No need to go to any trouble, we are just passing through

[LongIstood78]

We live on a working mainly agricultural farm within a rural area where friends like to stop off en route to another holiday destination.

AIBU to think the scenario in thread title is actually far more bother than someone who says specifically “We will be arriving on x date, at y o’clock, we will be stopping for coffee and lunch if that’s ok with you and then we will leaving at around 4.30 pm” ?

But recently we’ve had so many vague “we are touring in the area over the next fortnight, can we drop by, please don’t go to any trouble, we will do our own thing” but in reality you can’t do anything to prepare until you have a specific date and time, then they descend on you at 24 hrs notice, and you can’t really say you are busy because you have agreed to the visit in principle, even though it is a normal working day for you, and this latest lot are arriving at lunch time but “don’t want food” , so what are we supposed to do, sit and eat and ignore them? If you don’t want food, then why arrive at lunch time? We can’t not prep lunch because we have a house hold of hungry people who have been working on the farm since the crack of dawn and that’s their main meal of the day.

And when they turn up we are still not clear how long they are staying so eventually have to ask them outright which is embarrassing.

I’m just venting really …but AIBU or not? This is our third vague visit like this in just under five weeks so it’s possible I am over-reacting.

Maybe I am old-fashioned but I think the younger generation in particular mistakenly think that keeping things open and flexible is good manners when actually being more honest and specific is more polite? From a host’s perspective, I need to know how many people I am catering for, on what date and time, and for what duration.

As everyone else has said, be very specific with what you can accommodate. Even for vague 'We're in the area, we might drop in tomorrow' respond with I can do x till x but do let me know you are coming for sure otherwise I will keep working. And if they say they don't want food at lunchtime just reply ' that's fine but we will be eating'. I'm sure they think that by being vague and non committal they are not putting out out but I agree that it has the opposite effect.

We have friends who like to stop off for a visit on a longer journey they do. It annoys me because they are always hours late due to traffic l and it takes over our entire day. Before they come I clean and tidy and shop for food. Once here they eat loads of food, the kids make loads of mess, get all the toys out and then they leave. Whilst it's nice to see them it's also clear they are just using us as a pitstop. They don't even turn up with any contribution like a bottle of wine or something. I lied and said we were busy the most recent time they asked.

You sound great OP, and I envy your lifestyle. Is it ok if I stop by next month? 😄

I think, in the case where DH has vaguely agreed to something when you weren't present then it would be totally reasonable and maybe satisfy your people pleasing tendencies ki have them too!) for you to text something like

Hey Marjorie, Dave said you're going to be popping in next month on your way to Timbuktu, that's great, it'll be lovely to see you! We're likely to be up to our eyes in de-worming and castrating (or something else non rural idyll sounding) between the 9th and the 15th, but if you're about on the 12th or 13th for lunch we're free between 12 and 2, if either of those works for you?

Haha this I like... but I would add 'long armed heavy duty gloves...' that'll put the wind up them! 😂

This isn't modern etiquette OP, they're just being incredibly cheeky expecting you to to host them whenever they want because it's convenient for them. You allow them to do it so they think it's fine. They wouldn't do this to a family in an urban area who go out to work.

Your family should know better, but a lot of people don't get that a working farm isn't just a country house with some land and animals that somehow look after themselves, while the owners sit looking at the nice view. Portrayals on TV and in the movies hasn't helped with this image, neither has conversion of farms into holiday homes and activity centres. People go to stay at a "farm" consisting of holiday cottages, where the owner has a sheepdog and some chickens. That's a farm to some people!

"But then of course the next conversation after that is “well you know we are in the area, we will be dropping by tomorrow afternoon"

This is the point at which you say "sorry, that time doesn't suit us. We can do X time on X day though."

Or, "sorry that time doesn't suit us. Sorry it hasn't worked out this time".

You just need to be kind but assertive:
it’s great you’re coming, will love to see you, unfortunately it’s (insert name of job) season, and we’re busy most of all the day - but if you let me know when your plans are more defined we can try to have you over for (insert suitable time/meal)
You can even add days that suit you best there
and if they want to “pop by” with short notice and you’re busy, just say a nice, sorry would really love to see you but we’re in the middle of “x” - and either suggest a better time or just say “rain check”

YADNBU. Excruciatingly irritating!
I’ve quit arranging meet ups with particular family members due to this nonsense. I tried for years to box them in.

I tried:
• just preparing a tray of sandwiches that they could take or leave (they left)
• I tried leaving a roast dinner for DH to prep and I turned up half an hour into their visit
•I tried asking verbally when they arrived and they wouldn’t even reply
•I tried just not offering any food and they made their own food in my kitchen while huffing and puffing!
•I tried making soup and one of these family members stayed asleep throughout lunch time and when coming downstairs to find us all eating at the table, got upset and said we hadn’t made any for them (we had loads in the saucepan).
•We even booked restaurants to avoid their strangeness around plans and somehow that was also awkward.

One time we all ate a big dinner at a local fete before coming home and they wanted food at 9 at night when we gotback to our house, so I just said there’s loads in the fridge- help yourself. They then criticised our microwave because it had a long forgotten mug in it with something gross (my baby was a newborn at the time and I’d spent all of my waking hours the week before they arrived cleaning the house and making beds so I wasn’t really in the mood for their criticism)

Literally nothing worked!

