What makes visitors CFs?

[RedLeicesterRedLeicester]

I’m remembering the thread that ended in tears over a steak dinner. I’m thinking when people aren’t obviously such CFs but have crossed the line.

What is the subtle turning point when family & friends become CFs?

@Blossomtoes I tried to tell myself it was a problem with translation as she is from another country. Having said that she's been here for 20 years or so, and her English is very good! I just made a silent vow not to slice any fucking cheese for her ever again!

I live abroad, but pretty close (45 mins) to a good international airport. Really annoys me when certain family members tell us their flight details (usually really late night flights because those are cheapest) and just expect to be picked up from the airport which costs us petrol, tolls, airport parking etc. But if we ever visit them in UK they expect us to make our own way to them regardless of distance, time of day/night etc. Then, naturally on their way back they again expect us to act like a taxi service but if it is us leaving from the UK they never offer to take us to the airport. Actually I lie, one time one family member (who had treated us like a taxi service several times) did drive us to the airport, but then turned round as we were getting our bags out of the boot and said we'll call that £75 shall we?

😡😡

The only ones who really visit are family but it’s a grin and bear situation with DH’s parents where even he has had enough of them by day 3 and is looking forward to them going home (they stay for five days).

FIL has form where he will go to the pub knowing when dinner is and texted how many minutes before and still doesn’t arrive until past the time where most of us are already finished or close to. He leaves the toilet seat up and forgets to flush the toilet during the day and at night doesn’t flush at all. I understand that in their home they don’t flush the toilet at night, but in our home we absolutely do and I do not want to wake up and be hit by the smell of pee when I need to use the bathroom or dodging pee droplets like I do when we stay in their home (learned to always wear flip-flops when I go).

BIL has done dishes but for some reason filled the sink with water, washed them and just left the dirty water in the sink. We not only have a dishwasher, but I have stated to everyone who visits to please leave the dishes next to the sink and we will take care of them because our plumbing is a bit awkward with our water softener installed and this has been explained even though it shouldn’t have to be when all that has to be done is leaving the dishes next to the sink like I have politely said.

I will also add people taking off their shoes when I’ve told them to please leave them on when they’re only staying on the ground floor (have loo there). There is no reason for them to take them off unless they’re actually staying overnight because upstairs is where the bedrooms are and are carpeted. Our oldest is autistic and as much as we try, he drops things (usually food) on the floor constantly when he’s upset due to running off when he hears a noise that upsets him and we can’t guarantee someone won’t step into or on something that may stick onto their feet or socks.

I rarely have visitors that aren't family, and they know how to behave, apart from the one time my sister turned up with her Jack Russell puppy without asking whether that was OK. It proceeded to terrorise our two cats who then escaped onto the windowsill, knocking off and breaking a lamp. She hadn't even thought about it, but has never done it since, so lesson learned!

I had a friend visit for the evening. It was pissing down and he had a long walk home. Kept asking for tea to delay leaving. I ended up letting him stay. He used the last posh hot chocolate sachet I had, and didn't like it so poured it over the dirty dishes in my sink. He made himself a sandwich with stuff from my fridge. I meticulously meal plan, so he fucked up my meals. Stuck several bits of Nicorette gum in random places in my flat.

Any form of tight behaviour. But the absolute worst is a friend who tries to take the wine they've brought home with them if it hasn't been drunk, despite a full meal and ploughing through the wine I've chosen to go with said meal.

I think the concept of hosting has changed over time.

As the host, I would expect to cook, clear up etc. It’s nice if people offer, but not mandatory. Similarly, I wouldn’t expect them to strip beds. They’re here as my guest.

snooping

On Mumsnet-stepping over the threshold.

Family member used to turn up with 3DC every summer, breathe a sigh of relief on arrival as had been looking forward to their annual holiday and do absolutely nothing until departing, date of which never confirmed as they would go by the weather. Their DC were fussy eaters, I was left to cater while they had an afternoon nap, clear up after them etc, then had to provide dinner for adults. This could be for a week or two at a time, we worked full time and had taken annual leave to accommodate. After the 2 week stint, which was only supposed to be a week but I had mentioned we were having a second week off to ourselves as the weather was good they decided without invitation to stay on, leaving us to return to work exhausted. Never see much of family member now the DC have grown.

This.

And tbh I wonder if the same people complaining that the guests didn’t offer to clean up did and then put the dishes back in the wrong place.

That being said, I had one lot of guests who:

took their dog upstairs with them despite the fact I had told them that the dogs were not allowed upstairs.
The woman stayed in bed until 2:30 and at about 1:30 the bloke came down and asked if I could provide them with a cooked meal right now as she would get sick when travelling later if she ate too close to travelling.

She got up, had dinner, and they left almost straight after.

