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AIBU?

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Original poster

What makes visitors CFs?

109 replies

RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 05/08/2023 16:51

I’m remembering the thread that ended in tears over a steak dinner. I’m thinking when people aren’t obviously such CFs but have crossed the line.

What is the subtle turning point when family & friends become CFs?

OP posts:
MiMouse · 09/08/2023 09:49

I'm a DIL who never brings anything (flowers, chocolates, wine) when we visit my PIL, not even on their birthdays. I think that's my husband's job, since they are his parents. And I know the fact that he never does it somehow makes me look bad, but I refuse to give in to this ridiculous sexism. Although recently I did buy a present for his niece when we were invited to her birthday party. He would have had us turn up empty handed, and I couldn't do that to a six year old.

Anyway, I'm a CF according to lots of people on this thread, but honestly, I think it's just cultural / individual differences. I would hate for my own guests to for example start doing dishes and stripping their beds at my home. I have a system; I don't want anyone messing with that. I don't want them to see the stain on the guest duvet that I haven't been able to wash out.

How about if you'd like some help, you just ask? I would always be happy to help out if someone asked. I'd just never presume to offer.

Yourebeingtooloud · 09/08/2023 09:50

Blossomtoes · 09/08/2023 08:18

Dil is the same, despite us taking nice food, wine, flowers and chocolates to theirs every single time. Actually I lie - she managed a £1 bunch of daffs when she was trying to impress us.

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No see this attitude annoys me - why is it the woman’s job to sort gifts? Presumably she comes with your son (& in the earlier example brother) but you’re not cross with them. Think about why that is.

Blossomtoes · 09/08/2023 09:56

Yourebeingtooloud · 09/08/2023 09:50

No see this attitude annoys me - why is it the woman’s job to sort gifts? Presumably she comes with your son (& in the earlier example brother) but you’re not cross with them. Think about why that is.

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I’ll tell you exactly why it is. It’s because when we go we take gifts for her. She’s a chocoholic and loves flowers. He doesn’t give a stuff about them. It’s called reciprocation.

OhComeOnFFS · 09/08/2023 09:59

But @MiMouse you are guest in their home, which is why you should bring flowers or whatever. Their son is just going home, so he has less need to bring anything like that.

EsmeSusanOgg · 09/08/2023 10:02

Yourebeingtooloud · 09/08/2023 09:50

No see this attitude annoys me - why is it the woman’s job to sort gifts? Presumably she comes with your son (& in the earlier example brother) but you’re not cross with them. Think about why that is.

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Agree. DH is supposed to sort his family. I remind. If he forgets, that is on him.

MiMouse · 09/08/2023 10:10

@OhComeOnFFS That's just not how I see it. DH and I have been living together for over 20 years; parents have long ago left the family home. Besides, I often bring my mum flowers when we go and visit her, especially on special occasions.

passiveaggressivechoppedcarrot · 09/08/2023 10:13

My parents had a BBQ at their house once so I was being the dutiful daughter and offering drinks when people arrived - one guest informed me that he would look in the fridge himself to see what we had. This was the first time he'd ever stepped foot in the house!
Same guy (on the same day) when I was offering top ups of drinks told me to "serve the ladies first" with a dismissive flick of his hand!
He was never invited back!

pacifictime · 09/08/2023 10:18

365BeachDays · 05/08/2023 17:01

Asking for a tour of your house. Just no. We're not friends anymore.

What's wrong with this?!

PTSDBarbiegirl · 09/08/2023 10:21

For me it's the act of turning up annanounced expecting to visit or worse stay. I've gone NC with plenty of people over this, sounds ridiculous but for me unplanned dropping in is totally unwelcome.

BritAirwaysgirl · 09/08/2023 10:21

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/08/2023 22:35

I had one stay with me recently. I'd made cheese and ham sandwiches, and when I took the empty plate off her she said next time I would like you to slice the cheese a bit thinner.

This did make me laugh

phoenixrosehere · 09/08/2023 10:26

pacifictime · 09/08/2023 10:18

What's wrong with this?!

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Why would you ask to tour someone’s home?

Most people will either give you a tour or take you to where in the home they are comfortable with you being. Unless you’re spending the night there, there is little reason to give someone a full house tour.

365BeachDays · 09/08/2023 12:50

@phoenixrosehere exactly. I would never ask for a tour of someone's home! If someone had recently moved in and wanted to show it off, then I guess offering to show people round would be pretty standard, but to go into a new friends house (new friend, not new house) and ask after dinner if they can have a nosey round is plain rude. I can't imagine how anyone would think it wasn't.

memyselfi · 09/08/2023 13:57

365BeachDays · 09/08/2023 12:50

@phoenixrosehere exactly. I would never ask for a tour of someone's home! If someone had recently moved in and wanted to show it off, then I guess offering to show people round would be pretty standard, but to go into a new friends house (new friend, not new house) and ask after dinner if they can have a nosey round is plain rude. I can't imagine how anyone would think it wasn't.

It doesn't go down well in Europe , I think it might be an American custom .
Wasn't there a scene like that in Emily in Paris?
She was invited to lunch and expressed how much she was looking forward to seeing the rest of the house , her hosts were horrified Grin

phoenixrosehere · 09/08/2023 17:42

memyselfi · 09/08/2023 13:57

It doesn't go down well in Europe , I think it might be an American custom .
Wasn't there a scene like that in Emily in Paris?
She was invited to lunch and expressed how much she was looking forward to seeing the rest of the house , her hosts were horrified Grin

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American btw and it’s completely dependant on the host. The host will give a tour if they choose to before sitting down or just take you to wherever they want you to be, pointing out rooms as they go. It would be weird to ask for a tour.

Saying that, it can depend on the region of the States, but ime of visiting people in different parts of the States (haven’t been to the western side though), I’ve never heard anyone ask for a house tour.

