Grandchildren's eating habits AIBU?

[Sausagenbacon]

I love my grandson, but feel irritated about his eating habits. I'm posting here to see if this behaviour is the new normal and I'm being picky.
He's 6. I cooked a meal for them yesterday - a bit of salad and some tortellini, with sauce to add if they wanted to i.e. deliberately bland (but this applies to all meals we have with them).
So, firstly, he doesn't sit down at the table, but kneels or leans. Then he takes a mouth or two, and then wanders off. Then, a few minutes later, he reappears and might take a bit more, or, if what he wants is gone, gets given something else, like toast.
and then, about 30 minutes later, he'll want some of the pudding. And get given it.
I always used to say (when I had children) that you didn't get pudding if you hadn't eaten at least some of the main course and, once you'd got down from the table, that was it and you had to wait until the next meal.
Parenting is hard enough, without making it harder than needs be.
AIBU?

Yes because 6 month babies use a knife and fork . Such ridiculous idea

"Eat this that you clearly don't want or like, so you can eat that that you like" nope not signing up to that outdated nonsense, that creates some bizarre reward around food, just no. My kids are fussy, they like what they like, down to specific brands of things, if we eat anywhere else yes it's hard work but I wouldn't make them eat something they didn't like. You raised your kids how you thought was best and your children are doing the same with theirs, it isn't up to you now.

We don’t have rules around pudding, DS can have it first, last, or in between, I’m not fussed. But from when he was weaned he has always sat at the table for meal times, first in a high chair, then a booster seat, then a seat with cushions, then a normal dining chair (most chairs are too low for children to comfortably reach the table which may be causing the leaning/standing up). Also, we all eat together as a family unit so whilst there is no obligation to finish all your food, you do stay at the table until everyone is finished, as mealtimes are a social event where we catch up on everyone’s days and chat etc. DS also has to ask to be excused, as does everyone else.

It sounds like it might be worth implementing “Grandma’s house rules” around meal times? Children are quite adept at understanding that different settings require different rules E.g. the rules at home are probably different to the rules at school etc

It would annoy me to OP. Children should sit at the table to eat as a family.

Sitting down to eat reduces choking risk. It improves digestion. It enhances social skills and encourages families to talk which reduces stress and improves attachment. It teaches manners and allows for discussion around how food tastes, is prepared and benefits us.

Time for "Grannies house, grannies rules" I feel.

Then he takes a mouth or two, and then wanders off.

Why do you think he wanders off? Any idea?

My children have always sat at the table to eat and no tablets or phones allowed.
They are 13,11 and 9 now and it still applies.

We don't have pudding every day but they won't get it if they haven't eat at least some veg.
we've never been a family which sits on the sofa in front of the TV to eat. I don't like having food in bedrooms/ lounge.

My mum drives me nuts when she comes around, takes something to eat and doesn't bother getting a plate and dropping crumbs on the floor and sofa. 🙄

judging from my daughter’s friends 6/7 seems to be an age of fussiness. I don’t know if it is a way of exerting some control into their lives but there seem to be so many children who drop foods at this age. I have friends who are massively tearing their hair out and v restricted diets and my 7yo has definitely reduced the things she says she likes over the last year. The child will happily eat a salmon fillet and vegetables but won’t touch ham or tomato sauce anymore. Conversely my 4yo eats anything now but was a very fussy toddler. I’m going to appreciate her eating while it lasts…

This seems to be a normal thing now - letting kids wander around eating, or have their meal under the table, or watch ipads/phones while eating, instead of sitting at a table and having a proper meal. No wonder they don't eat properly, they're not even being expected to focus on the food, and then they want snacks as they're hungry an hour later. It's just not healthy for the kids and IMO not a great way of parenting them as it is basically teaching them to be distracted and unfocused.

Sounds like a sensory issue to me. My son has ARFID and cannot sit at the table for an entire meal. Our daughter can’t sit on a chair ‘normally’ or in the same position for more than a few minutes because of her hyper mobility and Spina Bifida occulta. Without knowing more about the child; any other issues (diagnosed or not or just suspected, such as SEN, an eating disorder like ARFID etc), it’s difficult to give an informed opinion. I’m also of the opinion that the state of mind of “you sit there until it’s gone and if you don’t eat it all, you don’t get pudding” sets up an unhealthy relationship with food.

I'm pretty short and find sitting "properly" on a dining chair quite uncomfortable so I would probably let the seating position go.

