Grandchildren's eating habits AIBU?

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I love my grandson, but feel irritated about his eating habits. I'm posting here to see if this behaviour is the new normal and I'm being picky.
He's 6. I cooked a meal for them yesterday - a bit of salad and some tortellini, with sauce to add if they wanted to i.e. deliberately bland (but this applies to all meals we have with them).
So, firstly, he doesn't sit down at the table, but kneels or leans. Then he takes a mouth or two, and then wanders off. Then, a few minutes later, he reappears and might take a bit more, or, if what he wants is gone, gets given something else, like toast.
and then, about 30 minutes later, he'll want some of the pudding. And get given it.
I always used to say (when I had children) that you didn't get pudding if you hadn't eaten at least some of the main course and, once you'd got down from the table, that was it and you had to wait until the next meal.
Parenting is hard enough, without making it harder than needs be.
AIBU?

Who made up these rules anyway?

Sitting at a table to eat a meal has been the convention for centuries.

It’s none of your business unless the parents ask for your input.

Of course it’s her business, it’s in her house.

I strongly suspect my DS has ADHD and also has a lot of issues around food. I definitely encourage sitting at the table and trying what’s on his plate, but forcing the issue can be counterproductive.

Lol maybe people want to get on with the rest of their day rather than meal time go on for hours?
OP. Think suggestion from PP of ‘this is what we do at granny’s house’ is spot on. You unfortunately can’t influence what happens elsewhere.

It is difficult to say if you are being unreasonable or reasonable. You have reasonable expectations of Generic 6 Year Old Child but then no child comes out of a box. None of us know who your grandson is and what he is dealing with right now.
You do. So please first of all, access the situation. Does he usually find it difficult to concentrate or sit still? Has he had difficulties at school? At home? Are his parents making a parenting choice but letting him get up and down from the table (such as choosing not to make mealtimes a battle or create lifelong problems with food) or are they winging it because something is going on that is difficult to manage? A family therapist here in NZ put it best: is he acting UP or acting OUT?
My son's best friend had a late diagnosis of ASD, ADHD and ODD and honestly, his parents were constantly getting the raw deal of having their boy painted with a very broad brush of unruly, disruptive and naughty by teachers and other parents (including myself at times, I am ashamed to say). Another wee one I know is probably on the spectrum (patents will not talk to me about it) and meal times are absolutely chaotic.
Also, I need to ask something of you, as this has been an ongoing battle with my inlaws and at times, my mum.
Are your boundaries clearly explained to your grandson and have you been consistent in enforcing them? I don't mean that you discipline your grandson per say, rather something like "No. Granny doesn't like that. We don't do that in Granny's house".
He doesn't know to act in a certain way if he hasn't been told. I have found, in my experience, grandparents really want a fun, relaxed time with their grandkids - and let them away with pretty bad behaviour - but will then complain bitterly that the kids are out of control and show them no respect... but they don't want that dealt with, because they don't want any trouble. From the perspective of someone trying to raise my kids to be respectful and aware of boundaries, it is infuriating. It is confusing and upsetting for them when a grandparent snaps because an unknown rule has been broken...
But back to your situation, I think other posters have offered sage advice. As a kid I would have hated tortellini because if you didn't like the flavour, you couldn't escape it. I hated strong flavours. My kids went through phases when they preferred things bland.
Also kneeling does usually indicate they are not high enough - even a cushion can help this (if a booster seat makes him feel like a baby).
Forgive my long post. I know dealing with in-laws (especially daughters-in-law, if this is the case) but please decide if this is a line you want to draw in the sand because it is highly likely hackles will get raised if they think you are questioning their parenting.

The lack of resilience and mental health issues that today's young adults face has everything to do with a generation of parents who allowed their children to have access to social media. This combined with covid lockdowns. Let's not pretend that this is because parents allow their children to get down from the table and eat a pudding without finishing a main meal.

It’s a culmination of all these things. All of which are a result of this style of parenting.