GrandHighPoohbah · 09/08/2023 17:58

My BIL and SIL have done this every year for years as we host them every Christmas. DH and I prepare and pay for the entire meal, and when we serve it up on the table they never, ever start dishing it out, as if they're waiting for us to do that as well. Despite having said "please help yourselves" several times, I literally have to hand them a dish of something, look them in the eye and say "do you think you could serve these to everyone?". Drives me insane.

LSSG · 09/08/2023 19:24

Rivermedway · 09/08/2023 07:09

I think the concept of hosting has changed over time.

As the host, I would expect to cook, clear up etc. It’s nice if people offer, but not mandatory. Similarly, I wouldn’t expect them to strip beds. They’re here as my guest.

I agree, I don't want guests to do either. But have learned that at PILs I need to help/offer (despite dh doing neither for many years!).

Original poster
RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 09/08/2023 22:29

@Rivermedway yes you have a point. I have plenty of friends who we mutually host and look after one another without expectation, especially if not over night.

I am left feeling sour when the hosting is never reciprocated by a certain family. They always come to us, always at least two nights.

OP posts:
Actupfishy · 09/08/2023 22:30

I love hosting so much.
bugbears are...
empty handed guests - I always put in a lot of effort and a little appreciation goes a long way.

leaving their shoes on, especially bugs me with one friend that hollers 'shoes off please' as soon she opens her door.

using my stuff without asking - left a house guest getting ready whilst I was at the gym and she said she loved my hair serum - didn't feel comfortable with her rooting around my bedroom.

ohdamnitjanet · 09/08/2023 22:42

A friend I hadn’t seen for ages invited herself round for the evening. Cancelled because she was having a tree felled and had to clear up the wood. Whatever, she cancels a lot and I’ve learned to not waste dosh on snacks and stuff. Rearranged for the next day. Except my DS saw her out and about that night with some scabby date. She was very surprised when I cancelled the next day. Haven’t told her I know yet… so she wasn’t a guest I know, but was meant to be 😆

AffIt · 09/08/2023 22:55

I actually really enjoy hosting, but have a very 'mi casa, su casa' approach.

In my mind, you're a guest for about an hour and then you're expected to muck in / get your own drinks etc, especially if you're staying for a few days. I can't abide people who basically sit on their arses for however long and expect you to act like staff.

Obviously, as a host, I'm not expecting people to, I dunno, unblock the drains or anything, but it rarely hurts to at least offer to help tidy up after dinner / run a cloth round the side of the bath after you've had a shower.

The other thing that I refuse to do is collect people from the airport / train station unless they have travelled a very long distance: you're an adult, get a taxi like normal people.

I have a very old and dear friend of about 25 years standing whom I genuinely love having to stay, but he 'forgets' this rule of mine every time, and seems genuinely confused about why no, I will not be making the 1.5 hour round trip to pick you up when you could just jump in a cab... you've flown from London, not Auckland.

Howmanynamestaken · 09/08/2023 23:07

We have a family member who stays regularly, usually only 1 night.
They live only 20 mins away yet can't give a heads up on time of arrival.
Sits on the hot chair 🙈
Holds the remote and watches what they like.
Leaves things everywhere they go around the house.
Leaves the bed in a ball of wrinkles.
Forgets to go home the next day.
Cracks me up as we never get an invite to her house 🤣🤣

Dreambe · 09/08/2023 23:12

Friend stayed for two weeks with her baby of about 12 months old, brought nothing, contributed nothing - not even a loaf of bread, then later told me our home wasn’t as good as it should be for our income. She’s wealthy so she could have gone to a hotel.

During her stay she left baby vomit on the guest room floor for three days, changed a poo-nappy directly onto the lounge carpet and got poo on it as well as herself and then made no move to clean it up, fed baby in high chair and let him fling food which she also made no effort to clean up, ever, made herself food and just left a trail of mess all over the kitchen. The list goes on and on so she will never be welcome to stay again.

Snugglemonkey · 09/08/2023 23:21

MereDintofPandiculation · 05/08/2023 17:06

4) if their kids are hungry/thirsty they tell them ask me - just get your kid what they want you know where the kitchen is I wouldn't presume to help myself or my children from someone else’s kitchen without asking. On the other hand I’d expect to ask on behalf of young DC, I wouldn’t palm them off on my host. But I would tell older DC to ask host before they help themselves, just as I’d ask before helping myself. I can’t give permission to take something from your kitchen.

Me too.

Snugglemonkey · 09/08/2023 23:28

SM4713 · 05/08/2023 19:04

We've just finished a 2yr renovation of a derelict property. MIL will call in unannounced, and then brings random people we've never met- that she calls her 'friend'. She then tells us (in front of random person) 'well aren't you going to show them around???'

I assumed she'd stop once we were living inside the house, but NO. We have cameras now, and DH will stop them at the gate!

MIL will always use the loo- even if she'd just come from or was going to a cafe. She never closes the door, never uses toilet paper, never flushes and never washes her hands. She also uses the loo in the centre of the house, instead of the one nearest to where we sit and then proceeds to open doors and looks around!

I also hate those coming for a meal or staying the weekend who bring absolutely nothing (wine/flowers/chocs etc)

When people have no concept that I work full time, from home and can't just drop everything to entertain/chat etc when you come over without asking first

I really could not cope with the mil bit. I don't think I could let her in the house.

Snugglemonkey · 09/08/2023 23:30

Yourebeingtooloud · 09/08/2023 09:50

No see this attitude annoys me - why is it the woman’s job to sort gifts? Presumably she comes with your son (& in the earlier example brother) but you’re not cross with them. Think about why that is.

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Indeed. Surely the family member us I charge if there isn't family's gift?