Splitting the bill - ended up paying 3x my consumption

[Jyas]

Not an AIBU but more a WWYD…I’m in a hobby group and about every 2-3 months we treat ourselves to a nice dinner. There’s usually 8-10 of us and we always split the bill. It’s normally around £50 per person. This week we went to a restaurant which was more on the upper end of what we usually go for. Mains were £25 - £45. We all chose our food, but when ordering, the waiter managed to talk 3 of us into trying ‘the chefs special’. This was a rather elaborate and unusual dish, he didn’t mention the price but I would have thought it would be between £55-£60 at least from the description. When the bill came, they realised that it was over £90. The 3 offered to take one bottle of wine out of the total and share it between them to make up for their expensive dish.
In the end we paid £110 each and they paid £125 each. However, my main was £25 and plus drinks (i only had one water and one glass of wine from the shared bottle, others had much more to drink, and most had a starter but i didn’t). I would have paid around £40. So I ended up paying 3x as much.

We all really don’t mind if we pay a bit more than we consumed and we regularly go out eating together so things balance itself out. I was aware that the bill would be split and I was happy to do as usual (before knowing what their dish costed) so I couldn’t really say anything and I just paid, but I feel that £40 compared to £110 was just too big a difference on that occasion.
Would you have said anything, even tough everyone knew in advance that the bill would be split?

I think you need to act a bit dumb in how much the more expensive meals were and send a message along the lines of "hey guys, lovely meal last night, but just wondered if anyone has a copy of the bill so we can check we haven't been overcharged? I've been trying to remember the cost of mine, and it was around £30 + price of a glass of wine and a tip, so £40, £50 at a push, but I've checked, and I've paid £110?! Surely that can't be right? I know x y & z paid a bit more to cover one of the bottles of wine too, meaning the bill must have been around £700, which seems way too much?" Hopefully someone else will pipe up about the £90 mains, and either someone will realise how unfair the split has been and, the overspenders will offer to subsidise you and the others who paid way too much, or if not, you will have the opportunity to say, "going forward can we just pay for what we had, as I could have had three meals out for the cost of this one!"

I would have absolutely no issues with saying I'm not splitting. I don't mind paying a bit extra but that is completely unfair.

In that situation I just say I'm only paying X amount. No discussion needed.

I call it vegetarian tax when when I'm out with a hobby group. I can live with £10ish over but did insist on paying for my own when four of the group went for a crazy expensive (£75/head) White Park hanger steak option compared to my £22 pasta.
The others in the group looked relieved when I suggested we pay for what we had and one of the steak CF actually said he wouldn't have ordered it if he'd known!
I'm not subsidising people living it up beyond their own budget because they think others will pick up the slack.

There some massive piss taking when it comes to splitting bills. I've come across people who will go out of their way to order the most expensive item on the menu if they know the bill is being split, including ordering large glasses of wine etc. If they know it's not being split they'll be really careful about what they order.

I don't understand the notion that evenly splitting a bill is somehow more friendly/congenial. Especially when it can cause hard feelings or actual hardship.

Separate checks are a service readily provided by most restaurants. It should be the norm for groups to request them, not seen as petty or bean counting.

I think when there is a large group going out for a meal it’s easier to go for a set meal

Me: 'So it's £42 each if we include a tip"
(Susan): 'No, but you weren't drinking, so you need to pay less than the others'
(Sarah): 'And I had the steak, whereas Jane just had a salad, so I need to pay more too'
(Jane): 'No, don't worry about it, I'm happy to pay the split, but Mary should definitely pay less as she didn't have a pudding'
(Mary): 'Nah, just split the whole thing, I really don't mind'
(Susan): 'Let me at least cover the tip for everyone'

You and one of your friends featured in a documentary about this, didn't you? I'm sure I remember seeing it...

I have found that most of the time when splitting bills with good friends that it all works out in the end. One time you pasta another time you have steak. However if one person ordered something that expensive I would expect them to speak up and offer to pay it.

I would and have said something in this kind of situation.

“I’m sorry, mine only came to £40 so I can’t really justify splitting this time! I’ll just pay for mine if that’s ok.”

Do you not think it's even more tight and cringey to cheat your friends into subsidising your bill?

I also agree that it's highly unlikely to 'even out' over time, as people generally have the same options/price levels of food and drink every time. It will always be the same people winning and the same ones losing, unless the big-eaters insist on not ripping off their friends.

Thinking about this too much, I reckon that a lot of the advantage-takers don't even see it that they're doing anything wrong. Some will 'reason' that it's your 'fault' if you want to be a 'misery' and not eat and drink as much; others will settle it in their mind that they need to get 'best value' without the penny really even dropping that their 'best value' is actually at the expense of their friends subbing it.

I'm reminded of the horror tales of weddings with a free bar, where people will order full bottles of whisky to take home with them - apparently oblivious to the fact that it's their own friends paying for it all, not some big, faceless company.

