if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

I literally said she most likely would be in that the average age of menopause was 52 in one of my posts?

She is most likely menopausal - in the state of menopause - at 59 that is most likely.

I can't believe you're arguing that a woman of almost 60 wouldn't be in menopause.

That certainly doesn't describe my experience and I've had 3 children.

There is no definitive start/end age. Sounds like you got lucky. My mother started hers in her early 60s with severe severe symptoms she never came out of. I can only hope I dont take after her and have a shorter easier time of it.

Only read the first few posts because I'm too tired to read more. Yes I'm in my 50s and work ft so I am asleep by 9pm and no use to anyone after I get home at 6pm

But

I look after my dd and dgk whenever I'm asked. I do anything for my kids and their kids and they do the same for me. Now I'm tired and ill with various ailments but I still say yes to babysitting. My dd has stopped asking as much and relies on friends and her sibling a bit more as she knows my BP is high. Her in laws never help.

But

I was a single parent for 10 years with only my sister to help out. I had friends who helped but no mother. So I think anyone who can't cope alone with 1 baby is a bit of a wimp tbh 😬

Helping and supporting families is two way with adult children. It's nice to be kind and helpful but it's up to you to do the childcare and make sure you have nappies in!
I had no grandparents to help at all and had to take the babies shopping etc it's quite normal!
But it would be nice if your mum was around to spend time with you both just don't think it should be an expectation she helps out in ways you direct if that makes sense.

In families

Average age is 52. Average length for symptoms 4 or 5 years so very good chance she would have finished. Anyway, severely debilitating symptoms are certainly not experienced by the majority of women.

I’m sorry OP that your mother isn’t more supportive and I completely understand why you’re disappointed.

I can't believe how cold and dismissive you are of menopause and symptoms and are still arguing that a woman of 59 wouldn't be menopausal.

OP, I sympathise with you. We had to move house for my husbands work, when DS was 2. We left our entire support system (friends and DH's family) and relocated 3 hours away. Before we moved we spoke (at length) with my mum about childcare and what support we would need.we even ran our choice in nursery by her to check she would be happy to drive the distance to collect DS, as I work shift work. Since we have lived here we have been out for dinner once, in 2.5 years, despite my mum saying she would happily have DS whenever we needed. She made him a bedroom at her house, but never ever offers to have him stay over. I now have DD, who is a Velcro baby who DOES. NOT. SLEEP and my mum has not done a single thing to help us. My PIL drove 6 hours with a cool box of dairy free dinners cooked and frozen for us. My mum? Came and sat on the sofa and watched DS play for 2 hours the left again, leaving all her dirty plates/cup on the kitchen side for me to load into the dishwasher. Yet she tells everyone how much we have needed her help and how much she does for us. It makes me so cross and so sad that I just don't have the same experience as a lot of my friends, but I also have to accept that it's just the way she is, and she actually doesn't want to help the way I want her to.

So you're lecturing me on menopause and you haven't been through it yourself. 60s would be very late to start menopause and unusual that she never came out of it.

There is no evidence that she is suffering debilitating symptoms from menopause.

My mother never came out of it either until she died in her mid-70's. She developed extreme fatigue and had hot flushes until she died.

There is evidence that she is very tired by 4pm, which from my experience and that of my family members and friends is very common in menopause.

Looking after a baby is hard work, really knackering. I remember not getting a chance to eat a meal, every drink went cold, sleep didn't get beyond 1 hour shifts. My own experience was it was very isolating and I had post natal depression.

It's not unreasonable or entitled to expect your own mother to help a little.

The snippy posts telling the op to be more organised and not run out of nappies etc just show how much society dismisses the very real challenges of becoming a parent to a small baby. It's very sad.

Wow, so all of those of my friends and family who started menopause much later than 52 and endured extreme fatigue, brainfog (and the rest) for much longer than that (well beyond 59) are all liars then for not conforming to your statistical averages.
Just wow.

It's interesting that so many here are so dismissive of menopause. I thought there were campaigns to change attitudes towards menopause. It seems more work needs to be done.

It is strange that all of your friends were outside statistical average.

My mum kind of does this. She'll tell me
How much harder she had it and deny she ever had support (she had loads) and will harp on about how much she's helped me when she hasn't. However, it's the way she is 🤷🏼‍♂️ I just have to move on,

My kids are 12/16 now and I've never had family nearby for support or last minute help eg nappies. Unfortunately it's crap but accepting it makes it easier.

Why are you inferring people are lying?

My friends that I talk to it about have ALL had a hard time in one way or another - fatigue, needing HRT to sort hormonal symptoms, hot flushes, brain fog, skin itching, being cold all the time, putting on weight - I could go on and on.

It's not something that has ever been talked about and I find the dismissing of a woman in her late 50's being tired as being to do with her being a secret drinker, rather than having menopausal symptoms really interesting.

Hi, 64 year old grandma here. My first grandchild will be 1 next week, and starting nursery as mum has to go back to work. He’ll be at nursery 4 days a week and his two grannies will have him for one day on alternate weeks. Regarding your mum preferring to be in her own home I totally get that, and I’ll be picking up my grandson and bringing him here so he gets to spend a day in grannies house and garden. I’m hoping one day he’ll have happy memories of these days, and I’ll feel more comfortable here with my things around me for the day.
I realise that your baby is still much younger, so this could be why it seems your mum hasn’t done much, but there really hasn’t been a lot of chance yet maybe? I’m sure quite rightly you’re very wrapped up in your baby, which may not give your mum a chance to do more? I know as my grandchild got older the opportunities to do something helpful became greater.
As for having a cut off time of 4.00pm, maybe you’ll just have to accept that. everyone’s stamina is different, and maybe mentally or physically that’s as much as your mum can manage.
Id say try to be happy with what she can give, though I do get that the boasting of how helpful she is could get irritating.
However small the bits of help are try and accept them gracefully, you may find when your little one is older she’ll come into her own.
Congratulations by the way 😊

I am not lying.
I had a very close relationship with my mother and was was there through a lot of it, my memories are real. We all have PCOS which we think accounts for late menopausal start ages in our family and periods throughout our 50s.
I cannot believe your cheek

@Clowninja I feel the same.... also PCOS in my family. And I'm not lying either.

You had your sister and friends helping you — so rather a lot more help than most people get — then say someone who can't manage with no help is a wimp...

I just don't understand why it's the OP's mother who is getting it in the neck, rather than her husband or indeed her MIL or her FIL or her own father.

Well we know OP’s husband is at work but is hands on when home. Perhaps her father is isn’t around, or perhaps he does as little as her mother- but he doesn’t boast about how much he helps. The PIL may live further away or, because OP has less of a relationship with them, they are not so disappointing.

and the attitude towards a woman in menopause who says she's tired and therefore must be an alcoholic secret drinking is shocking.

Being tired is one thing, being unable to do anything after 4 pm because you’re tired is another. While drinking hadn’t occurred to me, it’s food for thought!