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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No need to go to any trouble, we are just passing through

118 replies

LongIstood78 · 04/08/2023 10:54

We live on a working mainly agricultural farm within a rural area where friends like to stop off en route to another holiday destination.

AIBU to think the scenario in thread title is actually far more bother than someone who says specifically “We will be arriving on x date, at y o’clock, we will be stopping for coffee and lunch if that’s ok with you and then we will leaving at around 4.30 pm” ?

But recently we’ve had so many vague “we are touring in the area over the next fortnight, can we drop by, please don’t go to any trouble, we will do our own thing” but in reality you can’t do anything to prepare until you have a specific date and time, then they descend on you at 24 hrs notice, and you can’t really say you are busy because you have agreed to the visit in principle, even though it is a normal working day for you, and this latest lot are arriving at lunch time but “don’t want food” , so what are we supposed to do, sit and eat and ignore them? If you don’t want food, then why arrive at lunch time? We can’t not prep lunch because we have a house hold of hungry people who have been working on the farm since the crack of dawn and that’s their main meal of the day.

And when they turn up we are still not clear how long they are staying so eventually have to ask them outright which is embarrassing.

I’m just venting really …but AIBU or not? This is our third vague visit like this in just under five weeks so it’s possible I am over-reacting.

Maybe I am old-fashioned but I think the younger generation in particular mistakenly think that keeping things open and flexible is good manners when actually being more honest and specific is more polite? From a host’s perspective, I need to know how many people I am catering for, on what date and time, and for what duration.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 04/08/2023 10:59

I’m the bolshy type so I would be saying “I can do you lunch on Wednesday. Come at 11.30 so we can have a bit of a chat beforehand. We go back to work at 2”.

I am a big fan of boxing people in and removing wriggle room. But that’s just me.

Original poster
LongIstood78 · 04/08/2023 11:04

Yep TheSandgroper I reckon I need to start doing exactly that.

OP posts:
FlamingoFloss · 04/08/2023 11:07

You have to manage people’s expectations and not just say yes, pop in. Say you’re working at x time and if they don’t want to have lunch tell them they have avoid that time. Job done

Moomindroll · 04/08/2023 11:09

Presumptive close best: “Great. Will be lovely to see you. Let’s say 12.30 for lunch on Thursday. Mary has to be back to work at 3 but that’ll give us time to catch up. Happy to cook, but do let me know by return if you’ve suddenly gone vegan!”

You’d think you wouldn’t need that last bit, but after having friends come for a weekend who’d forgotten to mention that they now lead a plant forward lifestyle, better safe than sorry!

Also, you can just say “I know you’re on holiday but we’ll be working, so I really do need a date and time so that we can fit everything in”

friend =someone you can be blunt with

WannaBeRecluse · 04/08/2023 11:10

I'd tell them they can check if I'm available on the day they pass through, with no promises. I don't do vague.

ObiKenobi · 04/08/2023 11:12

You tell them when to come, they don’t tell you. This is not a drop in Centre you’re working, & you can say no.

MrsMoastyToasty · 04/08/2023 11:15

How about "We are busy harvesting/treating the herd for (insert horrible sounding infestation) . Bring wellies and heavy duty gloves as you'll be expected to work. "

QuintessentiallyScottish · 04/08/2023 11:17

It's quite possible they're not wanting to tie themselves down rather than making things easier for you.

I agree with PPs, set times and dates to suit you. I would imagine this is one of the busiest times of year for you, they need to respect that. And if you don't want to see them you've suddenly got a cow and are calving 😉

Maddy70 · 04/08/2023 11:18

TheSandgroper · 04/08/2023 10:59

I’m the bolshy type so I would be saying “I can do you lunch on Wednesday. Come at 11.30 so we can have a bit of a chat beforehand. We go back to work at 2”.

I am a big fan of boxing people in and removing wriggle room. But that’s just me.

This exactly

AlisonDonut · 04/08/2023 11:20

we are touring in the area over the next fortnight, can we drop by, please don’t go to any trouble, we will do our own thing

'Ok just be aware that we can't do anything between 12 and 2, so if you come outside those times we will be in one of the fields.'

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 04/08/2023 11:21

Nope, I wouldn’t allow this. You aren’t a visitor centre. When they say they’ll be in the area, tell them the days and times that work for you. Don’t give them the impression that the door will swing open in warm welcome whenever they decide to turn up on the doorstep.

I’m astounded that anyone at all thinks that this is ok - to me it’s common sense that if you give someone a window of days then just turn up at any point within that window someone could be on a zoom call / having sex / in the shower / having other guests round / about to head out to the shop, yet this AIBU comes up so often. Are we really expected to clear our entire diaries and sit waiting so we are free for these CFs when they do decide that the time suits them to ‘pass through’?

