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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandchildren's eating habits AIBU?

601 replies

Sausagenbacon · 04/08/2023 12:25

I love my grandson, but feel irritated about his eating habits. I'm posting here to see if this behaviour is the new normal and I'm being picky.
He's 6. I cooked a meal for them yesterday - a bit of salad and some tortellini, with sauce to add if they wanted to i.e. deliberately bland (but this applies to all meals we have with them).
So, firstly, he doesn't sit down at the table, but kneels or leans. Then he takes a mouth or two, and then wanders off. Then, a few minutes later, he reappears and might take a bit more, or, if what he wants is gone, gets given something else, like toast.
and then, about 30 minutes later, he'll want some of the pudding. And get given it.
I always used to say (when I had children) that you didn't get pudding if you hadn't eaten at least some of the main course and, once you'd got down from the table, that was it and you had to wait until the next meal.
Parenting is hard enough, without making it harder than needs be.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Reugny · 04/08/2023 14:36

Cognitivedisonance · 04/08/2023 14:33

My son is six. He’ll eat anything unless it’s super spicy. He is allowed to eat wherever he wishes, the sitting room, the garden, his bedroom etc so long as the bowl comes back to the kitchen when he’s finished. It might take him an hour picking at it but he generally eats the main dish and then serves himself fruit or something from the baked tin. He also gets to choose what he has most evenings , if I fancied curry and someone shoved a piece of salmon under my nose I’d be disappointed! so to avoid waste and wingeing we are al a carte in this house. Some dishes he prepares by himself too, picking fruit and veg, peeling, chopping etc and I think it creates a healthy attitude to food.

Does your son sit at a table if he goes to a friends or relations house and everyone else is sitting at the table?

If he does keep going. If he doesn't then you need to teach him to.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 04/08/2023 14:37

5128gap · 04/08/2023 14:26

As a reaction to extremely authoriative dietery rules from my own 'clear your plate' 70s childhood, I took this approach with my DD, now 32. Unfortunately I ended up with a child who gradually moved from a broad diet to refusing everything but strawberries, oranges, toast, chicken nuggets, crisps and chocolate. It caused great anxiety as her range became smaller and smaller, until at times it was feed her something unbalanced or she wouldn't eat at all. Even now she's a very selective eater. She is determined to follow a different path with her own DC.
I think its fine if you have a child with a naturally adventurous palate and a love of food of all types. If you haven't, once you've started with the free choice, you can't get that genie back in the bottle.

Show quote history

I hear you - I had exactly the same upbringing and it has caused massive difficulties for me in terms of portion sizes, weight management, eating past satiety. But it's always going to depend on the child of course and I fully accept that this might backfire.

NoTouch · 04/08/2023 14:40

calmcoco · 04/08/2023 13:39

I wouldn't accept any child getting up and wandering around during a meal at my house But what would not accepting it actually look like in practice - would you banish them, or punish them, or refuse to feed them??

My kids sat at the table and that would be my preference but when I am a GP, I will have to accept they are not my children.

I wouldn't accept it with a 6 year old either - they are old enough to know better! I also don't accept screens at the table.

If we were sitting down for a meal together if they left they would be asked if they were finished and either told to come back and finish if not, the food would be removed if they said they were. If they said they were not finished and refused to come back they would be told the food would be cleared and there would be nothing later so better eat now - never had a child not come back and finish when told the consequences.

If they were being served a meal by themselves I would sit down and chat with them while they ate it to embed the habit of good manners and habits.

HollieHobbie · 04/08/2023 14:42

Cosycover · 04/08/2023 12:34

Hes 6.

My kids don't need to sit and finish a meal. They can wander if they want. They can eat it for hours if they choose.

What is the big deal?

Little thing called table manners? Just a mere social convention that normal people tend to do at meal times.

Text123 · 04/08/2023 14:42

The thing is, if you have the attitude that table manners don't matter, even if you get away with this when they are kids, you are setting them up to fail, when they are adults.

Do you want them attending a meal with colleagues or an important boss, or for them to go on a date, and behave like a Neanderthal?

You owe it to your children to teach them these things. Anything else is lazy parenting.

Sugargliderwombat · 04/08/2023 14:43

SiennaSienna · 04/08/2023 14:18

Let me guess, this is your son’s child?

Ha! Oh yes...

Sorry op but YABU. If it's so straightforward tell him yourself at your house. None of your business at their house. Also, yoghurt is good for you it should just the part of the meal and not a reward.

RattleRattle · 04/08/2023 14:45

This reply has been deleted

This user is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

fullbloom87 · 04/08/2023 14:47

Maybe his parents are too busy to cook on an evening and he's used to just snacking.
I know a lot of working parents just give snacks rather then make a meal. It's sad.

