Stay for the kids, leave because of the inheritance risk

[threekidsmama]

I have three children -6, 3 and 18 months.

Things are awful with my DH. We haven't slept in the same bed for over a year.

I have a demanding, intense job and he couldn't be less supportive. Holds my working long hours against me. If I work late and he has to put the DC to bed, the next day it's held against me.

I earn more than he does but doesn't pay a thing towards child costs, he is a builder and won't spend on the house (we have a leaking chimney, in the winter we see rain leaking down the wall) and won't spend or do a thing maintenance wise on the house.

We have a rental property which I run. It's 160 miles from where we are. Whenever there are any maintenance problems with the house, he happily lets me struggle along searching for tradesmen online (alongside my FT, very demanding job). I ask him to help speak to them because I don't fully understand when we're talking about gutters, drain pipes, repointing chimneys etc (once I've already done all the research and sourced them) and he couldn't be less helpful.

Any (very infrequent) chat we have is so dull and it bores me. We simply don't talk. I don't tell him a thing about my day and neither does he to me.

The thing is we have 3 hound DC. I am staying for them, have always had in the back of my mind that I'd go when the kids are university age, so I have 17 years to go.... But here's the thing which I've become more alert to recently.'

My parents are mid 60s. I am likely to inherit fairly significantly. My DP, who I'm fairly sure can see that we are struggling, are setting things up so that as much as possible passes to my DC. They say this is for tax efficient (I'm sure there's an element of that) but I suspect largely because they can see the risk. We don't have a pre nup.

Of course I hope my DP have years and years to go but if I were to inherit before any divorce, I am in a far, far more difficult position.

WWYD?

Leave. I kicked my stbxh out when the kids were 5 and 2. People thought I was mad. Maybe I was. But I knew it would be much, much harder for the kids if i left it another 10 years.

Regardless of inheritance i'd leave, why stay and be miserable, it'll rub off on the kids and isn't a good example of a good relationship. He sounds a waste of space, you deserve better.

Leave. Your parents could live until their 90’s or lose all their money to care fees. No one should plan their life around an inheritance.

Well that was unanimous 😁

Honestly, if I started a poll saying

"If your parents stayed together in a miserable relationship and used the reason ' It's for the kids', are you grateful for that sacrifice?"

Not one person would say yes. Because being raised by parents that don't even like each other causes damage to children. You can think you are hiding the lifelessness, the anger and disappointment ALL DAY LONG but the simple truth is that you aren't. Children are incredibly perceptive. But what you are doing is teaching then that this sort of relationships is perfectly normal and is the same sort of standard that they should aspire to achieve themselves.

Totally agree, MIL is 99!

Seriously why do you think this is a better environment to bring your kids up in than divorce? All you will succeed in doing is emotionally damaging them.

@MadamWhiteleigh I think that's unfair.

I've known many people who didn't wish their children to grow up in a "broken home" (their words) and stayed in an unhappy relationship for that reason

They all left in the end, and wished they'd left earlier, but their reasons for staying were genuine, not a cop out

Deal with the crocodile nearest the boat @threekidsmama. Focus on what you need to do to separate and divorce in the very near future. Waiting 17 years to then go your own way will be harder on your children as they become more aware of a dissonance in their home and will make things emotionally harder and more wearing for you with every passing year.

Do not tell him, or let him know that you are looking into divorce as he may well make things harder for you.

Get a good overview on your finances, his as well as yours, including both your pensions, and see a family law solicitor with that information (get a recommendation from a very close confidante/friend or check The Law Society website subset "Find a solicitor". Tell your parents if you think this will be helpful for them to know and for you to get some real life support.

To free up a bit more time, consider buying in help, cleaner, laundry/ironing, meal boxes, online groceries.

There's only so much of you to go round so take care of you - the person spinning all these plates. Good luck OP. 🌹

Nothing that you have written in your op suggests that staying in your marriage is a good idea for you or your kids. You are currently modelling what a relationship is - no communication, no love, one parent doing all the work and paying for everything. It is likely that your dcs will end up in the same scenario when adults as that is all they will know.

Find a good solicitor and get advice. Then divorce as amicably as you can. If your H currently does very little with the dcs I would imagine that he won't suddenly become super dad, despite what he may threaten with regards to custody.

This is very important ... ensure that you have a financial order as part of the divorce with a 'clean break' so that he cannot come back to you for more money if he gets wind of any inheritance in the future.

I bitterly regret staying married as long as I did. I believe my kids, now young adults, were both much more affected by us divorcing when they were teens compared to primary age. The divorce was also hugely more expensive for me because we had such a long marriage and he did everything in his power to make it not amicable. At least any inheritance that I receive in the future is now protected from the XH (aka arsehole).

But they left in the end and wished they’d left earlier. So at what point did that reason stop becoming genuine?

I think most people know deep down that it’s not a reason to stay but they lie to themselves because it’s easier.