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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

578 replies

bubbleaf · 03/08/2023 10:57

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

OP posts:
Bigminnie1 · 03/08/2023 15:34

And ignore people who are making you feel guilty for wanting some help- especially if you had a c-section.

Holly60 · 03/08/2023 15:34

MavisChunch29 · 03/08/2023 11:55

Meant to say I can't imagine asking her to run out to get nappies.

Gosh can't you? When I had mine I can think of at least 6 people off the top of my head who I could have asked to pop to the shop for me in a nappy emergency. My adult DD is the same thankfully.

It's nice when you feel like you have backup. I feel really sorry for the people on this thread who obviously never had any support whatsoever - I can't imagine bringing up my children in those circumstances - there was always someone willing to help out. And in turn I was also more than willing to do the same for anyone

LilyPark · 03/08/2023 15:34

situationalwashing · 03/08/2023 15:22

Which is why I have made provision for care for myself and for decisions regarding same to be made by a professional. I don't expect my children to take that on.

Show quote history

Ok well in that case you are very lucky to be in the financial situation to be able to do that. The majority of people are not and need to rely on family support and/or state support.

CecilyP · 03/08/2023 15:34

The op hasn't said how far away her mother is. She could have got deliveries. She could have used reusable nappies, she could have got her husband to get extra with the shopping. She should have discussed all this before she got pregnant in the circumstances where her husband works away all week.

She hasn't said specifically but it sounds from everything else she said, that her mum is fairly local. Admittedly, she could have got a delivery and maybe that is what she eventually did. She couldn't just magic up reusable nappies if she was never planning to use them. I'm not sure her husband does work away all week - could just be he has a longish commute to London and arrives home quite late.

phoenixrosehere · 03/08/2023 15:34

situationalwashing · 03/08/2023 15:30

The op says in her first post:

Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

Show quote history

I read it as three examples of her mother not being able to help her otherwise why would she say she asked once?

Holly60 · 03/08/2023 15:37

@situationalwashing I'd think if my DD phoned me at midnight asking me to get some nappies it would be a need rather than a want.

But equally, they know they can phone me about just about anything and if I possibly can, I'll help. If I can't do it myself there is often someone else I can call to step in.

CecilyP · 03/08/2023 15:43

situationalwashing · 03/08/2023 15:22

Which is why I have made provision for care for myself and for decisions regarding same to be made by a professional. I don't expect my children to take that on.

Show quote history

If you go into a care home, everything will be provided for you. However, there is a in-between stage where things could become very hard with no family support.

situationalwashing · 03/08/2023 15:45

CecilyP · 03/08/2023 15:43

If you go into a care home, everything will be provided for you. However, there is a in-between stage where things could become very hard with no family support.

Show quote history

I don't have any family here except one daughter. I am not prepared to put that on her.

I'm sure my life will be hard, but it is already so that's not any difference.

CecilyP · 03/08/2023 15:48

situationalwashing · 03/08/2023 15:30

The op says in her first post:

Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

Show quote history

She meant 3 examples of her mums unhelpfulness, not 3 examples of running out of nappies.

Sallyh87 · 03/08/2023 15:48

Deliveroo do nappies in an emergency.

FrenchandSaunders · 03/08/2023 15:51

If she's exhausted by 4pm at 59 then she should see a doctor IMO. That's not normal. She's not 80. Does she like a drink OP ... just wondered if she cracks open the wine after 4pm ... and hence couldn't drive at 6pm for nappies. Just a thought, might be completely wrong there.

My mum, as much as I loved her, didn't give me much support when I had twins and DH went back to work. She couldn't drive, so I had to go to hers, fair enough. But she'd sit chatting whilst I fed one baby a bottle and the other cried in her car seat. Wouldn't think to pick her up and feed her, or even cuddle her.

I'd offer help to a stranger in a cafe in this situation so i can't get my head around why my own mother behaved like this. She improved a bit as they got older and she could interact with them.

I'd just make peace with it OP as it'll only hurt you.

CecilyP · 03/08/2023 15:54

CurlewKate · 03/08/2023 15:28

Mumsnet is generally very weird about doing things for other people. The assumption is always that you should refuse unless there is no other option. Personally, I think you should help unless you really can't. So if you've got the time, of COURSE you should pop out and get a packet of nappies for a new mother who's screwed up and run out. Why on earth shouldn't you??

Too right! I'd do it for a neighbour or even an acquaintance as long as they lived in my town. Even though I'm 10 years older than OP's mum and even if I was asked after 4 o'clock in the afternoon.

ODFOx · 03/08/2023 15:56

She has strong boundaries in place and is unable to offer emergency help (shopping after 6pm) and is unwilling to be a regular cater. That is OK and her prerogative.
Giving her friends the wrong impression about her level of involvement is weird but what would you gain by 'outing' her?