NewNovember · 04/08/2023 14:48

Text123 · 04/08/2023 14:34

I honestly despair when I read things like this. YOU are the parent. YOU are meant to be teaching your children the basics, in behaviour and etiquette. How do you think your kids will get on, when they go to friend's houses for dinner, or out to a restaurant? I guess you haven't taught them how to use cutlery in the right order either? Or say please and thank you?

God love my Mum (RIP), who was from a very poor background, but taught me and my sister exactly how to behave at the dinner table, even down to which way a knife should be facing when we lay the table. She would have hated for us to make a mistake in front of peers.

We also had to ask for permission to leave the table, which was granted if it was deemed that meal time was over. Meals also consisted of chat about the day and was a great way for parents to really know what the children had been up to at school etc.

Are we just dragging kids up now?

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Ahh see I spend the day with my dc so I don't need a rigid time slot to talk to them. Rather than dragging kids up some of us are actually bringing our own dc up ourselves.

Iwasafool · 04/08/2023 14:49

Nellynoo182 · 04/08/2023 13:10

Just to offer a different perspective, I was a really fussy eater as a kid and drove my Grandma mad. My mum (probably exasperated bless her) took the approach to just make sure I ate something, even if it was plain pasta in butter every night. Of course, I grew out of this and now love trying different things and have a more varied diet than my Grandma! What I will say is every time I go out and eat around my Grandma even now (almost 30 years later) I can still NEVER finish a meal around her because I know she is watching and judging how much and what I eat 😂 around everyone else I have no problems at all so her stubbornness definitely had a negative effect on me! One thing that would help me as a kid was to be able to dish up my own food, choose how much pasta/ salad I wanted etc and also help cook or prepare the food. Maybe that will help your grandchild finish their meal and have a positive association with mealtimes at Granny’s 😊

Such a good post. I often cook with GC and if we are just having toast or sandwiches or something they will help with that. They love doing it and sometimes busy working mums can't do it all the time. I also involve them in choosing what we are going to eat and they come shopping with me and sometimes they will see something they would like that isn't on the list and we will decide how to swap things round e.g. we were going to have spagheastti bolognese and GD sees some lardons and asks if we can have carbonara instead.

Treat kids like responsible people and they will act like it.

Cognitivedisonance · 04/08/2023 14:49

Reugny · 04/08/2023 14:36

Does your son sit at a table if he goes to a friends or relations house and everyone else is sitting at the table?

If he does keep going. If he doesn't then you need to teach him to.

Show quote history

yes of course he can. He was introduced to cutlery before a year old and will sit at a table when it’s socially expected ( a bit like wearing shoes and being clean) but he sees that as different to the rules at home where we try to keep everything super relaxed and if he wants to pick noodles off a plate one at a time while sitting with his feet in the pool we let him. At a cafe he sits like a gentleman.He’s pretty feral at home but I’m told he does just fine with his manners at school when I’m not around too. I don’t remember actually formally teaching him so many things about manners and politeness , I think it just went in by osmosis to be fair, copying his Dad mainly who’s quite formal when he wants to be.

Iwasafool · 04/08/2023 14:51

Text123 · 04/08/2023 14:42

The thing is, if you have the attitude that table manners don't matter, even if you get away with this when they are kids, you are setting them up to fail, when they are adults.

Do you want them attending a meal with colleagues or an important boss, or for them to go on a date, and behave like a Neanderthal?

You owe it to your children to teach them these things. Anything else is lazy parenting.

And when they are out for a meal with a colleague will anyone tell them if they don't eat their greens they aren't getting a pudding? No because he won't be six then.

Peacelily001 · 04/08/2023 14:52

JusthereforXmas · Today 13:15
He sounds like my middle child (and also me as a child) we both have neurological issues so very short attention spans, my kid can forget he is eating mid chew.

We aren't 'bad' and I can tell you now being 'forced' has never once helped anyone, ignorant ablism is not the cure or fix to a kid thats inattentive. Its a almost always a symptom, not as simple as 'rudeness'.

Bloody hell. I have ADHD and my son has ASD. Somehow we both manage to sit for the duration of a meal.
My son is very inattentive but it’s a life skill he needs to learn.
It’s taken years of gentle redirection, not ‘force’. And guess what, it’s worked.

MrsMarzetti · 04/08/2023 14:52

Cosycover · 04/08/2023 12:34

Hes 6.

My kids don't need to sit and finish a meal. They can wander if they want. They can eat it for hours if they choose.

What is the big deal?