I'd love to see the evidence that a child being able to sit at a table for 20 minutes and eat what you maybe don't want/don't like results in mental resilience. If it is true what a wonderful and simple diagnostic tool to get CAMHS help early. Having worked with people with mental health issues I'd say the split of young people who had grown up with firm boundaries and lax boundaries was pretty evenly split. Table manners didn't seem to be an indicator either way but if there are studies proving your point do show us.

Social media is an issue, sexual abuse is a significant issue, drugs and alcohol are significant, never seen a connection with table manners. I've seen young people with beautiful manners in general and table in particular with mental health issues.

My kids are all graduates, all have post grad qualifications and successful professional careers. They all have busy social lives and knowing their old teachers and their friends I know they don't have any issues.

Other than the fact my children never went to bed hungry you have no idea how I parented them and funnily enough going to bed well fed hasn't had any detrimental effect on how they navigate normal social situations but if you think sending a young child to bed hungry then I hope you don't actually have children.

Because they just want to hold forth with their own opinions ( usually mixed with a large dollop of self praise)

so many threads on mumsnet could be collected together under the title “why are parents today so completely shit?”

and then we could get it all out in one

This is something every generation has believed for years. The next generation is always the 'worst'. Whilst that will be true in some respects, it never considers the flip side.

One example... Children nowadays hold stronger personal boundaries and so are 'worse behaved'. Ie. Don't necessarily respond to commands as quickly as previous generations, wont accept hugs just to make someone happy etc. But with those stronger personal boundaries, they're also more accepting of others' differences and boundaries which makes them more tolerant in general.

The world changes, and the strengths/skills you need change with it. There's always going to be downsides but I'm a strong believer that previous generations are just judging current generations on what they were brought up to believe without taking into account that times change.

This isn't to say there aren't plenty of rubbish parents and badly behaved kids. I just doubt that it's any more prevalent now than it used to be.

As I said…good to give yourself a gold
parenting medal. My kids don’t go to bed hungry because they sit and eat dinner at the table. Who knows, they’ll probably be all kinds of f*ed up, but at least they can manage in a restaurant!

Yes he should be eating at the table and not wandering off then coming back.

People saying that’s ok are being silly because how does that help them learn?

My sons 6 and is autistic he can sit perfectly still at a table and doesn’t wander around. He even asks if he can get down and this if after being non verbal for 5 years.

If they eat majority of their food and you think it’s enough then pudding is acceptable after. But if they have had couple of mouthfuls when you know they like it and then say they’re full up then they’re also full up for pudding too.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I would definitely try and nip that in the bud as it’s your house your rules .

Maybe we could take it in turns to be the sacrificial lambs and get 200 people telling us they'll never be able to eat a meal in a restaurant for the rest of their lives because of that time we were a bit lax around nans house

Hi,
I think you might have misread my post. I said it’s a culmination of all the ways in which lax parenting creates adults who have little resilience, little drive, etc.
I didn’t say sitting to eat a meal equals good mental health.

I'm nearly six months off my bus pass and here are my thoughts.

My parents brought me up to be polite and to be observant to social rules mostly for my good at fitting in and getting on. But the important thing they taught me was but not to be a slave to them whether as a child, a working class person or a female one.

If I want to do things and more importantly don't want to do them, I say that politely but firmly.

As it happens I eat nearly everything including offal which makes many people go "Eww!" or "Disgusting. Kidneys taste of wee" which was a comment from my brother-in-law just as I was about to eat. That was equally as ill-mannered of him as getting up and running around the restaurant. On balance, I thought that would be a better thing because at least I'd have been able to eat my dinner in peace.

I sometimes drop my food into my lap but I have good table manners. With the notable exceptions of beetroot, avocado, olives, halva (especially chocolate halva) and oysters I eat most things. I have tried them which is why I know I definitely don't like them. It's not an allergy. I just don't like them. I don't much like kale either. It's like stewed thistles - I have eaten stewed thistles. I prefer cabbage or sprouts but I will have a stab at eating kale and leave most of it on the side of my plate.