I think you need to build your 'village' with other Mums and just leave your own Mum out if it, as if she lived further away and wasn't there to call on.

gloriawasright · 03/08/2023 16:06

It's very, very difficult and disabling having full time care of a baby alone and it absolutely essential for maternal mental health and for the baby's wellbeing to avoid emotional stress.

100,000s of single parents would agree .but they just get on with it

jannier · 03/08/2023 16:07

Mutinyonthecrunchie · 03/08/2023 11:54

I don't get the being tired at 4pm unless there is a medical reason or she's working. But she is being a bit cheeky telling people what she does to be indispensible it makes her feel better. Not a big thing, irritating though when you know the truth.

Have you gone through the menopause yet?

CurlewKate · 03/08/2023 16:08

"She has strong boundaries in place and is unable to offer emergency help (shopping after 6pm) and is unwilling to be a regular cater. That is OK and her prerogative."
It might be her prerogative, but it absolutely not OK!

CatsSnore · 03/08/2023 16:12

Sorry but emergency help is ringing her mum and saying, dh can't get home and 111 have advised me to go to A&E. Or I'm on my way to pick dc up and there has been an accident on the motorway and I won't be there on time and dh is stuck on the train.

It's not getting nappies. OP if you use your emergency help quota up from your mum by asking for non emergency support then asking for real emergency help will be tricky.

SirVixofVixHall · 03/08/2023 16:13

I am the same age as your Mum but I still have dc at school. I do get really tired late afternoon, in my case because at the moment I am not sleeping well, and I also have an autoimmune condition that makes me tired generally. I have had that for a long time though.
I still do things for my dc after four pm , and I hope I will be able help my dd as much as possible when she has a baby. However, my own Mum was too elderly and unwell, and also too far away, to help me at all when I had babies. Lots of people aren’t lucky enough to have hands on parents, I think having them is a privilege rather than something one can expect.
In your place I would ask her why she tells people she helps you when she doesn’t, as that seems to be what has upset you the most. Did your grandmother help with you at all ? Your Mum may have no idea how helpful some grandparents are. One of my best friends is a new grandmother , she has a v high powered and demanding job but her spare time (and her DH’s) revolves around helping care for their grandchild.

jannier · 03/08/2023 16:14

Why do so many expect help when they are parenting one baby and not working when did that suddenly become a thing? Yes someone popping in lending a hand while they had a cuppa was normal but the constant I need help never was .....where was DH in those first few days you can't drive?

Holly60 · 03/08/2023 16:16

Sallyh87 · 03/08/2023 15:48

Deliveroo do nappies in an emergency.

What a sad state of affairs that would be. When I had babies I could have asked any of my family members or my friends. My adult children thankfully have been able to do the same. It seems we have just been incredibly lucky 🤷‍♀️

Holly60 · 03/08/2023 16:18

jannier · 03/08/2023 16:14

Why do so many expect help when they are parenting one baby and not working when did that suddenly become a thing? Yes someone popping in lending a hand while they had a cuppa was normal but the constant I need help never was .....where was DH in those first few days you can't drive?

I can confirm (I had my babies in the eighties and they have had their babies) you are wrong.

I was always able to rely on a whole network for help and support. So were my friends and family (i know, because I helped them)

TriedTurningItOff · 03/08/2023 16:18

OP, please ignore the many unpleasant and gratuitously nasty responses in this thread. Yes, I'd want more from my mum, no, I and many others didn't get it. It doesn't make us bad for longing for more support at a hard time in our lives. And I can imagine that it grates to hear her say how very supportive she is. Your feelings are utterly valid. Just don't spoil what you do get by wishing for what you don't. Good luck to you.

situationalwashing · 03/08/2023 16:35

CurlewKate · 03/08/2023 16:08

"She has strong boundaries in place and is unable to offer emergency help (shopping after 6pm) and is unwilling to be a regular cater. That is OK and her prerogative."
It might be her prerogative, but it absolutely not OK!

Why is it not ok to want to be a regular carer and not be able to offer emergency help?

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 03/08/2023 16:39

I think whe she boasts about what a great help you should tell her straight what you think.

NoTouch · 03/08/2023 16:45

LilyPark · 03/08/2023 14:38

I would tell her that you don't find her attitude loving or helpful and that therefore she can expect the bare minimum of help from you if she needs help in her old age. Fair's fair. She can make her choices from there.

What ridiculously childish comment to make.

Fair enough to anyone who chooses what level of support they are willing to provide aging parents. Their choice.

But to make that choice, or abandon them, as a revenge because you are in a sulk because they didn't babysit your kids says a lot of the person.

My mum didn't help me significantly with my dc, of course I supported her in old age, she didn't ask and she didn't need to I did it because I loved her, enjoyed her company and she raised me and my siblings to be resilient independent adults, it wasn't her job to do the same with my children.

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