if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

"Why is it not ok to want to be a regular carer and not be able to offer emergency help?"

I don't think she's being expected to be a regular carer. And it's not OK to refuse emergency help to anyone. Especially not a new parent. Especially when the emergency help involves a quick trip to the shop.

How do you know that the nappy trip was a quick trip to the shop though @CurlewKate ?

I have refused emergency help to people and I would do so again. I'm not being horrible, but I think it's a bit odd to say it's never ok to refuse emergency help. NEVER ok. And especially if that person is a new parent.

I have disabilities - there's times when I genuinely am unable to help - even with a quick trip to the shops for a new parent. But apparently that's never ok - WTF?

Not sure which way voting goes so didn't vote. I'm the same as your mum and regularly have my 6 year old grandson to stay to give his parents some time off. I'm currently at their's helping get them ready to move and to sort out my in-laws stuff before they leave as we need an empty house so some stuff will come to us.

I've been involved since he was tiny and have at times been up with him all night or early in the morning.

How can you mother be tired baby 6 unless her health is poor or she has a very physical job.

But it's not not being a 'resilient independent adult' to need support looking after a baby. It isn't natural or at sll easy to look after one alone. It's supposed to be done with the support of a family and community. It seems very odd and judgemental to pretend otherwise.

My DM is the same, has helped with my children twice in 20 years for weddings, so overnight etc. - which was very appreciated but that’s it. She tells everyone she’s a huge help, including in front of me. It’s infuriating that she wants everyone to see her as something she isn’t and as offering something she doesn’t. I don’t think you are entitled - you’re just struggling with the dissonance between what your DM says she does and your actual experience of her.

Why is the judgement on the op's mother, not on her husband? He's the one with equal responsibility for making the baby - if it's not working on whatever level and the op needs more support then he needs to start stepping up first and foremost.

Well yes, but it very severely affects the health of many of them and isn't good for their children either. It's absolutely horrific that we live in a society where they're left to struggle and suffer. Any decent human being would ant to help them.

Nobody I knew would have dreamed of calling for help with one unsettled baby going through the witching hour. Let alone moaning about not getting help other than a dad of course ....yes people helped but it wasn't the norm to slag people off for not getting help or to expect it as a right.

I have my granddaughter 4 days a week from 7.30 am until 4.30 and by Friday I am tired. I also help out weekends and bath gd every other night . I often go shopping with my daughter to help out, do her ironing and any other ad hoc chores while she works when I am looking after Gd. It’s hard work but extremely rewarding. It all depends on how close and caring you are with your family. I feel lucky to have so much contact with my family and also lucky to be retired so that I can help out. We are all different. When my daughter no longer needs me to help I would like to offer help to other young mums as I can see how much a struggle life is for them.

I would say its OK to not want to do it, but it is still shit. If people want to be am unhelpful relative then that's fine, but don't tell everyone you're not!

If you ask a friend to help because you are up to your eye balls with stress and they say no when they can clearly do it, you would probably be a bit miffed. Why is that not an acceptable way to feel about a relative, especially if they are telling the world they are doing a lot of the work, which in a way, minimises how hard the daughter is working.

I think there are a lot of older mums on here trying to justify their lack of support for their own kids. It is totally their children's responsibility, yes, but it is nice to be supportive and help. My parents were pretty good despite working still. In laws didn't work and were shit really. Barely involved. Their perogative, but it's still pretty shit and says a lot about them. They weren't great parents by OH's account though, so maybe there is a pattern.

I think the issue here is the mother lying to everyone really as that is pretty dishonest and unfair on the OP who is doing it all.

It’s been a thing for years. Not for me as my parents were gone before DS was born. But I now live in a small town where loads of grandparents live locally and help out. They did 30 years ago when I moved here and they still do now!

Of course your dm doesnt need to help but as your mum, I would expect her to want to help you.

I should add that I don't dislike in laws. They are OK people and fine to chat to. Just shit parents and grandparents, but otherwise fine if you take them at face value. That's life really. For some people that's what you get.

It's the way op disbelieved her mother could be too tired that annoys me how the hell would a young woman know how exhausted an older woman going through menopause, aging, medical changes etc may or may not be and belittling it while moaning she can cope herself.

Yes, it is ok. No one has to help anyone. It's a favour, not an obligation. With nappies, just get them delivered. 🙄

"Yes, it is ok. No one has to help anyone. It's a favour, not an obligation. With nappies, just get them delivered."

Of course it's a favour not an obligation. And of course some people are dickheads.

Abdolutely. The only ones responsible for a baby are the two people that produced said child.

I don't know when it all got so difficult. There seems to be this feeling that childbirth is some sort of major trauma. It's not - people have been doing it since humankind become.

If you can't get out to buy nappies, milk, whatever, then get it delivered,

Compared to years ago, with no deliveries, it's simple now.

Why? Because a mother can't get a delivery organise and then expects a relative to run around getting things?

Hmmm, over entitled or what?🙄

I agree with this completely, as someone who has two young kids and a mother of a similar age who is living with stage 4 cancer. At any time her mother could become unwell, like mine has, and weekly meet ups may often then not be possible. Where is the compassion towards the people who cared for and raised us?

Maybe it's the small town thing. My parents and in laws, were either dead or in the process when I had young children, meaning I was the carer to them as they deteriorated alongside caring for 2 disabled siblings with a husband who worked 6am to 10 pm 6 days a week you just get on with it if you get any help your thankful but expecting it as a new entitlement or winging is weird

Yes, it is childish and spiteful.
People seem to forget that their mum already paid her dues by raising THEM. For that she deserves respect and help in her old age.

I find it offensive that middle-aged and older women are constantly expected to drop their own lives and devote themselves to servicing people who have reproduced.

Presumably the newborn child has TWO parents, and they should be doing the bulk of the work. Grandma can wish the family well, without becoming their unpaid servant.

However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

Ask her for recent examples and point out how much “help” she actually gives.

Many grandparents boast like this because they think no one is going to correct or question them out of politeness, respect, or both.

My own DH has corrected his mother, especially when she said something about taking our sons for a weekend and he pointed out she has never offered to ever take them for even a few hours so how would she and his dad manage for an entire weekend. She had no answer and quickly changed the subject. This had been during a time where it had been maybe three years since we asked for help and the last time we had, she changed her mind minutes before we were leaving so we ended up having to take sons (3&1) with us because it was too late to cancel.

Your not alone op , my dm hates minding my kids it puts her out too much , she was young having me and had lots of help from the grand parents so you would think she would understand. Not a lot you can do unfortunately but it sucks

Why did your mum not help you significantly with your dc?

Maybe you didn't need or want her support @NoTouch. The OP is saying that she would like her mother's support and feels she needs it. Maybe you received a level of care and attention from your mother in other ways that enabled you to be so independent and resilient that you didn't need or want to ask for help when it came time to have children. From your post it seems you have a good relationship with your mother, and whether she helped with your children or not, I get the impression that you feel that she cared for you and your wellbeing growing up That does not particularly seem the case here - "emotional care" is not her mother's thing the OP says. Some of us have not had optimum mothering, we hope one day our mothers will step up and when they don't (again) it's very hurtful. That is why I think it is important to take a hard line with mothers like these ie.if you're not going to care for me then I am not going to care for you. Why should we?