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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stay for the kids, leave because of the inheritance risk

111 replies

threekidsmama · 01/08/2023 21:33

I have three children -6, 3 and 18 months.

Things are awful with my DH. We haven't slept in the same bed for over a year.

I have a demanding, intense job and he couldn't be less supportive. Holds my working long hours against me. If I work late and he has to put the DC to bed, the next day it's held against me.

I earn more than he does but doesn't pay a thing towards child costs, he is a builder and won't spend on the house (we have a leaking chimney, in the winter we see rain leaking down the wall) and won't spend or do a thing maintenance wise on the house.

We have a rental property which I run. It's 160 miles from where we are. Whenever there are any maintenance problems with the house, he happily lets me struggle along searching for tradesmen online (alongside my FT, very demanding job). I ask him to help speak to them because I don't fully understand when we're talking about gutters, drain pipes, repointing chimneys etc (once I've already done all the research and sourced them) and he couldn't be less helpful.

Any (very infrequent) chat we have is so dull and it bores me. We simply don't talk. I don't tell him a thing about my day and neither does he to me.

The thing is we have 3 hound DC. I am staying for them, have always had in the back of my mind that I'd go when the kids are university age, so I have 17 years to go.... But here's the thing which I've become more alert to recently.'

My parents are mid 60s. I am likely to inherit fairly significantly. My DP, who I'm fairly sure can see that we are struggling, are setting things up so that as much as possible passes to my DC. They say this is for tax efficient (I'm sure there's an element of that) but I suspect largely because they can see the risk. We don't have a pre nup.

Of course I hope my DP have years and years to go but if I were to inherit before any divorce, I am in a far, far more difficult position.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 01/08/2023 21:59

Honestly get out now.
The longer you stay the worst it will be.

The resentment over the audicity of him having to parent his own children and it being held against you will be picked up by your children. It is just not a good dynamic.

Fbshe · 01/08/2023 22:04

You want your kids to see healthy relationships because that’s what they will base theirs on.

Poppyblush · 01/08/2023 22:09

Leave.

FarEast · 01/08/2023 22:11

This is NO way to bring up your children. You need to separate. You'll find life is much easier without this man who does nothing for the family or you.

Approaching · 01/08/2023 22:15

Get out now, staying together for the kids does not work. They’re just living with a poor model of what a relationship should look like. You have the means, you’re capable, things will be very difficult, but they’ll also be so much better.

Redshoeblueshoe · 01/08/2023 22:17

LTB he brings nothing to your life. This is miserable for your children.

Tatzelwyrm · 01/08/2023 22:22

What?????

If you divorce him now, why is your future inheritance an issue???

Jl2014 · 01/08/2023 22:23

You get 1 life and you’re wishing it away on this waste of space. Why?

Sewingdufus · 01/08/2023 22:27

Leave him.

I say that as the child of divorced parents, they split when I was a toddler. Whilst I love them both it was definitely the best thing for Mum and me that she left and took me with her.

Do not stay together for the sake of the children. Self care will ultimately help them too and your happiness matters.

Starlightstarbright2 · 01/08/2023 22:27

Unless both your parents are both terminally , it is extremely unlikely that they will pass away even in this decade .. plenty time to get divorced . Whilst you are the higher earner .. you are building a nice nest egg for him

eurochick · 01/08/2023 22:27

You can't spend the next 17 years counting down to freedom day. That's absurd. We only get one life - don't waste it with this twat.

AHugeTinyMistake · 01/08/2023 22:30

You'd get less of a sentence for murder OP, just saying....

Do you really want to condemn your best years to this dickhead?

You may think you can stick it out until your children are adult, but you're not the only one in the marriage. He can call it a day too. You're not the only one with this choice. You might be making this decision to stay for no reason, a year, two years from now he might have had enough.

Whattodowithit88 · 01/08/2023 22:32

That’s not even difficult to answer! I’d be gone like the wind!! It’s bad enough his already going to get half, no way would I wait it out so he gets half of the inheritance too!

He sounds absolutely useless, I say with every confidence you can do better than him!

SingingFaLaLa · 01/08/2023 22:33

If your dc were teenagers I could understand the sticking around point.

But your youngest is a toddler. That's madness.

You'll waste your whole life for nothing.

RoyalImpatience · 01/08/2023 22:34

Why can't you dicuss this with your parents in terms of that you are thinking of leaving etc.

SummerInSun · 01/08/2023 22:34

Agree with all PP - leave. But as for the inheritance question, your parents should take legal advice but the obvious solution is for them to leave money to the children, probably in trust with you as the trustee giving you wide discretion on how you spend the money for the children's benefit out they die while any of the kids are under 18.

Also, I don't really know how divorce law works so again speak to a solicitor, but if you divorce now and you parents die in 15 years and you inherit, I wouldn't think you ExH would have any claim on that money after so long apart. Whereas if you inherit before the divorce, he may.

HamBone · 01/08/2023 22:36

If your parents have spare money now and want your children to benefit, they could pay for childcare to help you manage as a single parent.

Honestly, your marriage sounds miserable, don’t waste years being unhappy.

Doggytastic · 01/08/2023 22:51

You won’t last 17 years in an unhappy marriage, your resentment will turn to hatred. Leave him now.

Thelonelygiraffe · 01/08/2023 23:03

Motomum23 · 01/08/2023 21:38

Leave him. Forget the inheritance that's so irrelevant. He is a drain on your life and adds no benefit. Your kids are going to be better off in the long run having healthy relationships with separated parents than growing up believing your dynamic is normal.

This!

MouseMinge · 01/08/2023 23:20

You must know deep down that you should leave him and not because of the inheritance. 17 years of misery? Do you want your children to grow up with that? Can you possibly endure that? He is worse than useless. You say "we" have a rental property and yet you, the person who isn't a builder, have to deal with all the problems?! What does he bring to the marriage? Seriously what?

Leave him. Just leave him. You will be happier and so will your children.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 01/08/2023 23:24

Inheritance is not a marital asset until you buy something of together with it. That’s besides the point. You’re actively teaching your kids how to have a relationship.. do you really want them living like you do? Leave now.

Merapi · 01/08/2023 23:24

Simple. Ask your parents to amend their wills so that your inheritance is held in trust to benefit your children instead of you. A solicitor could advise them on the best option.

TheCraicDealer · 01/08/2023 23:28

Why, why, why would you stay? Instead of your parents having to faff about setting up trusts, you could leave your waste of space husband and have their love and support in rebuilding your life now.

FOJN · 01/08/2023 23:32

Why do you think making your children bear witness to 17 years of misery is in their interests?

Don't do that to yourself or your children. Leave, be happier.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 01/08/2023 23:32

Leave him now. 17y is a long time to be unhappy! Certainly don't stay for the children's sake, that will never end well - either it will ruin your relationship with them because they'll feel guilty that their mum was unhappy for their entire childhood or they'll turn out just like their dad and treat their partner badly / or be the one treated badly because that's the example they've been set by their parents!!