if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

I feel for you OP, i am a granny but younger (49), and i am very hands on, i cant do child care during the day as i work full time but i often have my GDD so my son and partner can go shopping in peace or if they need to pop somewhere and she doesnt want to go. I have many times popped to the shop for my DIL when my son was working late and she was stuck with no car.

Your mum is of no real help and i would be correcting anybody who tried to say otherwise.

I'd roll my eyes at her pretending to be so helpful. There isn't much you can do though. Just accept this is who she is and expect nothing from her.

However, I would say that you can absolutely put yourself first too. If traipsing to her house doesn't work for you, say no. Suit yourself, just as she does. You don't have to inconvenience yourself when she won't for you. If she can use the tired excuse you certainly can!!

I'm not a grandmother, I'm a mother to a 2yo.

IMO your mother sounds selfish. I would look for support in other places, such as a childminder or if you don't want to do childcare, just trying to connect with another mum for emotional support.

I expect they'll be a lot of comments saying your baby isn't your mum's responsibility blah blah, I don't agree. But then I'm a great believer of you get out what you get in and if this is your mothers attitude I can't imagine that you have a particularly good relationship with one another. The biggest takeaway for you is that you should make sure you're not like this with your own child.

Bloody hell. Her acting so old at 59 is bizarre. I assume she’s not working or perhaps she is and she’s just exhausted because if it.

My DH was in London Sunday night to Friday night when DD was born too.

My mother moved to the Middle East when I was pregnant. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry that made no sense

I meant, you get out what you put in

good luck to your mum when she needs help when she's old and you keep her at a distance and don't want to do too much for her!

I had very similar, I was nagged for years to have a baby, she made all these plans and promises and very few materialised so I understand why your upset however in the nicest possible way you need to adjust your expectations and try and find some support elsewhere. Its unlikely things will change. Try not to worry about what shes telling other people (I get how infuriating this is) these things have a way of showing themselves and concentrate on other things.

I honestly mean this kindly but you do learn to toughen up a bit and start getting on with it. Every Mum should absolutley have support for witching hour, running to shop, dropping off a dinner etc, its so hard sometimes, but it just doesn't happen for most people and you find a way of getting on with it.

Who you have around you, DH's family, friends? Friend and family relationships can change so much after having a baby and its often the people you didn't expect. My MIL and I are really close now, she told me recently she was made up the first time I agreed for her to bring round a cottage pie as she could tell I was shattered and she was over the moon to help 💗

As a grandmother to 3, aged 9 and 5 (siblings, in a 2 parent family) and 4 yr old to single mum, and roughly same age as you mum and I also work 30hrs a week, your mum is in my eyes useless !!!. Ive had the youngest to sleep over at least twice a week, since her mum went back to work and also have her to give her a break (g/daughters dad is complete no contact).

Not a GM but I wouldn't have got your nappies for you if I was - unless I literally lived on the same street. Even then I'd suggest you planned further ahead next time.

I imagine that if you have a DM or MIL who would drop everything to help all the time, they'd always be around, thinking you needed rescuing..

I am a grandmother and I’m nothing like your mother @bubbleaf .

I have four lovely grandchildren, 3 boys and a girl. I would do (and have done) virtually anything I could to help out my family.

when dgd was born, I made the evening meals for dd and her dp, after she was discharged from hospital, giving them the choice of eating at my house or taking plated meals to them. I even stayed with my dd mon-fri for several weeks, from when dgd was 2 weeks old, as her dp had to work away during the week. I used to take dgd into another room at night so dd could get some sleep. Over the last 3 years, I have been there if my dd and her dp needed help. Dgd goes to nursery 3 days a week and my dd and her dp cover the other 4 days with opposite days off, so they don’t take the piss. However if dgd is unwell on one of her nursery days I look after her.

