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AIBU?

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Original poster

What makes visitors CFs?

109 replies

RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 05/08/2023 16:51

I’m remembering the thread that ended in tears over a steak dinner. I’m thinking when people aren’t obviously such CFs but have crossed the line.

What is the subtle turning point when family & friends become CFs?

OP posts:
Original poster
RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 05/08/2023 16:55

RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 05/08/2023 16:51

I’m remembering the thread that ended in tears over a steak dinner. I’m thinking when people aren’t obviously such CFs but have crossed the line.

What is the subtle turning point when family & friends become CFs?

Also I mean specifically when visiting you

OP posts:
InWalksBarbarella · 05/08/2023 16:57

I think it’s when they start treating you like staff. So going through lists of what they like/ dislike to eat and expecting you to remember it all, especially if it changes every other month.
Not making the bed look neat when they’re leaving but not offering to strip it either. DH’s friend just leaves the duvet all scrunched up and I think it’s really disrespectful.

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 05/08/2023 16:59

Not bringing anything (e.g. wine, chocolates, flowers)
Complaining about meal times, even though they know when dinner is generally served in our house
Calling everything out as 'posh'. For example 'that's posh mayonnaise' [Hellmans]
Not leaving on the day arranged as they're 'having such a nice time'

WalterWitty · 05/08/2023 17:00

Regularly have people to stay and only one family are CF. 1) not telling us what time to expect them. 2) just expecting all meals catered for them. 3) making plans for their time here, I.e, seeing people but not actually communicating this so we feel like we have to stick around. 4) if their kids are hungry/thirsty they tell them ask me - just get your kid what they want you know where the kitchen is. 5) they’re messy AF.

Yes we have started to be unavailable when they’re planning visits now…

365BeachDays · 05/08/2023 17:01

Asking for a tour of your house. Just no. We're not friends anymore.

MereDintofPandiculation · 05/08/2023 17:06

4) if their kids are hungry/thirsty they tell them ask me - just get your kid what they want you know where the kitchen is I wouldn't presume to help myself or my children from someone else’s kitchen without asking. On the other hand I’d expect to ask on behalf of young DC, I wouldn’t palm them off on my host. But I would tell older DC to ask host before they help themselves, just as I’d ask before helping myself. I can’t give permission to take something from your kitchen.

Virginsexonthebeachplease · 05/08/2023 17:07

Examples I can think of (not major CFery):

DH and I took some family members out to dinner very recently. One of them is fussy about food and made the point more than once about how much she didn't like it and was a little bit rude to the staff. We paid and she didn't say thank you, just said "I would have paid" but in fact made no move to get the bill or pay even when DH clearly went over to pay the bill. When I next saw them they repeated that they didn't like the dinner.

A friend came over to play with her DC so our toddler DCs could play. She was quite prescriptive about when and what her DC would eat for a snack and I obliged but felt like staff having to jump up and prep food when I wouldn't otherwise and made the decision internally not to invite them again for a while.

A friend of mine doesn't come often but goes through phases, so she might not come over for months but then might come over a couple of times in a month. Anyway Inde here she sometimes stays for ages. I make hints such as I'm tired, so you want something else to drink, or even say we have to get up early and she will say "yes I'm going now" but doesn't and this happens several times until she actually leaves.

Sailingthissummer · 05/08/2023 17:10

Cancelling at the last minute for non emergency reasons

Letting host do all of the work

wonderinglywondering · 05/08/2023 17:10

Outstaying their welcome. My Dad comes over and we have had to start telling him we have plans at X time otherwise he stays for hours and hours. Last time he came with my sister and he didn’t get up until 11, and she didn’t get up til gone midday even though we told them we had a table booked for lunch.

calmcoco · 05/08/2023 17:12

I think not appearing in the morning, so you're left unable to go out. Stay over, get up at reasonable o'clock, have a nice breakfast, go home!

Wexone · 05/08/2023 17:19

Turning up empty handed
not offering to help with dishes tidying up etc
not knowing when to go home
taking control of the telly
expected to be waited on hand and foot
turning up earlier than planned time
or the worst friends came to stay where late and then wife proceeded to call her mother and talk on the phone for an hour ( she lives in a different country ) while we sat like fools waiting for her so we could go. didn't have the balls to say anything but they haven't been invited again

Isittimeformynapyet · 05/08/2023 18:42

@Wexone

Yup, people being early.

