if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

I am a grandmother. When DGD was first born I lived 70 miles away (non-driver). Visited at least weekly, sometimes I stayed over. Don't honestly know if I was much help but my DD and SIL didn't have many friends local, other than parents of young children. Then lockdown happened and we couldn't see them at all.

We have moved much closer, have DGD one day a week and can do nursery pick ups or drop offs at short notice in an emergency. I know my DD is very grateful. Her inlaws are further away although still very involved. Most of her closest friends do not have parents close by.

I can't imagine not wanting to be with my DGD as much as possible but I understand not wanting to intrude. We are due another DGC next year but much further away and won't be able to just invite ourselves over and that slightly breaks my heart. I know plenty of grandparents who aren't as lucky as we are and many who don't want to be tied down to a weekly commitment.

You say, OP, you don't really expect emotional support from your mother but she may feel that she provides that at your weekly coffee meets. How much are you talking about the difficulties of looking after your DD alone all week? If you want more practical help can you ask for specific things? Would going to her for dinner sometimes be an option? Perhaps you could keep some baby stuff at her house, so you know you can do nappy and clothes changes there without carrying everything with you. You don't have to take over her home but a box of toys and books would be useful.

Finally, people she is telling about how helpful she is to you may know her and not quite believe her version.

In the real world (rather than MN land) having a 59 year old able bodied grandmother with presumably only one GC - nearby I think most people would have more support than you describe. Most people would want to and actually be a bit more helpful than that. I know I would be.

However I think you need to just take a step back and say to yourself this is all she is willing to offer. Some people just suit themselves and don’t put themselves out in any real way. And that’s a shame.

What I would think about is getting an occasional mothers help or nanny to do a couple of hours at your home so that you can get a bit of time to yourself. It must be really tough doing it all solo Monday - Friday. Yes lots of people do it but it’s hard! My exh worked v long hours (and played golf every Saturday) when I had 3 under 5. But on date when it was really really tough I’d call him and he’d come home for 6 or 7 just so I could hand the baby to him.

Be sure to remember the lack of practical help when your mum is much older. Often totally expected that children do much much more than you’re asking for for aged parents.

Well done for recovering from a c-section (not easy, I’ve been there), for coping single-handedly five days a week, and for holding your tongue at your mother’s self-aggrandisement.
My MiL was just like your mother. Her loss. A great loss. However one thing she didn’t do was brag about her involvement. That would have compounded the disappointment. I’m older than your mother, as is my DIL’s mother. We both really engage with our grandchildren and thoroughly enjoy it.
You ran out of nappies? Don’t we all forget something when we’re not getting a good night’s sleep or worn out? That’s human fallibility.
Stressed at 4pm? It’s often not a good time of the day with a six month old.
Continue to rely on your friends. Build support in them.

Yanbu because if your mum is constantly bragging to you and everyone that she is providing lots of help, whenever you want it, that’s a bit rich

but Yabvu for expecting her to provide help. It’s a nice-to-have; she is only 59 I m sure she has her own life. Unless you are totally incapacitated and it is an emergency.

Running out of nappies is bonkers- just go to the shop or bulk buy ahead of time from Amazon/supermarket delivery.

Meant with kindness but you just have to cope. With dc2, i was doing school run twice a day walking 2.5miles in January at temp of -2 in the mornings, when my dc2 was 8 days old. I didn’t expect help and no one offered. You need to take that attitude then every bit of help is a bonus!

From experience of being a GP the only thing I will say is sometimes it's easier to have the GC at my house as I can get on with doing things that need doing inbetween little one having naps.

You absolutely are NOT being unreasonable, your mum shouldn’t be making out she’s indispensable when clearly she’s doing heehaw to help you.

I was in a similar position in that my DP worked away Monday - Friday, but my mum was amazing helping me out. She stayed over 3 or 4 nights to help with night feeds when DD was a baby, and because I got a good sleep every night I was fine during the day, I had DD in a good routine with her feeding (she was an easy baby, nothing to do with me being a good mum 😜), I went to lots of different baby groups / met with friends for coffee, went shopping etc so I was out most days. However, I found the evenings incredibly lonely as my mum didn’t come over till around 10pm when she was staying over. It does get easier but I feel for you bubbleleaf.

my DD. Is now 19 and hopefully it’ll be a few years yet before she starts a family, and so long as I’m able I’ll be there to help her in whatever way I can.

People are so weird here.

I come from a culture where family help each other out. On MN there is a cold culture of ‘you had your kids, never expect help from anyone ever’.

It is thankfully not a philosophy that people around me subscribe to. Parents help if they can. If they can’t due to health etc of course that’s fine too.

I understand why you feel let down.

It is so weird here sometimes.

My mum is the same op.
Thinks she's a wonderful grandma but has never bothered with my two, never really played with them or ever changed a nappy
I expect nothing from her now and it really has ruined our relationship tbh and the kids aren't close to her as she just sits on the sofa and doesn't interact with them.
In fact I left them with her for one hour the other day to take MIL to hospital (they are 6 & 9 now and not naughty) and when I got back her words were "I'm ready to slit my throat"
Gee thanks mum 😰

People berating OP for running out of nappies.

The incident is irrelevant …it’s the fact that she asked for a specific bit of practical help that would take say 30 mins. To say no to your daughter because it’s 6pm is utterly effing bonkers. It wasn’t 2am. And it was a one-off. It’s not like she did it every week. Sheesh.