I also help out my other dd, who has 2 boys at school and one at pre-school. Again I made their meals for them all when needed and looked after dgs’ if they were ill, or when dd was in hospital. Luckily her dh works locally, so apart from when dd was in labour, I haven’t been needed to stay overnight at her house. The boys, however, have all stayed with me for sleepovers, or when they were unwell and couldn’t go to nursery/school. On top of this I often take their dirty clothes to wash and dry, if they get a bit behind in it plus I take 2 of dgs to an after school activity and collect them from after school club and make their (and often also dd and sil) evening meals.

I told both dds, before they had children, that I couldn’t provide regular every day care, but would help out with emergencies etc. I was 54 when I first became a grandmother and was 59 when dgd was born and I am disabled. To be honest I can be absolutely exhausted if it has been a bad week with childcare. I want to do the best my disability will allow, for my family, as that is what I think makes a good and loving grandmother.

I am a Grandmother to 4 boys and I love them all to bits.

You are NOT being unreasonable to be annoyed that your Mother is telling all and sundry how much of a help she is to you with the baby. That would make me very angry and maybe you can discuss that with her? Or would you fall out about it?

I think you ARE being unreasonable in other areas though. She may very well be tired after 4pm - or perhaps she is aware that if she comes over at 4pm she will end up spending most of the evening with you to keep you company and to be dealing with the baby and maybe she will end up having to do that on many evenings when your husband is away, so she just makes a point of not doing it at all, in order to preserve her boundaries?

My daughter was 40 when her son was born. At that time I had taken early retirement and was working part time closer to home (3-4 days a week). I was 60+ and have 2 sleep disorders which meant and still mean, that getting up before 9.30 am or so left me like a zombie for the rest of the day. I was also suffering from depression. My daughter and her family live around 45 minutes away from me, in rush hour, possibly longer. I refused to be a regular carer for my Grandson. She wanted me to do it 1 day a week and I simply knew that it would be impossible for me, given my health problems. I did, though, say that in an emergency or special situations I would of course help if I could.

Everyone is different. I have a good relationship with my Grandson, now aged 11 and my daughter and her partner, but I simply couldn't have done it then. Her partner's parents were both willing and able to watch him, but after 6 months they were finding it very hard and tried to press gang me into changing my mind. People don't always understand what is going on in other people's lives, even close family.

I agree with some others, that the problem is that your DH works away 5 days a week and you are finding things very hard just now. What exactly is the problem with your 6 month old at/after 4pm, when you say the baby is 'tricky'? I was a single parent when my daughter was a small baby until she was nearly 3 and yes, it can be very hard, but not impossible.

@milkandbread I think what that poster means by "child" isn't in terms of dependency, but that you are still the offspring of said parent, as such (usually, hopefully) your love does not stop over night, so whilst your "child" doesn't NEED parental support, just as we don't need friendly support, when it's someone you love it's usually something you want to do? You want to alleviate pain, stress, discomfort etc, especially during a challenging time a parent should be able to relate to, even if it's not something you are expected or HAVE to do.

@JudgeJ
Lots of fathers are also entirely absent or dead but hers isn’t so choices are involved.

Babies have always varied but by and large been considered very difficult in the early months. Expectations of parenting have also changed over the centuries and we don’t leave them to cry in the bottom of gardens, feed them cereal enriched bottles so they sleep 4 hours at a time, give them alcohol or laudanum to sedate them, or tether the mobile ones to our looms while we work so they don’t wander off.

I’m sure the OP can, is and will cope raising a healthy child under her present circumstances but the issue is that it is a shame she is having to do it with so little support. With hindsight it would have been better to plan for the father to be there to support, either by him taking parental leave, her moving to London for a period, or him commuting, given he isn’t on operational duties in the armed forces.

What @SilverTotoro said. Accept that this is the way they are and get organised with the ordering nappies, join NCT, network of mums etc.. I had to bring up my two with very little support from my mum and minuscule help from MIL.
It became easier for me emotionally and practically when I didn't rely on family.

Does your husband stay away during the week?

Did he take paternity leave?

WRT the nappies, if I was you I'd either use reusables so you never run out, or make sure you have at least one unopened pack at all times.

This.