If, on the off chance, I'm ready to receive half an hour before the given time, I'm sure I would enjoy a little breather, but that's never happened!

Wexone · 05/08/2023 18:46

@Isittimeformynapyet exactly. usually am rushing around trying to ensure house is right etc or even worse not even dressed yet. my mother does it constantly 🙄 now I tell her the wrong time

ichundich · 05/08/2023 18:47

Staying for days and not lifting a finger
Using my house as a hotel
Turning up late by more than 30 minutes without an apology
Requesting a special diet of "no red meat" but wanting to be fed pork
Letting their dog out in my garden and not picking up after it or picking up but leaving the poo bag on the patio
Trashing stuff (mostly kids)
Always turning up empty-handed

SM4713 · 05/08/2023 19:04

We've just finished a 2yr renovation of a derelict property. MIL will call in unannounced, and then brings random people we've never met- that she calls her 'friend'. She then tells us (in front of random person) 'well aren't you going to show them around???'

I assumed she'd stop once we were living inside the house, but NO. We have cameras now, and DH will stop them at the gate!

MIL will always use the loo- even if she'd just come from or was going to a cafe. She never closes the door, never uses toilet paper, never flushes and never washes her hands. She also uses the loo in the centre of the house, instead of the one nearest to where we sit and then proceeds to open doors and looks around!

I also hate those coming for a meal or staying the weekend who bring absolutely nothing (wine/flowers/chocs etc)

When people have no concept that I work full time, from home and can't just drop everything to entertain/chat etc when you come over without asking first

Original poster
RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 08/08/2023 22:21

My most recent guests did most of the above. 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 08/08/2023 22:22

I feel ALL OF YOUR PAIN people.
Having guests that don’t play ball is bloody hard work and think it might be an and to a long friendship. It’s happened too many times

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 22:25

Sailingthissummer · 05/08/2023 17:10

Cancelling at the last minute for non emergency reasons

Letting host do all of the work

This. Or calling half an hour before they’re supposed to arrive to say they’re coming the next day. Arriving completely empty handed.

NeedToChangeName · 08/08/2023 22:25

My pet peeve is visitors who don't strip the beds when they leave

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/08/2023 22:35

I had one stay with me recently. I'd made cheese and ham sandwiches, and when I took the empty plate off her she said next time I would like you to slice the cheese a bit thinner.

QuickDraining · 08/08/2023 22:38

My main gripe used to be my brother, who would basically set up shop, smoke all night and play music 'till dawn. Then promptly demand coffee at about 10am. He's a laugh, but a difficult guest. I've had many other good guests. You generally don't care if there is good meaning. Small offers to help etc. It's a tall order just trying to rub along with each other. And cracks soon appear when that harmony is broken. It's not so much about people being CFs, it's a lot of the time not being able to resonate to their patterns and ways of doing things which is probably another shade of awkward than your own weird and wonderful ways.

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 22:40

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/08/2023 22:35

I had one stay with me recently. I'd made cheese and ham sandwiches, and when I took the empty plate off her she said next time I would like you to slice the cheese a bit thinner.

Wow! What did you say?

PacManMom · 08/08/2023 22:43

We had one last year.

DH asked them to watch the steak they were cooking them as he set the fire alarms off by accident. (It wasn't burnt!)
They kicked off about having to watch the steak for all of a minute when they wanted to sit on their phone.

Another time, it was New Year's Eve. They kicked off on purpose, and left their child with us when we didn't agree to watch them prior. Didn't answer their phone till the next morning!

Huge CF.

Rach247 · 08/08/2023 22:46

I have some staying right now. Turned up empty handed. Have broken one plate and two glasses already. Expecting every single meal provided. Dog weed and pooed in the house overnight and I was first up so had to clean it up. Kids breaking things, being difficult. Didn’t tell me how long they were planning to stay - I assumed a few nights, turns out it’s a full week. I’m really not happy.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 08/08/2023 22:54

Coming back for dinner from the pub next door half an hour later than I said dinner would be ready for. They were only gone a short while anyway, so they'd not had time to get pissed. Also, despite being dp's friends they didn't invite him along, even though they'd only just arrived.

Same people, quietly getting ready to leave whilst I'm getting myself ready for work, then just waiting long enough to say goodbye to dp when he got back from dropping me at the station before leaving themselves. Why not make an appearance ten minutes earlier to say goodbye and thank you to me? (Seeing as how I'd done all the cooking etc.)