No need to go to any trouble, we are just passing through

[LongIstood78]

We live on a working mainly agricultural farm within a rural area where friends like to stop off en route to another holiday destination.

AIBU to think the scenario in thread title is actually far more bother than someone who says specifically “We will be arriving on x date, at y o’clock, we will be stopping for coffee and lunch if that’s ok with you and then we will leaving at around 4.30 pm” ?

But recently we’ve had so many vague “we are touring in the area over the next fortnight, can we drop by, please don’t go to any trouble, we will do our own thing” but in reality you can’t do anything to prepare until you have a specific date and time, then they descend on you at 24 hrs notice, and you can’t really say you are busy because you have agreed to the visit in principle, even though it is a normal working day for you, and this latest lot are arriving at lunch time but “don’t want food” , so what are we supposed to do, sit and eat and ignore them? If you don’t want food, then why arrive at lunch time? We can’t not prep lunch because we have a house hold of hungry people who have been working on the farm since the crack of dawn and that’s their main meal of the day.

And when they turn up we are still not clear how long they are staying so eventually have to ask them outright which is embarrassing.

I’m just venting really …but AIBU or not? This is our third vague visit like this in just under five weeks so it’s possible I am over-reacting.

Maybe I am old-fashioned but I think the younger generation in particular mistakenly think that keeping things open and flexible is good manners when actually being more honest and specific is more polite? From a host’s perspective, I need to know how many people I am catering for, on what date and time, and for what duration.

I'm a yabu but because I think you're unreasonable just to say yes to these people rather than being clear about what you can do. The thing that struck me most was you saying what were you supposed to do at lunchtime if they'd said they didn't want food. Yes, go ahead with your meal! It's easy for me to imagine circs where all these suggestions of telling them to come at a precise time wouldn't work for travelling visitors - with uncertainty over traffic etc they might easily pick not coming over coming at a precise time. In your place (if I did actually want to see them, otherwise "ah that won't work for us, have a lovely holiday" works too) I'd be doing something more like "It'd be great to see you but depending how busy we are when you arrive it might have to be just literally see for a few seconds at the door - if you're willing to take that chance, do, and if I can stop for twenty minutes I will. If you arrive near lunchtime bring a packed lunch - I'll provide plates". Then if I got pushback that that wasn't sounding like a long enough visit, then I'd go for the need a precise time stuff.

I hate social dances like when someone says don't go to any trouble and someone else agrees that they won't, but then it turns out that one person did expect trouble gone to and/or the other felt they had to go to trouble. It's so inefficient. Life would go so much better if people said what they meant and meant what they said. Ok rant over.

As others have said, it needs to be on your terms. It’s a working farm so them when they can come and what time is convenient for you.

This is something I’m now doing with relatives who tell me they’re in the area for the weekend but won’t commit to a time to visit and just expect us to be in - so rude!

Your issue is not just that your friends/visitors are unthinking, or that you’re not firm enough, your issue is that you live on a farm. People don’t understand what you do therefore in their heads you just roll around a big farm all day and seem to do things at will and so can stop/start your chores whenever you fancy.

its the same with people who run shops/restaurants/live in pubs. Probably same with mechanics. especially public facing work people think they can just rock up to see you. And are then confused and irritated that you have to leave them to…you know…work.

You have to start every convo with friends who may do this like “yes I’m good thank you, although you know what farm work’s like…up at 5, [insert extreme detail of every single hard manual activity you have to do] and I love it but it makes finding time to do anything like just pop to the shops such a pain!”

then they start to realise what you actually do.

Just tell them ‘it’s really hit and miss at this time of year during working hours which are xam-ypm we could be out in the fields just depends on weather and animals. Best time to come if possible is xx:xx and assuming there’s no unexpected crisis we’d be able to have a coffee break for an hour!’. Think of it as you being helpful to them. Most of them won’t want to rock up right as your knee deep in mud. You’re helping them make the most of their visit.

