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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No need to go to any trouble, we are just passing through

118 replies

LongIstood78 · 04/08/2023 10:54

We live on a working mainly agricultural farm within a rural area where friends like to stop off en route to another holiday destination.

AIBU to think the scenario in thread title is actually far more bother than someone who says specifically “We will be arriving on x date, at y o’clock, we will be stopping for coffee and lunch if that’s ok with you and then we will leaving at around 4.30 pm” ?

But recently we’ve had so many vague “we are touring in the area over the next fortnight, can we drop by, please don’t go to any trouble, we will do our own thing” but in reality you can’t do anything to prepare until you have a specific date and time, then they descend on you at 24 hrs notice, and you can’t really say you are busy because you have agreed to the visit in principle, even though it is a normal working day for you, and this latest lot are arriving at lunch time but “don’t want food” , so what are we supposed to do, sit and eat and ignore them? If you don’t want food, then why arrive at lunch time? We can’t not prep lunch because we have a house hold of hungry people who have been working on the farm since the crack of dawn and that’s their main meal of the day.

And when they turn up we are still not clear how long they are staying so eventually have to ask them outright which is embarrassing.

I’m just venting really …but AIBU or not? This is our third vague visit like this in just under five weeks so it’s possible I am over-reacting.

Maybe I am old-fashioned but I think the younger generation in particular mistakenly think that keeping things open and flexible is good manners when actually being more honest and specific is more polite? From a host’s perspective, I need to know how many people I am catering for, on what date and time, and for what duration.

OP posts:

Original poster

LongIstood78 · 07/08/2023 15:26

I hate social dances like when someone says don't go to any trouble and someone else agrees that they won't, but then it turns out that one person did expect trouble gone to and/or the other felt they had to go to trouble. It's so inefficient. Life would go so much better if people said what they meant and meant what they said. Ok rant over

^ YY to this! ^

OP posts:

Lollypop701 · 07/08/2023 15:57

Honestly people don’t understand how relentless farming can be. They think you can dip in and out of it, but if the weather is good and you’re bring crops in it’s all hands on deck till it’s done.. you might be in the house but you’ll be cooking a bloody big dinner because is hard hungry manual work. You can sit down for a brew, the workers will be in and out (then you clean up) . Cows don’t milk themselves with the help of Disney squirrels and bluebirds Ffs!

It sounds like you’re visitors don’t want to tie themselves down, as they are on holiday… as mentioned they wouldn’t be so assumptive if you had an office job working at home. So tell them they can drop in but over summer you’ll be working a lot and they’re welcome to help but if they want uninterrupted time November is better 😂

Curtainswithpompoms · 07/08/2023 18:58

LongIstood78 · 07/08/2023 15:26

^ YY to this! ^

Same here!
I often find passivity excruciating in text messages. I want the whole plan executed within 2 max 3 exchanges.
So many of my female friends do this- hey would you all like to get together with the kids on x day?
everyone says yes then the person initiating the meet up impotently says something like I wonder what we should do?
Cue: a million suggestions and times people can/‘t do. 😵‍💫

I wish it could just be: Hi, I’m going to x park with DD at 11 on x day then going to the cafe. Do join us if you’re free, it will be lovely to see you.

That way there’s no back and forth wasting everyone’s time and energy!

VickyEadieofThigh · 08/08/2023 17:58

We sometimes stop off to see close friends (in 2 separate locations) en route to Heathrow or Southampton. We are always specific and know them well enough to say:

Can we stop off for lunch (or coffee if really pushed for time)...?
Or
Can we stay the night? We'd arrive around 4pm and leave after breakfast.

Suits everyone to be clear and if it's NOT convenient, they know we want them to say so. These friends can also invite themselves to us.

Jeannie88 · 08/08/2023 19:12

Seems like they are just being polite so a reply oh lovely, let us know in plenty of time before u drop by so we can make sure we're here and can make ourselves available..x

toxic44 · 08/08/2023 19:15

I used to accept this, 'We'll come when it suits us', thing but I don't do it any more. It's too inconvenient and time grabbing. It gives people control of your whole day or weekend. I say straight out now what time I'm free and how long they can stay. As in, 'Come at 2pm, after lunch, and we can have an hour together. I've jobs I must start at 3 o'clock.'

AcrossthePond55 · 08/08/2023 20:08

As far as DH and I are concerned, if someone says "we're just passing through" then if they 'pass through' when we're free, that's fine, and if we're not, too bad maybe next time. And that's what we tell them: "Well, give us a ring when you're in town/nearby and if we're free we'd love you to drop by". I'm not about to sit around waiting for someone who doesn't even know if they're stopping by or not.

And I'm got going to stock up on the off chance they're expecting a meal, either. I always have coffee, tea, or something stronger on hand and ready fixings for sandwiches.

