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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Splitting the bill - ended up paying 3x my consumption

523 replies

Jyas · 03/08/2023 22:16

Not an AIBU but more a WWYD…I’m in a hobby group and about every 2-3 months we treat ourselves to a nice dinner. There’s usually 8-10 of us and we always split the bill. It’s normally around £50 per person. This week we went to a restaurant which was more on the upper end of what we usually go for. Mains were £25 - £45. We all chose our food, but when ordering, the waiter managed to talk 3 of us into trying ‘the chefs special’. This was a rather elaborate and unusual dish, he didn’t mention the price but I would have thought it would be between £55-£60 at least from the description. When the bill came, they realised that it was over £90. The 3 offered to take one bottle of wine out of the total and share it between them to make up for their expensive dish.
In the end we paid £110 each and they paid £125 each. However, my main was £25 and plus drinks (i only had one water and one glass of wine from the shared bottle, others had much more to drink, and most had a starter but i didn’t). I would have paid around £40. So I ended up paying 3x as much.

We all really don’t mind if we pay a bit more than we consumed and we regularly go out eating together so things balance itself out. I was aware that the bill would be split and I was happy to do as usual (before knowing what their dish costed) so I couldn’t really say anything and I just paid, but I feel that £40 compared to £110 was just too big a difference on that occasion.
Would you have said anything, even tough everyone knew in advance that the bill would be split?

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 04/08/2023 05:49

The maths doesn't add up here.

3 people had mains that were an extra £60, and yet you paid an extra £60? If there were 9 of you, then the 3 lots of £60 (£180) would have been split across 9 and only been another £20 each.

DandelionLeaves · 04/08/2023 05:57

I'll never understand why it's considered better manners to expect others to pay for part of what you personally order and eat than to request a separate bill and pay your own way!

I couldn't be friends with anyone who expected to have their meal subsidised by everyone else at the table and behaved impolitely if someone dared question it.

nevertoomuchnevertoomuch · 04/08/2023 06:05

Let it go on this occasion. However, moving forward make sure you don't get caught out like this again.

.

Asiatoyork · 04/08/2023 06:21

Don’t be a wank, pay for that shank

rumred · 04/08/2023 06:25

This is why I hate big group meals. I don't have a starter or dessert, just can't eat that much in one sitting. I hate having to say actually I'll just pay mine because it's deemed tight (it's not but for some reason that's the British way).
I'm avoiding a meal tomorrow night for this very reason. I know I'll end up feeling pressured to subsidise people wealthier than me. So I won't go. I can't afford to

megletthesecond · 04/08/2023 06:26

I would have said something. As a non drinking veggie this used to happen to me all the time. I wasn't going to supplement other people's alcohol and meat consumption. I'm not a confident person but I would always speak up.

Hayliebells · 04/08/2023 06:32

The people in the group who had the expensive meal, and only added the extra bottle of wine to their bill are massive CF, really quite rude. I'd either make clear up front that I'm only willing to pay my share next time, or decline to go for dinner with them again. Have they no manners?!

Teateaandmoretea · 04/08/2023 06:38

Hayliebells · 04/08/2023 06:32

The people in the group who had the expensive meal, and only added the extra bottle of wine to their bill are massive CF, really quite rude. I'd either make clear up front that I'm only willing to pay my share next time, or decline to go for dinner with them again. Have they no manners?!

I agree, but it also sounds like they were conned by the restaurant. £90 for a main course when the others were £30 😲

They should obviously have started by taking it up with them though rather than sharing the cost out.

WalnutBlue · 04/08/2023 06:51

And this is why I never split the bill.
I am always sat there with the receipt working it out, sure it takes a little bit longer but I've never had a meal spoiled paying this way.
Cf who ordered the chef special expecting others to subsidise their meal.

Nanaof1 · 04/08/2023 06:51

Jyas · 03/08/2023 22:53

But I’ll let it go now, in the end we’re all friends and regularly go out for food, this never had happened before…I was just wondering if backtracking on splitting the bill is acceptable in that case (although I would find if hard to speak up anyway)

Well dang! Now you have to let us know what the chef's special was that was so different and unique.

Please don't leave us hanging!

