Husband slept through daughters first birthday celebration

[Mimsymumsymoo]

This is a long winded one sorry in advance.
So today we planned a small party for my youngest daughters 1st birthday. We decided to celebrate a few days early as her birthday is midweek and her dad -my husband- works away during the week and was not meant to be home. He came home early hours friday morning and weng to sleep as he works nights. Later that evening he decided out of the blue that he was going out with friends for a few hours as being away in a hotel all week gives him "cabin fever". I was okay with this and encouraged him to have a good night, reminding him not to stay out too late or drink too much as we had plans the following afternoon, he agreed and ensured me hed be home by 2am the latest. 3 am rolls around and he strolls in, but decides he isnt tired enough for bed so he is going to stay up for "a bit". Fine. Whatever. We have plans for 2pm he can still get a decent amount of sleep and attend. He ended up going to bed at 10 am this morning and when i woke him at 1 to say hes got an hour to get ready, he moaned,rolled over and went back to sleep. I tried to wake him several times before saying f this and just taking our children to his parents, along with the cake i made the night previous and gifts for the party. We have loads of fun at the party and return home around 7. I get the girls to bed and start cleaning the house while he lounges on the sofa watching reruns of a show on Netflix. He then says to me "are you going to strop all night?" I say i think im allowed to be annoyed that you missed the first birthday celebrations that were planned specifically so you could attend.all he had to say back to me was "if im not tired i cant make myself go to sleep, its not my fault i slept all day. I feel like ive wasted the day in bed". Which to me sounds like poor me im tired feel bad for me. So my question is AIBU to be seriously annoyed that he missed the celebrations to spend the day in bed?

I wonder how many mums sleep through their DC’s birthday party

Working nights messes your sleep pattern for goodness sake your body is used to being awake. Been there and done it. But to miss the birthday party well effort should have been made

It’s not like the birthday party was in the morning. It was in the afternoon and finished by 7pm. Most shift workers who work all night and finish in the morning can manage that. Especially, when they had already had more than 24 hrs off from their last shift to recalibrate.

Where are you getting ‘abuser’ from, @HedgehogB?

One, maybe(?!) two people have said this - it’s clearly ridiculous and doesn’t need defending?

You seem to think you’re the voice of reason on this thread, but all you’re advocating for is sighing, rolling over and accepting shit behaviour.

And it is shit behaviour. You’d never dream of behaving like this yourself, so why come in to this guy’s defence?

He’s not an abuser, it didn’t occur to me it might be drugs at play, and it’s not LTB territory.

But the OP did ask for opinions. The majority of people are - rightly - saying what he did was shit. Because it was. End of.

As I said way back at the beginning of the thread, I don’t know any men who’d do this. Not one. Because it’s the behaviour of feckless, drop-kicks. Not normal men / fathers / husbands.

He sounds like a selfish twat who puts his own needs above anyone else's. I would be fuming if my partner did this on my child's 1st birthday.

I'd be more annoyed at his attitude than the fact that he slept. He's a night worker and 'switching shifts' to days is hard and takes its toll on the body and mind. I think it's a bit of a leap to think he's on drugs just because he didn't sleep at the 'right time'.
I do however fhink he should have been a bit shame faced or apologised though if you were stomping around the house not saying anything I'd find that antagonistic. I'd find the passive aggression as bad as the sleeping through.
I suspect there is more to this than you're revealing. Maybe he feels like a meal ticket and he has nothing to show for all his hard work. Maybe you feel he's opted out of family life. If he's working away from home and nights too, that's going to have an adverse affect on family life and your relationship. How important is it go you both? Would you be prepared to take a drop in income to have a better work life balance.

Do you not know anyone with atypical sleep patterns? For some people this is perfectly possible.

Having worked many years of nights, if you work nights all week / sleep during the day, it is almost impossible to just switch your internal clock and then sleep the next night.

However he could have figured out a way to get a few hours of sleep and go the party for a few hours. Nights isn't an excuse to miss the party. However it is a good reason to struggle to sleep at night.

What is his usual sleep pattern on his weekends home? I would have planned the party around that - for a time when he is usually awake or near the beginning or end of this sleep time.

It's not a ridiculous assumption. He's worked a full week of nights, got drunk and has managed to stay up til 1030am despite being exhausted. He won't have stayed awake naturally.
For what it's worth, I'm quite familiar with stimulants. I take stimulant medication for ADHD (Lisdexamfetamine), and I'm still awake at 4am. I took them at 10.30 yesterday morning🙃.

He works nights.

This.

And all these women treat them as heroes. Fuck that!

No-one treats a woman as a hero because she goes out to work. No-one treats a woman as a hero when she stays up most of the night with a baby and then all of the next day and most of the following night.

Just don't get why there are so many women fauning over men for doing normal things like going to work or doing childcare or housework.

Given that he was home, I would have asked him to be home before 11:00 pm. Don't you like some help and company for part of the nights he is at home?
He sounds selfish.

For me the one thing overall that would make him an arse here…

Ok he works nights so his body clock will have been all over the place, whatever.

He was up and watching tv when OP got home and had left her all the housework and bedtime to do.

If he felt remotely bad about missing the party or was halfway decent as a dad he would have given the house a quick tidy or said “you’ve had the kids all day, I’ll do bedtime.”

I would've told him to pack his bags while we were gone and not to be home when I got back. That would be the end for me. He's no father.

My mum was a night nurse for years, it still affects her body clock decades later. However, she never missed a single birthday or any significant part of our lives because she prioritised her family. He could have chosen to reduce his sleep the day before so he would be tired earlier and up earlier for daughters birthday. He didn't, but he did make sure he had time for drinks with his mate. Then OP gets home after his rest and he doesn't even help with the housework?
I'd be annoyed with him too.

Also think if a woman was on here saying she missed her child's birthday but accommodated drinks with her mate she'd be absolutely slated, despite the night shift.

If he's bee. Working nights could it just be that hosboxyclpck is out of kilter? He's used to sleeping in the day so he couldn't sleep at night? If he wasn't drunk or raking drugs that's what it sounds like.

I am sorry you tolerate such low standards of behaviour from men. Please raise your expectations and be a better role model for the next generation.

agreed

10am the next morning?

What does this mean? 😂

@Fruitandclottedcream
That sounds like you may be on the wrong dose.
Sleep is very important for mental health.

Jk987
Snapped and farted😅😅😅

So my now ex husband did exactly the same thing to me and his child except it was his first ever Father’s Day. He spent the entire day in bed, throwing up from getting so drunk the night before knowing I had planned a whole day out just for him and all around him. My husband also stayed away in hotels all week for work but only occasionally and that particular week he didn’t so no excuse. But I guess that’s why he’s now my ex husband ☺️.

Working nights does really mess up your body clock. It can’t just be reversed for one night unfortunately, so he’s right, he probably couldn’t force himself to fall asleep. However he should have fought through the tiredness for the party

Selfish fking arshol. Nothing more to say really.