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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remove SIL from the group chat?

1000 replies

whyberude · 02/08/2023 10:35

We have a family group chat, my mum, my brothers, me, my husband and my brothers wife (SIL)

I just find her so rude. We all message each morning just to say good morning to which she never replies or messages good morning to us. It takes just a second of your day? Means a lot to my mum, her MIL who lives alone and can be lonely. Why can't you just say it?

She very, very rarely engages in conversation. If you @ her directly in the chat she will reply (which leads me to suspect the chat is muted and she only gets notifications when tagged...)

Only one in a blue moon do I click on the chat and see two blue ticks, and when I slide across she is the only one who hasn't read them. All the messages in the chat will be grey ticks for weeks at a time until one day they'll randomly be blue where she's finally clicked on us (and there must of been hundreds of missed messages by that point)

She will very rarely send a photo or video of her kids, to which I just ignore. If you don't want to bother with us I'm not bothering with you.

AIBU to just remove her? Clearly she doesn't want to be in it, so why does she need to be? It is just so rude.

OP posts:
CrazyHedgehogLover · 02/08/2023 16:40

You sound like the worst! I would absolutely hate to be a part of this kind of family, luckily my in laws aren’t petty and don’t get the hump when they tag me in things on social media and I don’t respond! Because I work and have a life outside of being on my phone..

on my WhatsApp I’m always displayed as available? A lot of the time I’m not, as if I’m going to think “ooo must change my WhatsApp” before going to do something, you need to get a life in the nicest way meant.

your SIL probably knows you don’t like her that much or she just isn’t as into her phone as you are! You mentioned she has kids? She’s probably focusing on them.. not being petty and spiteful over stuff like this.

Makemineacosmo · 02/08/2023 16:40

OP you need to focus on something else rather than your SIL. Really, you do.

Letitgonowgr · 02/08/2023 16:40

This all sounds very intense! Saying morning every day is just too much. Some people just can’t be bothered!! I think you’re a bit dramatic and clearly don’t like her!

Notellinganyone · 02/08/2023 16:40

Leave her be. She can manage the chat as she sees fit - it all sounds ott.

SemperIdem · 02/08/2023 16:41

Delete her, she would probably be grateful.

She absolutely does not want to participate in the suffocating “family” WhatsApp group.

whatthefreshhell · 02/08/2023 16:43

I would probably be this person. I end up muting nearly every group chat because they seem to take up a ridiculous part of my day.

Some people just don't do WhatsApp.

JANEY205 · 02/08/2023 16:43

My husband d barely ever texts my Mum back and somehow she has forgiven him 😂

C152 · 02/08/2023 16:43

I think YABU to create such an enormous mountain out of a molehill. Your SIL replies to questions/comments she is directly asked. Why are you making such an issue of the fact she doesn't type 'good morning' to her inlaws every single day of her life? If this is normal for you, fine, but it's unreasonable for you to expect everyone else to behave the way you feel is right, just because it works for you.

StephanieSuperpowers · 02/08/2023 16:46

You really don't like her, OP! It's hilarious how much energy you've put into investigating and making a dossier on her perfectly normal behaviour to justify it! Yeah, remove her from the group chat. Act surprised when your brother finds it peculiar behaviour.

Don't forget to tell us how it goes!

NewUserName2023 · 02/08/2023 16:46

I had a relative on whatsapp who used to send "good mornings" every day to show us all she was still alive during COVID lockdown. Nobody surely still does that? So 2020 😉

WildUnchartedWaters · 02/08/2023 16:47

StephanieSuperpowers · 02/08/2023 16:46

You really don't like her, OP! It's hilarious how much energy you've put into investigating and making a dossier on her perfectly normal behaviour to justify it! Yeah, remove her from the group chat. Act surprised when your brother finds it peculiar behaviour.

Don't forget to tell us how it goes!

A dossier 😭😭

SuperNewMe · 02/08/2023 16:47

TempyBrennan · 02/08/2023 16:25

This is phenomenal and my favourite thing I’ve ever read.

Good evening everyone.

😁 Good evening @TempyBrennan

PrinnyPree · 02/08/2023 16:48

Christ my husband hardly ever chimes in to my family whatsapp group even though he's on it. I wonder if one of my siblings is going off and one because of it. 😅

Seriously OP its a bit much, don't delete her, she is being perfectly normal. Your Mum will be getting plenty of imput from her actual kids if you're all posting everyday. Also don't be petty with ignoring her posts, no wonder she tries to avoid the chat, if you want more posts of her kids get your brother on it and leave your poor SIL alone. 😅

salamanderdinosaur · 02/08/2023 16:55

Saying good morning every morning seems crazy. I would think it’s really weird and wouldn’t engage in it either to be honest!

Pluffe · 02/08/2023 16:56

Christ on a bike, you are hard work op. Your sil does right. This would do my head in.

