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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Office downstairs making me really uncomfortable

180 replies

Officeprobs · 04/08/2023 17:28

I moved into a new office two months ago. There are only three offices in the building and one company has two rooms downstairs whilst I have the office upstairs, and then there is a small office a corridor down from me. It’s within my budget compared to anything else I have seen and just really lovely. However, I introduced myself to the downstairs office just to say hi and to ask them for the toilet codes. The guy seemed nice. But there is another man who refuses to acknowledge any of me or the women who work in my office.

On Monday, I was waiting to be picked up outside with two of my colleagues. We weren’t talking loudly and were just standing. As the man approached one colleague said hello, he swerved her ignoring her, and went inside.

Today again I was outside about to leave standing on the corner outside of the building, he swang round the corner and nearly hit me, and as approaching didn’t slow until the last minute when I quickly stood out of the way.

I didn’t know what to do so just said ‘that was close’, he looked straight at me, and walked past.

I’m trying to keep myself to myself but it’s only a small building so it’s impossible not to see him at least once a day - ie: when leaving at the end of the day or nipping out to grab lunch.

They've just left as I stay until six, and I heard him locking the entrance despite knowing I am still here (luckily I have my own set of keys).

It’s just feeling very hostile and I don’t know what to do or what he’s thinking of us. We are quiet and respectful, polite and we do not bother them. I ensure we continue this way because I love the office!

Any advice?

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 05/08/2023 10:05

I agree. Sounds as if he is being deliberately unpleasant and intimidating. The aggressive driving is particularly bad and crosses a line— you had to jump out of his way. Using that as an example, can you and your colleagues arrange to meet whoever is in charge downstairs and explain that women are rightly cautious about hostile behaviour from men?

Good luck, OP. You have the right to basic courtesy and safety, even from misogynists.

HarrietJet · 05/08/2023 10:10

The aggressive driving is particularly bad and crosses a line— you had to jump out of his way.
It would be helpful if op was to expand on this a little.

I'm unable to visualise how op could be standing outside her office and be almost mown down by a car that hadn't actually mounted the footpath, nor how she had to "jump out of his way" if she wasn't actually standing in the middle of the road.

Ofcourseshecan · 05/08/2023 10:58

Ofcourseshecan · 05/08/2023 10:05

I agree. Sounds as if he is being deliberately unpleasant and intimidating. The aggressive driving is particularly bad and crosses a line— you had to jump out of his way. Using that as an example, can you and your colleagues arrange to meet whoever is in charge downstairs and explain that women are rightly cautious about hostile behaviour from men?

Good luck, OP. You have the right to basic courtesy and safety, even from misogynists.

This was meant to quote @FarEast. Everyone is entitled to basic courtesy and non-threatening behaviour.

Willmafrockfit · 05/08/2023 11:01

people are strange
we relocated in covid and the people were very unfriendly
just leave them be.

FuppingEll · 05/08/2023 11:07

Hannahsbananas · 05/08/2023 09:31

It’s baffling, isn’t it? He has no more relationship to op than someone who happens to catch the same bus every morning,

Show quote history

Exactly. There is a woman that lives on the same small estate as me, I used to say hi when I first moved in, she never said it back so now if I see her we both just don't say anything. She doesn't want to be friendly, fine, it's no skin off my nose. I don't think she has some evil masterplan or is plotting against me like some people here would think.

And if this guy had been driving where he shouldn't have been the OP would have said, if she had to 'move out of the way' she was clearly standing around in his way. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Maybe next time she will move out of the way instead of standing around staring at oncoming cars.

Willmafrockfit · 05/08/2023 11:26

Ofcourseshecan · 05/08/2023 10:58

This was meant to quote @FarEast. Everyone is entitled to basic courtesy and non-threatening behaviour.

Show quote history

yes, i agree,
he was being intimidating with his driving which must be uncomfortable for you op

KimberleyClark · 05/08/2023 11:30

AliceOlive · 04/08/2023 17:41

Is her perhaps from a religion or culture where men don’t mix with women outside of their families?

I was wondering this.

Meowandthen · 05/08/2023 19:55

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/08/2023 21:50

Can I ask (in the non snarkiest way) what does this guy, who the OP shares a building with, owe her?

He’s literally some random guy that works in proximity to the OP. Not a coworker, not an aquaintance, not anyone to the OP. How are you coming up with creepy, misogynistic, weird, rude, arrogant, threatening, and all the other things he’s been called in this thread? He’s literally never said a word to her and appears to be actively avoiding her.

Why must he be friendly or kind to the OP?

Expecting civility is normal. That’s all that is required if you see someone regularly, not deliberate rudeness.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/08/2023 21:22

Meowandthen · 05/08/2023 19:55

Expecting civility is normal. That’s all that is required if you see someone regularly, not deliberate rudeness.

Show quote history

Required? I mean sure it makes life a little nicer, but who is it required by? Do you make eye contact, say hello, make small talk with everyone you come into contact with?

I mean how many threads on here do we read about people who hang out at the school gates and don’t talk to or make eye contact with the other people there. Should we hurl abuse at them or about them? Or do we usually agree to just let them do their own thing and get on with it?

This is essentially the same thing. It’s a person who is in the same proximity as the OP during the week. Not a coworker not anyone she has reason to interact with.

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/08/2023 21:51

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/08/2023 17:50

Just want to add that I’m also surprised at so many posters diminishing a woman noting the hostile behaviour of a man.

He is making many many non-verbal statements to you with his behaviour and it would make most women tense and on edge; you shouldn’t have to have that at your workplace.

I agree with this. I'm absolutely amazed at the responses. He sounds incredibly hostile and intimidating. I think you have to bring this up with your boss. Is there any CCTV in the car park?

