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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remove SIL from the group chat?

1000 replies

whyberude · 02/08/2023 10:35

We have a family group chat, my mum, my brothers, me, my husband and my brothers wife (SIL)

I just find her so rude. We all message each morning just to say good morning to which she never replies or messages good morning to us. It takes just a second of your day? Means a lot to my mum, her MIL who lives alone and can be lonely. Why can't you just say it?

She very, very rarely engages in conversation. If you @ her directly in the chat she will reply (which leads me to suspect the chat is muted and she only gets notifications when tagged...)

Only one in a blue moon do I click on the chat and see two blue ticks, and when I slide across she is the only one who hasn't read them. All the messages in the chat will be grey ticks for weeks at a time until one day they'll randomly be blue where she's finally clicked on us (and there must of been hundreds of missed messages by that point)

She will very rarely send a photo or video of her kids, to which I just ignore. If you don't want to bother with us I'm not bothering with you.

AIBU to just remove her? Clearly she doesn't want to be in it, so why does she need to be? It is just so rude.

OP posts:
rainbowlou · 02/08/2023 15:19

I’m jealous at the amount of free time you have on your hands to worry about this non issue.
I often mute the family chats Im on because they quite frankly can get very annoying.

jannier · 02/08/2023 15:19

Are you the Walton's of WhatsApp...morning John boy fame.
You know if you need to open a whatsapp by the notification line if it's petty shit it can wait you don't have to open 6 good mornings ....did you all used to call each other before WhatsApp?

continentallentil · 02/08/2023 15:20

whyberude · 02/08/2023 11:10

I don't care that she doesn't say it every day I care that she doesn't say it ever and that she leaves us unread for weeks and only replies if tagged directly. I don't care if she doesn't join in every morning. I care that she doesn't seem to be interested in being part of the family at all

Well that’s escalated

Until now you only minded she doesn’t do regular WhatsApp chat.

DinaFox · 02/08/2023 15:21

Get over yourself

carrotsfortea · 02/08/2023 15:21

Being part of a family doesn't mean you have to be on whatsapp taking part in general things all the time. I hate whatsapp too. I have it because people use it and for some things it can be useful but I don't want to spend time on it. That doesn't mean i don't care about the people who are on it and using it. Unless you are messaging her directly her not doing the good morning routine isn't rude. It's just not her style. Why can't you let her do things the way she does things? She's not bothering you or demanding stuff of you? It would be rude to chuck her off and quite aggressive for no reason.

jannier · 02/08/2023 15:22

I'm in a childcare group chat people ask things like anybody got a space ....why do they need 15 no's...answer if it's a yes or shut up....I'm with your SIl

BoohooWoohoo · 02/08/2023 15:22

If something takes seconds then you should update the thread more often 😉

Did you add SIL because you added your h? I'm going to assume that you created the group chat.
Has your h participated from the start or does he do it because you've told him how much it means to your mum?
If you truly think it's rude (I don't ) then why don't you talk to your brother? If it's so important then he can explain to her l.
Personally I find the ritual weird and I can see why SIL is leaving it on mute unless specifically tagged. Maybe SIL assumes that your mum is happy to hear from her son but assumes that a forced good morning from a DIL does not mean as much and her h can do it on behalf on both of them. I'm going to hazard a guess that your relationship with SIL is polite and distant at best. In which case it's not surprise that she doesn't want to get notifications from this group chat especially if it's a bunch of people just messaging good morning on some days. Maybe there is a good reason why she doesn't want her phone pinging in the morning- for example if the kids are young they might delay getting ready for school because they want to know who is messaging. Maybe she only wants notifications from important contacts like sick relatives, her h, elderly parents or her work in the morning ?

It sounds like you're sure that you're right but you might want to give your brother a heads up so he knows why. It would be a shame if she was concerned that she'd done something that was actually offensive rather than not joining in something silly.

Lentilweaver · 02/08/2023 15:26

I don't think there has ever been a more unanimous AIBU.

People who spend a lot of time on WA and other social media don't realise how much it messes with the brain. I am on only two WA groups and not on FB because I just can't get any work done with them. It totally destroys your focus and attention.

The relentless posting of photos and attention seeking, then people getting offended if you don't like their photos, then wondering why you haven't read their news.... I am quite social and always happy to meet people in person, but I won't chat or share on WA groups.

BonjourCrisette · 02/08/2023 15:28

That poor woman. Honestly, she would probably be delighted to be removed. If I was expected to text my MIL (or indeed any other family member or in-law) good morning every single day I would be furious. And I would not do it. You and your family sound completely nuts and extremely intrusive.