Giveover80 · 04/08/2023 11:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

phoenixrosehere · 04/08/2023 11:31

Maybe I am old-fashioned but I think the younger generation in particular mistakenly think that keeping things open and flexible is good manners when actually being more honest and specific is more polite? From a host’s perspective, I need to know how many people I am catering for, on what date and time, and for what duration.

IME, it’s been those 40+ who are quite vague and it annoys me when people give me a day but not a time and wait til the day and last minute to give me one or give a time and then show up over 45 min + later without a text.

DH’s circle has form for this and I told him either we get a place and time and meet them somewhere (not hosting again) or he goes alone. I’m not going through the stress especially with children in tow.

Clafoutie · 04/08/2023 11:32

I could not agree with you more OP, you are not being unreasonable!

Phineyj · 04/08/2023 11:33

She said in the OP.

Three lots in five weeks.

I've had to train my inlaws not to do this. I don't mind being a bit flexible but I don't want people staying over on work nights unless it's essential and we don't routinely have loads of spare food to just knock up two extra lunches if they arrive unexpectedly at lunch time.

They live over the road from a supermarket, are retired and have a fridge and freezer constantly jammed full!

SadieOlsen · 04/08/2023 11:34

Are your prospective visitors really that thick? No-one's got time for that - you're farmers! I would just tell them - we can't arrange to be around for you as we are farmers and busy. Spell it out If you want to meet them, meet them at the pub or something at a particular time, not at your house.

WaltzingWaters · 04/08/2023 11:36

Definitely set a time when they say they’ll be in the area.
Something like - “great, I’m free x or x, let me know which works best for you”.

Denimdreams · 04/08/2023 11:43

Just be firm
" No we can't do drop ins as we are working and it's very busy and weather dependent.

I can do lunch on xyz date and time or we will have to give it a miss this time.

Original poster
LongIstood78 · 04/08/2023 11:43

Now I like that MrsMoastyToasty could actually offer far worse jobs 😃😃

Thank you for all of your helpful suggestions. Agree with you all that a more assertive approach is called for.

The trouble with the pinning down thing though - is that in all but one case, we initially had a very vague conversation about a fortnight or so in advance about them passing through the area saying they might drop by; two of these convos were with my dh so I heard about them second hand. So I wasn’t in a position then to go in to specifics.

But then of course the next conversation after that is “well you know we are in the area, we will be dropping by tomorrow afternoon” ( or next day if you are lucky) and it’s all a fait accompli. Really gets my goat - mainly because I wouldn’t dream of doing this if I was the visitor and someone else was the host … but I am out of touch maybe with modern etiquette?

OP posts:
Original poster
LongIstood78 · 04/08/2023 11:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

We have had three what I call “vague visits” in just under five weeks where the people weren’t clear about their plans and two more planned ones from extended family.

One of the “vague visits” had their own motor home.

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 04/08/2023 11:49

TheSandgroper · 04/08/2023 10:59

I’m the bolshy type so I would be saying “I can do you lunch on Wednesday. Come at 11.30 so we can have a bit of a chat beforehand. We go back to work at 2”.

I am a big fan of boxing people in and removing wriggle room. But that’s just me.

This. Noone gets to dictate when they will visit, what for or for how long

Original poster
LongIstood78 · 04/08/2023 11:51

phoenixrosehere · 04/08/2023 11:31

Maybe I am old-fashioned but I think the younger generation in particular mistakenly think that keeping things open and flexible is good manners when actually being more honest and specific is more polite? From a host’s perspective, I need to know how many people I am catering for, on what date and time, and for what duration.

IME, it’s been those 40+ who are quite vague and it annoys me when people give me a day but not a time and wait til the day and last minute to give me one or give a time and then show up over 45 min + later without a text.

DH’s circle has form for this and I told him either we get a place and time and meet them somewhere (not hosting again) or he goes alone. I’m not going through the stress especially with children in tow.

Yes you are right! It is the 40 + generation but to me that is “younger” 😀😂

OP posts:
Original poster
LongIstood78 · 04/08/2023 11:53

Joystir59 · 04/08/2023 11:49

This. Noone gets to dictate when they will visit, what for or for how long

Show quote history

If only that were the case in reality.

I am admittedly very poor at asserting myself in a casual breezy way. And am never on the ball fast enough and think of what I should have said long afterwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
LongIstood78 · 04/08/2023 11:56

Denimdreams · 04/08/2023 11:43

Just be firm
" No we can't do drop ins as we are working and it's very busy and weather dependent.

I can do lunch on xyz date and time or we will have to give it a miss this time.

I am going to rehearse that line thank you Denimdreams

OP posts:
LakieLady · 04/08/2023 11:56

I'd tell them you're very busy and suggest a time/day that suits you.

It's very rude to be so vague, imo. It comes across to me as though they expect you to accommodate them regardless of it being inconvenient.

I'm one of those who sometimes ignores people at the door if I'm busy or just feeling anti-social.