I don't go a bundle on desserts either. In a restaurant I would choose a starter and a main course and skip the pudding. If I was being polite and keeping my companion company because people, usually women, sometimes think afters are naughty because of ingrained societal norms and often ask: "Ooh! Are you having an afters? I will if you will," , I would choose a puddingy or fruity thing. A jam roly poly with custard would be my ultimate but you never get that so I would go with a blueberry clafoutis. I'd never go for chocolate. I don't hate chocolate but I just don't like it that much.

As I said, I am nearly 60 and despite the occasional dining faux pas - I love Findus Crispy Pancakes and Brandy Alexanders - I have managed to navigate life okay.

Hi. I don't want to misread you but I think your idea of lax parenting might be my idea of strong parenting. My parents taught me that as long as I was not rude and understood that to get on in life I might have to observe some social conventions, I should be able to do as I pleased and most importantly not do what other people pleased.

So as a child I had dinner on a tray on my lap in front of the telly because that is what I wanted to do and it wasn't hurting anyone else. All these years later I don't run around in restaurants.

Similarly I am quite comfortable with saying to people in all sorts of situations - social, work, sexual: "Thanks for the offer but I don't want to do that."

I'd say my resilience, drive, mental health etc is very robust and is all down to my parents being strong from their point of view or lax from yours.

Wandering off during mealtimes is a big no-no from me. I also work in a school and children are sat on bottoms, not on their knees, which is on repeat the whole of mealtime. Its basic manners and something parents should be instilling.

One example... Children nowadays hold stronger personal boundaries and so are 'worse behaved'. Ie. Don't necessarily respond to commands as quickly as previous generations, wont accept hugs just to make someone happy etc.

@Curiosity101 oh God hugs and kisses. I don't think my mum was abused as a child but she was adamant that we didn't have to do that just to be polite and never had to call friends of the family aunties and uncles.

It's boundaries, isn't it? And before anyone says my mum was a bonkers woke person she would have been 100 and my dad would have been 105 this year. They did not find it appropriate among other parenting things.

In fact we never called our actual aunts and uncles Auntie and Uncle. They were all older than my parents. We called them by their first names and there was never a problem with that.

I prefer to be called Limited by my nieces and nephews, especially since the eldest of them is nearly 50 and her calling me Auntie Limited would make me feel 112 years old.

My sister in law insists on that and she is a nice woman but it is a bit awkward seeing as her children both have children of their own. I really don't want to be Great Aunt Limited.

Other people can parent as they want but the one thing I won't have is when they claim it would never have happened in the olden days.

My parents would be officially old if they were still alive. Much older than the people talking about things on here some of whom are younger than me. You have your opinions but my parents would not have approved so don't co-opt them.

Again, I’m being replied to as if I’ve written a completely different post.
I haven’t stated any of the things which you try to address.

I agree with the PP poster that social media has had a huge, if not the biggest, negative impact on young people’s development. That is scientifically proven.

What is also a contributing factor is popular parenting styles moving away from rules and expectations.

We employ many young adults and the shift in their resilience and decline in their mental health over the course of the last 10 years in really concerning.

I do agree he should be sitting at the table and not wandering, and I do agree that if it’s a meal he definitely likes a reasonable chunk of it (and all the veg) should be eaten before there’s any thought of pudding.

However I’m not sure I would call tortellini bland (unless it was agreed that he likes it in advance) and I can’t get too excited about kneeling on the chair for a bit more height tbh!

I'm over ten years older than you but honestly we have such similar tastes. I love cabbage and like most veg but wouldn't bother with kale, can't stand beetroot or olives. Slight difference on puddings as my number one would be apple pie and custard. I like Indian and Italian food but didn't have any as a child, never stopped me enjoying it once I found it.

My parents sound very similar to yours.

My big differences are I love chocolate, my excuse is I was born within sniffing distance of a chocolate factory, and I'm teetotal.

Really? We are also employers. I think you are labouring under the impression of some golden age where 19-year-olds turned up to work keen as mustard and without hangovers.

I work in a very competitive industry . When I was 19 I was as keen as mustard but there were times when was not in the fittest state. One day at 23 I was sent home from work and told if I came back in a fitter state the next day no more would be said.

I took that on board. But other people of my age and older were incapable of holding down a job.

As an employer you just work out who they are rather than wringing your hands. It's not hard.