Splitting the bill - ended up paying 3x my consumption

[Jyas]

Not an AIBU but more a WWYD…I’m in a hobby group and about every 2-3 months we treat ourselves to a nice dinner. There’s usually 8-10 of us and we always split the bill. It’s normally around £50 per person. This week we went to a restaurant which was more on the upper end of what we usually go for. Mains were £25 - £45. We all chose our food, but when ordering, the waiter managed to talk 3 of us into trying ‘the chefs special’. This was a rather elaborate and unusual dish, he didn’t mention the price but I would have thought it would be between £55-£60 at least from the description. When the bill came, they realised that it was over £90. The 3 offered to take one bottle of wine out of the total and share it between them to make up for their expensive dish.
In the end we paid £110 each and they paid £125 each. However, my main was £25 and plus drinks (i only had one water and one glass of wine from the shared bottle, others had much more to drink, and most had a starter but i didn’t). I would have paid around £40. So I ended up paying 3x as much.

We all really don’t mind if we pay a bit more than we consumed and we regularly go out eating together so things balance itself out. I was aware that the bill would be split and I was happy to do as usual (before knowing what their dish costed) so I couldn’t really say anything and I just paid, but I feel that £40 compared to £110 was just too big a difference on that occasion.
Would you have said anything, even tough everyone knew in advance that the bill would be split?

But there are lots of people who aren't like that. They'll order a starter, steak, dessert, cocktails, wine, coffee, etc etc and expect to split the bill with the person who had a pizza and a beer that cost a quarter of the price.

And even if the pizza and beer person ordered carefully to minimise their own cost, perhaps because that's the only money they had so could afford to come out if they stuck to a budget, a lot of people will consider them to be the mean one for wanting to pay for what they had, instead of paying a far larger amount to cover part of the cost of a more lavish meal that someone else enjoyed.

The waiter and the restaurant were cheeky for not mentioning the cost of the special (I've been stung like that some years ago to a lesser degree in a small Spanish restaurant. Most of the mains were around 10 euro but we were offered tuna as a special and we didn't realise until the bill came that it was 22 euro - if I'd have known, I'd have probably just had something else from the menu, as tuna isn't something I normally have in a restaurant as it's so quick and easy to do at home, so not worth paying restaurant prices) and so were the people who had it, they should have sucked up the cost themselves.

But unfortunately, there are quite a lot of people and businesses who will try and take advantage of others given half the chance, so you need to be aware of this and check and/or speak up so they don't get away with it.

I never split the bill for this very reason. Some people can eat extraordinarily amounts of food- I can’t and I won’t pay for their food. Of everything was pretty much even stevens then yes.

I would find it hard to walk away from that level of disparity OP. I think offering to pay for the wine is the worst bit because it doesn't actually cover the significant extra cost very much at all. However it would have been easier to say something at the time I think and very awkward to bring it up now retrospectively.

Going forward I do think you have a really good case to say that after last time you've realised that as you're not a big eater or drinker, you would rather pay for your own, maybe on group chat before you go. Then you must stick to it - no wine from a shared bottle, order your own glass, and no shared starters.

Or you make a point of troughing in - maybe skip breakfast.

Or for next outing suggest a cheaper restaurant, preferably one with a set menu, and say it's to work for all the group. I'm sure others feel a bit ripped off with paying over the odds.

Incredible amount of poor communication all round.

The waiter upsold the special and neglected to mention it was double to triple the price of every other main? That's not just underhand but unusual - most restaurants want to avoid customers feeling like they've been stung and if a special costs 90 quid that's usually something they'd make clear.

Having said that, no one in the group thought to ask how much this elaborate special dish was? Did it not cross anyone's minds? I cannot fathom this oversight at all.

As for the OP, the other reason she felt extra-stiffed is because she under-consumed in comparison to the others anyway, regardless of the special. She had no starter and only one glass of wine. She presumably knew that heading into the meal and that's when she should have said "I'm not going to have more than a starter so if you don't mind I'll pay separately".

Really don't know why some people feel awkward about not wanting to split the bill. Someone's only eating one course, someone's not drinking, someone's veg/vegan, someone's on a tight budget - there is nothing wrong with saying this. No one in my social circle would want a friend to pay more than they should and it would not be a problem at all - I have been on both sides countless times.

Refusing to communicate what you want and then seething about it afterwards is behaviour I don't have much time for, though.

Anyone else keen to know what the £90 special was?

If I was one of the people who had the expensive meal then I would have raised the issue of fairness as I would have been too embarrassed to let others pay for my fair share! What shit heads!

Spitting the bill evenly only works when people have approximately the same (within a margin) or it works out in the end after a few meals or everyone is so well off it become irrelevant.

Everyone should be given the opportunity to take theirs off the bill before it is split. Shame on those whose individual bill was so high not insisting they did this.

What we do at work meals is one of us puts the whole lot on their cc, and then after a day or two emails out what everyone owes (inc tip). The difference between the lowest individual bill and highest is always 3x. This only works, of course, because everyone in the group of (about 15) can be trusted to transfer over their part within a day or 2 without prompting. I know it sounds like a nightmare but it is incredibly easy.

I much prefer it! I will then have a cocktail if I fancy one or the most expensive thing on the menu. If we're splitting I wouldn't have a cocktail unless everyone else was and not chose the most expensive thing. There is a big mix in the department not only in terms on salary but also household income.

Just to put a slightly different perspective on it - the reason that splitting equally works is because it averages out over time - some you win, some you lose. So it may well be that the £90 special people have often paid over their share with this group previously. I think, in general, it's a bit tight to be happy to split if it favours you, but then want to pull out of the splitting when it doesn't. You have to win and lose for it to be a fair system. So either you always split or you never split - you can't jump between two systems depending on which is best for you on the day.

