Grandchildren's eating habits AIBU?

[Sausagenbacon]

I love my grandson, but feel irritated about his eating habits. I'm posting here to see if this behaviour is the new normal and I'm being picky.
He's 6. I cooked a meal for them yesterday - a bit of salad and some tortellini, with sauce to add if they wanted to i.e. deliberately bland (but this applies to all meals we have with them).
So, firstly, he doesn't sit down at the table, but kneels or leans. Then he takes a mouth or two, and then wanders off. Then, a few minutes later, he reappears and might take a bit more, or, if what he wants is gone, gets given something else, like toast.
and then, about 30 minutes later, he'll want some of the pudding. And get given it.
I always used to say (when I had children) that you didn't get pudding if you hadn't eaten at least some of the main course and, once you'd got down from the table, that was it and you had to wait until the next meal.
Parenting is hard enough, without making it harder than needs be.
AIBU?

Saying that "lax parenting" (I mean not going in hard on table manners rather than actual real neglect) is in any way to blame for mental health issues is rather offensive is it not?

Not aimed at anyone in particular as it's been a bit of a theme on this thread.

Has it? Did Anglo Saxon peasants have dining tables and chairs? My parents didn't and they were born 100 years ago. We had them in the 50s, 60s and 70s but only used them when we felt like it. Christmas and Easter, mostly.

Fairly common not seating around a table for every meal I would say. We certainly don't. I was definitely allowed a tray in the 70s, and I had no issue sitting and eating at school.

My children are 5 and 2.

Both are expected to eat a reasonable amount of their meal or they don't get pudding. Even if they don't like the meal, we encourage them to eat at least some of it, and they know there is no other dinner. Pudding is usually fruit and yoghurt or similar. They are also both expected to sit at the table until everyone has finished eating, and if they get down they can't come back (we are more lenient with the 2 year old but when she goes to get down we ask if she is finished and she often says no and turns back around). The kneeling thing I would let go.

You're definitely not being unreasonable though.

My children found eating at grandparent's house stressful and wouldn't eat much when they were little. It was the fussing that stressed them out, the little comments about eating etc. I think they felt like they were on show and had an audience. My eldest is 9 now and is fine, he 6 year old can still be a bit iffy. We just tell him to eat what he wants, sometimes it's loads and sometimes not.

If he does this at mealtimes generally the it sounds like lazy parenting. Parents aren't doing kids any favours by not teaching basic table manners and normal social behaviour. A lot of this modern 'parenting' I will admit I don't understand, seems like making a rod for your own back/extra work AND not helping the child fit in with others socially.

I don't think "finish your plate" ever made sense. It teaches the child to ignore their own body's signals.

What?!? It's her grandson.

The phrase my own Grandmother used to say "those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" springs to mind. In other words, unless your parenting was 100% perfect at all times, please stop calling others 'lazy.' We can all be criticised for something.

I so agree @Sausagenbacon. I don't have grandchildren but do have 6 godchildren. Some have excellent table manners - others don't. In fact, two of them, when they would not behave at the table or use their fingers to eat (when they were old enough to use a knife and fork) or wandering around in between mouthfuls, their mum and dad used to say "we are going to call TopSec and she will come and sort you out" ha ha - because I didn't allow it at my house. Funnily enough though they loved coming to my house for dinner, so its just a case of what they can get away with and what they can't. I would now take them anywhere knowing their table manners are good. We did however make sure the chairs were correct for them to sit at the table comfortably
The other thing I notice now, and not sure why this is, that mums now put food direct onto the high chair tray so the child can use their fingers to eat, rather than sit and feed them like some of us oldies did. I've even seen it with spaghetti bolognaise!!!!! Why is this? Why not put the food on a plate and give them a spoon? Yes its messy but you would be sat with them, helping them. Surely this is how they learn from a younger age - or maybe I'm just an old fashioned old person :)

I’m an old fashioned old person too. It’s apparently called baby led weaning. It seems counterintuitive to teach them to eat with their hands and then undo it all by introducing plates and cutlery. It must confuse the hell out of them.

Does that apply to spoonfeeding them as well? How can they adjust to doing it themself?

Do you ever eat with your hands, pick up a sandwich or a biscuit, I do and I don't find it confusing at all.

You can do baby led weaning with plates and spoons. You give the baby the spoon.

The pp I responded to specifically mentioned food directly on a high chair tray and eating with hands. Not with a plate and spoon. She also mentioned Spag Bol - do you eat that with your hands @Iwasafool?

Yes I know but you then expressed bewilderment that children could ever learn to use cutlery.

Of course if you just want to be grumpy…

Pot, kettle? 🙄

I’m not grumpy, I’m amused by the snotty ‘apparently called baby led weaning’

It’s been around 20 odd years. It’s not a new fangled idea worthy of such derision.

Frequently. Sandwiches, biscuits, hot dogs, iceceam, burger. Lots of things, don't you?

No, I can say hand on heart I’ve never eaten spag bol with my hands.

No I don't eat spag bol with my hands but I do eat with my hands. Did you ever spoonfeed a baby? Did it confuse them? Were you still spoonfeeding them as an adult?

Actually I don't eat spag bol fullstop.

I introduced cutlery from the start of “baby led weaning”, but even if I hadn’t I don’t know why cutlery would be such a confusing concept to a baby if introduced a few months later. Everything is brand new to a baby! And they will see their parents and maybe siblings eating with cutlery every day. Completely mad argument against baby led weaning.

Not unreasonable. My children (older and younger than 6) are expected to sit at the table until everyone has finished and eat a reasonable amount with basic table manners. If they aren’t very hungry that’s fine, but it means there is an expectation they also aren’t hungry enough for dessert (although this depends on the situation).

One of the most realistic replies on this thread.

Children, especially youngish ones, don't like drawn out meals.
"Grandparents have often forgotten that an adult paced meal of eating and conversation is way too long and boring for children."

The seating a lot of posters have dealt with.

Also what is the atmosphere? DGM used to use mealtimes for "conversation" which mean quizzing them with thinly disguised disapproval throughout the meal. Or asking "leading" questions about home habits and commenting on how wrong they were. (the I blame the parents line) Noting that they were'nt properly using the napkins laid out for them, holding their knife like a pen etc (when they were 4!) Having to eat whilst being closely observed and continuously commented on was very uncomfortable for them.

Maybe this isn't how it is in your house, but you do sound quite critical of your GS, perhaps mealtimes could be more relaxing and less stressful. It's summer take the meal outdoors on a picnic rug. Make sandwiches and things to pick at, including fruit for eg and have the meal in the garden on a picnic rug. if he plays a bit and comes back, what's the harm then? make it a bit more relaxing and I think you will get more co-operation and he will look forward to mealtimes a bit more and his habits will improve.

Your DS will soon get older and be able to sit still at tables for longer periods. But this is not school, this is his GP's house where he should feel comfortable.

Who wants to be told that pudding is a reward for behaving? or it can be withheld as a threat? I have heard this line many times and I think it is the beginning of the road to eating disorders. You have been a BAD child so you can't have this marvellous pudding, so think on that.

What is he doing that is so wrong anyway. He's not smashing furniture or biting you or screaming. He's picky about his food ( which his parents told you he'd eat) so that's annoyed you and he gets up and wanders off. Maybe encourage him nicely to come back without using pudding or withholding of pudding as the main incentive.

It’s not up to you to enforce rules and that doesn’t seem like a great meal for a kid , let’s be honest most kids get picky once they start school .
Maybe there are underlying issues about his lack of sitting quiet ? My daughter behaved the same way , she has ADHD so finds it hard to sit for long.