if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

No matter how shattered you are, you go and pick up nappies for your daughter with a young baby and no second adult around. Unless she has mobility issues/can't drive/had had a drink. It's kind of an emergency, no?

Some people are a bit shit OP, and you'll find out who they are when you have a baby. If she's otherwise a good person, just put it down to her not being very practical.

There's two sides to every story and we are only hearing yours.

It reminds me of when my sister had her DD. My mum (in her 60s) would travel three hours by train on her own every Sunday evening to childmind for my sister so she could go to work. She'd always take with her meals she'd prepared as well as cooking while there, washing, ironing, cleaning, tidying as well as childminding. She literally did everything! Sister claimed Mum wasn't really helping her and everything she did was for her own self gratification and she expected to be thanked for it every time. And it was always someone she knows Mum does 'so much more' (I highly doubt).

They don't have the best relationship and my Mum can't understand why, especially after my sister accused her of being an 'enmeshed parent'. It made me so angry cause my mum is too soft for her own good and my sister was absolutely vile to her.

@forgivingfiggy surely it depends how far away the op's mother is?

I would tell her that you don't find her attitude loving or helpful and that therefore she can expect the bare minimum of help from you if she needs help in her old age. Fair's fair. She can make her choices from there.

How old is your mum? It's often a coincidence that grandmothers who are young enough to have dependent children themselves are completely incapable of any kind of childcare, while those who are parents the same age with the same health conditions just get on with it.

Absolutely love MN - the place where the term 'it takes a village' is ripped up, spat on, pissed on and then set on fire.

OP - I could never relate to your mum not wanting to help out, let alone not helping out yet acting like she's Mary Poppins to people who don't know otherwise.
My children aren't at making me a grandparent age, but I know for a fact I will help out as much as I possibly can - as long as they want that help.
I would go to the shop and grab my neighbour some nappies, let alone my daughter.

Have you ever stopped her and asked her for examples of all this help she gives? I do think maybe a conversation with her would help.

Give her a list of local old people's homes and ask her which one she'd like to choose.

Do people really conduct their relationships in such a transactional way? What a horrible way to live your life.

Well if your mother is not helping you, you need to make it clear that you are not going to help her back. She has set the tone

My mum was fab, but my MIL was absolutely useless and would manage to create tension whenever she ‘helped us out’. Now she isn’t really allowed to help, but there is zero tension.

Who's to say she will need care when she's older?

This post is ageist.

Anyone might need full time care at any time and it's wise to bear that in mind

OP, I was sort of on your side until I read your update… No, of course most who consider themselves indispensable aren’t like your mum — but unless you’re stupid (and I don’t think you are!), you know that. So what DO you want from this thread? That’s a genuine question; I’m not trying to goad you. I’m sorry your mum isn’t more available, emotionally or practically. My mum wasn’t either, but because of her health. She’d have loved to have been more involved and I’d have loved it too — but you’re certainly not on your own in having a mum who can’t (or won’t) be there. Perhaps that’s the issue, though? Perhaps you were secretly hoping, despite the fact she’d never really been there for you, that she might be, now you’re a mother yourself — if not for you, then for her grandchild?

Also OP whilst I did have a lot of help (single teenage parent with two under two) it was very rarely in my own house. If I was working my mother or grandmother would have dc at their house and bring them back to me and put them to bed before I came home, they'd be at mine an hour max. Or their help would be financial (my grandmother paid for both of mine to go to nursery for a few afternoons a week, this was before the free hours).

I help out my friends with young dc now and again and always prefer to do it in my own house. I don't want to spend that amount of time in someone elses house. I'd be totally bored and never want to help again.

I gently think you're expecting too much and that's because you're not making it easy for her to help. You're making it difficult (not on purpose).

I'd not take the extreme views on the thread into huge consideration. Your mother obviously does want to help you but you also have to help her to help you and help yourself. You could have deliveroo'd the nappies. Asking your mum to bring you nappies when she wasn't already on her way would have been a shitty inconvenience for her. I'd think cheeky fucker and not do that either. Asking her to have the baby and give you a break is absolutely fine, but you have to pack a bag and take baby to her or you won't get what she's able to give and it will only sour your relationship.

What's the alternative in this situation?

I'm a grandmother. If my daughter called me to buy nappies and bring them to her I'd tell her she should have planned better. I'm not her servant.

You sound entitled and angry that she won't be at your beck and call, but she's done her child-rearing. She's under no obligation to do yours.

Some posters seem to latch on one thing in an OP’s post and make a massive issue over it.

OP said she asked her mother ONCE about nappies, ONCE. She obviously knows better now after the one time so can some posters move on about it.

The crux of the matter is her mother claiming and boasting about the level of involvement she does as a grandparent when it’s very little.

A lot of grandparents (not all) have a farcical view on how much involvement they do and that includes how much help they themselves had when they were parents, forgetting that their own children recall how much help they had and the times spent with family and family friends.

Wow. My mum is long gone and my in-laws haven't been that helpful with our dc but it was our choice to have them. They can't choose not to get old they?

@LilyPark I've planned for care - I don't need my kids to hand me brochures and tell me to choose one.

Perhaps the op's mother could hand her grocery delivery leaflets and tell her to sort that out herself, or suggest she uses an app and tell her to google?

My mum gave birth to me brought me up. As far as I was concerned that alone merited my help. I couldn’t live in such a cynical way.

Also - it's care home or nursing home. Old people's homes is ageist.

Firstly, congratulations on your new baby 🤗👶

I’ve got a grandchild, just one so far, and I’m very hands on because we’ve chosen to live in a multigenerational household. However, that’s not the norm these days and I don’t believe that grandparents “owe” their children childcare if they are too tired, struggling with diagnosed or undiagnosed health issues, feeling old and knackered 😳or even if they simply have no desire to help out.

You and your partner made the decision to have a child and for one of you to be largely absent -for economic reasons I’m assuming - during the working week. Unless your mother made either of those decisions on your behalf, I’m not sure why you expect her to alter her own life to fit in with that of yours and your partner’s?

I will, however, add that being a new mother is tiring and stressful, albeit hugely rewarding too, and it would be nice if your mother felt able to offer help, but if she can’t or won’t I’m afraid you’ll have to accept it if you want to maintain a relationship with your her. Keep your chin up and enjoy your baby x

Yep but why would you extend yourself to make their lives nice in old age if they haven't helped you out when you needed it?

I think it is a case of prioritising those who helped you the most. In my case in laws will not be prioritised over my family who have devoted much more time to help us and spend time with my kids. Are you saying that my inlaws should come first over my family? I'm sure nobody would let them starve and we would help, but I think it would be wrong to treat them the same as my parents when they have barely given up their time for us.

Because you love them? Or is that an alien concept in your transactional world?

Well for starters many grandmothers are working now. And don't live five minutes away. People are more geographically mobile and women have jobs until retirement.

Both my own grandmothers were housewives and lived 4/10 minutes away when I was a child, so of course they were in and out of my life all the time.
My mum and MIL were still working when I had my first baby, and lived 1.5- 2.5 hours away. So it was down to me to make sure that I always had nappies. And my village was other mums, as I was fortunate to live in an area with lots of young families.

I must admit that when my next door neighbour had her first in the same week as I had my second, I was ridiculously envious when I saw her mum regularly arriving at her front door with big piles of laundry that she had washed and ironed for her!
My MIL would absolutely have done the same for me, had she lived locally.