Grandchildren's eating habits AIBU?

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I love my grandson, but feel irritated about his eating habits. I'm posting here to see if this behaviour is the new normal and I'm being picky.
He's 6. I cooked a meal for them yesterday - a bit of salad and some tortellini, with sauce to add if they wanted to i.e. deliberately bland (but this applies to all meals we have with them).
So, firstly, he doesn't sit down at the table, but kneels or leans. Then he takes a mouth or two, and then wanders off. Then, a few minutes later, he reappears and might take a bit more, or, if what he wants is gone, gets given something else, like toast.
and then, about 30 minutes later, he'll want some of the pudding. And get given it.
I always used to say (when I had children) that you didn't get pudding if you hadn't eaten at least some of the main course and, once you'd got down from the table, that was it and you had to wait until the next meal.
Parenting is hard enough, without making it harder than needs be.
AIBU?

Where I live most people out all the food in pots and pans and serving bowls on the table, and everyone helps themselves (children too). When I’ve gone to dinner parties or someone’s house in England, food is always plated up. I always disliked it as I want to decide myself how much food and what food to eat.

Let me guess, this is your son’s child?

putting serving dishes in the middle of the table is normal where I am in England, and was when I grew up too and for my grandparents (one set english). I also do not like to have plated up food

I’m not sure about that - I grew up in the 80’s and 90’s and the weaponising food was rife. There was no rationing or food shortages then.

I really don’t think people realise just how much using food as a weapon damages children. And I would NEVER ask for advice on feeding from MN where a suspicious amount of posters are pro-ano and half the people here seem to have undiagnosed eating disorders themslevea

You are right in that is certainly not good for the teeth (either). And I wonder if they don’t wash their hands after eating..?

Same here. I hate people assuming the portion size im going to eat!

My children use cutlery usually. If their hands get dirty or sticky when eating then they wash them, but that’s rare

Yeah I much prefer it too. Plus you waste less food that way.

I'm 70 and I have firm boundaries about judging how other people's children are raised.

🙄

For the record, with relation to my post about my DGD eating at the table at my house but not (generally) at home, she's my daughter's child.

And nearly all the posts agreeing with the OP are from posters who are mothering their own young children, not from grandparents, MILs or otherwise.

Kind of on the fence. My boys are ND we abandoned family mealtimes as the anxiety asking them to sit at the table and eat was escalating along with mealtime meltdowns and massively worsening food restrictions... Once we worked that out and let them eat in a separate room off trays distracted by TV, we got kids that ate a good range of foods back as the pressure and anxiety of being watched was gone. However.... at grandparents we have agreed they will sit at the table and we will.make sure they never have to eat anything that makes them uncomfortable and if it gets tricky they can get down... but are finished.. we can also eat out in 'safe' restaurants. But again one of us will always take them out if they can't cope. By giving them control back so much anxiety has been taken away from eating that if we are careful, plan and advocate for them we know they can manage. However, at 6 we hadn't worked any of this out and were still clearing up flying meatballs... having failed to understand any of the triggers...

As a reaction to extremely authoriative dietery rules from my own 'clear your plate' 70s childhood, I took this approach with my DD, now 32. Unfortunately I ended up with a child who gradually moved from a broad diet to refusing everything but strawberries, oranges, toast, chicken nuggets, crisps and chocolate. It caused great anxiety as her range became smaller and smaller, until at times it was feed her something unbalanced or she wouldn't eat at all. Even now she's a very selective eater. She is determined to follow a different path with her own DC.
I think its fine if you have a child with a naturally adventurous palate and a love of food of all types. If you haven't, once you've started with the free choice, you can't get that genie back in the bottle.

Mine does exactly this I really couldn’t care anymore , if he was hungry he’d sit down and eat. The child obviously isn’t hungry. I wouldnt use pudding as a reward either that’s outdated and causes food issues.

That sounds really irritating. Mine sit down at the table & don’t leave until excused. A lot of children now have really poor table manners, you can see it in restaurants.

Oh God remember "please may I leave the table"?? I used to think families who did that were so weird.

It’s granny’s house, I’m not particularly houseproud but I would want a child with food on hands touching furnishings.
A child not sitting and getting up and down is probably not using cutlery so will have food on hands.
Sit at table to eat doesn’t mean forcing them to eat everything on plate.
My friend worked at a school where they needed extra dinner ladies as so many in reception were used to being fed.

I think the pudding being the "treat" or "desirable" food is giving them the wrong message. If you are saying you have to eat this if you want that you are telling them this isn't nice and that is nice.

In ten year's time, he will have headphones permanently in his ears, never look up from his screen and you'll be lucky if you can get two words out of him. Enjoy the time with him while he's still a lovely little child, and don't sweat the small stuff.

My son is six. He’ll eat anything unless it’s super spicy. He is allowed to eat wherever he wishes, the sitting room, the garden, his bedroom etc so long as the bowl comes back to the kitchen when he’s finished. It might take him an hour picking at it but he generally eats the main dish and then serves himself fruit or something from the baked tin. He also gets to choose what he has most evenings , if I fancied curry and someone shoved a piece of salmon under my nose I’d be disappointed! so to avoid waste and wingeing we are al a carte in this house. Some dishes he prepares by himself too, picking fruit and veg, peeling, chopping etc and I think it creates a healthy attitude to food.

I honestly despair when I read things like this. YOU are the parent. YOU are meant to be teaching your children the basics, in behaviour and etiquette. How do you think your kids will get on, when they go to friend's houses for dinner, or out to a restaurant? I guess you haven't taught them how to use cutlery in the right order either? Or say please and thank you?

God love my Mum (RIP), who was from a very poor background, but taught me and my sister exactly how to behave at the dinner table, even down to which way a knife should be facing when we lay the table. She would have hated for us to make a mistake in front of peers.

We also had to ask for permission to leave the table, which was granted if it was deemed that meal time was over. Meals also consisted of chat about the day and was a great way for parents to really know what the children had been up to at school etc.

Are we just dragging kids up now?

In the UK it depends on how you know the people.

So with many friends the meat is cut up to ensure there is another for every one to have some but the veg is put on the table for you to help yourself.

Though in some cases they have to hid the vegetarian/vegan/free from food until the person who needs that food has had a sufficient amount.

No. For me, it's getting them to 18 as happy, confident, considerate individuals (or at least knowing I gave it my best shot).

Parenting is a process. You might choose to let some of the less important stuff go at times to focus on the more important stuff.

Perfect table manners are in the 'nice to have' box imo. Something to work on, yes, but not to sweat over. If my kids show me up in a restaurant, it's not the end of the world. We'll take a break from 'nice' places, re-group and try again in a bit.

Having a colicky high needs baby has really put things in perspective for me in during past few months. My older child has been lucky sometimes if dinner is dumped on the table in front of them at a reasonable time before I run to see to the baby, let alone a nice catch-up or conversation. The most important thing for them atm is that they feel secure and loved and not pushed out. If they choose to eat their dinner watching TV danging upside down on their chair, it's fine for now. We'll sort it later.

I wouldn't have liked the wandering around. Pudding isn't a reward for eating in my house though. It's just..more food.