No need to go to any trouble, we are just passing through

[LongIstood78]

We live on a working mainly agricultural farm within a rural area where friends like to stop off en route to another holiday destination.

AIBU to think the scenario in thread title is actually far more bother than someone who says specifically “We will be arriving on x date, at y o’clock, we will be stopping for coffee and lunch if that’s ok with you and then we will leaving at around 4.30 pm” ?

But recently we’ve had so many vague “we are touring in the area over the next fortnight, can we drop by, please don’t go to any trouble, we will do our own thing” but in reality you can’t do anything to prepare until you have a specific date and time, then they descend on you at 24 hrs notice, and you can’t really say you are busy because you have agreed to the visit in principle, even though it is a normal working day for you, and this latest lot are arriving at lunch time but “don’t want food” , so what are we supposed to do, sit and eat and ignore them? If you don’t want food, then why arrive at lunch time? We can’t not prep lunch because we have a house hold of hungry people who have been working on the farm since the crack of dawn and that’s their main meal of the day.

And when they turn up we are still not clear how long they are staying so eventually have to ask them outright which is embarrassing.

I’m just venting really …but AIBU or not? This is our third vague visit like this in just under five weeks so it’s possible I am over-reacting.

Maybe I am old-fashioned but I think the younger generation in particular mistakenly think that keeping things open and flexible is good manners when actually being more honest and specific is more polite? From a host’s perspective, I need to know how many people I am catering for, on what date and time, and for what duration.

I’m adopting your approach. Thank you!

Idk, perhaps it's a weird way of letting you know they'll be around, but leaving the ball in your court to decide if that's ok and when as opposed to them threatening to stop by at any given moment? A lot of my younger colleagues would definitely say something of the sort as to them it might seem overly rigid and inflexible to set a date in stone. Its actually fairly common for them to make plans and then cancel at short notice without it being a huge deal. Perhaps it's because having less commitments means such events dont need to be meticulously coordinated and can be blithely rescheduled at the drop of a hat? I recognise this wouldn't be everyone's experience, but its definitely something I've observed.

I'd say something along the lines of:

"It would be good to see you. However, because of work commitments and the fact that we are out and about a lot, please can you let us know in advance when you will be here"

If you had a less flexible job, like most people, you wouldn't be able to accommodate this- you'd have to book a day off at least a few days in advance. So don't feel bad about treating visits as if this was required for your work too.

This is exactly the way to do it. Take control, don't let people fuck about. You're happy to see them but not being derailed by it.

I live in a tourist area that is very popular in the summer. Aside from all the people who never contact us until about April and then hint heavily to stay and use our place 'as a base' there are also a large cohort who say they will be in the area and will drop in. I am a people pleaser and have a history of acquiescing and then sitting around at home getting annoyed because I like- have an actual life as well.

It's only been the past year or so I have also taken control and insisted on times. If someone is vague I will say that we are in and out whatever day it they are 'around' so need a schedule. That, however, did not work on a repeat offender who when i pushed to pin a time down got a 'around lunchtime' and nothing more than that so i was not even sure if we were expected to provide lunch. This is a DH family member so he got in supplies just in case and sat around at home occasionally texting them for an ETA.

Finally we got a call around 2 pm saying they'd just finished lunch in our local pub and would 'pop by for coffee'.

So I am going to be even more forceful about pinning people down. Even the serially reluctant. People forget that this might be their holiday but it's our life and we have things on- swimming lessons; GP appointments; work ffs we are not just sitting around waiting for them.

OP you have the perfect excuse- if you are a working agricultural farm it is reasonable to say that you need specific times and dates because of the daily routine and slog of a working farm. Most people - even if they have not thought about it before- should be able to understand that I would hope.

We have similar (although we don't farm). I'm just very straight with people these days: "of course, we'd love to see you! How about X or Y time on A or B day?" Nearly always people will commit to one of those two times. If they don't, then I say "well, it's always worth giving us a call and seeing if we're free, but we tend to be out and about a lot in the holidays" (or in your case "we're working every other minute of daylight!" And then 9 times out of 10 they don't call or drop in.

Honestly, if you don't tell people, then they just don't realise.

On the rare occasion you get a holiday, why not turn the tables on them. Do exactly what they do to you, back at them. Say "We'll be in the X district and we're going to swing by at some stage, hope to see you then" and see what they say.

Then take note of exactly what they say to you.

Use it against them in the future.

(note - this is not very practical information for someone who has an imminent visit, more for the longer term).

I was wondering what counted as " younger" in this context, I am 47 and would absolutely prefer times and dates. BIL aged 60, not so much.

How about

"This is a working farm not a drop in centre for anyone who just happens to be in the area"

Tell them when you are free, if it doesn’t suit so be it.

How about "We are busy harvesting/treating the herd for (insert horrible sounding infestation) . Bring wellies and heavy duty gloves as you'll be expected to work. "

I love this, with added 'your shift starts at crack of dawn o'clock'.

