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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

1000 replies

OfMyDog · 06/08/2023 14:10

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

OP posts:
OMG13 · 07/08/2023 21:41

It happened to me. Best friend. Twice. Up to op what she does with it, when she’s ready.

Siouxiesiouxiesioux · 07/08/2023 21:41

SonicStars · 07/08/2023 21:09

I've come pretty late to this. Haven't read all the comments (first few and last page plus all of op's) but am coming from the point of view of someone whose best friend is a man. A man married to a woman whilst I am very happily married to a man.

We have stayed up late in the night on holiday chatting in the living room after our partners have gone to bed. We send each other WhatsApps and don't copy in the others. He is written into our will and I would care for their child in a heartbeat if something awful happened. I would never dream of having an affair with him or he with me. We have comforted each other through bereavement, infertility, shit jobs etc. I have never even considered that our friendship deserves the vitriol thrown at people on this thread. I just don't get this "emotional affair" business. If you don't fancy them and are sharing the same things as you would with a best friend of the same gender then surely you're just friends. If the op was upset about her husband spending too much time with "dave, his best mate from school" I suspect the feedback would be a lot more constructive, understanding and empathetic on both sides.

Real life isn't a bloody rom com.
Not everyone fancies everyone.

Your situation sounds quite different to OPs. Do your friends and family worry about what’s going on? Do the other partners feel ignored and left out?Have they voiced this to you? You didn’t mention watching the sunset with your friend while his wife watched the kids. Probably because it would never happen because you are not unkind. At least you don’t sound unkind. OPs friend does not have OP’s back. It is truly sad.

Maireas · 07/08/2023 21:42

RandomForest · 07/08/2023 21:16

So op your h is self employed, does your friend work ? Do they have oportunity in the day to see one another, also do you work ?

Yes, she said that they both see each other when they wfh.

thegirlwithemousyhair · 07/08/2023 21:44

More to the point your husband doesn't seem to care that his behaviour is upsetting you. He should want to spend most of his time with you, not her. Theyve both crossed a line and dont seem too concerned about its impact on you. That in itself is enough to draw the line.

hippo100285 · 07/08/2023 21:47

Always trust your gut.
That’s not an appropriate friendship and she’s a terrible friend to you so cut her out asap.

ilikeitthatway · 07/08/2023 21:49

OP, I know you are not popping back regularly but I just wanted to describe a situation I was in once and the barefaced lying of the bloke in question.

I am still really ashamed of this but when I had just turned 18 I left an abusive home and moved to another country. One of my housemates was older than me, about 25. He had a girlfriend but she lived in another country.

We developed a close friendship which then turned sexual after a drunken night out. We were really, really close and sleeping together but he had no intention of leaving his girlfriend and seemed to think the fact that he'd been upfront with me about the fact that he wouldn't leave her meant that his behaviour was ok.

Desperate for affection I stupidly fell in love with him. During the period of living and sleeping with me his girlfriend would visit for holidays and he wanted us to be friends (?!) she was (rightly) highly suspicious of me and he would gaslight her that it was all in her head. He would also sleep with women he had met in clubs, he had literally zero respect for any of us.

Anyway, she was a mature student and at the end of one of her uni years he actually moved her into our house for 6 weeks so she became my housemate.

I stopped the relationship with him but he would still constantly try it on, even when she was in the next room. I remember him coming onto me in the lounge when her brother was staying.

My point is, he was absolutely brazen and seemed to have no guilt / shame and would lie barefacedly to him.

Just before I turned 19 I came to my senses and left not only the houseshare but also the country to get away from this toxic fuckup.

I found them on facebook and they are married with two kids now. It's so sad, he's probably been lying her face and gaslighting her for all these years.

Some people are genuinely that brazen.

Silverseas1 · 07/08/2023 21:51

SonicStars · 07/08/2023 21:09

I've come pretty late to this. Haven't read all the comments (first few and last page plus all of op's) but am coming from the point of view of someone whose best friend is a man. A man married to a woman whilst I am very happily married to a man.

