Grandchildren's eating habits AIBU?

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I love my grandson, but feel irritated about his eating habits. I'm posting here to see if this behaviour is the new normal and I'm being picky.
He's 6. I cooked a meal for them yesterday - a bit of salad and some tortellini, with sauce to add if they wanted to i.e. deliberately bland (but this applies to all meals we have with them).
So, firstly, he doesn't sit down at the table, but kneels or leans. Then he takes a mouth or two, and then wanders off. Then, a few minutes later, he reappears and might take a bit more, or, if what he wants is gone, gets given something else, like toast.
and then, about 30 minutes later, he'll want some of the pudding. And get given it.
I always used to say (when I had children) that you didn't get pudding if you hadn't eaten at least some of the main course and, once you'd got down from the table, that was it and you had to wait until the next meal.
Parenting is hard enough, without making it harder than needs be.
AIBU?

Socialisation.

Not being a dickhead.

My oldest (8) does this but he is autistic. He will take food from his plate from the table and head to the stairwell where it’s more closed in and quiet or up to his room and then come down again. Any dining out has to be at quiet times and close to the door so we can make a quick exit if he gets overwhelmed even if he is wearing his ear defenders. It’s worse for him at the in-laws since there are more people for a meal so he’ll head upstairs and then come down after everyone has finished and/or the noise level has lowered for him.

Wow. No wonder behaviour has deteriorated so far in schools if this is the kind of thing that’s ok at home.

my littlest one might get up a couple of times but is then told that if he gets up again, dinner is finished.

She’s not forcing him to finish plate just concept it’s lunch time we sit and eat now not get up and down constantly.
It doesn’t sound like the food provided is an issue just the manner of eating.
So granny cooks meal and puts food on table.
Child doesn’t sit properly so risk will knock or spill something.
Then has a bite or two and goes off - out of sight?
He pops back and forward taking bites. If using his hands to eat he’ll be smearing food on things.
It’s not pleasant if someone is up and down from table like a yo yo.
I‘m a volunteer youth leader and have now learned to spell it out that this is our lunch time and everyone needs to sit and eat/drink we have 30 minutes or whatever. We’ve had children who usually graze on their own timescale not understanding (and their parents then complaining they’ve not eaten or drunk)

Ah, so you're the woman whose children wander around restaurants tripping up staff, demanding attention, bothering other diners and generally making a nuisance of themselves, are you?

Ugh, such uptight attitudes in this thread. Forcing kids to sit and finish their plate is linked to eating disorders and obesity.

Genuine question, has anyone said kids should be forced to 'finish their plate'?

Have you missed the bit where those of us who allow our kids to do this at home have quite clearly stated they know they aren't allowed to do it in public?

How do you know though? Unless child is absolutely horrendous school or clubs won’t tell you yet they might have needed to remind your child several times. It’s usually apparent who is an expected to sit nicely and eat child.

YANBU unreasonable OP about the getting up and wandering around. It’s ok to insist on your own rules. He’ll learn that granny’s house has detain expectations and that’s fine. It would be better if he was taught better table manners.

Agree.

With our oldest, he does sit there but if noise levels raise too quickly or become too much and he gets upset, I take him out of the restaurant and we walk around until DH lets us know the food is ready and once there is food, it will distract him for a bit. If it happens again, DH will take him out while I finish eating.

I always used to say (when I had children) that you didn't get pudding if you hadn't eaten at least some of the main course and, once you'd got down from the table, that was it and you had to wait until the next meal

Well why didn't you say that then?

Is this post for real?

Some of the old style rules around eating have changed because they encourage disordered eating. Eg withholding pudding which is seen as a ‘treat’. If you’re going to serve a pudding make sure it has some sort of nutritional value and is part of the meal. Pushing people to eat amounts and foods they don’t like. Perhaps he’s kneeling because it’s more comfortable or he likes being a bit higher up at the table?
what is the primary purpose of meals? Surely it’s for a kid to
receive the nutrition they need? Subsidiary to that is the social aspect. So yes would be good to work on getting him to sit with the family. Have you tried involving him in conversation? Or starting with a quiet activity at the table? Involving him in food choices and cooking? You have to ask yourself why you find this so irritating, it’s good to reappraise how we were brought up because it wasn’t all good!