BoohooWoohoo · 02/08/2023 15:28

She will very rarely send a photo or video of her kids, to which I just ignore. If you don't want to bother with us I'm not bothering with you.

You're being really passive aggressive with this. Do you want pictures and videos? If you've been here long enough then you'd know that it's very easy to go into "too many photos" territory. Maybe she is trying not to be annoying ? Maybe she's a chilled low key person?

Does your brother post photos and videos? Do you comment if he posts?

If you want her to join in but ignore when she posts then you're being far ruder than she is.

Have you considered the possibility that the couple have a deal where he manages his side of the family and she manages hers? Do you know if anyone else in the group chat is as annoyed as you are? While I imagine that it's nice to hear from your DIL and SIL, your mum is most reassured by her kids texting her.

BoohooWoohoo · 02/08/2023 15:29

If she's on WA regularly then it's possible that she uses it for work or to talk to her husband. It sounds like you're assuming that she's texting everyone except the group chat that you're on.

HopityHope · 02/08/2023 15:29

Madamecastafiore · 02/08/2023 15:15

Remove her, if I were her I'd be praying for the day that you did.

Oh this!

PlacidPenelope · 02/08/2023 15:30

You don't like your SIL and have made that clear on here to a bunch of random strangers @whyberude , you brand her rude and blame her for somehow isolating your brother from the family.

Strangely, you being on the receiving end of people on here finding your behaviour objectionable you run for the hills after complaining that it's not nice, which is somewhat ironic to say the least.

You have asked a bunch of anonymous, objective strangers who have no skin in the game what they think, they have told you, you don't like it because it is not what you wanted to hear and you can't control it, just like you can't control your SIL which is what is really eating at you.

I doubt you have the guts to come back to this thread nor reflect on what you are saying or the responses to it.

user1469908686 · 02/08/2023 15:32

I’d imagine your SIL will be thrilled if you remove her! People are busy, and i imagine she thinks her husband, the MIL’s child, answering is more than sufficient.

I’ve two kids, youngest school years group is always chatting about the most random stuff only vaguely connected to school/kids.
The eldest’s group hardly ever say anything and when it is active, it’s relevant and to the point. Guess which group I have muted?

Yellowflower47 · 02/08/2023 15:36

Seems like you’re going to have to admit you’re wrong OP…. Or keep living in denial. Either way.

gowithlace · 02/08/2023 15:37

As if you're checking up on her opening the message or not Grin
OP you sound barmy. Remove her, set her free!

KayohB · 02/08/2023 15:38

I’m the SIL in this scenario. I absolutely love my in-laws though, I just don’t have the time or inclination to be as active on my phone. I hope they don’t read it like this too, I really enjoy spending time with them….

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 02/08/2023 15:40

whyberude · 02/08/2023 11:10

I don't care that she doesn't say it every day I care that she doesn't say it ever and that she leaves us unread for weeks and only replies if tagged directly. I don't care if she doesn't join in every morning. I care that she doesn't seem to be interested in being part of the family at all

Is she involved in family stuff liaise of the chat? Events etc?

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 02/08/2023 15:41

Outside not liaise

Signalbox · 02/08/2023 15:41

YABU.

Darkandstormynite · 02/08/2023 15:47

whyberude · 02/08/2023 11:10

I don't care that she doesn't say it every day I care that she doesn't say it ever and that she leaves us unread for weeks and only replies if tagged directly. I don't care if she doesn't join in every morning. I care that she doesn't seem to be interested in being part of the family at all

Please, when you remove her from the group, tell her about Mumsnet. I feel the poor woman may need some support.

I'm not sure you understand how batshit you actually sound, so there maybe no hope for you.

KinderCat · 02/08/2023 15:48

YABU.

I am 100% with and like SIL here. Almost all my groups are muted since I don't have time to deal with random pop notifications multiple times a day that are just annoying. I'm in the groups incase needed or it a question or such is asked that I feel I should or can respond to. Who has time to invest into WhatsApp like this, particularly as an inlaw.

In large groups often it doesn't work having loads of people talking as well anyway.

Zoreos · 02/08/2023 15:49

You sound absolutely mental, I wouldn’t mute you I’d probably block you in all honesty.

wishful2012 · 02/08/2023 15:49

This could be me !! I wish my in laws would delete me from their chat and I have silenced them 😂

UsingChangeofName · 02/08/2023 15:50

Shame the voting wasn't enabled for this thread.

I suspect, 30 pages in, you have now worked out thought that everyone thinks YABVU.
Most people on this thread would have muted the chat.
That really is extreme.
Your SiL isn't rude at all - just normal.

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