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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Stay for the kids, leave because of the inheritance risk

111 replies

threekidsmama · 01/08/2023 21:33

I have three children -6, 3 and 18 months.

Things are awful with my DH. We haven't slept in the same bed for over a year.

I have a demanding, intense job and he couldn't be less supportive. Holds my working long hours against me. If I work late and he has to put the DC to bed, the next day it's held against me.

I earn more than he does but doesn't pay a thing towards child costs, he is a builder and won't spend on the house (we have a leaking chimney, in the winter we see rain leaking down the wall) and won't spend or do a thing maintenance wise on the house.

We have a rental property which I run. It's 160 miles from where we are. Whenever there are any maintenance problems with the house, he happily lets me struggle along searching for tradesmen online (alongside my FT, very demanding job). I ask him to help speak to them because I don't fully understand when we're talking about gutters, drain pipes, repointing chimneys etc (once I've already done all the research and sourced them) and he couldn't be less helpful.

Any (very infrequent) chat we have is so dull and it bores me. We simply don't talk. I don't tell him a thing about my day and neither does he to me.

The thing is we have 3 hound DC. I am staying for them, have always had in the back of my mind that I'd go when the kids are university age, so I have 17 years to go.... But here's the thing which I've become more alert to recently.'

My parents are mid 60s. I am likely to inherit fairly significantly. My DP, who I'm fairly sure can see that we are struggling, are setting things up so that as much as possible passes to my DC. They say this is for tax efficient (I'm sure there's an element of that) but I suspect largely because they can see the risk. We don't have a pre nup.

Of course I hope my DP have years and years to go but if I were to inherit before any divorce, I am in a far, far more difficult position.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Motomum23 · 01/08/2023 21:38

Leave him. Forget the inheritance that's so irrelevant. He is a drain on your life and adds no benefit. Your kids are going to be better off in the long run having healthy relationships with separated parents than growing up believing your dynamic is normal.

Hankunamatata · 01/08/2023 21:41

Sounds utterly miserable. Do you really want your kids growing up in a toxic relationship

LakieLady · 01/08/2023 21:41

LTB. Your happiness today is more important than anything else.

LolaSmiles · 01/08/2023 21:41

The inheritance is a red herring.

You're not in a happy relationships and deserve more than your current situation.

When people say they're staying for the children, it's good to consider what you're hoping they gain by witnessing two parents in an unhappy marriage and what pattern of behaviour is models to them.

It doesn't sound like there's much positive about the relationship to trade against the many negatives.

BlossomCloud · 01/08/2023 21:42

You're going to waste 17 years of your life unhappy?

You don't even know how many more years you will get.

It sounds like you have the means to separate?

Jonniecomelately · 01/08/2023 21:42

They might be able to do a discretionary will trust where the money can be used for you or children. This would usually be outside your assets if you got divorced. They need to see a solicitor.

IamAlso4eels · 01/08/2023 21:43

Honestly? End the marriage, file for divorce and go it alone. You're already parenting alone, adulting alone and running the household (and rental property) alone so you may as well take the legal steps needed to make it official.

Don't stay together for the sake of the kids. I was the child in such a relation and we knew, we were children but we weren't thick and we knew. It fucks you up a bit knowing that your parents made themselves miserable for your sake when you'd have likely been far happier with them apart. It gave me a very skewed view of relationships that I had to work really hard to overcome. Don't do that to your children but also don't do it to yourself, you deserve more than a sham marriage.

Flockameanie · 01/08/2023 21:43

Your kids are young enough that a separation won't negatively affect them too much. They will adapt. Staying is a terrible idea - think of the terrible example you are settling them about how relationships work. That is far more damaging than splitting up.

Greenfishy · 01/08/2023 21:43

Leave

AverseNotAdverse · 01/08/2023 21:43

I want you to leave now. For every possible reason, not the inheritance.

DustyLee123 · 01/08/2023 21:43

Leave him . It’s a waste of your life to stay.

Lweji · 01/08/2023 21:45

What exactly are you staying for? I suspect the kids will not thank you for staying in such a relationship.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 01/08/2023 21:46

Yes the inheritance is a bit irrelevant here

Your marriage is dead

Time to go

Doingtheboxerbeat · 01/08/2023 21:47

17 years - you could be out in less than that 😳. Seriously I aged a year just reading that - get out for the love of god.

UnfunnyJester · 01/08/2023 21:48

I get what you mean about the inheritance but he's actually so awful that you should just separate. He has no feelings of love and care towards you. In fact it sounds like he hates you.

MuggleMe · 01/08/2023 21:49

God, wishing 17 years away, please leave! How can you say it's for the children if he's such a terrible dad and husband? They're going to have a terrible role model for future relationships.

Saoirse82 · 01/08/2023 21:50

You'd be mad to stay 'for the kids' don't! You'll be bringing them in a miserable, toxic household. If your marriage is unhappy and you're both miserable then it'll only get worse the resentment will grow and you'd be doing the children no favours.

My best friends parents stayed together for the sake of their children and she often talks of how miserable it was. When she was 18 and her brother 16 they finally separated and she was so relieved.

Orangello · 01/08/2023 21:51

what do you mean staying for them? I could understand it if you were fully financially dependent on him, but that's not the case. Doesn't sound like you're staying for love and companionship and if he resents doing bedtime that much, it also does not sound like he's an amazing dad. So why?

EmmasRegurgitatedShrimps · 01/08/2023 21:53

This is awful. Time to leave him. He sounds completely disrespectful to you, possibly because you make him feel insecure. Bin him.

parietal · 01/08/2023 21:53

Leave. Get your own place and a good nanny for childcare and move on with your life.

Tinkerbyebye · 01/08/2023 21:54

Leave. The kids will pick up on your relationship with their father and it’s no example

LynetteScavo · 01/08/2023 21:55

Inheritance aside - staying really isn't an option. You sound miserable.

Dombasle · 01/08/2023 21:57

What is making you stay with him?

He's vile.

Augend23 · 01/08/2023 21:58

Pretty sure people do less time for serious crimes OP.

You can't stay and resent it for 17 years. You'll end up resenting your kids too if you're staying "for their sake".

Leave now, cut your losses and get your life back.

Clymene · 01/08/2023 21:59

Leave now and start divorce proceedings immediately.

Your parents aren't even retirement age!