if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

I can't carry nappies, a baby and a pushchair home now ten years on and very fit, so I don't get why others think it's so simple. And no, not everywhere has deliveries and they cost more as you have to bulk buy. This is silly. It's normal to forget things sometimes!

My bet is she drinks after 4pm
and doesn’t want you to know. Hence why she couldn’t get you the nappies at 6pm as was over the limit

Mine sounds similar, I totally understand OP. What I find a bit upsetting is not so much a lack of practical help, it's that I genuinely thought my mum would want to actually spend time with her grandchildren. My In-laws have never been hands on but they are older and are very interested in the children and love us to bring them to visit. My Dad is very interested in them and likes to make an effort to spend time with them when he can. Interestingly, my mum doesn't claim to be an involved grandparent but claims to have been a really involved parent. When I look back, my mum was actually a detached 70's parent who did very little with us unless it involved one of her interests, so I should have been prepared! It blows me away that so many people have family that are happy and able to do childcare while they work and some are even happy to look after them not just over night but often for whole weekends! 😁

Glad to hear it, but I’m yet to see a post on here where someone complains about their dad not doing this kind of stuff for their grandchild. Society doesn’t put these expectations on men.

You often find the hopeless unhelpful DGMs are the ones that had their DM around always available.

The op says similar things have happened 3 times.

since the op had a section and her partner works away during the week (I think from reading) then she and he needed to have a discussion to ensure that she had what she needed on hand.

I know not everywhere does instant deliveries - that's what it's like here. So I make sure (as I'm disabled) that I'm planning ahead - the op's husband should be doing that at the weekend if she's not able to (due to health/being overwhelmed/baby/section). He should be stepping up.

That’s extremely plausible. It would also explain why she’s always “tired”.

Hi op. In your situation I would make use of the help your mum is willing to give during the day and accept that from 4pm she won't help you. It is still useful to be able to drop the baby off at hers and then go run errands/get a haircut etc.. and understandable that she gets tired as the day goes on. I do also understand her wanting to be in her own home.

Having said that, I think it was a bit mean not to get you nappies if you were desperate and couldn't drive, even if she was tired. I can't imagine my mum refusing to do that for me.

I don't drink at all, and I'm exhausted after work in the evenings. As someone in their 50's I am just "tired" - it's not that I am drinking - I genuinely am just tired.

noone should have children with the expectation of gp help then they wont be shocked when it doesnt happen

next time she says im such a help arent i -just say when was that then

Bingo - my MiL.

Well OP, I agree with you that your mum could/should well be an a bit more supportive. She only seems to want to help out on her terms. However, any support is helpful and my advice is to try and make the best of the situation.
Perhaps your DM could come over once a week in the afternoon and take baby out for a walk while you have a little nap or do some yoga or something so you are refreshed for the tea-time/evening slot with the baby.
Or drop the baby to her when you need to do some errands or have some time away from the baby for a change.
Push more for what you want her to do, even if it’s once a fortnight.
when baby is a little older, would you take baby to DM’s house, then get your mum to bring her back to you a few hours later?
I would be frustrated like you in this situation. But above all don’t overreact to it, just try and get some help if you can, develop the bond between the three of you now the baby is here, and see how it goes.

My mum was a five minute walk away when I had my first. She'd pop in at any time of the day and just hold baby for me if that's what I needed. But more often than not she'd do the dishes, put a meal on, fold laundry, anything really to make my day easier.
Its not right that your mum is claiming credit for something she's not doing. I suppose this grates more than her not being available to you.

I had 4 kids ,never once ran out of nappies
3 under 3 and the youngest 2 weeks old ,dh sent away for a month with work .
no family involved or near
I had to get organised and just get on with it ..
you …not your mum chose to have a baby .
you ,need to be organised enough to cope with it .
baby is your responsibility

Yeah people who don’t drink get tired too!

Just thinking it explains the 4pm rule and yes the tiredness (hungover) and the delusional thoughts as well.

I’m just speaking from experience as my mum is an alcoholic so it was the first thought I had.

I think assuming your DM is in poor health is a leap in the absence of anything to suggest this.

I'm a few years older than your DM. I would like to think I could offer more help than this. FWIW I lived a couple of hundred miles from any relatives when I had DD, and it was hard. My DM came down about once a month, and stayed a couple of days. TBH she was sometimes more of an additonal stress than a help, but she was showing willing by travelling down.

I'm sure in her story that she did much more than this, and was very helpful when she was here! Meh, my DM has her limitations. But there were times when it was very disapointing. I too had a section, and in my case a fairly useless DH so I feel your pain. The only thing I can suggest, apart from other forms of support suggested, is to manage your expectations for DM. She probably won't turn into Supergran any time soon

I'm picturing the episode from Motherland when the inlaws come to 'help' and just lie around demanding cups of tea.

You can be disappointed and it's not entitled to expect someone close to you to be supportive, but you can't count on it. You need to just tell your mum that you don't know why she's going round telling everyone that she has been so wonderfully helpful when she hasn't, or set those people shes been telling straight yourself. I'm sure my inlaws do this - they see the kids twice a year when they live a short drive away, when we do see them they ignore them, and then talk about themselves. Bloody useless. My kids are very indifferent to them, but i'm sure amongst their circle of friends they are grandparents of the year 😂

Yes you can't expect anything from family. It is better to forge your own support network of exchanging favours amongst others who would also benefit from your help. I find family pretty crap when it comes to dealing with the practical elements of caring for the kids anyway and tend to cherry pick the fun stuff. I have family who help me with my SEN child by taking the non SEN child out to give me a break😂Not a break for me, but at least my NT son gets a break I suppose, which I am grateful for.

I’m a GM and I wouldn’t think twice about getting nappies, etc. And I was quite a bit older than your DM when the first Gdc was born.

I wonder what your mums reaction would be if you stated - oh we are not that close like some mums and daughters are.

I expect if the boot was on the other shoe there'd be a lot to be said by your mother...

my mum was indispensable, I never thought about it as I was early twenties having dc. Mum would offer to babysit so I could get out, or offer to come with me to stuff to help out. When I came home from hospital she had cleaned from top to bottom and came round in the evening to do the ironing etc. Not in an overbearing way but literally to make life easier. Would take dc on holiday when they got older etc. Thing was she never told anyone she was indispensable but she had such a magical relationship with her grandchildren

I think it's unfair to expect your mother to do more than she wants to. Although it is annoying she's making out like she's being super helpful!

People treat being a grandparent differently. My inlaws are very hands on and would happily have the children several times a week if we asked whereas my parents are more occasional babysitters. Neither of those approaches are wrong.

You either look for problems or solutions. OPs husband is home at weekends and either one can get nappies in, or get a supermarket delivery.

The harsh reality is some people just don’t want to help their kids out with childcare. It’s a shame, but ultimately their choice. No one should ever have kids and expect family support for this very reason. Any support you do get then is a bonus.

It doesn’t sound like your mother wants to be hands on. It’s harsh, but it is what it is. You can’t change that. I understand I have next to no support and I’m surrounded by people who have grandparents have the kid twice a week and more over the holidays.

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She doesn't sound particularly helpful and while that's not unusual I can see that it would be annoying if she tells everyone she is. I would just tell them otherwise though!