel the friendship was equally extended to me. It wouldn't be about trust. It would be about respect. Before I was married I had a male friend who I actually introduced to a work colleague. They are happily married with children. I wouldn't dream of keeping up a similar relationship with her husband I had before they met. When we do meet up, about once a year, its always with our respective partners in marriage.

What started out as fun and convenient that we all got on so well and isn’t it brilliant that we’re all friends has got wildly out of hand because I let it. I was fine with it, I even encouraged it early on.

Don't blame yourself @OfMyDog , you didn't sign up for this or ask for it. They have taken advantage of your good nature.

Coast doesn't always equal 'a beach'

🤨

I think what the vast majority of posters are feeling OP is your inability to accept your 'friend' is as much to blame for this situation as your husband. Everything you mentioned in your introduction has led to this unusual outpouring of the same opinions on how they would feel as well as wishing to support you. It sounds extremely hurtful for you & I honestly hope you can sort it out with them both.

I am now more interested in the "where in Santorini" question than in "what will the OP do". Most urgent of all "will we get an answer by page 40?"

OP dodging that question. She threaten with closing the thread 5 pages ago because she didn't like the tone and "all had been said". I guess not?

This is just awful. They’re clearly having an affair and because they’re being so inappropriate, insensitive and above all blatant they have probably convinced themselves that you know about it but are turning a blind eye. You are married to a gaslighting bastard and she isn’t your friend. This isn’t just a case of blurred boundaries, they are evidently very much together. I feel so sorry for you.

Have I spoken to her about how I feel - yes.

@OfMyDog, could you please elaborate about what you’ve said to her? Did you explicitly tell her that you feel like a third wheel…that their constant togetherness is a problem…that your H treats you with contempt and dismisses you?

Boundaries have been crossed here and I don’t think you’re a mug I think it was done in such a gradual way you feel it’s normal but if it makes you feel this way (regardless of what may or may not have happened) it’s not ok.Sorry this is happening to you,it can’t be nice to feel like a spare part in your own marriage but if he can’t wake up and see that this is inappropriate he does not deserve you and all your kindness also your friend should respect the boundaries of marriage,I have a married male colleague who I get on well with but we never do things alone the two of us as we are both married we spend time together in couples with our kids.I would feel like an awful women to meet up with him without his wife who I respect and also consider a friend xxx

You have a cuckoo in your nest, OP.

@OfMyDog
Just wanted to say you genuinely sound like such a lovely person. You don't deserve to be treated like this. I really hope things get resolved for you xx

This ^^.

Have a dinner with just the 2 couples (i.e. including friend's husband) and see if they all act in the same way.

You are being taken for a fool OP.
Stop being "nice" and stand up for yourself.
Absolutely ridiculous situation which you are allowing because you don't want to upset anyone.

Are you going to stay with him OP, you should take his behaviour as a warning, even if he isn’t messing around with your “friend”, he could do it with someone else , he clearly lacks boundaries and respect