What makes visitors CFs?

[RedLeicesterRedLeicester]

I’m remembering the thread that ended in tears over a steak dinner. I’m thinking when people aren’t obviously such CFs but have crossed the line.

What is the subtle turning point when family & friends become CFs?

I’m American.
A friend and her husband built a new 3800 square foot home and had it decorated by an “it” decorator.
She insisted on giving us the grand tour, which was very nice - except that her house looked everything like the decorator and nothing like them.
I don’t think it’s regional - I think it’s people with “new money,” and that happens all over the States.

Most of you need assertiveness training. If someone behaves badly in my house I tell them to stop. If they plan on overstaying their welcome I tell them to leave.

Goodness, I'm so glad I've nowhere to be invited to and no one to invite. Im reading this thread and worrying about all the times I've visited it hosted and will have got it wrong. I'm autistic and wasn't aware of some of these rules. If I was invited round for coffee I wouldn't have taken biscuits or cakes for example. I'd worry the host would think I'm rude and doubting their ability to provide them with the coffee. I'd be offended if someone brought cage or biscuits to my house if I'd invited.m them. I bake a lot but even if not I'd provide a selection of biscuits or cake. I'm also vegetarian so I'd worry they'd bring something I can't eat and that would be awkward. It's just easier not to socialise!
I've never stripped a bed. If I found a guest had stripped the bed I'd be worried about what they were trying to hide on the bedding.
I stayed at a boyfriend's dad and step-mum's once and was told to help myself in regards to the bathroom. I was 16 So I used some Avon hair conditioner or shampoo or similar. My boyfriend went nuts and said I shouldn't have done that even if they'd said I could. I was totally baffled. He refused to tell them I was vegetarian and told me I had to eat the meat they served me. His sister in law was allergic to beef but ate it there even though it made her vomit. People are crazy and he was a controlling piece of shit I now realise.

My fall back dinner for guests is a home cooked roast. As we moved away from ''home'' several years ago, visits from long term friends are infrequent but important as long as I know they are coming.

Anyhow one couple have always enjoyed my roasts as it wasn't something cooked in their home. Days prior to the visit I received a message to say ''they'' no longer ate meat. Ok I thought, I will do a BBQ salmon, rice, salad etc.

As one partner approached the house, that person said ... I've been really looking forward to one of your roasts since I knew we were coming. I looked to the message sender slightly confused and said but I was told you no longer eat meat... there was lots of stammering etc from the message sender and that person replied oh I thought you would still cook it but I would be happy with roast vegetables...

I was made/felt terrible. The visit wasn't the same and several times the obivous meat eater kept saying how the roast meal was sorely missed despite the BBq salmon etc cooked nicely.

My sister in-law is very noisy so I'd never have her to stay. I've caught her thumbing through our desk diary before and in our ensuite opening the drawers and showing her husband my huge amount of beauty products and commenting on them.
The thought of the poking around she'd do if she stayed over is too much for me!

Me too.

Sadly I thought of another example. .. my initial basic dinner repertoire used to revolve around meat and 3 vege, stir fries, bog standard curries with the left over roasts,spag bol and a love of chinese food. We also BBQ'd.

A friend of DH's dislikes my cooking because it's just like his mum used to make although I don't boil the shite out of meat or vege! If I do a corned piece it will be served with mash, steamed vege and white/cheese sauce depending on vege. He doesn't like it, the DH loves it!

So DH and I have been together for nearly 29 years and I still prepare new recipes for us to cook and try. I still feel inspired but when this guy turns up, any inspiration is long gone.

The last time this fellow stayed, we sat 16 people down for a last minute get together which involved soup, breads, cheeses and charcuterie pieces for folk to help themselves. Being too far from the nearest takeaway, the bottom lip was noticably dropped and very little was eaten. He told his wife he just wanted to leave...

Three of them turning up instead of the one that was invited.

Without so much as a bottle of wine between them.

Then they wonder why you want to go low contact.

I think the most CF thing you can do is stay for an undefined length of time, or really any length of time over about 3 days. The only overnight visitors we got really were DH's parents, and it's the 3 day rule they fell foul of - they emigrated, and when they come back they always want to spend a long while here so it's 10 days with us, 10 days with DH's brother, then a few days at various relatives... I would find it super stressful but appreciate that they don't necessarily have the money for hotels for a month. The last time they came was 2y ago nearly, and my FIL is now 82, I don't know if he is still up for the 2 days drive, so I think the next time it will be us visiting them, so we can just rent a flat and the kids can go to bed shockingly late and get up shockingly late and not have a proper breakfast and all that stuff in peace, and my inlaws can have their breakfast of weirdly overripe fruit, with coffee cups that have saucers and an extra plate that is for nothing else but sitting under the bowl, with paper napkins that you're not actually supposed to use because they get put out again for the next meal...

My sister invited herself to mine for …. Five months!!

We have people turning up unannounced, or phoning to say they’re at the gates. In laws let themselves in and appear at back windows, peering in and trying doors. We’ve found in laws in our pool, with guests we didn’t know, when returning from honeymoon. They’ve brought people we don’t know to put home and given them guided tours. I’ve woken up at the crack of dawn when my husband was away to find my FIL in my house, poking around and coming upstairs.

I’ve had guests think that because we are financially in good shape, they can help themselves to wine from the cellar, make demands about food and drink while here, ask to stay in our house for free as a holiday (repeatedly, the same people), expect to use our holiday cottages for free (leaving them wrecked, no thank you gift)…

It is endless.

When people have no concept that I work full time, from home and can't just drop everything to entertain/chat etc when you come over without asking first When you drop in without asking it's on the understanding that you may not even get as far as the door being opened. It shouldn't be people coming round and asking you to drop everything.