That said, on this occasion, the sums involved would make it difficult to swallow.

Very good idea, I think others might be pleased you raised it as well. I would leave it at 'can we sort this put please ' as the point has been made.

The bill should only be split where everyone is more or less eating/drinking the same values! In your situation I probably would have paid, but going forward I’d make it clear that I would only be paying for what I eat/drink plus a tip and I’d refer to the CF’s who unquestionably expected me to subsidise their meal last time! Actually, I would probably have a quiet word with each of them, it’s really unfair!

Fair point but in my experience people tend to have the same ordering preferences. I would never order from most expensive dishes, I just don't. I very rarely have a starter (may have pudding) and drink one glass of wine and then tap water as I drive. So if I were to find myself in a company of friends who tended to order lavishly (which is where the disparity in shares arises) splitting the bill would never "even out" for me over time and I would always be subsidising others.
I suspect it would be the case for OP too.

The above was to mrs

Just to put a slightly different perspective on it - the reason that splitting equally works is because it averages out over time - some you win, some you lose

It really doesn't a lot of the time.

Light eaters don't suddenly develop an appetite for 3 courses.

Vegetarians/vegans don't (usually) start eating meat/fish.

Tee totallers don't (usually) start drinking alcohol.

People on tight budgets may often not be able to spend more for many years.

And that last point is the biggest shitter in all this.

A person on a tight budget might be able to come if they have one of the cheaper mains and one drink. Their bill, including a tip, could be £20. They've limited what they've had, to stay on budget, and might have no more money available to add to the pot. If they spend more, they have to cut down elsewhere in order to be able to afford it.

Yet someone who's possibly had a starter (£5), a more expensive main (£20), an extra side (£5), dessert (£6), a bottle of wine (£20) and a coffee (£4) thinks it's reasonable to say, you know what, instead of you paying £20 and me paying £70, shall we just split it and pay £45 each?

Because I think you should not be able to buy a full grocery shop this week so you can treat me to this big meal I've had and I CBA to do a bit of simple adding up.

It's always fine to say you want to pay for what you had in this situation, genuinely. I might have tried the chef's special but I'd never have suggested we still split the bill.

I think splitting the bill only really works with 2 people. Any more and the waters get muddied. I still can't get over my "pal" being a CF when 4 of us were meant to be splitting. I had already used a discount code for us all to bring the overall price down. We then decided on a total each so as to include a tip so we were all paying so much each on our cards. It came to her and she just paid the remaining balance which must have been minimal 🙈🙈

Who the hell says "oh yes, that sounds amazing I will have that!" in an expensive place without checking the price?!

This ^^

My friends do this sometimes… especially one who always orders the most expensive steak on the menu etc. They all have very different financial circumstances to me so they may not even think about it.

Worst was the time when I had to leave a lunch early, I had a starter before I left and asked them to let me know what my share of the meal would be and that I’d transfer to whoever covered my part. Got told to transfer £70…!

It is annoying ,however do you sometimes have more and so it may even out? I think its difficult if this happens a lot though. Maybe broach the subject with one or two of them .Like you it would be difficult to bring up at the end of the meal I think

I’ve been in that position and OP, you just have to say mine was only £X so I can’t put in £Y.

If need be, state at the start that you’re paying your own costs separately.

Still reeling from the time I went out with a French learning class - mostly wealthy retired, I was mostly skint - and I had some pathetic baked veg as the restaurant didn’t have a vegetarian dish on the menu. My share still came to 80 quid…
I guess it seems petty “totting up pennies” when money isn’t an object but I’d budgeted for half that when I agreed to come out and that was my grocery budget for the next two weeks up in smoke.

I think this is on the £90ers to speak up. I don’t think you can backtrack and ask to just pay your share after the event.

The problem is if you’ve been out loads Witt them then sometimes you’re going to be down on money and sometimes up. In my groups of friends we agree this tends to work out in the end.

Unless every single time you go out with this group you are ordering less than them? Otherwise they’ll think back to the time a few months ago when they were down a bit and you had more but they didn’t say anything then.

I think it’s either split every time or pay your own share every time. They should have spoken up and offered to pay more though.

I agree that in many cases it just won't even out.

Looking at the last few of our work splits (one person pays on cc and we work out and transfer later) - the same people are in the low group and the same the high (3x the low) group consistently (although I think the high group would moderate down from what they really wanted if splitting).

The teetotal, slight eating vegetarian is never going to even out with people who routinely have three courses, a bottle of wine and a cocktail.

I would always insist on adjusting the split if I knew my part of the bill was greater than the average by more than a few pounds.

It's hard if the established practice for the group is to split it though.

She says they regularly have dinners and always split.

To suddenly say you won't isn't fitting with the culture of the group.

It was really on the £90 trio to suggest something more equitable at the time, and it's a shame they didn't. But they were caught off guard and had had some wine- I don't think they are necessarily CFs. They probably just didn't think.

If I eat out with a group friends we always agree at the start whether we are doing separate bills or splitting the bill. If it was just another couple or a few couples we know well we split. For a large crowd I always say separate. Most places will just let you go up and pay for what you had even on a large table.

I would have said something at the time as no way would I pay £110 for a meal where I only ate and drank £40 of food/drink. Why didn't the ones who had the unusual dish put in that amount? That must have been way more than £15 if the bill was that high.

This always baffles me. Not that people quietly pay without speaking up, but more that the "friends" who've spent a lot happily allow others to sub their meal/drinks. I could never!

A few times when I've been out in groups and I note their is a non-drinker at the table or someone with a smaller appetite, when the conversation turns to splitting the bill and they oblige I have stepped in and said absolutely not!

I personally think it is CF behaviour. Low-level sure, but you can still smell the entitlement.