Wibbleswombats · 02/08/2023 16:57

Mwah, my SiL has written to me about once every 3 years. Daily contact is beyond my ken.

WiltingWallfower · 02/08/2023 16:58

This is exactly why I refuse to use WhatsApp.

I suspect there are certain members of both dh’s family or mine that would be like this about it. I’ve also seen my dd get in a mess with some of her group chats once too often. So many egos and far too much drama!

I have a phone, if they need to contact me they can call, text or email and I can do the same if I need to contact them for any reason. I am speak to my mum on a daily basis. She is the hub of the family, so I’m never out of the loop. I would much rather call her and have a chat, which also brightens her day, than read endless messages.

I also have a locked down fb page I only use for certain closed groups regarding my hobby. I’m not friends with any of my family on there either.

I really dislike the idea that you have to be connected and beholden to people 24/7. If someone messages me I respond when I have a chance, they don’t have some sort of divine right to my instant attention or time. Imo it all just adds an extra level of stress that no-one needs.

WildUnchartedWaters · 02/08/2023 16:59

PrinnyPree · 02/08/2023 16:48

Christ my husband hardly ever chimes in to my family whatsapp group even though he's on it. I wonder if one of my siblings is going off and one because of it. 😅

Seriously OP its a bit much, don't delete her, she is being perfectly normal. Your Mum will be getting plenty of imput from her actual kids if you're all posting everyday. Also don't be petty with ignoring her posts, no wonder she tries to avoid the chat, if you want more posts of her kids get your brother on it and leave your poor SIL alone. 😅

She does post photos of the kids and Op ignores them to make her point 🤣

LucyLongbody · 02/08/2023 17:00

I'm in two of these, both muted.

I would not have the slightest interest in a group chat with my husbands family, why would I?

MisschiefMaker · 02/08/2023 17:01

You have made the mistake in thinking that the way your family do things is the default, correct way, just because it's your family that does it like that.

As you can see from the responses, most people would find your family annoying as hell. Your SIL doesn't need to become annoying like the rest of you just because she is in a relationship with your brother. she is free to continue to be a normal person.

Doveytail · 02/08/2023 17:03

Hello I would like to add my perspective to this. My in laws have a family WhatsApp and they post everyday. Sometime I comment but other times I don’t.

They probably feel like you do and I would
love for them to kick me off the group.

I don’t comment because my in-laws treat my husband myself and my children like shit.

They organise days out and meals off the family group and once all decided they post on the WhatsApp. The dates are never suited round us, not that I expect them to be But it would be good to be involved in making plans.

I hardly share photos if my children and my father in laws shared pictures of his grandchildren will so many ppl, that are not even family or people we know .

I’ve thought about leaving the chat so many times, but felt it would be inflammatory to do so. They would be doing me a favour if they removed me off it.

im not saying you treat your sis in law like my in laws do. However my in-laws would argue they are the next best thing to me since sliced bread. That’s not how I feel because of how they treat me.

Just wanted to offer another perspective

SocksAndTheCity · 02/08/2023 17:03

Me too, @WiltingWallfower . I've never had it on my phone, and this sort of thing is exactly the reason why.

The OP sounds like the sort of future MIL about whom many, many threads will be started in years to come.

Mumof2teens79 · 02/08/2023 17:06

whyberude · 02/08/2023 11:10

I don't care that she doesn't say it every day I care that she doesn't say it ever and that she leaves us unread for weeks and only replies if tagged directly. I don't care if she doesn't join in every morning. I care that she doesn't seem to be interested in being part of the family at all

If its something you all do every morning without question its hardly meaningful is it? Nor does it equate to being part of the family. If YOU are that concerned about YOUR mum then call and have a chat, don't just send a WhatsApp message.

It definitely takes more than a second and tbh I rarely have time to do anything in the morning

saraclara · 02/08/2023 17:13

she shares pictures and videos of the kids on the group. Which you, rudely, ignore. That's hardly going to encourage her to participate more, is it?!

Exactly. You want her to participate, and when she does, you refuse to engage. Why should she bother then?

If you want someone to do something, you react positively when they do it. It's basic psychology.

Dulra · 02/08/2023 17:15

Am I your sil 🤣. Seriously leave her be. I was added to my dh's families Wordle group I lasted 2 days and haven't looked at it again it's been going months. Tbh don't think anyone has noticed so maybe I should be offended 😛

OP this is not about a what's app group is it? You don't like her for whatever reason and are using her inaction on a what's app group to justify your dislike. You are also giving it far too much oxygen bordering on obsessing, for your own sake try and forget about it and enjoy your what's app group with your family. How you can jump from not engaging in a what's app group to meaning she's not interested in being part of your family is just ridiculous. If there's a lot of traffic on the group she may not be able to keep up so doesn't try, there are always quiet non contributors on what's app groups it's not for everyone

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