YANBU

Just say that to them - "oh fabulous, really looking forward to seeing you. Please let us know a couple of days before if possible, so we can prepare lunch for you".

I have voted YABU because you are not putting in boundaries, it seems like you are letting this happen to you.

Tell them a time slot as otherwise you'll be at work.
Tell them to bring biscuits or dessert. Or a bring a packed lunch if you won't have time to do any prep. You're a farmer, everyone knows you will be busy - if they don't, tell them.

The point is, it seems that this happens frequently to you due to your location yet you haven't put any guard rails in place and seeming rather passive about it all.

What a time for people to be dropping in on a working farm! Just tell them it’s a busy time of year and you can give them a cuppa then see them on their way, but if they’d like something to eat or longer, they need to arrange with you in advance.

"We would love to see you, but need to know well in advance when you want to visit as this is a very busy time for us. If you are flexible, then come for tea on Thursday."

I agree with you and it is terribly annoying but to everyone saying "but you are working" it is just as annoying if you are retired. I might want to go out shopping, I might want to go down to the local beach as it is a lovely day. I might love the idea of people visiting but if it means I'm tied to the house for two weeks while they are on holiday it is a pain in the backside.

YANBU. We live in an area where people like to go on holiday, and we have a self catering guest annex (big mistake). We have a few friends every year saying they would like to come visit us, ostensibly to ‘catch up’, but we all know they really just want a free holiday. I don’t mind if they’re up front about their plans and are clear about when they are hoping to arrive and leave. The absolute worst is when they say they don’t want to be any trouble and will fend for themselves, but they don’t actually mean that. It transpires once they arrive that they are assuming you will cook their meals, that your kids will entertain their kids, and that they expect you to tell them what’s on ‘the agenda’ … And of course, you have a full schedule and no extra food in the main house for guests because they said they were going to do their own thing, so you have to scramble at the last minute.

Having been burned a few times by guests like this, I’ve had to get over my ideas of ‘polite’ hospitality and am now pretty honest with guests about what I am offering.

“Nice to hear from you! Would be great to
see you if you are in the area. The guest space is free, and you are welcome to use it, but we have a busy week that week, so we won’t have bandwidth to host. As long as you are happy to cook for and entertain yourselves, we’d be happy to have you. Just let me know what day and roughly what time you are planning to arrive so I can make sure the beds are ready. Maybe we can catch up over a glass of wine one evening after the kids have gone to bed.”

It sounds like they genuinely don't expect you to host - so don't. If they turn up and you are out in the fields, such a pity! Or you might be able to have a quick chat whilst you are doing x + y, but maybe not. Some people prefer not to plan and be boxed in but that also comes with the expectation that it might not be convenient for you. I really wouldn't worry about it, carry on as you are and that will speak for itself. It also might prompt them to rearrange properly next time!

Sounds like because you don’t have traditional ’jobs’ they’re treating you like you’re swanning about all day waiting for them to grace them with your presence.

If you had an office job or a computer based work from home job they wouldn’t expect to just be able to wander in in the middle of the working day!

I was going to say that imhe this comes from blokes. Blokes who aren’t doing the emotional labour of thinking about “do I need some food in, do I need to prepare a meal, what time will they arrive and will it clash with x or y”
that’s the stuff they don’t care to do, and therefore don’t even sodding think about,
becuase you will act like a magic fairy or elf and appear with biscuit, sandwiches or even be in.

sorry, rant over,

Had a lucky escape yesterday.
A distant 'friend' who I haven't seen or spoken to in more than 13 years popped by my house unannounced yesterday.
Luckily, I was out all day, so I dodged a bullet (she put a note through my front door).
I'm not keen on popper inners.

You need to stop agreeing to wishy washy plans.
Just because people can phone from a mobile minutes before hand doesn't mean that is the polite option.

Ask for a couple of days notice incase their plans don't suit.
Once they do let you know - actually assess whether it suits and make firm arrangements that suit you or insist that they will have to give you a miss this time.

