if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

@Zebedee55 "Why? Because a mother can't get a delivery organise and then expects a relative to run around getting things?

Hmmm, over entitled or what?"

Nope. Because a mother screwed up ONCE and asked for help ONCE. I'd pick up a packet of nappies for someone I hardly knew. Never mind my daughter!

As a middle-aged woman with adult children I don't know what you mean by “paid their dues”. Who made this rule, what are the “dues”, and how do you know if they've been paid? Grandparents have looked after grandchildren throughout history if they could and in many countries, it's still absolutely expected. It's probably been important for the survival of the human race and possibly a large reason why women stop reproducing themselves in middle age.

The grandparent doesn't have disabilities and if it wasn't a quick trip to the shop for her it certainly wouldn't be for the OP.

There seems to be this feeling that childbirth is some sort of major trauma

Yep, on Mumsnet at least, I've noticed this shift towards childbirth being an act of heroism, with a whole lot of dramallama-ism implying that every birth brings a woman close to death with a baby being 'torn from her body'...etc...etc.

It didn't used to be like that (and hopefully isn't in real life). Most people just get on with it, recognising that it's a huge thing for themselves, but really just what pretty every living mammal does.

Never asked her "why" so I don't know, guess she just didn't fancy it. She raised her own 5 dc, it wasn't offered and as I didn't expect it or feel entitled to it was never something I questioned and everyone was happy with that.

My dad, MIL, FIL never significantly helped either. Never acted out revenge on them on their old ages either!

Since when was giving birth some insignificant thing that women just got on with? Women used to die frequently in childbirth and still do in some parts of the world.

We don't know if the mum has any disabilities and we don't know how far away she lives from the op. It might not be a quick trip.

Maybe OPs mum feels she has raised her own children to adulthood and wants to live what is left of her own life without taking on workload from her children's life choices - that is not unreasonable.

Maybe OPs mum is just a crap mum - some mums aren't great, and if emotionally OP doesn't not feel that attachment to her mum it will show in their relationship throughout her life.

Either way, not getting childcare should not be a sole reason for abandoning a parent in old age. It is way more complex than that and posters casually throwing out statements like that imply they can get their revenge for lack of childcare show an unattractive part of themselves.

YANBU

OP has said the grandmother doesn't live far away and I'm sure she would have mentioned it if the grandmother had disabilities as it would be very relevant.

I don't think OP is asking for a lot of childcare. She is just hoping for some help every now and then. If a parent refuses to lift a finger just because they don't feel like it even when their child is desperate, it’s going to impact on their relationship and that could have an effect on how helpful OP is to her mother in the future. You reap what you sow.

She certainly sounds like she could be more helpful, but she sounds "alright". Do you think she's putting in rules like "No meetups after 4" and "I won't come to your house" because she's worried that you'll lean on her too much - more than she can cope with, or perhaps more than she can be bothered with? I'm not judging btw maybe she's right to worry! Or does she consistently not visit other people's homes and not socialise after 4pm?

What would happen if you suggested a fixed bit of help - by which I mostly mean company - which is more than what she does now. E.g. going round to hers for the day every Tuesday. Or even staying over at hers one night a week.

Some people, I'm sorry to say, just don't see the need to help people even in an emergency even though they'll happily take help. I had what I thought was a close friend refuse to drive me to hospital when I was having a suspected heart attack (very much not to the sort of person to panic/make a fuss) as she just couldn't be bothered! Obviously we're no longer friends as I saw a side of her I had previously missed, but you can't do much if your mum is also this type.

Im often amazed by how much help people expect when they have a baby, as if it can't possibly be managed by just mum & dad or even just mum.

I had none of my family close by when i had DS. Dh worked long hours and was almost never home for the baby's bedtime. It was hard and i was very tired a lot, especially if we'd had a bad night but isn't that to be expected with a young baby? it was only really a few months and with one baby you can nap when the baby does (this doesn't work when you've got older ones besides, admittedly!!).

Im always amazed when people are seeing mum/dad/pil every single week and then grumbling they've not had much help?!

No but you can start to feel tired and health issues be creeping in. Since doing intermittent fasting and revamping my diet, my energy levels are better, but not to the point were I'd want to be in your situation. It's the whole thing, kids TV, role play etc etc, I'm starting to feel like I want my time. It's possibly different if you are just doing it first time around. The Mother is entitled to say that she's feeling tired and set her boundaries. Unless the OP did run TTC past her and there were promises made. I don't want children under five in my life, which is why I've made my position clear on helping if she has another.

This and many left with life-altering injuries even in western countries. It’s only in the past few years that incontinence due to childbirth has been talked about. Some have even died days or weeks after childbirth due to complications that weren’t picked up or they were just getting on with it and not realising they needed to go back to the hospital.

Bot every woman will have a severe complication but there is enough that do where there should be more support and not making it a competition on who gets on with it best.

I am not really interested in showing the attractive part of myself, I feel like showing the unattractive part! So sue me!

They did and still do in some places. But I'm talking about mumsnetters (well some of them) who make incredibly dramatic posts about their heroism in becoming a mother, and expect a massive amount of care and attention from everyone, because they're super special.

I'm not saying that childbirth and the neonatal period aren't hard, but the hyperbole here can be ridiculous sometimes.

I had no-one but my husband to help me after my births and through the baby stages, due to moving away from our families. Most of my friends were the same, having moved to my bit of commuterville for jobs. So yes, doing early motherhood without family help.is far from impossible, and really not traumatic. If you don't have family, you make connections with other mums and build your own support network.

I have and am no more tired after 4pm than I am first thing in the morning. I think she’s the worse for wear not tired.

Such a disappointment when the first point is a nasty, judgemental one.

Why did you even comment on this thread, @Luxell934 ?

Simply to take out your frustrations and project them on to OP.

I think it's incredibly judgemental to think that someone is the worse for wear when they say they are tired. I never realised that people would think that of me saying I was tired and I'm actually really upset to realise this is what people assume.

op u are defo not being unreasonable, sure ur mum isnt being the most helpful person around and totally get it, she didn't ask for a
grandchild, has brought her kids up bla bla but....seriously yeah she could do more if she really wanted to. other mums are more helpful than your mum but well u know where u stand with her. but it would annoy the hell out of me when she's telling everyone how helpful she is when she done next to eff all so i get u, but just u hold ur head up, u know u are doing a good job with minimum help, so give ur self a break and when people start saying how helpful your mum is, tell them the truth.
btw my own mum minds my kids after school twice a week for an hour not even, and i pay her exactly what i would anyone else.

However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

She’s a cheeky twat. Stop meeting her for coffee and start building up a network with other mums.

Don’r ask for her help and when she starts on the Mother Teresa schtick, laugh and say ‘I’d hardly call a weekly coffee help’.

I haven't specifically looked at any posts regarding childbirth but actually I think it's not a bad thing if women are treated with special care if they've just gone through childbirth. It can be quite a traumatic experience for many and dismissive posts like yours are very unhelpful. Just consider that while it may have been hard for you not all experiences are the same and it may have been even harder for some other women.

This.
So many replies think the mother is lying. Menopause really sucks the life out of some unlucky women. Some glide through it full of energy and some get knocked down hard. It's really disappointing to read other women not being more supportive of others' genuine tiredness/ailments claims this day and age.