I just can’t do the go-with-the-flow thing when I’m so busy and have a young child to deal with. It’s basically disrespectful to expect people to wait around.
covid taught me that you don’t actually need to ever host or ever have any visitors.

I think that is extremely rude, I would be saying no to the lot of them.

I feel your pain
not keen on people who are vague as I end up hanging around waiting for them - I decided a while ago not to co operate so now tell them to be more specific or at least message me on day with eta and if I’m out or busy - tough

YANBU!
Even if you are not farmers I have never known anybody to just be sitting around, doing nothing/something they can just drop at a moment's notice when someone pops in. Drives me nuts

This wouldn't annoy me, but I don't work on a farm!

I think as it does, you need to be more specific with them. Tie them down to a day weeks before and be proactive in setting a time.

Just say something like "sorry but drop-ins just don't work for us, particularly at this time of the year when we are so busy in the fields. I'm going to have to ask you to pin it down to a specific couple of hours or we will have to just leave it this time. We are so busy we don't even have time to go to the loo sometimes!"

My DP's family are prone to this. And always surprised when it turns out we have other plans. My family go to great lengths to coordinate on dates and details of visits so I find it totally alien. I don't think it's generational, just inconsiderate and unempathetic - they can't put themselves in your shoes, like small children.

Are they staying over or popping in for the day? Are they using your house to break up a journey so the travelling isn't as long or is it to genuinely see you?

I love the responses of the other posters. Definitely get a line in your head ready for the next call.

You really need to tell them your very busy so you need a specific date and time but if it's not convenient then tell them. I like the idea of you telling them when's convenient. You could say I'd be happy to see you but I'll need to call/text you back later with a date/time that is convenient.

Say you need a lot of notice and timings cos you're a working farm - we'd hate to not see be able to spend done time with you over tea/lunch/coffee.

Wtf is wrong with people that they don't get farmers have pretty much nil time off during the day 7 days a week abdvoften work unto the evenings too!

Imo many people have little idea that self employed people work all hours!

I think you will have to say that this is one of the busiest times of the year and you aren't available to host people without it being prearranged first. Take charge of the situation. Ask them what day they are thinking of. If it doesn't suit you, tell them. If it does suit, ask them what time they will arrive. If they mumble they aren't sure, again take charge and inform them that you will be there from 1-3pm and after that you will be working. If they arrive late e.g. 2.30pm then say what a shame it is that you are up to your eyes and can't do more than offer them a quick coffee and biscuits, as you have to do something/help someone at 3pm.

I know it goes against the grain (pardon the pun) as you sound like a very sociable person to have so many friends calling to you but please let people know.

"Oh no that's the day I have to give my dairy herd their rectal examinations for mad cow disease, but that's fine I can easily break off to make you some dinner. Looking forward to seeing you, byee!"

Honestly OP in any other job you'd just say "Sorry I'm working that day."

It's totally fine to tell people not to pop in as you are busy and if they do that they may not see you. Give them a specific time.

Some people like/need very specific schedules (SS), others don't (D). If you are an SS and you are clearly talking to a D, then they are unlikely to know or understand your needs/wishes unless you explain them. It is totally not unreasonable to be an SS or a D, but it is unreasonable to know you are an SS and that you are talking to a D, decide not to explain what your schedule is and that you need to know a time, and then be bitter that the D hasn't realised. Also you've said these people are passing on a long journey. My guess in reality when you plan a trip even you don't know to the minute what time you actually will drive off or what the traffic will be like!

YABU to not nail down dates and to allow them to turn up as and when, when it bothers you. You are capable of speech and written communication, you just tell them you need to know when and for how long before they come.

My work sometimes takes me, at short notice, to the area where we have busy farming friends who run a dairy herd. They don't always have their mobiles on them (nothing like dropping them in the slurry tank) and anyway, reception where they live is patchy. I sometimes end up calling round without any notice at all. They're always pleased to see me in principle but sometimes they're too busy — calving, TB testing, silaging — to do more than say hello and sorry, they're too busy to stop. Usually I arrive with a cake or a Charlie Bigham meal so that if they invite me to stay they don't have to make me anything.

I think anyone who has any idea of what farming entails will understand if you greet them briefly, tell them you're in the middle of harvest or silaging or whatever and you can't stop, tell them to make themselves a cup of tea or coffee in the kitchen and then leave them to it. And if they give you any warning at all that they're coming, tell them to bring lunch with them. If they turn up on a busy working day without notice it's ridiculous of them to expect you to provide lunch.

We live just off a main route to a ferry port that people use at this time of year. Every couple of weeks over the summer we're asked if we'll put people up overnight, or offer a meal and a stop-off for those who've driven for hours to get to the ferry. It can get pretty wearing, being treated as a free alternative to a Premier Inn.

I take this approach too. On a working farm you won't have time not too.

If you live on a farm you work on a farm. That’s my memory from my teenage years anyway, there were always animals to be fed, cleaned out, machinery mending, deliveries arriving etc.. It’s like someone saying they’ll call in to visit you at work but don’t bother with them they’ll “ do their own thing” in your workplace.

Not a farmer but we used to live in the lake district in a popular tourist area.
Friends and family saw our home as a stopping off place to spend the night whilst visiting the area, and if they did us any favours would suggest using our place as a holiday pad in the summer, especially if we were going away.

No amount of boundary setting worked, we had to resort to lying. It worked. It doesn't feel good but we were left with no choice. We had people dropping by to spend the night 'just passing through' so often, and we only had a 1 bedroom apartment at the time!