We have stayed up late in the night on holiday chatting in the living room after our partners have gone to bed. We send each other WhatsApps and don't copy in the others. He is written into our will and I would care for their child in a heartbeat if something awful happened. I would never dream of having an affair with him or he with me. We have comforted each other through bereavement, infertility, shit jobs etc. I have never even considered that our friendship deserves the vitriol thrown at people on this thread. I just don't get this "emotional affair" business. If you don't fancy them and are sharing the same things as you would with a best friend of the same gender then surely you're just friends. If the op was upset about her husband spending too much time with "dave, his best mate from school" I suspect the feedback would be a lot more constructive, understanding and empathetic on both sides.

Real life isn't a bloody rom com.
Not everyone fancies everyone.

It sounds like there is absolutely nothing wrong with your situation despite the fact the vast majority of women would consider their life partner as their very best friend too. I doubt if you would bypass your 'best friends' wife during a chat, play sport together, meet in each others houses alone when working from home, take regular walks out together including a sunset trip etc etc etc, how can you even begin to compare your situation. I feel the reason there is so many emotional replies to OP is because the very idea of having a close friend on the trail of our DH is completely intolerable.

sunglassesonthetable · 07/08/2023 21:52

@SonicStars

Does your husband feel left out?

Does your husband question his understanding of your relationship ?

Does your husband feel sidelined and insecure?

Does your husband feel like he's 2nd best?

Does your husband feel belittled and ignored?

You are not in the same situation despite having a best friend of the opposite sex.

Maireas · 07/08/2023 21:54

I think if anyone is looking beyond their life partner for a deep emotional bond with another person, "best friend" or whatever, something has gone wrong with the marriage.
Anyway. The OP's husband thinks he has two wives. This one is the nanny and housekeeper.

Sibicatsndogs · 07/08/2023 22:01

I think is very easy to say ditch them all and move on...
First of all are you ok? I think you need to first take care of yourself and your children have some time off and look after yourself without those toxic ppl breathing down your neck.

Then address the elephant in the room. Something is definitely going on and I don't think it's going to be pretty. Make a plan to be able to stand on your own feet and confront them. The truth with come out eventually and you need to make sure you will be ready to support yourself and kids.

Lots of hugs you got this 💋

Tonty · 07/08/2023 22:06

I only voted YABU because how naive can you be? your husband and your 'df' are together whether they acknowledge it or not. Your bestie is completely out of order and is behaving in a way no grown woman should with someone else's husband and your husband is a waste of space. You're trying to be all loyal and liberal & understanding and you've walked yourself out of your own marriage.

'Watching the sunset go down' together my arse!😡

Lovemyones · 07/08/2023 22:15

@OfMyDog feel really sad that you're in this situation, I hope that youre ok?
All I have to say is why can't 3 best friends be able to watch the sunset together? Why wouldn't she come in to your room and chat with both of you?! They are leaving you out and there's a reason why they are. I wonder if her financial situation has more to do with it than you think. You deserve better, really you do. Hope you find it! X

oakleaffy · 07/08/2023 22:16

@OfMyDog My god.
This woman is no friend of yours

A relative is divorcing because of a situation JUST like this
the woman was friends with both
but they were shagging- now divorcing.

I got huge red flags 🚩 reading your opening post.

Herewegoagain2023 · 07/08/2023 22:19

ilikeitthatway · 07/08/2023 21:49

OP, I know you are not popping back regularly but I just wanted to describe a situation I was in once and the barefaced lying of the bloke in question.

I am still really ashamed of this but when I had just turned 18 I left an abusive home and moved to another country. One of my housemates was older than me, about 25. He had a girlfriend but she lived in another country.

We developed a close friendship which then turned sexual after a drunken night out. We were really, really close and sleeping together but he had no intention of leaving his girlfriend and seemed to think the fact that he'd been upfront with me about the fact that he wouldn't leave her meant that his behaviour was ok.

Desperate for affection I stupidly fell in love with him. During the period of living and sleeping with me his girlfriend would visit for holidays and he wanted us to be friends (?!) she was (rightly) highly suspicious of me and he would gaslight her that it was all in her head. He would also sleep with women he had met in clubs, he had literally zero respect for any of us.

Anyway, she was a mature student and at the end of one of her uni years he actually moved her into our house for 6 weeks so she became my housemate.