I also think that some people may have an element of being so determined that they not be ripped off by eating and drinking less than the others - maybe they've been stung before - that they deliberately go overboard and thus switch 180 degrees to being the CF themselves. The problem there, though, is that it can turn into a never-ending spiral if everybody does the same.

I feel for you. I have a hobby group that meets once a month and we take turns paying for each other's coffees. Only last time we ended up at a fancy place and when it came to me paying (my turn) it was £120!. I was so shocked. Two of the others must have seen the look on my face and started pushing a tenner towards me but I paid anyway. I have been a lot more careful since.

I get that it came as a bit of a shock to everybody but, those who had so much more cannot possibly not realise that they've forced their friends into subsidising them for an unreasonable amount? It sounds like you can afford it, OP, but still you don't want to be strung again. Imagine if you'd budgeted carefully.

I mean, you'd have to be thick or not much of a friend to just expect your friends to absorb your choices. That is absolutely crass behaviour of the big-orderers not to put in more. They knew, they took the wine off.

That's not friendship in my book, friendship is where splitting the bill or paying the lot event, doesn't make you feel walked over/taken advantage of.

I would speak up at the restaurant, and have done in the past as I don't drink and don't want to subside other people's drinking. There's rarely quibbling over the bill because no-one pays in cash now. How hard is it to remember the price of your order?!

I'd let it go this time as it's done now, but not split next time.

@rumred It's so hard, isn't it? I wish it was easier / more common to pay our own share

I think this is a good idea, put the ball in their court to suggest to repay the difference. If they don’t, I would say you will have to just pay for your own in future or you won’t be able to afford it.

I am judging those three hard. Even if they didn't know the Chefs Special was going to be £90 they definitely knew it would be premium priced, and yet they ordered it anyway not caring about the subsidy they were getting from everyone else. It is no surprise that three such self centered people barely broke a sweat when the bill came in

That's it in a nutshell really. Bill-splitters who don't/won't adjust when they've had something more expensive (for the group), are the cheeky fuckers. Always.

It's a fine barometer, people know when they've been ripped off. Unfortunately, it's difficult for some to say so at the time so they quietly seethe after the event. Ripping off friends is completely inexcusable.

You should never feel awkward for wanting to pay for what you've had, that's the norm for a lot of people and, people who don't want or expect you to subsidise them, won't mind a bit that you're paying your own bill.

People who do mind will be the ones wanting to eat and drink at your expense... never mind what they think!

I NEVER split the bill because I don’t drink alcohol and don’t eat much so it would always be to my detriment if I agreed to doing that.

However, I always make it clear in advance that I’m only paying for my own food and/or a portion towards the host if it’s a special occasion type event.

Stop being so compliant. I think you’ve been conned by these group members for too long and maybe it’s time you stood up for yourself.

Sympathies, OP.

This is why I now avoid group meals out. I'm a veggie and I don't drink so, as ou can imagine, my meal would probably cost under 15 quid, but by the time all the party people have ordered a bottle of wine each, a first course and sides, I've ended up paying £60 +, which I'm afraid takes away the pleasure for me.

Sometimes I speak up for myself but I've had situations in the past where I'll say 'Ms Bloggs and I didn't have any wine, so shall we just pay for our meals?' and bloody Ms Bloggs chimes up with 'Oh no - that's fine - I don't mind!' Having screwed up my small reserves of courage to say something once, I can't find the backbone to keep insisting, so pay up.

But more to the point - I had an 'ephiphany' recently! What's the point of large groups meals out? You only get to talk to 3/4 other people anyway (unless you do that moving round thing which no-one wants to do) so I only join groups of 5 and under now. Life is MUCH better, and somewhat cheaper. The more people you only know slightly, the more likely you are to have to sub them.

Are you on a group WA? How about sending a message this morning saying something like:
'Great night out on Saturday, I really enjoyed it — except for the bill. My mortgage has increased and I'm feeling the pinch, so from now on I won't be splitting the bill when we go out together, I'll just pay for what I eat and drink. I know you'll all understand.'

You won't be the only person who's feeling sore about what happened, OP. The people who 'accidentally' ordered a £90 meal ought to have coughed up. It's shameful behaviour for heavy drinkers and people who always order three expensive courses to expect others to subsidise them. They ought to be mortified. You gave each of them a £20+ gift. Not on.

I now always say before that we should all pay for our own plus service. I did this recently and the cheapest was £19 the most expensive £60. I have noticed usually it is the heavy drinkers that always want to split the bill.

That’s Ok assuming everyone is teetotal?
Booze adds up very quickly.

Splitting the bill is fine when you're a few quid off each other's orders... if o e isthree times the price as yours they're taking the piss and getting free stuff.

Solution next time is either speak up and don't be shy, or verbally state that if they're going large, we should all go large.