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 04/08/2023 06:58

Echio · 03/08/2023 23:44

Awkward situation.

I'm not sure how I'd handle it, but I can say if I was one of the £90-ers and hadn't been told it was £90, I'd be as shocked as the OP. They may not have chosen it knowing that. So, they did get the benefit but it wasn't knowingly so - in some sense it's fair that shock is absorbed by the team because they were all in the same boat - anyone could have done it, and to get lumped by that single-handedly is a raw deal when you didn't know?

Tricky - can also of course see it's unfair on OP.

There was a similar (well, different) situation recently with a hen party group where it was like 4 groups of 4 for the hotel (I might have the numbers wrong), but one person dropped out. Obviously, that person should have still paid, but they didn't. The debate was whether the now how to cover that cost - should the 3-person group should be more (as in, it's the cost of the room, now split 3 ways), or it get split evenly so everyone in the whole party was paying the same rate. Consensus on that thread was it went to everyone. Which would translate here to 'split the bill evenly'. Interesting to compare?

That situation isn't even remotely similar.

All the hens were getting the same, a bed in a hotel. One hen dropped out and the room the hen happened to be staying in was then expected to cover the cost. (Obviously the drop out should have paid)
That meant those who happened to be in the room had to find £80+, whereas if it was shared it would be about a tenner each.

Splitting evenly was fair because everyone was getting the same and it wasn't anyone's choice that the person dropped out (other than the person but see above) the 3 CFs chose to order without checking and then chose to allow others to sub them.

WaltzingWaters · 04/08/2023 06:58

TidyDancer · 03/08/2023 22:27

Absolutely no way could I have just sucked that up and I'm very passive with this kind of stuff normally. That's just too much of a difference.

The people who were daft enough to agree to an unknown priced meal should've had the decency to pay for what they actually had on that occasion.

This. It was really rude of the three with the crazily priced meal to not just pay the huge difference.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 04/08/2023 07:06

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/08/2023 01:17

Yeah because if you "quibble" over the bill, they have to pay for what they ordered instead of some other mug (you) paying for it!

I would and have, responded with....."You dont like quibbling but I dont like paying for other peoples food and booze so I will pay for myself and you can argue it out between yourselves". These days I just say up front "I dont eat much so I would rather order individually" and ignore the "oh why, lets just split it later". They cant actually make you do what they want!

And guess what, they will either never ask you out for dinner again because they realise that you are not a walkover, or they will apologise and treat you for the next couple of meals as an apology. And you get to learn who are your real friends.

Show quote history

You expected to be treated for the next couple of meals as an apology for suggesting to split the bill- you win the CF 🏆

LindorDoubleChoc · 04/08/2023 07:09

Please describe the £90 dish.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 04/08/2023 07:12

AlisonDonut · 04/08/2023 05:49

The maths doesn't add up here.

3 people had mains that were an extra £60, and yet you paid an extra £60? If there were 9 of you, then the 3 lots of £60 (£180) would have been split across 9 and only been another £20 each.

Does that mean we won't be finding out what the meal was?

itsmyp4rty · 04/08/2023 07:17

AlisonDonut · 04/08/2023 05:49

The maths doesn't add up here.

3 people had mains that were an extra £60, and yet you paid an extra £60? If there were 9 of you, then the 3 lots of £60 (£180) would have been split across 9 and only been another £20 each.

But I guess everyone else spent more on their mains than she did so they all pushed her bill up as well - plus they all drank a lot more and possibly had starters/desserts that she didn't.

OP maybe you could have said 'Oh my main was only £25 and I've only had one glass of wine, does anyone mind if I pay less this time?' It's too late to do anything now though. In future if you know you're going out with this lot then don't have anything to eat all day and then fill your boots!

Washbasketcase · 04/08/2023 07:18

I never understand these CF splitting bill threads. In my social groups, where we always split bills, everyone is falling over themselves to ensure their friends aren't stung. A typical conversation goes:

Me: 'So it's £42 each if we include a tip"
(Susan): 'No, but you weren't drinking, so you need to pay less than the others'
(Sarah): 'And I had the steak, whereas Jane just had a salad, so I need to pay more too'
(Jane): 'No, don't worry about it, I'm happy to pay the split, but Mary should definitely pay less as she didn't have a pudding'
(Mary): 'Nah, just split the whole thing, I really don't mind'
(Susan): 'Let me at least cover the tip for everyone'

and on and on and on.