In reality, having guests 'helping' is usually more trouble than it's worth.

So I'd go with 'It's lovely that you're on holiday, but we're not, and this is a working farm, not a drop-in holiday centre.'

Then either 'I'll call you when we're next free' or 'The farm sits down for lunch together between X and Y. You can join us to eat. If you're even 5 minutes late, all the food will be gone. Then it's straight back to work. Let us know immediately if this is what you want to do.'

It's likely they won't want to commit, may not even tell you, and are rude enough to just roll up anyway; so you've set the groundwork to give them short shrift and back away from the friendship. If they're keepers, they'll adjust their ideas, apologise, and figure out a meet-up that's relaxing for both of you.

I don't know about whether they're so breezy both ways around. I think it's just particular types. Often on the threads where a friend always turns up late, the friend goes nuts if the OP has ever inadvertently been late. I think many of these types wouldn't like it if someone just dropped in at theirs expecting a full meal or someone cancelled them at the last minute for a night out that had been arranged.

I think this is what happens when you 'work at home, have your own business etc'
People think you're living the dream/ having a really chilled out life and they can dip out of their busy lives into your easy one for some of the calmness that must surround you! 🤪

In my case the very fact that I was being informed that somebody would be dropping by would put my back up. I like to be asked, not informed. So if somebody said that to me my automatic response would be to say what a shame, that won't be possible because (insert reason here). If they asked if they could pop by on Tuesday afternoon, I would then feel able to let them know that a) Tuesday wasn't possible but I could manage Wednesday if they were free b) Tuesday between 1 and 2 would be great and I would be happy to provide a sandwich lunch, etc. etc. But I am anti-social and don't really like visitors.

My darling sisters who live 2 hours away never seem to understand that I WORK 4 days a week, with a half hour lunch break, so I do get annoyed when I tell them my day off and they choose to come on a working day. I just give them the half hour that I have free and then go back to work!

It's an odd thing for someone to arrange because although it's your home, it's also your work. So just because you're at home, it doesn't mean you're available to be making cups of tea etc, you could be far out in the fields. It's weird how people don't think that when they're passing through. I would be telling them my working hours and the times I am available.

That would really bug me too, I like to know what I am doing and when, I would just ask, tell them it's your busiest time of year and so as to be able to see them when they are there they need to give a time. With regards to the lunch one, it sounds like your already doing lunch for alot of people, so would just do extra and serve as normal and say "are you sure you don't want to join us for lunch there's plenty to go round"

If you need them to tell you the exact day and time when they come, you need to tell them. They probably dont expect you to do a full playing a host with lunch etc, they just want to say hi while you have a different expectation. Just slot the people in if you can on the day or tell them sorry it doesnt suit today.

Maybe that's why you have to be clear when you are available and make it clear that if they come outside that time then you are likely not to be in.

If up to now you've kept up the pretense of it being fine for them to drop in unannounced and you'll drop everything for 4/5 hours and rustle up lunch then it's your own fault that's the way it goes all the time.

Who are they to you, your kids? Nieces and nephews? Just tell them that you'd like a specific time they're coming from now on as you're not as flexible in your ways or something, make a joke of it.

And if they turn up without warning after that just stop to say hi, but sorry, you've got to carry on with a, b and c because it needs doing today.

But if you do/say nothing nothing will change.

I have a real pet peeve about this type of behaviour. I think people do it to appear all laid back and chill when in fact it is a form of control. They don’t want to commit, they are keeping their options open, and so are forcing you to do the same. I have a friend that regularly does this so I just ignore her and do what I want. An example: many years ago we agreed to meet at Disneyland Paris with our kids, as we both happened to be in the area at the same time. A typical scenario would be me trying to nail down a time and meeting point and her just showing up when she felt like it. So I just said, call me when you’re here. And me and my kid just went around loads of rides without them. I would say to these people ‘we’re really busy. I would prefer a time/date and if that’s too difficult because you’re on holiday and want to relax, probably best to meet up anothwr time’

Thinking about it it doesn't sound as if they actually have any expectation of being fed ect. Perhaps they'd prefer to keep it a flying visit and genuinely wish you wouldn't make the fuss you do?

ie:
AIBU; we like to drop into Aunt Flora and Uncle Dave's to say hi on our way to a couple of times a year. We always tell them not to make a fuss and we keep the arrangement deliberately vague to avoid them making plans for a longer stop, but they always drop everything for us and cook and we feel obliged to stay all afternoon. How do i tell them we just want to say hi and chat for an hour and then go on our way?!

As a farming family, I feel your pain!
It’s not that easy to host people who randomly drop in.

Everyone who works from home gets VERY good at setting clear expectations and boundaries, whether farming or any freelancer with a home office. The assumption is that being at home equals available, and it is unrelenting unless and until you are very blunt.

I'd have thought home working during the pandemic would changed the default assumptions for the better though.