if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

In truth I don't help my DD out with dgc very often. That's because I live 180 miles away. But when she had dGS1 unwell with chicken pox I went down and stayed for a week and cared for him because he couldn't go to nursery and she had something important going on at work. I also went to stay for 5 days when DGS2 was born and whilst there I shopped, baked with DGS1 and also cooked her several freezer meals like 2 X large shepherds pies, 2 X quiches and a stew and froze then I made her a huge lasagne for the day she got home and another one the day I left for going home. I even had to buy 2 more large baking dishes. She was tearful and very grateful for my help and I enjoyed helping out but on a day to day basis I'm too far away to help. I did help out financially though with help towards nursery fees for both DGS's. Also if I go down to visit I always take them all for a nice meal and day out which I pay for. I don't know how you could let yourself run out of nappies.

Just a clarifying point. OP isn’t a
saying she ran out of nappies three times. She gave the nappy example and said it was one of about 3 times when she asked her mum for a specific bit of help and was refused.

Certainly that’s how I read it.

As for looking after a baby in their own home being as dull as “dishwasher” … the point of helping is to do what’s more helpful and easier for the mum and baby surely.

Perhaps she genuinely feels that she is being a big help, but you both have different ideas of what that looks like. For example for me having someone watch DS for 30 minutes so that I could finally take a shower, or nip to the shops was a big help. Or someone offering to babysit, even if it meant taking DS to them would have been helpful too. You might expect more than that. DH working away is your real issue, and I wonder if that's her view too - so she's reluctant to step into fix a situation that you both created. TBH in her shoes, the nappy thing would have irritated me too. If home delivery/deliveroo etc wasn't available where you are, I would have gone but it would have been reluctant. What is the plan going forward for DH and work? If you are struggling on your own while DD is so young, it's going to get harder when she gets older - think teething, terrible two's, illness etc. I'm a single parent so I know it's possible to cope alone, but if you are finding it difficult it sounds like the 'working away all week' arrangement is unsustainable. It's not about being super-organised, but you do need to be organised to some degree.

OP, I think if it was really an emergency like you got rushed into hospital, your Mum would help you out and look after her dgc until your husband got back from work.

I’m older than your mum @bubbleaf. I’d have gone for your nappies in a heartbeat and my mum would have done for me. As someone who will never have their own grandchildren - I share my bloke’s - I can’t imagine not doing everything possible to make your life easier. I’m so sorry that isn’t happening for you.

I think this is the crux of the frustration for so many of us

Not everyone can "push on to help". I certainly can't. I wouldn't be safe to drive I get so exhausted.

I'm 61. I'm exhausted most of the time for various reasons, I was exhausted all the time when my kids were young, I had no help either. But if I am ever lucky enough to be involved in my DDs' family if and when they have children I will be fucking falling over myself to help. Only on MN do I see people who think they owe their adult children nothing.

Jeez isn’t it just !

I sympathise, my mother is the same - all talk, no action. She's always been like this since I can remember.

Lots of posts about how her kids (we're also mid-thirties) are her world on social media and how she'd do anything for us, but I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen her this year, with fingers to spare. She's spent weeks with her partner's daughter, however.

It's not really about the nappies and the 4pm cut off, it's about feeling sidelined and neglected.

With a partner who works away and a C-section you make sure you have all the essentials like enough nappies and if you run out order them or get a taxi to the shop.
It sounds like a test for your mum.
You know she gets tired at a certain time but asked her anyway. You don't think she dotes enough imo.
I am a grandma and have dropped everything for doctors appointments etc and when I'm going to theirs I often say 'do you need me to get anything'. But I've never been asked to go and fetch something like nappies.
I hate the idea that grandparents who bought up their own dc have to rush over because her daughter finds out what it's like to have a small baby. It's great having a support network but unless you really can't cope occasionally you just get on with it, middle through and learn as you go.

I never said I was superior.

In fact I said the opposite.

I have multiple health conditions and home delivery here is next day at best. I looked at my circumstances and made a choice. The op should have thought ahead for essentials - and nappies are essential.

Plenty of reluctance to help with young grand children is provably because those grandparents didn’t even enjoy that young chkk child stage as parents (cos a lot of it is an absolutely exhausting grind) and so CBA doing it a second time (especially now they’re older).

I think, in the majority of cases, it really is that simple.

I'm sorry that you find my tone superior. I'm autistic. I know I'm not normal, but thank you for that.

On dog threads, so many people say, ‘I prefer dogs to humans’. From threads like this, I see that this is genuinely the case.

Just curious, how much help has your dad offered/given?

Surely as mothers it is an obligation to support our children when they need it and that also means when they go on to be mothers themselves? I truly hope I am in the position to be able to help my own daughter if she goes on to have children, I can’t imagine leaving her to struggle all alone.
I think it’s sad that so many people lack family support, they always say it takes a village!

Crossed my mind too, my god I’m glad I have no cold hearted people in my life !

OP think back to your childhood. Has your mum always put herself first? My DM has been very much like this, we were never a priority to her and are not important to her now.

But just the females of the village? Why don’t fathers have that same obligation?

The main problem is that what your mother says about being a huge support to you and the reality don’t match up. However, she wasn’t being unreasonable to say she would bring the nappies over to you the following day if she was tired.

I’m a bit surprised that your DH didn’t take time off to help you while you were still recovering from your section. You really needed him to be around during that time.

My kids haven’t had children yet. If they lived an hour-ish away, had babies and needed help of any kind and nobody else could step in, we would. And that goes for me and my husband. I just can’t imagine why a parent wouldn’t unless they were truly unwell or away.

We have our babies, look after them and then they turn 18 and on MN parents wash their hands of them. My husband thankfully is of the same mindset as me and wants to look after our young adult kids if they need us. It’s unconditional. It’s not about fostering dependence. It’s about them knowing we have their backs in a crisis.

In my world they do. My husband is on hand for our adult kids as much as I am. It’s crazy to expect it just of the mums.

Yes fathers also, I was just talking from my own view point as a mother as someone upthread mentions mothers aren’t obligated to help their adult children whereas I feel I do have an obligation to my children to be there for them. I didn’t bring them into this world just to abandon them when they reach adulthood and my husband feels the same.