I stopped the relationship with him but he would still constantly try it on, even when she was in the next room. I remember him coming onto me in the lounge when her brother was staying.

My point is, he was absolutely brazen and seemed to have no guilt / shame and would lie barefacedly to him.

Just before I turned 19 I came to my senses and left not only the houseshare but also the country to get away from this toxic fuckup.

I found them on facebook and they are married with two kids now. It's so sad, he's probably been lying her face and gaslighting her for all these years.

Some people are genuinely that brazen.

Ä° experienced similar when I was around the same age. I wonder if it was the same country. Wasn't a flatmate but close knit community.

ASongOfRiceAndPeas · 07/08/2023 22:26

This is so upsetting to read. If I were in this situation I would be actively trying to catch them out on their wfh days or something because you are being gaslit and your attempts to discuss with both of them have lead to nothing. That is, if you actually want to find out.

Barring that I would start moving in silence to leave the bastard and not mention a thing to the friend either. You don’t deserve this treatment at all and I find it particularly horrifying if I’m honest! Your husband is a cruel man. Apologies if you think I’m being harsh but I just hope you can see just how insane this is.

Ihatemystreet · 07/08/2023 22:29

I have a close friend who is really lovely in every wat; generous, kind ,supportive, great company etc.
Her husband is the male version of me and I we click. I have to be mindful of not overstepping the boundaries. I'm not romantically attracted to him and I doubt he's attracted to me but I know if the shoe was on the other foot I'd be very uncomfortable with the situation. For this reason I never ask him for help with DIY and such as it could be misconstrued. I'm happy to do the catering for them as required as it benefits them both..( I'm single and have a a disability)
Sometimes friendship have a disparity.

Sandra1984 · 07/08/2023 22:35

OfMyDog · 07/08/2023 21:08

Definitely real. No sleepovers in my husband’s bed though.

thanks to the many like @SummerWhisper who see where I’m at. It’s easy to read anything on mumsnet, as I am do myself, and say quit the job, ditch the friend, get the divorce, leave with your kids now etc etc, it’s not that easy is it. It has helped me see things more clearly though and made me think into things more. That’s all I needed.

If there was a function to lock the thread and leave it (without deleting it!) now then I’d do that so that I can come back over the coming days and re-read and soak it in again. The replies keep coming. I’ll probably drop in and reply where people ask questions I can easily respond to (like am I definitely not in love with the other woman myself - no). But otherwise I have taken plenty from the replies and have sufficient x

Your own family is telling you the obvious, then you open a thread on MN and for once in the history of this forum everyone agrees with said obvious (there's already 35 pages and counting), you on the other hand keep defending the so called friend, stating you need to give it a thought and threatening with closing the thread because the overwhelming response is all the same.

Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday
Curtainswithpompoms · 07/08/2023 22:43

I actually do understand how OP can’t face this.

I think sometimes the brain makes a clever calculation and makes you dissociate from the events of your life because it knows that it is not in a safe place to fully open the flood gates and feel the full force of pain of what’s going on.

It knows there isn’t the emotional / financial resources to cope with breaking up a family, moving out, splitting finances and explaining to your child that life as they know it is never going to be the same.
first stage of grief= denial.

I find on here people tend to think it’s as straight forward as just LTB but that’s not really possible for many women for so many reasons.
Best of luck OP.

midnightrecovery · 07/08/2023 22:43

So it comes down to, do you really want a man that prefers to watch the sunset with someone else than you?

midnightrecovery · 07/08/2023 22:45

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SpinningOutWaitinForYa · 07/08/2023 22:46

Id be setting up a hidden camera for sure

Onesipmore · 07/08/2023 22:46

@OfMyDog I just don't understand how your friend can't see the problems this is causing? I don't know what you mean when you say he talks to both of us as wives. Whats the point of having a three way WhatsApp if they message privately. I cant see many benefits for you in this. Would you behave like your friend is with another man. If this is true I really feel for you.

Curtainswithpompoms · 07/08/2023 22:46

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Sandra1984 · 07/08/2023 22:53

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They probably have a couple of interns doing that because some of the threads... 🤔

Fallenangelofthenorth · 07/08/2023 22:55

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