YANBU but you need to be clearer and more assertive with your boundaries. My family would often say they could "pop in for a cuppa" and not to worry about food when in actual fact they'd turn up at mealtimes and ask for "a snack" and I'd end up catering for them and by then end of the day feel like I'd been working in a restaurant without pay! Never any reciprocation.

I know try to meet them at a mutually convenient location that has food and/or bring a picnic.

Perfect

Yes, just carry on as you normally would unless they give you advance notice.

Different scenario @LongIstood78 but I went through this with teenage stepchildren and meals, staying etc. I spent a long time worrying about what they might need and trying to preplan and shop ahead of time. Eventually I took the attitude "f * it" if they don't let me know and there is nothing in then too bad. Prioritise yourself.

Be upfront and tel people it's not convenient,

@Dragonwindow this is a good approach

I’m totally with you OP. I like to have proper plans in place. I can’t stand vagueness 😂 My husbands family are like this, they say we might pop over on a day or even a weekend but no other details. What are we supposed to do, stay in the whole time ready for them to arrive at any moment? I find it rude.

Yes - it's really difficult when people are vague. I'm always pedantic about getting people to spell out what they are expecting/requiring when they contact me to ask to 'drop in'. I don't mean I'm blunt - I just say something like 'Oh great - so we see you for coffee then. Are you rushing off before lunch?' It might be a pain but at least you know what's what.

In fact, you've just made me realise what a pedant I am in all areas of my social life - I just think you avoid problems if you communicate your expectations either as a guest or a host.

It’s funny as they are trying not to be a bother, but really bothering you!

id say ‘ oh that’s exciting. How about we say Tuesday at 6, I’ll BBQ’ or ‘if you want to have a flexible day I’ll make brunch on Monday, then you can continue on with exploring the area by noon’

ive been in the travel destination and I’ve been the person driving through. Often as the person driving through you would like to see family, but it’s ready busy and crunched to get all the attractions in. An offer to do one with them is nice. Nothing expensive, just like a waterfall hike or something, ‘insider secret’.

This is the issue in a nutshell Leedsmum87 and BrightGreenMoonBuggy. Until you have a date you can’t really prepare! And a vague window just means I get a bit stressed wondering how close by they are!

Yes artishard I think you are right! That’s a very good description of how social habits have changed I think over the years. But unless guests state their intentions it’s difficult to respond positively or negatively! And I don’t like being put in the position of having to dig!

I understand that people don’t want to be boxed in but that needs to come with an equivalent understanding that we may be busy.

And how it seems to go in reality is that many people nowadays don’t want to be tied down BUT they also want us to be free which obviously isn’t practical on a working farm. And as with this last visit, even when we think we may be free, we suddenly have to change plans because of the weather.

Anyway I finally have had a moment to read all of these very helpful replies.

Anyway, thank you everyone for all of these very useful strategies which I have taken on board.

Moral of the story is be assertive from the very outset and not when they are already in the next village. Agree with CoffeeCantata that communication is key and I like Dragonwindow’s tactic!

Hopefully, once I start practicing I can make it sound breezy and welcoming but also convey boundaries! 😀

Last set of friends passed through and were actually very easy guests. The weather played its part because owing to heavy rain everyone had to get stuck in and we had no choice but to work through most of their visit.

However for the future dh and I have agreed that we will be confining visits to 10 days per month in the summer months - our busiest period - and that way we can maintain a bit more control over who can stay and how long. It also makes it easier responding to an initial enquiry on the phone when it’s already marked out on the calendar. So thank you for helping us form a proper strategy.

Appleofmyeye2023 that’s an interesting theory and quite likely I think! A lot of the couples are newly retired and enjoying new found freedoms and are in “holiday” mindset. They get a bit of a shock when they arrive here! 😃

TheJRTwontLetMeBe 😃😃

I prefer to be honest, and let’s face it, it’s pretty obvious if we are home or not most of the time, but I may have to resort to lying if nothing else works Laiku I guess we’ll find out soon ….