Treesinmygarden · 06/08/2023 00:38

Caramilk · 04/08/2023 19:17

The responses you are getting mirror what I'm having at work. It's obvious when someone is ignoring you for the sake of ignoring you. I've got that at work, and we're a small team and meant to work with everyone closely. Someone who I'm meant to work fairly closely with, will come in and say "hello" to the other three people in the office by name. Even if I say "hello" she doesn't respond. If there's someone she wants to impress she'll say a single "hello" and look directly at the others. An there's an odd one or two that she really wants to impress and then she'll go all sugary sweet on me.
She's similar with a few others, over gooey on those she wants to impress and neutral for most.
She's also doing various things to make my job harder, or little annoying things (think along the lines of pins on my chair, messages for me disappearing, things I've done being damaged...) and undermining me whenever she can get away with it.
If I ask (general ask not specifically her) for something to be done/not to be done then she will suddenly start doing the opposite having never done it before.
It's obvious but the reaction you're getting here is exactly what I get when I have raised it.
"I'm sure it isn't deliberate" "she just didn't see you" "it must have been an accident" "she wouldn't do that on purpose" "maybe she's having a bad day" "I expect she thought she was being helpful" "she's just doing it for the good of everyone..."
In which case she's been having "accidents" "not seeing me" "having a bad day" etc for two years.

Well it may seem small. It may seem like I'm paranoid and over analysing everything but I've just sat in a car park wondering whether I could get up enough speed to kill myself if I crashed the car into the trees on the far side. Reason why I'm hone is I concluded I couldn't and injuring myself would be worse as I'd have to deal with it afterwards.
It's death by 1000 cuts.

Hunny you are being bullied... do you have HR?

Treesinmygarden · 06/08/2023 00:43

HarrietJet · 04/08/2023 19:44

How did this guy try to run op over? If she had to "move out of the way", she was clearly standing somewhere she shouldn't have been.
Unless he actually mounted the footpath in his attempt to mow her down?

Not necessarily! In the incident I recounted, I was crossing the entrance to the building when the lunatic came at me. It's a 20mph zone. Under normal circumstances I would have had plenty of time to cross, but the crazy cow accelerated when she saw me!!

sunglassesonthetable · 06/08/2023 08:32

Sorry about the testing replies OP.

It's the first few answers thing, with posters setting the tone early on.

You're allowed to feel creeped out by someone. And some people do act strangely.

I'm picturing the driving incident in a car parking area outside OP's building.
Not actually her standing in the middle of the road as some numskull posters have suggested.

Very off to lock you into the building. Did he know you had a key ? I think you need to find out what the overall building policy is on that one.

I think the issue is does he act like that to everyone or not?

CherryMaDeara · 06/08/2023 08:36

AliceOlive · 04/08/2023 17:41

Is her perhaps from a religion or culture where men don’t mix with women outside of their families?

No religion or culture advocates trying to run a woman over FFS.

Not every asshole is a foreigner 🙄

Heronwatcher · 06/08/2023 08:37

Don’t ignore your gut. Make sure you’re safe. This includes him locking you in, surely that’s a fire risk? What if you couldn’t find your own key?

I’d speak to his Co-workers and see if he does have a disability/ neuro condition. I’d also speak to your manager about the locking in thing.

Heronwatcher · 06/08/2023 08:38

In my workplace we’d call these micro-aggressions (at the very least) and yes they would count as bullying, unless there’s a good explanation.

Meowandthen · 06/08/2023 09:13

saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/08/2023 21:22

Required? I mean sure it makes life a little nicer, but who is it required by? Do you make eye contact, say hello, make small talk with everyone you come into contact with?

I mean how many threads on here do we read about people who hang out at the school gates and don’t talk to or make eye contact with the other people there. Should we hurl abuse at them or about them? Or do we usually agree to just let them do their own thing and get on with it?

This is essentially the same thing. It’s a person who is in the same proximity as the OP during the week. Not a coworker not anyone she has reason to interact with.

Show quote history

Civility is not simply not being rude. Who mentioned having to make small talk? I don’t make a point of being aggressively dismissive of people.

Some people here have weird ideas about civility and societal norms.

Meowandthen · 06/08/2023 09:14

I think some needs to read the initial post again. The OP seems to have her own business and work alone. Not everyone is an employee with a HR department.

HarrietJet · 06/08/2023 09:54

Heronwatcher · 06/08/2023 08:38

In my workplace we’d call these micro-aggressions (at the very least) and yes they would count as bullying, unless there’s a good explanation.

They're not in the same workplace.

zingally · 06/08/2023 10:00

Officeprobs · 04/08/2023 17:37

@Giveover80 i never said he was walking - I said he swang round which I thought made it obvious it was a car?

Swang isn't really a word.

I also didn't realise it was a car. I just thought he went round you on the path.

All that being said, he's either taken a dislike to your face for some incomprehensible reason, or is just an antisocial weirdo. Either way, shrug it off.

Willmafrockfit · 06/08/2023 10:12

keep a note of his behaviour and see if you can raise it,
move to a different building if necessary

HarrietJet · 06/08/2023 10:17

He swang towards you in his car, even though you were standing on the footpath outside the building... We need a diagram. Taken at face value, this isn't actually possible.

Willmafrockfit · 06/08/2023 10:21

not relevant @HarrietJet you are just being unnecessarily pedantic.

he nearly ran her over

HarrietJet · 06/08/2023 10:23

Willmafrockfit · 06/08/2023 10:21

not relevant @HarrietJet you are just being unnecessarily pedantic.

he nearly ran her over

It's entirely relevant when you talk about "raising it". With who? Who do you suggest is going to deal with this situation for op?

Willmafrockfit · 06/08/2023 10:25

who do you suggest @HarrietJet ?
the police may be?