Yes, he is 6 not 3 and should be more than able to sit for 15 minutes or more. This is the reason teachers find it so hard to get children to sit because parents let them wander.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/08/2023 14:53

The wandering is unacceptable. I'd remove the food, and he can wait till next meal/next morning for more. Maybe that will get his attention. Clearly he's been poorly parented.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/08/2023 14:56

fullbloom87 · 04/08/2023 14:47

Maybe his parents are too busy to cook on an evening and he's used to just snacking.
I know a lot of working parents just give snacks rather then make a meal. It's sad.

That's terrible and there's really no excuse.

RattleRattle · 04/08/2023 14:56

This reply has been deleted

This user is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

dogsweetdog · 04/08/2023 14:56

I'd say at 6 he is (or should be) capable of sitting and eating a meal properly, and as others have said, your house, your rules! Maybe you'll do his parents a favour.

MrsMarzetti · 04/08/2023 14:56

fullbloom87 · 04/08/2023 14:47

Maybe his parents are too busy to cook on an evening and he's used to just snacking.
I know a lot of working parents just give snacks rather then make a meal. It's sad.

It is not sad, it's bloody pathetic.

limitedperiodonly · 04/08/2023 14:57

I'm guessing I might be a similar age to the OP - I'm 59. Eating around a table as a family is a nice thing to do if that works for your family but is fetishised as something proper families should do.

When I was a little girl my mum used to give me my main meal after school on a tray on my lap in front of the telly so I could watch my favourite programmes at the same time . First it was Dangermouse and then things like Top Of The Pops and The Kenny Everett Video Show. Blind Date was another one - I used to do my ironing and pick at snacks in front of that before going out on Saturday night.

Somehow I've grown into an adult who manages not to run around in restaurants.

I suspect this was because my parents spoke to me and encouraged me to express my opinions at other times: just not when I wanted to watch Wacky Races.

pumpkinspice87 · 04/08/2023 14:57

I can understand your frustration but I think you should allow the parents to take the lead in this situation. I can see the perspective that its your house, your food and your rules but it's just likely the parents have a more relaxed attitude to food and eating. I developed an eating disorder in my teens so it was important to me that my DH and I took a relaxed approach to food when it came to raising our own children. I will always encourage my son to try new foods (but never force) and allow him to determine what he likes and dislikes and when he is hungry or full. It really is not important to me that he stays seated at the table, if he is full he can get down and return to get some more when he is hungry. I do not offer sweet puddings everyday (usually fruit or yoghurt) but on days that I do there are no conditions that need to be met before it can be enjoyed. I want my child to grow up knowing that food is there to nourish you and to be enjoyed, it is not part of a reward or punishment system. I would honestly try to let your frustrations go, you sound like a brilliant Grandmother, enjoy your time with your grandchildren and don't turn mealtimes into a stress for your or them 😊

RedPony1 · 04/08/2023 14:58

Cosycover · 04/08/2023 12:34

Hes 6.

My kids don't need to sit and finish a meal. They can wander if they want. They can eat it for hours if they choose.

What is the big deal?

Not a big deal? Is this why so many children can't sit still at restaurants?

We had to sit down and eat, and not allowed to leave the table without asking, same as my young nieces and nephews. It's very basic manners not to be off wandering at meal times, surely?

Cuppa2sugars · 04/08/2023 15:00

Funny how they can sit in a dining room at school and finish a meal. But they can’t seem to do it at home ?

nokidshere · 04/08/2023 15:00

Everyone speaks as if it always has to be confrontational. It really doesn't. The majority of children are perfectly capable of adapting their behaviour to the place that they are at. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having 'at granny's we do this' rules that don't apply at home. Obviously this works better if it has always been the case though and not suddenly introduced.

I totally agree with having dishes of food so that everyone can help themselves to and not relying on someone else choosing how much food they eat.

I don't have grandchildren so it's not an issue for me in that way but I have many many children at my home, the only rule in my house is that I'm the boss 😉 everyone does the same, there's not one rule for one and different for others. Also the rules apply regardless of whether a parent is present or not. If we are sitting at the table, everyone sits at the table. If you don't want to sit at the table that's absolutely fine but then you don't get to eat. You can also sit at the table and not eat if that's what you prefer, but that has always been the case.

Fizzology · 04/08/2023 15:00

Yanbu. Sitting down to eat a meal together is an important cultural value for many people. It's a pretty standard cultural value in the UK. So being unable to sit down and chat and eat is a loss as an adult.

As adults, being a picky eater also makes life difficult - it rules out eating at other people's homes unless you know them very well and they are happy to indulge you. It can make certain travel destinations impossible. I have watched this happen to my cousin's children - we have been on holidays with them where there is nothing at all on the menu they can stomach. If it's not the sort of place with UPF readily available, they really struggle. Food is stressful for them. It's not nice to approach a meal thinking - will there be anything I can eat?

It's really worth it as a parent to encourage good table manners and as broad a range of food as dc can tolerate.