Having had wonderful support from both my mum and MIL with both children I feel for you, and I don’t think you are being unreasonable one bit!

Wow, what’s agitated you? Have you actually bothered to read the post? She says she knows there is no obligation for her mother to do anything, nor is she demanding it, but her mother is inconsistent at a time she really needs the help. Her mother is also suggesting to others that she’s very hands on. The OP is asking whether she’s being unreasonable in feeling dismayed by this - at what stage did she ever invite a pile on of hate towards her mother? You sound triggered, most likely someone that was called out for not being there for a family member when they needed it.

You sound like my mum @DoraWhoExplores amazing, kind, helpful, nothing is too much trouble (not that I’m always asking for help) I couldn’t ask for a more wonderful mother and my father is the same. Both amazing parents, grandparents and we have a fantastic relationship. I had help from both parents after my c-sec when my husband went back to work as it went wrong and I was in agony for months, could hardly even hold my son without it hurting (he was very large) my parents were a godsend and I feel sorry for those who don’t have the same @bubbleaf It’s a shame your mum isn’t like this but I have friends and family members in similar situations. One of my cousins got little support from her parents and has said my mum is like her second mum and really supported her when she had her first child. Unfortunately everyone and every family is different. Was she particularly maternal when you were growing up? Like another person said, try and build your network of friends or family who might be more child inclined, not everyone is and you’ll get a lot of posters on here moaning about entitled behaviour. It’s not entitled when you don’t take advantage and the help is offered - obviously all circumstances are different. Do you have a MIL who might be able to be more heavily involved with your daughter?

I've been in a very similar position to you. I had no help whatsoever and my DH has a long commute, travels and works in London. It was a real struggle. I learned not to ask, and a good friend taught me not to have expectations, and so avoid disappointment.

As others have said, network with friends and trade favours, support each other. That is all you can do.

It was a real struggle for me at times. I've been at A&E with one DC, and bouncing the other on my knee for hours, with no one to call to help me. I was once so ill when my DH was oversees, I told my eldest that if I didn't wake up feeling better he had to go to a neighbour to call an ambulance.

Now my DC are older, and can drive and I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders. They can ferry themselves around, and go the shop for me. Hooray.

On the other hand GP's complain they never see us or our DC, that we don't bother with them. It's not that I am angry and spiteful with them or anything, I just don't owe them anything, including my time. My DC have little relationship with them.

Personally the thing I want most in the next stage of my life, is loads of GC, and the gift of my children and their partners letting me be a part of their life which includes emptying bins with nappies in (recent thread), stocking up freezers with lasagnas for them, and of course, cuddles and loads of love.

It's not on for her to be boasting about how a fabulous help she is.

It's pretty normal for grandchildren to go to the grandparents house for childcare I think. My mum helps with my boys but usually it's in her own house - she knows where everything is, how everything works, she gets the boys to help her with the garden, etc etc. I don't really see the issue with you going there as long as you can drive - babies are very portable, trust me it's more difficult when they get older and you're begging them to get their shoes on!

You were being U expecting her to drop what she was doing one evening and run out and buy nappies. It's one thing to ask her to get nappies the next time she goes to the shop, it's a very different thing to ask her to go out and get them immediately.

We get absolutely no help from grandparents on either side (for different reasons). That doesn't bother me in the slightest.

One side believe they're grandparents of the century. That really gets my goat!!!!

Have a discussion with her about how she has not been as helpful as she believes and state your reasons, beyond that there's not much you can do apart from stop asking for help cos you'll only be disappointed.

Is your dad around op?

What about your in laws?

OP - YANBU

I am a DGM and I love being involved and part of my DGCs lives. I found your post quite sad, your mother only wants to be involved on her terms. All you can do, is accept this is how she is, she will not change.....

This is my mum! Seems to tell everyone what an amazing grandparent she is and how much she helps me.

But the support is awful and pretty useless, probably only see her every 3 months but some how she’s still a super involved GP.

Sometimes I think it’s more how she’s perceived by others than the actual truth