The "old style rules" did not result in disordered eating, constant snacking, ready meals or obesity.

HTH

That sounds terrible. I would not be at all happy with that. The gulf between three and eleven is vast.

It's not just bullying, but it could happen.

Principally children of 11 should not be responsible for taking care of children of three or six either in their own family or not. It is not fair to either of them. They are children.

Children are the responsibility of adults whether parents or teachers. You don't farm them out.

Consistency is the key to successful parenting. The same rules should apply everywhere.

Haven't RTFT. My kids are 5 and 3, they'll sit very nicely for a meal in a restaurant, without screens and often without colouring or any other toys.

The rules are relaxed in granny's house, not stricter. Granny's house is for fun and cuddles and baking - not rules or battles.

I don't love when my DC get down and wander at home but often don't police it as dinner comes at the end of the day when they're tired and they've already sat for two meals at nursery. If they've had a long trip to granny's or were in need of a run around outside I'd be less strict that day.

Finally, they aren't allowed dessert without eating a decent amount of their main but they don't need to finish everything. I wouldn't police this in granny's house, we're there for a nice time so they can have the cake granny made them regardless. Fruit and yoghurt are offered in our house if they don't like their meal so I don't see that as dessert and certainly wouldn't be restricting access.

In short - why on earth would you try make a battle out of mealtimes when you're all together. Just relax and enjoy each others' company.

My kids are prone to the odd wander at tea time when we are at home. They aren’t that interested in food, will take a few bites and wander off.

However, they are brilliantly behaved in restaurants, other houses (including grandparents), at school etc. I get lots comments on their manners, especially my 9 year old. They don’t have screens at the table (ever) and they certainly don’t get up and wander around.

I don’t want to turn meals into a battle ground (like it feels everything else is sometimes!) so if they are well behaved at school and in restaurants/other peoples houses then I’m quite relaxed about what they do at home 🤷🏻‍♀️ they’re at home. They can relax.

Being at your grandparents is meant to be fun. Unclench a little.

Oh don’t be ludicrous.

It sounds lovely. Year 6’s thrive on the responsibility and the littlees learn the big kids are friendly. It’s not Lord of the Flies.

Brace yourself have ever heard of prefects…

I agree with this. As people upthread have said there are numerous benefits to families sitting round a table and eating and talking together. And I don't think it does children any favours to have no boundaries when they're growing up, some gentle structure benefits them even when young. School is structured, many many jobs are structured, so having complete free reign at home just sets them up to struggle with the way things operate when they go to school / go out into the world.

I don't mean children should have to sit for hours round the dining table and be bored witless, but 6 is old enough to sit at the table for a period long enough to eat a sensible amount of the meal and once you get down you're done.

I do remember when I was little (ok so I'm early 40s so quite a long time ago) at Grandmother's house we had to say when we had finished eating 'thank you for my nice meal, please may I leave the table'. Sure my grandmother was a little old fashioned compared to my mum and I didn't have to say that at home, but there was absolutely no issue with Grandmother's house, grandmother's rules, and I think it was nice to acknowledge that someone had cooked a meal for us.

I'm shocked. I didn't know children would get up after a few bites and wander off?. Maybe they're not enjoying the food. Even so, to me this is basic level of respect for parents who have cooked a meal. I wouldn't allow it and I'm not even strict. My children have always loved their dinners and not allowed to snack so always hungry by dinner time.

Shocked. Lol.

Our children have always eaten at the table with us, and are expected to sit properly and not wander round when they’re eating. That’s both at our home and elsewhere.
However- I do not believe in withholding desert or making it conditional on eating the main course. That suggests that the main course is a chore to be endured, and and the desert is a “better” M, more “special” food, which I don’t think is healthy. I always give them whatever I was intending to for desert regardless of how much they’ve eaten up to that point. That said, pudding is mostly fruit in our house bar once or twice a week, or special occasions.