if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

So presumably the child should apply that same logic to their father as they get older, seeing as he’s not around to help raise them?

The flat out sexism on the thread is depressing.

I am a 59 grandma and I cannot understand why people think you are unreasonable.I must be in the minority but will always help when I can !Anything to help my daughter whatever her age !

I think you are really asking a number of questions.
Does she have a right to be tired after 4pm? Yes
Is it ok she describes herself as indispensable to you?
No
Are you being reasonable expecting her to do more?
Yes
Was she being unreasonable questioning if you had completely run out of nappies or was just running low?
No

Obviously this just applies to women? Not men?

Ok that's fine, but are you expecting them to come visit you? What about if you lose mental capacity? Who would help then? My point is obviously that you can make provision for your old age but in the end you are going to be reliant on your kids to one degree or another, or if not that wwouldn't it be nice to know that they cared about your wellbieing and were willing to put themselves out for you in your old age.

Yep I agree that is a whole other can of worms, how men dodge the whole caring thing

Your mum just likes to tell people how great she is. She’s forgotten that by telling this lie, she is detracting from your hard work. But, just ignore her. People aren’t stupid, they’re probably thinking ‘if you’re such a great grandparent, why are you always here telling me about it instead of with your grandchild?’. Also, the photos don’t lie. I realised I don’t have any pics of family members with my DD… there’s a reason for that! In years to come, when she tries to spin the yarn, flick through all your pics and remind her of the reality.

My DH works away all week too, so I am also completely alone. My Mum comes to help one day a week, and stays all day. No other grandparents or family members have been of any use, whatsoever. So, tbh, your situation doesn’t sound uncommon. I have a few friends who have it worse than me, and a few who have it better.

wwouldn't it be nice to know that they cared about your wellbieing and were willing to put themselves out for you in your old age.

Very nice. Fortunately most people don’t base that on the amount of “help” they’ve received.

I don't expect my kids to come visit me. I expect that two of them certainly won't due to distance.

I have appointed a solicitor to take care of my affairs if I lack capacity, including make decisions for me - not my kids. I will not be reliant on my children when I am older.

I notice that you have missed out my question re the op's inability to use apps or the internet for home delivery.

59???most people are still working unless they are ill as you say.do any of you know any'older' peopleother than mums, dads, grandparents etc.??or do you all lump them in to the 50-90 age group and think 50 year olds danced to Elvis??
perhaps she is tired and cba and therefore you need to organise yourself.just a bitching session if you ask me

I'm guessing your mum wasn't in on the talks when you and your husband decided to have a baby? I'd assume you decided to have the baby with your husband, yet somehow here you are moaning that someone who wasn't consulted on whether they wanted to have a baby has someone moaning that they won't run out to get nappies?

If you are struggling so much (I'm not sure what's so hard?) you need to discuss this with your husband and father of your child, not your poor mother. Maybe him working away is the issue here? If your mum wants to feel tired at 4pm she can, she had her kids years ago, she's done with all that. This is yours and your husband's problem to deal with, grannies are there for the fun stuff not the shit bits of parenting they left behind 30 years ago. I say this as someone who has amazing parents, they help, but it's on their terms. If I ran out of nappies my mum would say the same and she'd be right there'd be a few nappies in bags or the back of the car if I looked. You need to be more organised if you can't manage to get to the shops yourself.

Well they should do. Why bother with someone who hasn't bothered with you? That's dysfunctional.

What would be the point of asking her mum? She already already knows her mum's opinion is that she is being mega-helpful! I don't think she is very helpful at all. I would think the majority of grandmothers (certainly ones who are only 59 and live locally) would be much more helpful. There is probably also a minority who would be less helpful.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me.

You have the measure of her, OP! However, it must be grating to hear her boasting about how helpful she is.

As a grandma of a 6mth old I am so sorry for your situation.. I'm sitting in a coffee shop with my precious GC whilst my DD is busy..
I work Monday Tuesday and Wednesday 7-7 and at 60yrs old am exhausted on Thursdays..but nothing could stop me having him...
Ignore negative comments..I read the full thread and it was aimed at grandparents...
So no you aren't unreasonable to be disappointed...
Sending hugs

Good grief OP. I’m done with Mumsnet. First the poster impersonating a grieving husband whose wife has passed away and now you are “entitled” as you are disappointed that your mum couldn’t help you out by nipping to the shops to get you nappies.

I haven’t rtft. Deliberately. I read the first reply and took a guess at which way the thread had gone. I’m 54 so not much younger than your mum. If you were my child, if help in any way I could and I’d be thrilled to be a nana. Over the moon thrilled. I’d be batch cooking and cleaning and washing and cleaning and cuddling that baby and cleaning.

your mum had a bit of a grip on the situation and saw it differently and acted accordingly?
No, she didn't. At all. My mother was a raging narcissist.

I think tbh a lot of people are forgetting that your DH works away in the week.

I very much remember being desperate for my OH to come home from work after 8 hours alone with the baby and that need to just give her to him so that someone else was responsible for this tiny bundle for just a little while so I could take a break and just be quiet and alone for a moment. I can't imagine having to have done it for a week at a time. So disregarding whether your mum is there or not you've got a tough job without anything else.

(I know single parents have to do this all the time but that is not OPs situation)

I think as your kids get older the memories of loneliness, exhaustion and pressure of a new baby definitely fade away and you are left with the lovely rose tinted memories of that time.

And meeting for a coffee once a week is not a break. It's another thing you have to organise yourself for. What you need in those difficult newborn months is your mum to come over, say I've got the baby for a couple of hours you go have a lie down. Doing that once a week would count as being a big help.

If she can't help after 4pm that's fair enough, but if she can meet you for coffee she could help in other ways earlier in the day. She could take a load of washing home with her. She could bring over a lasagne at lunch time for you to reheat later in the evening so you get to eat a home cooked meal instead of cold pizza.

I think it's fair for you to feel put out that she's telling it that way, because I imagine if it sounds like she's got everything handled it could put off people who would otherwise genuinely help you from offering.

Ok fair enough if you have enough money to provide decent care for yourself if you become very old and incapacitated, somebody will still have to organise it won't they? Isn't becoming dependent on others surely just a fact of ageing, however independent you would like to be or arrange to be?,

Everyone makes mistakes and assuming it’s a one off, most parents would help out in that situation if they could rather than being nasty about it.

I'm a grandmother and am lucky to be in good enough health to support my DD and her DH when they need an extra pair of hands. I did not have supportive parents and inlaws when mine were little so readily offer help for the things I wish I had been offered help with. If I behaved like your mother I would feel I had let my DD down.

In your shoes it wouldn't be the lack of help that would upset me most but her saying what a great help to you she is, which she quite clearly isn't.

The fact is that most older people (and obviously women tend to live much longer) will eventually be relying on the care of their children if they have them, and society comes down pretty hard on those children who don't help their ageiing parents when they need it.

I help my dd with shopping nappies bills kids etc but also I work and get up at 5.30 am most days , my daughter know what time i finish work and has to work with me if she needs help. once I go home I don’t go out again.

I agree with this.

OP you know your mother is delusional if she thinks she's helpful. Next time she comments about how helpful she is just tell her straight that she's not helpful.

She's 59 not 79 and I say that as a 59 year old myself so she's still of an age where she can be helpful if she wanted.

I completely disagree with this.