As far as being up and down from the table, I'd probably give a few minutes and then say "everyone's almost finished, do you want any more before we clear up?" And then again when everyone has finished "do you want any more of this now, before it goes away?"
If meals with you are frequent, he'll get to know he needs to stay at eat it if he actually wants to. And if he doesn't then he can eat when he gets home.

The pudding thing is not your place to decide a rule. I personally don't make it conditional, I don't want food to be a reward so wouldn't like my mum changing that for us!

i read about this study that had been done where the reason we eat desserts when kids say they’re full up (and adults too) it’s because our brain gets full off eating one thing. Hence we always have room for pudding…….

just thought this was an interesting tidbit.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff you must have a very different summer wherever you are, to be suggesting a picnic. I've had maybe two days since school broke up I've not needed a rain coat 😭
I do very much agree meal times don't always need to be so formal though!

Think I had the table next to your grandchild's at the restaurant recently! A right pain, didn't sit still, wandered off constantly coming round our table and at one stage, reached up to help himself! Well, he was stopped and told gently but firmly to go back to his parents. They sat there not saying a word. Was very unpleasant and we left without ordering a pudding. The constant up down, fussing, wandering around with food in his hand, skipping between tables not just ours. Looked to be 6 or 7, old enough to understand manners when out. Or be taken to a kid-appropriate restaurant, not one with mains in the £30 range.

I totally agree OP, I do think that sometimes it's a case of anything for an easy life, my DGS was hard work, getting him to use cutlery, wandering off etc. (and I don't mean toddler age, similar age to your DGS) he's now 10 and knows the rules at my house, we eat together, children get bored once their initial hunger is sated, I promise him a game after dinner rather than pudding and that works well, we do have pudding btw, usually an ice cream from the freezer, I'm a Nanna I'm allowed to spoil a little but I also like good manners.

If he’s a picky eater serving up nothing but plain food is the worst thing you can do. When will he try anything else and grow out of the pickiness then?

And I agree with PP, snacks mean kids treat meals like yet more snacks - that you can eat a little bit, leave it, and more food will appear in 1-2 hours. I was at the park today at 3pm and half the kids were eating as they played…

It’s definitely the new normal from what I’ve seen, but not in my house! My husband and I are pretty old school when it comes to parenting (quite strict boundaries, very limited screen time etc) but we never go anywhere without getting complimented on our kids’ behaviour and they are happy and smart so I feel like we must be doing something right!

I have my grandchildren for a sleepover every week. My eldest GS is coming up 5 and I've found that what they'll (mainly him) will eat at home, they won't eat here. Equally, they'll demolish food here, that they won't touch at home.

DD has the pudding rule, but I don't when they're at mine, as long as they eat some of their dinner.

Do you have healthy attitude to food yourself? Would be good to understand if your patterns can teach something good. Its important to eat when you are hungry not when everyone else does..

I've got two with autism and ADHD always told them you don't sit you don't eat. It's bad table manners to just let them come and go as they please. They should be sitting down together as a family and eating. Who wants to eat cold food? Bork no thanks.

Is the child your son's child or your daughter's child?
It sounds like you don't eat with him that often so maybe the child is reacting to having a meal with you.

It's actually healthy for children to know that there are different expectations in different houses. If you don't like it, then don't accept it. However, if you are at the parents' house, let it go.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but you will really touch a nerve on this one. I think even those of us for whom table manners, behaviour and routine were very important when our children were young, do tend to forget the times when it didn't always go to plan and we indulged them for an easy life.

Your only option, without falling out spectacularly with your grandson's parents, is to ignore it and hope he grows out of it in the end. At least be thankful that other people will be watching him and judging them for it, and not you.

I feel like you feel at every meal with my SDC and I can't say a single thing. Problem is I am pregnant and I don't want this behaviour and habits to continue after baby is born because I hate it. This is not what I want, but when you are a step parent or grandmother, and the parent is fine with it, it is hard.

My DD who’s 2 knows to sit and eat her meal. When she’s finished she tells us she is done and then we can say okay get down. If it’s a family meal then she knows to sit and wait while everyone is eating, but she is included in the conversation at the table, or if we go out we bring colouring to keep her occupied.

He’s 6 so should know how to sit at a table and eat a meal properly. I wouldn’t be having it. It’s bad table manners and lazy parenting IMO.