if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

OP isn't that young and her mother isn't old. She also probably won't be going through the menopause if she's 59.

The menopause is the period of life a woman has after her menses have finished. The average age for periods to stop is something like 52. It is highly likely that the op's mother is in menopause. (I am almost there at 52 - haven't had a period in 5 months)

She's likely to be past menopause.
Most women are still working at her age. And they don't get to finish at 4 because they're tired.

Come on now..if she had a serious medical condition that makes her too tired to do anything with or for OP at 4pm, I suspect OP would know.

Her mum has the right not to be involved, but let's not all back up her fairly pathetic excuses as if they're entirely rational.

I finish work at 4 quite often. I start at 7 or 7.30. And yes I'm tired by then

You aren't menopausal for your entire life after your menses have finished. OP’s mother will very probably be post menopause by now.

I completely disagree with you here. By 59 she has most probably started it. Some women are stuck in it for 14 years and it is debilitating for some.

My own MIL would be in bed by 5pm for years, I remember years ago we had to arrange celebration meals as lunches instead of dinners if we wanted her to enjoy herself and be in top form. Babysitting for the dear lady would be completely out of the question unless we dropped DC off at hers for an hour or so earlier in the day.

My message was for you @WomblingTree86 for your earlier comment

I have a similar situation with my DF and his partner, they tell people how helpful and involved they are in our lives and they really have very little to do with us.
they have very occasionally had my kids (maybe once a year) but it’s always on their terms and it has never been to help me out, it’s more because they fancy doing something fun. Mainly they come round every few weeks and sit in my kitchen, ignoring my kids, drinking tea and complaining about their very nice lives.
i remember it really pissed me off when he went round telling people how helpful he’d been after birth of 2nd DC and he literally took my eldest to the park ONCE for about an hour.
my mum died many years ago and I feel so sad not having her around even for just moral support.
it used to get on my nerves and I used to feel a bit sorry for myself that I didn’t have grandparents to help me. But me and DH have just got used to it (my eldest is 9 now and we have 3 kids). We manage everything between us which is difficult because we both have busy jobs and DH is often not here. So I feel your pain with things like nappy runs with kids in tow, it’s really hard.
My relationship with my dad has really suffered because my life completely revolves around my kids and since he’s not really interested in them I don’t really have anything else to say to him.

There's enough evidence now actually that it involves as major changes to the brain as adolescence does. A big proportion of mothers experience poor mental health as a result as well as physical health issues and many births are, in fact, traumatic. And people were more able to 'get on with it' when there was more social support.

Menopausal means after the menses have finished.

1. menopausal - relating to, characteristic of, or undergoing the menopause.
2. "menopausal symptoms"

The menopause being the state once the menses have stopped.

Some women sail through and some have bothersome symptoms for the rest of their lives.

I am constantly exhausted and I have such arthritis and aches and pains. And I cannot for the life of me get my head around that other women think I'm making that up and I'm a secret drinker if I go from what has been said here.

I agree. I'm really struggling - I'm sitting here right now aching all over, I'm shattered and I've just clicked the heating on for an hour (and yes, I have a jumper on before anyone suggests that)

My own mother had hot flushes and symptoms that bothered her until she died in her mid-70s

I couldnt believe my eyes when I read that either!!!!!
First she said she wouldn't have started menopause at 59, and now she says she's finished it

Perhaps he does, or perhaps he's dead or absent, who knows. The OP has posted about how hurt she feels that her mother doesn't show care for her, so this thread is about that.

He's not dead. The op says he works away in London in the week.

He's not absent. She says he does a lot at the weekend.

He should add making sure that there are nappies to the list.

I love the fact that people are so dismissive of childbirth and the sleep deprivation that can go with looking after a baby by yourself, but then make a huge deal out of menopause, especially when they don't even know if she is going through menopause.

Oh sorry, I misread that as about OP's father. OP says her husband works away, but does a lot of parenting at the weekend. Obviously it takes more than two people to look after a child and earn an income, that's why most societies for time immemorial have shared childcare among many adults at once.

I have never been dismissive of any of the challenges of looking after a baby.

I just don't understand why it's the OP's mother who is getting it in the neck, rather than her husband or indeed her MIL or her FIL or her own father.

and the attitude towards a woman in menopause who says she's tired and therefore must be an alcoholic secret drinking is shocking.

100% agree

Are you referring to my post? I didn't say she wouldn't have started menopause. I said she probably would be post-menopausal by now. What makes you think I know nothing about menopause? I'm in my late 50s so have certainly experienced it as have most of my friends.

Again, how do you know she is "in menopause"?

Where did I say she wouldn't have started menopause yet?

I don't understand why she has to be tired or menopausal to justify not leaving her house after working all day for something that isn't an unsolvable emergency. It doesn't make her selfish, unfit, a drinker (also so what if she wants the odd vino on an evening and so can't drive for emergency nappies for a grandchild that she doesn't live with).

If OP was, I needed to go to A&E and dm wouldn't have the baby then I'd get it. But it's not an emergency that deliveroo wouldn't solve or even a ton of muslim until the babies dad came home with them.

Because they're extremely sleep-deprived to the point of breakdown, babies cry if you put them down for a second, it takes hours to get out if the house and the baby poos the moment you step out of the door, breastfeeding is physically and emotionally shattering, you can't carry shopping and a baby simultaneously, you end up isolated as it's hard to get anywhere and friends aren't about and you're too tired to do much, the exhaustion makes every task incredibly difficult, the baby needs constant care so you never get a moment to pause...

Were you not aware of any of this or are you just being provocative?!

My baby years were not like this in the slightest!