It someone wants to be entertained and/or fed, they need to give you more specific plans. Otherwise it's catch as catch can.

pollymere · 08/08/2023 20:18

I give things away on FB and find people don't want to commit to a collection time or day. I've found giving people parameters helps. "Oh, Tuesday or Thursday is probably best, maybe late afternoon?" We tend to be quite busy otherwise. Or "Do let me know in advance so we can make sure we're in". It's seriously annoying that people can't do this for you though and just think you can wait in for a fortnight without popping to the shops.

noodlebugz · 08/08/2023 20:32

LeedsMum87 · 07/08/2023 13:17

I’m totally with you OP. I like to have proper plans in place. I can’t stand vagueness 😂 My husbands family are like this, they say we might pop over on a day or even a weekend but no other details. What are we supposed to do, stay in the whole time ready for them to arrive at any moment? I find it rude.

This! And that user name could be mine! How bizarre. DHs family do this as do my own. I just constantly try to pin them down and set expectations. I enjoy hosting and preparing nice food.

greenbeansnspinach · 08/08/2023 20:32

Glad you’re getting support here in this. Farming is unremitting hard work and if they don’t understand that you’ll have to spell it out to them.
I have a couple of acquaintances who live locally and from time to time drop in without notice. I find this intensely annoying too (I can’t pretend to be just going out every single time!) and there isn’t even the chance to pre empt.
As others have said, be clear and firm and tell them when you’ll be free to meet up, and if they can’t make that time it’s just unfortunate.

Duchesscheshire · 08/08/2023 20:36

I work from home and firmly.discourage popping in. I tell people to message and I will let them know if I am free. You do have to be firm and be clear on when and what is convenient for you. Good luck xx

midlifemaid · 08/08/2023 21:48

I grew up on a working farm, one which many, many friends would just visit/ call in/ descend upon with any amount of or no notice. We’d just expect them to muck in with whatever was happening that day, and they would, they’d love it and be back for more. We’d always eat together and we’d look after them but we never changed our day to suit them because that’s not an option. However I do think that these days perhaps some wouldn’t be up for it, but that’s their choice.

helpplease01 · 09/08/2023 08:47

Look….some people are fu**g clueless and thoughtless about imposing on others. Try this..

’Sorry, that doesn’t work for me/us we are full on busy right now, I’m up to my ears in (fill in blanks) Give them the time frame that suits you, then leave it. If is doesn’t, just say so! What’s the worst that can happen! Why are women so afraid to put themselves first. ? To be liked? To not be rude? Fuck that! They are being rude!!! Very imposing.

Do they actually want to see you. Or use you as a hotel. Honestly, people have no clue how running a working farm exists. It really is extremely hard all consuming work.
It’s your job to set your own boundaries!

Pigriver · 09/08/2023 17:13

Ah this seems to be a very Irish thing (DH's family) they don't even give vague instructions but turn up at random times having driven 2 hours just on the off chance you're in! And if course you need the tea, cake and sandwiches. I have memories of MIL seeing a car up the lane and shouting to 'get on the sandwiches' for their imminent arrival. All of the aunties are housewives, living on he country and don't drive so I guess they are nearly always at home!
I bloody hate it! They've turned up at ours and we've not even had the faintest idea they are in the country 🤣

BreadInCaptivity · 09/08/2023 18:38

Not on a farm but live very near a popular city destination.

As like a pp, in the spring and autumn we'd start to get "hints" of would be lovely to see you (basically as free summer or pre- Christmas accommodation).

They wouldn't specify exactly when - just a vague "in august or early December". Then we'd get a call on Thursday to saying we are coming tomorrow evening for the weekend.

Err no. We have plans.

Que - "but we told you we were coming".

No you didn't. You expected us to keep the whole of august and December free for you to make a decision at the cost of us being able to do anything.

The best one was when the reply was - well that's tricky as we are in Sicily - "ah not a worry - let us know where the spare keys are and we will sort ourself out" 😂

Again - no.

Took two years of this "game" before they finally gave up.

I simply think it just doesn't register for some people that you actually have a life outside of when they decide to grace you with their presence.

CruCru · 09/08/2023 19:27

I have a lot of houseguests. The people who are vague or say they’ll be no trouble are always much harder work than the ones who are nice and specific.

The people who are vague also really hate it when you let them know you are planning to drop in on them - they are quick to tell you it isn’t convenient because they’ll “be in and out all day”.

Newestname002 · 09/08/2023 20:15

CruCru · 09/08/2023 19:27

I have a lot of houseguests. The people who are vague or say they’ll be no trouble are always much harder work than the ones who are nice and specific.

I guess they've given you "permission" to do the same back then. 🌹

changeme4this · 10/08/2023 00:44

A post after my own heart! I have completely stopped these sorts of visits OP.

The people wanting to come by to visit the cute new little animals, or tell the OH they are coming to visit us usually involving a meal time and when farming life is at its peak and Im out in the shed milking or feeding those cute little animals.

There's never any offer of can we pick up takeaway on our way through either..

I had a huge row with OH a few months ago, someone angling to come for a visit yet not once have i ever put a foot inside their (new) home or even been invited for lunch/dinner in turn.

It quickly sorts out those who are friends and come armed dressed in their old outfits and wellies.

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