Grandchildren's eating habits AIBU?

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I love my grandson, but feel irritated about his eating habits. I'm posting here to see if this behaviour is the new normal and I'm being picky.
He's 6. I cooked a meal for them yesterday - a bit of salad and some tortellini, with sauce to add if they wanted to i.e. deliberately bland (but this applies to all meals we have with them).
So, firstly, he doesn't sit down at the table, but kneels or leans. Then he takes a mouth or two, and then wanders off. Then, a few minutes later, he reappears and might take a bit more, or, if what he wants is gone, gets given something else, like toast.
and then, about 30 minutes later, he'll want some of the pudding. And get given it.
I always used to say (when I had children) that you didn't get pudding if you hadn't eaten at least some of the main course and, once you'd got down from the table, that was it and you had to wait until the next meal.
Parenting is hard enough, without making it harder than needs be.
AIBU?

at preschool and above children are taught how to sit and eat for a cert at period of time.children manage it at school once they start.Just like using cutlery etc although it still surprises me how many children don’t have the basics etc.my DS had challenging behaviour shall we say when younger but we taught and his special school also spent a lot of time doing the basics of learning to sit at a table. Whether for food or education.I would ask him to sit at the table please to eat and by all means take his time but maybe if he’s been allowed to do it at home he thinks it’s the norm.I bet at school he sits just fine

It’s not just food intake, is it? Your metabolism slows as you age. And life is very different now. Far fewer people had cars and walked relatively long distances. The fact that far more children are overweight now is testimony to that. You’re attempting to simplify something that’s far more complex.

I’m the one simplifying things when the posted I was replying to claimed old ways of never leaving the table etc resulted in NO disordered eating, NO obesity and NO snacking?? Rubbish.

It’s a class thing-I’m a community health worker and older people are more overweight in poor areas. They’re not in wealthy areas. Our food intake has changed. But I see many, many young people who are overweight. So obviously something has gone wrong very early on. In my youth, maybe 1 in 10. That’s not going to be good for our overall health. Especially as our metabolism does change with age-if people are fat as kids, what hope do they have in adulthood?

I do not think you are unreasonable. Children need to learn to sit at the table, use their cutlery properly and make conversation. There will be times when they are at formal occasions and cannot use the lack of basic skills and manners instilled by their parents to ruin the occasion for everyone else. They sit and eat their meal or they get down and leave the table and then the meal is over for them. No demanding snacks or pudding ten minutes later. It is just very basic manners and life skills, as is saying thank you to the chef and helping clear up. I say that as a current parent to a wide range of age range children. Manners are 100% a learned and valuable life skill.

Oh I do love these modern "we know better" parents! You do realise that the generations who follow on will most certainly be pointing out where you went wrong.

I personally don't know any children who behave like that at mealtimes, although I have seen plenty who don't know how to behave when eating out and it is very unpleasant to witness. The parents I know insist on table manners, and their children are all a pleasure to know.

I would love to know how the kids of these wonderful permissive parents get on when they get to school or the workplace and find that they don't have quite as much autonomy as they think they should have.

And here we have it - the prize for the most idiotic post goes to ........

How old are they? When will you change this?? What's wrong with teaching them to sit down and eat?

That would drive me mad too. He's 6! Old enough to sit at a table for a meal, eat with knife and fork, say please and thank you. Also old enough to know that rules can be different at Gran's house than at home.

Teaching him table manners would be doing him a favour.

I was 6 in 1975.
I was made to sit at our G plan teak dining table and eat every scrap of my pork chop, mash and peas, beef stew or shepherds pie. If this meant hours of chewing some fatty shoe leather stewing gristle, so be it. I had to get permission to leave the table and it wasn't granted until my pirex plate was empty.
At school, very similar scenario, although the dinner ladies did have to release us in time for lessons, but we missed playtime if we didn't eat everything, and were punished by scraping plates into the dreaded pig bin.
I vividly recall the obsession with 'correct' use of cutlery and I and other 'freaks' as we were called for being left handed, being forced to eat with out knife and fork in what was for us, the wrong hands.
All told, eating was a pretty miserable affair.
As an adult I'm a whole food vegan with a BMI of 21 despite menopause. Love food, but able to self regulate. The only hangover is my hatred of food waste. However, my solution is that other 70s hangover, Tupperware, rather than overeating.

I'm 70 so don't think I qualify as modern but I always wanted meal time to be a pleasant time and forcing a child to sit still never seemed the way to do it. Having food they like, a pleasant atmosphere with nice conversation is more likely to have a positive result for everyone.

You might think the children of parents who insist on "table manners" (I think table manners is more to do with using cutlery and saying please and thank you and not chewing with your mouth open rather than sitting still) might be a pleasure for you to know but they might not be enjoying the experience at all.

The "how do they get on at school" is just silly. School isn't the same as home, at home there aren't 30 kids in a room or even more in the canteen so the rules are different and surprise surprise kids work that out even if some adults seem to struggle with the concept.

That sounds so miserable, how is a child supposed to enjoy that sort of meal time. I'm glad you can eat what you enjoy now.

Playing I spy or another game or just having a nice chat is the way to engage them with sitting down and enjoying a meal with you. Yes you can have rules but why would people want a miserable child sitting there when you can have a nice time. I bet you didn't need to force them to sit with you.

