if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

It's a shame she isn't willing to help you out but you said at the beginning she's inconsistent. I would stop relying on her and find local friends you can lean on when needed eg for a nappy pick up emergency.

You can always use deliveroo or Tesco Whoosh or any other drudgery service which will get you nappies (and groceries) in about 30min.
Your mother has made her position clear. Yes it's annoying she thinks she is helpful - when she says this to you do you say anything?
There are loads of threads of people saying their mums or mils come to stay to 'help' but in reality expect to be waited on. As someone who had no help and whose husband also worked away you just get on with it, and either tell her sone home truths about her idea of 'help' or just let it go.

My last message was menat to be to @situationalwashing

And agreed she could use apps or online shopping, it's not really the point

Honestly you are so ageist.

Yes I have made plans to provide care for myself should I need it.

However, becoming dependent on other is not necessarily just a fact of ageing.

Becoming dependent on others: not necessarily so but quite likely. Not being ageist but these are just life facts unfortunately - what can I say? Ageing sucks

You said becoming dependent was just a fact of ageing. It's not.

You could become dependent on others in 30 seconds. Tomorrow. It's not just a fact of ageing.

And the fact that you might need help does not mean that your care needs pass onto your children.

Everyone should make plans for what they would do if they had a life changing medical incident or accident tomorrow and what they would do if they needed decisions made for them.

I have. And it isn't falling to my children.

The op hasn't said how far away her mother is. She could have got deliveries. She could have used reusable nappies, she could have got her husband to get extra with the shopping. She should have discussed all this before she got pregnant in the circumstances where her husband works away all week.

It is certainly not my experience that ageing sucks. That's a shame you feel that way.

@situationalwashing both my grandmothers lived to beyond 100. They were fine living independently till around their late eighties but from around 90 they needed a lot of help. That's about 12 years of quite intensive help that needs to come from somewhere. Just one example, but with longer life spans being the norm, it would be madness to ignore this.

Or maybe the child’s actual father can find another job that allows him to actively parent his child rather than relying on other women to pick up for him?

Which is why I have made provision for care for myself and for decisions regarding same to be made by a professional. I don't expect my children to take that on.

Also this.

My best friend is 68 and just become a gran for the first time and your post exactly describes what she is doing!

If my Dd asked me to fetch nappies multiple times I’d likely tell her to get a bit more organised.

I’d still go and get them though as I wouldn’t leave my grandchild uncomfortable just to make a point

I'm a grandmother.

If your mother is willing to help, but on the condition you bring the baby to her house, I don't understand why you don't compromise on this?

I think this is what a previous poster meant when they said you sounded a bit entitled - that you expect everything on your terms

Ageing, no. Becoming very old, like in your late 80s, life would be very hard if you you have no-one you can depend on.

Mumsnet is generally very weird about doing things for other people. The assumption is always that you should refuse unless there is no other option. Personally, I think you should help unless you really can't. So if you've got the time, of COURSE you should pop out and get a packet of nappies for a new mother who's screwed up and run out. Why on earth shouldn't you??

OP said she asked her mum once, other posters have made it out as if she had asked numerous times.

I feel perhaps you have missed the point I was making. I directly quoted the pp.

I've made plans, and I don't and won't expect my children to do anything - two of them aren't located in such a way as to be able to do so, and having done it for family members myself I do not think it's fair to expect family to take it on (and in my personal experience, it mostly falls to the women to do the unpaid work of caring, and that is sexist).

you are being obtuse. I'm older than OP's mother and if any of my adult DC asked me to pop to the shop to get them nappies I'd go.

I'd go at midnight if they needed me to. It's called being a decent parent.

To be honest if my neighbour who'd just had a baby asked me if I'd mind doing it, I'd go for her too. That's just being a decent human being.

The op says in her first post:

Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

But that’s because your dh is away all week, not because your dm doesn’t do a ton of stuff for you.

I think some people are just like this TBH. At 68 unless she has specific health issues ,then 4pm is a ridiculous time to be "too tired" I certainly feel she could have picked up your nappies!That said she may be careful of over committing herself and enjoy her retirement. I think she obv loves you and wants to help but sees herself doing more than she actually is!

It's certainly not typical of any of the grandparents I know. My parents were much much older, didn't live in London where we are and disabled but wanted to help in any way they could.
My in-laws (who were in their mid sixties when DD was born, and lived nearby, did and still do so much for us because they love looking after their grandchildren and helping wherever possible. As do all the other grandparents I know.

Your mother is only a few years older than me. Unless she is ill, I do not understand her behaviour and I don't blame you for being upset.

My DD has ordered nappies in the evening when she was alone via Uber 😂.

If they need you to or if they want you to and you are able?