It's VERY tedious, but at least no one pays too much more than they spend!

In regard to the OP's specific situation, I expect the reason the 3 specials eaters did not protest more than a bottle of wine is because they feel the whole group were ambushed by the waiter - no one knew the price, they didn't do it purposely, could have been any one of you stung. Not saying that's right (and it wouldn't have flied in my social group), but it's kinda 'not their fault' either.

LAMPS1 · 04/08/2023 07:25

You could text something like this …

Great to see you all last night but is anybody else still reeling from the cheek of the restaurant pushing that chefs special that cost some of us a lot extra …. Did they think we wouldn’t notice ! I won’t be going there again and I think we each pay our own from now on as my budget won’t run to that again.

RebeccaCloud9 · 04/08/2023 07:28

PLEASE tell us about the £90 special!

PurpleGreenandWhiteAreTheNewPrimaryColours · 04/08/2023 07:29

Is anyone else wondering what the £90 meal was to make it so special?

Blanketpolicy · 04/08/2023 07:38

I absolutely would have said something. When I heard the figure I would have started with a shocked "How much?! Let me see the bill", followed by "Mine was only £40, so I'll stick in £50. Bloody hell, yours was expensive, I'd never pay that much for a single meal, hope it was worth it!!!!"

Kim729 · 04/08/2023 07:39

Ah OP, you’re not wrong to be frustrated of course.

I think that given how many people have a brass neck when it comes it ripping off their friends with an unfair bill, I would chalk this up to experience and in future be equally brazen enough to say I’ll be paying my share (and approximate percentage of service of course) and rounding it up a bit. Whether this be at the start (even with a separate tab if necessary) or at the end with a little comment like “Ooh I didn’t expect it to be that much overall. I thought it was that bigger table’s bill but I forgot about the specials/wine/whatever it is hiking up the bill. Do you mind if I pay X to cover my main course and Coke (with service and a tip) first as I’ve got an expensive month until pay day.”

If I was really worried about the perceived awkwardness, I’d even consider saying I had to dash slightly earlier so ask for a separate tab at the start! But fair enough if you enjoy their company beyond dinner which I’m sure is the case with friends. But I definitely have colleagues who sometimes do this eg those with kids who need to leave a bit earlier and don’t stay around drinking/ordering dessert.

I have to occasionally go out with my husband’s certain friends (CFs in many respects) who will take out a calculator if they’ve paid slightly less - btw, if we’ve paid even a small amount more, we will skim the bill and always always round up anyway. On the times when they’ve spent a fair bit more than us, they suddenly want to split with enthusiasm. So I always say to waiting staff “Well be paying separately” at the start when we go out with these so we have two tabs. I wouldn’t mind if they weren’t CFs generally. It’s easy to say as they are - just like these friends of yours are clearly.

NJMAd · 04/08/2023 07:43

Maybe it's a sign that my friends and I lack class.

But I'm so glad we always just each pay our way and then split the tip.

AlisonDonut · 04/08/2023 07:44

itsmyp4rty · 04/08/2023 07:17

But I guess everyone else spent more on their mains than she did so they all pushed her bill up as well - plus they all drank a lot more and possibly had starters/desserts that she didn't.

OP maybe you could have said 'Oh my main was only £25 and I've only had one glass of wine, does anyone mind if I pay less this time?' It's too late to do anything now though. In future if you know you're going out with this lot then don't have anything to eat all day and then fill your boots!

Show quote history

How would they have done that if it was only the specials that were £90?

If this happened [to me] I'd be asking for a copy of the actual bill.

If a normally £400 bill [10ish people at £40] came to £1000 [10ish people at £100] then yes, questions need to be asked!

Viviennemary · 04/08/2023 07:47

I think the restaurant was at fault for promoting there special dish but not mentioning the price. I usually don't agree with quibbling about bills in restaurants but you are 100% right on this occasion. But I think it would be too awkward to query the split now if you want to carry on going out with the group.