Im reading this thread and worrying about all the times I've visited it hosted and will have got it wrong. Don't worry too much - if you read carefully, you can see what is one person's politeness is another person's height of CF-ness.

If I was invited round for coffee I wouldn't have taken biscuits or cakes for example. I'd worry the host would think I'm rude and doubting their ability to provide them with the coffee. I think the bringing something kicks in with a meal, and probably with dinner rather than lunch.

I'd be offended if someone brought cage or biscuits to my house if I'd invited.m them. Rather proving my first point!

It's just easier not to socialise! Don't do that! Just accept you'll take longer than most people to learn the rules. Real friends will judge the whole you, not the bit of you that made a minor transgression.

A friend of DH's dislikes my cooking If he were a polite guest, you wouldn't even know that!

with paper napkins that you're not actually supposed to use because they get put out again for the next meal...That's revolting! The reason napkin rings are considered non-U is that it implies that the napkins are going to be used again.

My pet hate is when they stand there chatting to me while I'm trying to cook. Annoying rather than CF, and it often evolves out of their having offered to help - I always politely decline as I need to be left alone to cook or else I can't concentrate - but then they just stand around talking and getting in the way even though I 'encourage' them to take a seat and relax after their journey etc. Drives me nuts.

Speaking as a chronic insomniac, though, I always appreciate some give and take on this as I usually sleep badly at other people's houses and feel abysmal if I have to get up too early. What would you consider to be 'reasonable o' clock'?

Ugh, and I just thought of another pet hate - turning up early. I'd actually rather they arrived late than early.

OK thread is finished, we have a winner 😁

In my mums culture it doesn't seem to count as hosting unless the host is incredibly put out. Take for example our family of four going to stay abroad with a relative and their son who lived in a studio flat. I must have only been 8 at the time but it was bloody awful, 4 of us in relatives double bed, them in the kids single and kid on the floor. Having to climb over people to get to the loo in the night, everyone being woken up by the first person to wake up plus having to go to sleep while adults were still up and chatting. Even when visiting me as a grown up she would insist on sleeping on the sofa instead of the spare room, so the living room was out of action from early evening, now I don't have a spare room and its suddenly a problem and my house is too small!

I didn't read the thread about the steak dinner but the op reminded me of this. Not visitors exactly but my nephew moved his boyfriend into my sister's house for a few months (2 years) while they saved for a house. They didn't contribute to bills or even food, she cooked for them every night. (More fool her). Anyway they were going to visit boyfriend's parents for the weekend (to mooch off them for a change), bil was doing the weekly shop and decided to treat himself and my sister to some nice steaks as it would be just the two of them, when nephew and boyfriend arrived at shop to say trip was cancelled oh steak how lovely and added some to the trolley for themselves, then waited while bil paid. They are both well paid professionals and total CFs.

I have a new baby, so bear that in mind:
CF brought no drinks to my BBQ and then proceeded to drink me out of house and home. I’ve never seen someone drink so much. She sat on her arse and I waited on her every need!

She left her glasses behind - I paid the postage to send them back to her house, and she made no offer of paying me back! She’s not invited round again.

Reading all these has brought back memories from over 10 years ago when I met a guy online. We got on ok but didn't meet often as there was quite a gap mileage wise between us.

Anyway, I moved to a really old, quirky house and when he came to visit there for the first time, he brought his 18yr old daughter with us. She proceeded to wonder around criticising everything and taking photos of everywhere, including my bedroom. I did insist on her deleting them, so she continued to strop and sulk for the rest of the afternoon.

The second time he visited there he brought a female friend (without asking me. What a bloody nightmare she was. All the food I put out for us she piled up on her plate, then took out her teeth and dumped them on a small table before stuffing her mouth with more food than I thought possible. She also lived in a high rise flat and it seemed she had always wanted to live in an old pile like mine. For that, she would randomly drop into the conversation - aimed at me - 'Bitch, I hate you, you bitch', then she'd smile and say, just joking! HaHaHa! All because I lived in the house of her dreams!

After about 2 hours of this I took her stillPiledHighPlateOfFood from her fetched their coats from the hall, and told her to ' just leave now, and no, I'm not joking. HaHaHa!!'

I've never seen either of them since, thank fully!

100% agree with this! We have friends who behave like this and get invited a lot, another friend who is lovely whilst here but does not take the hint to leave! Last time he came he arrived Sat daytime and stayed over (fine) then hung around til 7pm on Sunday night even though it was totally obvious after Sunday lunch we had stuff to do. Funnily enough he doesn't get invited nearly so much!

My sister In law at the weekend

She walked around the first morning in her pants and a t shirt

She told me I should have had my kids when I was younger as I look so tired

She told me my toddler eats too much ( she has a super love for fruit)

After we stuffed our faces all of my family one night she told me I need to hit the gym first thing Monday

She has made me so angry I'm still utterly fuming
She also told a family member someone saw him in a pic and said he was fat
She is no oil painting

No more guests

No more fcking guests ever again

Lunch at mine yea
No one staying over I have had it

Ughhh I had two weeks of this

Except it was the man who peed all over the bathroom floor
Bathroom mat was binned could not save it

Two fcking weeks

I'm still not over it

For me, it would be

Not bringing anything, even if its a token if they are coming for a meal. I always offer to bring a pudding.
Not getting off their arse to help with plates, glasses, offering to wash up.
Not picking up social cues that its getting late - this is more of an annoyance than a CF thing though.

I remember one terrible Christmas with all of StepDF family round and they all sat on their arse, hogging the TV watching the NEWS, not one offer of a helping hand. Expected food and drink brought to them at regular intervals. They then made critical comments about the food. Poor DM was in tears in the kitchen.

I have been served some truly appalling dinners but I wouldnt dream of saying anything other than positive!