My daughter is 2. We eat every meal together (or if I'm at work she eats with my Mum who has her). She sits and eats. No toys, no wandering off. Depending on which meal it is we talk about our plans for the day/ what we've done. She doesn't get to have other meal options, we all eat the same. She asks to leave the table. I think it's really important to imbed good dining etiquette early on. She loves mealtimes and it's a relaxing event in our house. My niece is up and down, plays, runs around. It's a nightmare and takes forever for the meal to finish. Instead of eating with her, my db and sister in law turn eating into a game. Then they ask how we get our dd to sit so nicely. I'm not a perfect parent, and my dd has her moments too but having a calm meal time is very realistic imo.

In those days @Iwasafool there was far less focus on whether a child enjoyed things then there is now. I was a much wanted and loved child, but that didn't alter the fact that my childhood, like most of my peers, was structured around the wishes and convenience of adults.
Childhood was not seen by parents as something they needed to go out of their way to make fun (we did have fun, but largely incidental, self made or because the activity suited the adult) it was more something to be passed through until you graduated to the rewards of adulthood, and proper life began.
If we were forced to clear our plates, the thinking was we needed to eat to grow, food was expensive and shouldn't be wasted and adults knew best and were entitled to tell us what to do.
There was incidently, far less focus on eating for pleasure anyway. It was much more of a functional activity than in today's culture. IME anyway.

My eldest has suspected ADHD - she will half sit on a chair. She prefers to stand or lean at the table and will wolf her food down as fast as she possibly can. On the other hand I have my youngest to contend with who is underweight, eats about 5 foods in total and even then about 5 spoonfuls if I'm lucky. I pick my battles with them.

They do know that they're supposed to sit nicely at the table - my youngest may not eat but will sit and wait patiently and my eldest may not sit properly but will at least stand at the table (if she does sit then she's kicking her legs which causes more issues), but I don't withhold food types - so if there is dessert, then they can have some if they want it. Frankly I have enough issues around food without calling certain foods 'bad' - I'm happy when the youngest is even willing to TOUCH a new food.

There's often a lot of judgement on parents without us ever knowing the full context of what else is going on, obviously it may be a case of a child not being taught - or it may be a case of a parent simply trying to get through the day.

I think his parents are being too soft and indulgent allowing him to wander around during a meal. Sitting at the table and behaving is a life skill. I can’t bear entitled parents who overindulge their kids. I recently witnessed 2 parents spend 10 minutes ‘ negotiating’ with a kid who was 3 years at most about getting out of the car. Insane. And yes, I have 3 kids of my own who were all perfectly capable of sitting down for 10 minutes to eat lunch aged 6.

The thing is, he isn’t being done any favours being allowed to do this. I never ate with mine at 4pm, when they got in from school, but I’d be in the kitchen either cooking someone for a later meal or checking on a pudding or something, so the oven or hob would invariably be on. Not a chance would I let them wander about, and when other kids came for tea and did this, I’d just say ‘ go sit down please, it’s dangerous for you to be walking around in here’. I can’t have some kids creeping around when I’m getting a casserole or something out the oven. The ones that did this weren’t invited back for tea, I just didn’t want the responsibility for them. I’m all for wanting to make it easy to be my DC’s friend, not establish hurdles.

Thanks to the other posters that have pointed out already how wrong your last comment is. Are you usually so judgemental and rude?

For what it’s worth my other (neurotypical) DC all have beautiful table manners.

this makes everyone’s life easier. You can eat out wherever you like with your DD, go to family weddings etc. It’s not harsh, it’s removing obstacles that others allow to exist. I had a friend like this- major trauma if ever they have to go anywhere

I have a 5yo and insist on appropriate manners i.e. not getting up from the table until finished, sitting with a bottom on the chair etc. It's a drag sometimes as it requires a few reminders but generally she sits and eats her meal well. My view is if she doesn't practise at home how will she know how to eat when we go out to restaurants, friends etc. I don't think it's fair to suddenly expect a child to follow a whole new set of dining rules in certain situations. But I guess that's why you get some kids who are allowed to run wild in restaurants.

I have young children and they don’t behave like that - right from being toddlers we have set age-appropriate boundaries around mealtimes so by the time they went to school they knew how to sit and eat a meal politely, use a knife and fork correctly and have good table manners. They know that if they ask to leave the table, then they are leaving the meal (so no returning for more or having pudding), and the same rules apply to their friends when they come over, not that it’s ever been an issue as they all just sit there and eat nicely I find. So it’s not the new normal, I don’t know any children of 3+ who do that.

However it’s down to parents to set their own rules so he’s obviously allowed to do those things at home and maybe there’s a good reason he is allowed. Could you try having a chat with him about ‘Granny’s rules’ before the next meal so he knows what the expectations are?

Why is everybody so judgemental ? Cant we just agree that everyone's ideas are different not necessarily right or wrong?

I do think it's a generational thing. We always sat at the table and ate the same meal together (puddings only at weekends) as a family, as did my parents with theirs. I planned to do the same with my dc but hasn't worked out that way. We eat different meals at different times, due to when we get in from work, dc and their needing to eat earlier and bland preferences etc. However no way are they allowed to wander around, they sit down and are expected to finish at least most of the meal before an after. Mealtime structures and etiquette are important to me due to way I was brought up as it gives a sense of occasion and respect for being provided. Xx

You’re the granny, your job is to indulge your grandkids, think they can do no wrong and not judge the parents.

You sound uptight and a a killjoy- withholding yoghurt because a 6 year old wondered off- batshit.