My neighbour that I’ve known 8 months has twin boys. If she asked me to go and get her nappies because she was on her own I’d go and get them
ffs.

I used reusables for this reason - at least in part. I didn't want to be running out of nappies.

The op says it's happened 3 times that she ran out of something similar to nappies and couldn't drive. I'd have found an alternative workaround after the first time.

My mum is in her mid-60s and gives me loads of support with my baby (so does my dad). They live an hour away. I am very very grateful, and I know what a privilege this is. I also get that not everyone is lucky enough to have supportive parents who live within reach, but I think YANBU to be disappointed with mum, since she does live close by and it sounds like she is giving you very little support. It's not entitled to hope for a bit of help from your mum from
time to time. ignore some of the strange, bitter posters on here. They are in the minority but it sometimes doesn't feel that way!

Yes, Mumsnet is very extremist in its anti-mother stance, on the whole. A lot of internalised misogyny mixed with capitalist individualism. The most important work for the human race — that of nurturing its young — is on here considered a luxury 'lifestyle choice' to be undertaken only by the wealthy and independently of the rest of society.

This. I mean, come on. As for running out of nappies, keep a good stock in the house and order more online when stocks get low. There really is no excuse.

Is your mum still working full time? I can imagine that at the end of a working day the last thing I'd want to do is to run around for a daughter who's had enough of her own baby and wants to hand over responsibility to me.

I am early fifties and tired like never before. It’s weird. But I would still help out my daughter who needed nappies post-section, in a heartbeat.

Hey, all of you posting here. If any of you had a c-section, lived near to me and needed nappies, I would pop out and get you some unless I was at work. Because that’s what most decent people do isn’t it?

Looking after other peoples babies in your own house is ok.

In the babies house is dull as dishwasher. I don't blame your mum for wanting her own stuff around her to entertain herself when the baby is napping etc.

Never understood how people completely run out of nappies unless really counting the pennies between purchases, especially with a 6 month old and more experience with nappy changing frequency - just don't let it drop below a full packet which lasts days.

Fair enough if you are finding it hard your dh being away, but you seem to be trying to place the blame for that on you mum who is not unreasonable to decide how much support she gives you.

My mum gave me similar support levels. Never resented her for it once, my baby my responsibility.

Maybe you're a superior human being with more abilities than some of us. However, that's not a reason not to support normal people who are tired and forgetful or simply don't have the spoons. Quite the contrary, in fact.

Exactly. Even if OP was wilfully disorganised, why ‘punish’ her by refusing to help out? What has happened to people?

I’d be really irritated at her telling everyone, me included, that she was being a great help when she wasn’t.

That would likely make the lack of helpfulness more grating than it would have been if she hadn’t said anything.

My ex-SIL used to really annoy me with this sort of thing when my DD was very sick. She would always be saying “oh anything you need, just ask” “ask anytime, I’m always here” and would tell everyone and anyone “oh yes, I’m always on hand if YetMore needs anything”. Yet if I actually asked her for anything she was only free between 11am and 11.05 every 45th Wednesday.

I wouldn’t have cared about her not helping. I wouldn’t even have cared if she didn’t offer. But offering and making out that she was always on hand when she wasn’t was really annoying.

It's actually very difficult indeed to carry even one packet of nappies home, with a baby in hand as well. Try getting the pushchair, baby and shopping up three flights of stairs then ask why people don't just buy loads and loads of heavy items in one trip!

How come it's only your mum that you're blaming? Not your dad or your dad in law or your mother in law?

I'm in my fifties and I'm pure exhausted all the time. I have multiple health issues and they tire me out plus menopause and lack of sleep. I don't do stuff in the evenings unless it's essential - and if someone said had run right out of nappies (three times?) I'd be flabbergasted - I'd help the first time but the OP seems to want help from her mum in the op's house from 4pm regularly.

I just wouldn't want to be doing that. I like to be in my own house after tea so I can relax and decompress after a day at work.

I'm a Granny, dd is a single parent, I provided childcare until dgs started pre school at 2 and provide childcare in holidays whilst dd works. I will also have dgs should dd need time to do stuff for herself. I'd say I do more than enough, dd would probably like me to have dgs more so that she would get a break but she knows I do as much as I can and more than I intended. She wouldn't ask me to get nappies if she ran out because it would be just as quick to pop dgs in the car and get them herself. Maybe your dm isn't wanting to look after a baby, it's a shock to the system after years of not having a baby. I understand that she feels tired because I do too and a day with dgs exhausts me. I think you probably need to build a support network around you as you want more than your dm is prepared to give. There is nothing wrong with either viewpoint they are just incompatible.

I had loads of help from my family when I had a baby but I never would have thought to ask them to leave their house when they were home to bring me nappies.

Sorry, gently though, YABU.

Your mum isn't your partner.

Couldn't the op have done a delivery?

If things are that difficult (and yes, they may be - the op had a section so she couldn't have managed the pushchair etc if she couldn't drive) then you need to be on top of getting things delivered.

Or get the op's partner to get extras to have in stock at the weekend?

I know so many people who could have written that post, and all of us were always at our grandparents’ houses as kids. Where’s our village eh?

I’m with you op. After a c section I would have been doing everything I could to help you. I’m older and get tired but you push on to help. Hope things get easier for you