Oh and before they arrived he rang to ask if it would be ok to come a day early as the accommodation they had arranged had fallen through (they were essentially passing through) I said yes, and they didn’t arrive until 10:30 at night because they’d decided to meet up with friends at the last minute (without telling us), and went straight to bed.

Another lot arrived with nothing, and then proceeded to eat us out of house and home. I’m a generous cook, and was more than happy for him to finish the stir-fry which was left in the pan after everyone had eaten, but the next morning I served pastries for breakfast, put them all out on the table while I made coffee and he helped himself to all the ones which were left after dp and his dp had had some meaning there were none left for me. Then my ds came down and asked if he could have a bacon roll and he said “oh yeah that sounds great I’ll have one of those,”.

I’ve since got a new job and converted my spare room into an office. ;)

To be honest I think there has to be a conversation about letting people walk all over you. I would never allow most of these situations to happen in my home.

Reading this thread has made me almost thankful that I have a tiny house (with no spare rooms) in a location that no-one ever really wants to visit!

I find it really stressful to stay at someone’s house as we never did it as kids so I am not really sure of expectations. I get anxious about over staying our welcome. But broadly, would never turn up empty handed, keep in touch re plans, thank them for hosting, tidy up after ourselves, never stay more than 2 nights, often 1.

Would never have thought to strip the beds though. I’d have thought that a bit weird if someone did that at ours.

Other than in my parents’ house, which I think is different, I would never stay with anyone longer than three nights, even family.

I never want guests to strip the bed, much prefer to leave it and wash the sheets at a time my choosing.

Not liking the sleeping arrangements. Expecting the house to be quiet whilst they lie in until mid-day. Questioning how much wine has been consumed whilst they were out.... This is a member of DH's family. He is 40 and single.

Rach ... I never stay with anyone apart from family or one very close friend, we have known each other since primary school.

Just as there are CF guests.... some people are not very good hosts. .. the awkwardness of knowing when to get up ... I stayed with a family once and they just didn't get up .. in the end I got up, went for a long walk and to a coffee shop, DH got up and did some DIY (quietly) that they had asked him to do ... they finally surfaced around midday!

DH recently stayed with a friend, the friend said he always had a takeaway on a Saturday night, my DH offered to pay and sort it, friend said no bother, he'd do it ... the meal was just a packet of chips! In the morning the friend didn't get up .. DH needed to leave (friend knew this) but needed a key to get out of the door, spent an hour looking for it! Never again!

My SIL in the 20 years of being with DH has always turned up empty handed…. even on Christmas Day! It’s turned into a joke between DH & I now 🤣
I presume she just thinks it’s because she’s family.

Dil is the same, despite us taking nice food, wine, flowers and chocolates to theirs every single time. Actually I lie - she managed a £1 bunch of daffs when she was trying to impress us.

The only thing I've ever minded is when friends of dh brought their dog for the weekend, without any prior warning. We had an 8 month old baby who had just settled into a routine and finally slept from 7 pm until 5.30 am. The dog barked all night, both nights and it took a month to reestablish ds' routine. You should always check with hosts if it's okay to bring your dog.

But why allow the dog to stay? I would have said no, especially after the first night of barking.

A terribly bully who made my husband’s childhood a nightmare visited from abroad (sort of obliged to put him up after a death in the family). Used our house a base, but in the few days he was with us he ruined the shower curtain by dying his hair. Wandered around half naked. Deliberately left sharp knives in reach of the children, wouldn’t come to the dining table for at least 15 minutes after being told the meal was served. Screwed up a pile of his clothes that l had just laundered and ironed for him (in front of me). And many, more weird behaviours. The last straw was when we took him to a restaurant and he tried to bully our child into giving him their dessert as he thought it looked better than the one he’d ordered for himself. He was so used to dominating my husband that he obviously thought he could do the same to our five year old. He was asked to leave (he had other people to stay with), but a couple of weeks later we received a hand written letter from him outlining everything he felt was wrong with us. Amongst other things, he was shocked at how fat and lazy I was, the house was filthy, what dangerous drivers we were, and how, if he was resident in the UK, he would have gone to court to get custody of our children. It was such a bizarre diatribe that we were able to laugh about it. Needless to say, we have had absolutely no contact since.

Taking obscenely long showers (20/30 mins plus) in the main family bathroom - also note, we are on a water meter.

Staying in bed until nearly midday, when everyone else has been up since 8/9am.

Arriving late in the evening and expecting to be picked up from the train station rather than getting a taxi - especially when staying with family who have young children.

Expecting everything to be catered for you and cleaned up after you.

We have a dog, we love dogs, but people trying to bring their dogs with them without checking first really annoys me..especially as some dogs are better trained/ less hassle than others. If I allow X's well behaved dashund to stay it does not mean I will allow your reactive, dog aggressive bully to stay.

All of the above, but dumping 2 spoiled brats on me to ‘have a long lie’ as they were going back to work next day - right back at you , mate - was the nail in the coffin for me.
Never again.