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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stay for the kids, leave because of the inheritance risk

111 replies

threekidsmama · 01/08/2023 21:33

I have three children -6, 3 and 18 months.

Things are awful with my DH. We haven't slept in the same bed for over a year.

I have a demanding, intense job and he couldn't be less supportive. Holds my working long hours against me. If I work late and he has to put the DC to bed, the next day it's held against me.

I earn more than he does but doesn't pay a thing towards child costs, he is a builder and won't spend on the house (we have a leaking chimney, in the winter we see rain leaking down the wall) and won't spend or do a thing maintenance wise on the house.

We have a rental property which I run. It's 160 miles from where we are. Whenever there are any maintenance problems with the house, he happily lets me struggle along searching for tradesmen online (alongside my FT, very demanding job). I ask him to help speak to them because I don't fully understand when we're talking about gutters, drain pipes, repointing chimneys etc (once I've already done all the research and sourced them) and he couldn't be less helpful.

Any (very infrequent) chat we have is so dull and it bores me. We simply don't talk. I don't tell him a thing about my day and neither does he to me.

The thing is we have 3 hound DC. I am staying for them, have always had in the back of my mind that I'd go when the kids are university age, so I have 17 years to go.... But here's the thing which I've become more alert to recently.'

My parents are mid 60s. I am likely to inherit fairly significantly. My DP, who I'm fairly sure can see that we are struggling, are setting things up so that as much as possible passes to my DC. They say this is for tax efficient (I'm sure there's an element of that) but I suspect largely because they can see the risk. We don't have a pre nup.

Of course I hope my DP have years and years to go but if I were to inherit before any divorce, I am in a far, far more difficult position.

WWYD?

OP posts:
pamplemoussemousse · 01/08/2023 23:32

Your children will not look back on this and be glad you stayed with such a tosser.

Leave now, make a nice life for them and then spend your inheritance as you see fit.

frazzledasarock · 01/08/2023 23:36

If he’s a builder is he self employed?

because if he is, and you stay with him for 17 more years, you’re going to lose half of everything including your pension and unless he’s declaring everything he earns (I doubt it) you’re going to lose out spectacularly financially.

get legal advice now, and ask them about where you stand financially now as opposed to after 17 years.

Zezet · 01/08/2023 23:36

At the very least, be really upfront with your parents that your marriage is rocky and that you actively encourage them to get legal advice on their inheritance. Frame it as worry their father might be allowed to make decisions on their behalf if you don't want to imply they might leave money to you.

EveSix · 02/08/2023 00:01

I'm thinking along the same lines as Frazzled. You need to take some advice, making sure you have a fair idea of how your husband manages his income. You absolutely do not want to be in a situation where you are suddenly liable to pay him maintenance or give him a portion of your pension in the event of a divorce if he is able to show he is 'not earning'. Your H sounds like a sadist and a petty pedant, and I bet he's being an arse because he resents your accomplishments and capability. He's punishing you for being successful. He's happy to let his DC live in a leaky house ‐FFS!

Remember though, that you are in a position that is enviable to so many women in similarly dead end marriages to nasty men: you sound as if you have the means to go it alone? Do it, and don't look back.

HollaHolla · 02/08/2023 00:07

Do what makes you happy. That sounds like leaving. Don’t hold out for 17 years, just to manage a financial situation. You’d be miserable for a long time until then.
(I was in a job I hated, in my 30’s, bullied terribly. I remember crying to my sister that I’d have a good pension if I stayed. She was very clear in helping me realise that it wasn’t worth another 30 years of that, all for a good pension. She was right. I quit, and I was so much happier.)

unsync · 02/08/2023 00:18

Leave, life's too short to stay where you are not loved.

BritInAus · 02/08/2023 01:56

You're willing to spend another 17 YEARS on this relationship?! Honestly, it's not worth 17 minutes. It sounds like an utterly miserable existance.

I get that leaving is scary - I've been there. But you're not financially trapped - you have a career, and stand to inherit money. You're in the best possible position to leave.

Get out there and enjoy your one precious life!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 02:52

You only get one short life! Leave him ASAP. Don't let him get any part of your inheritance.

MustBeGinOclock · 02/08/2023 03:15

Oh gosh this sounds miserable op. You only get one shot at this life..go be happy without him.

TempleHill · 02/08/2023 03:22

frazzledasarock · 01/08/2023 23:36

If he’s a builder is he self employed?

because if he is, and you stay with him for 17 more years, you’re going to lose half of everything including your pension and unless he’s declaring everything he earns (I doubt it) you’re going to lose out spectacularly financially.

get legal advice now, and ask them about where you stand financially now as opposed to after 17 years.

This is real. A friend who works FT and earns more than her ex caught him cheating. Her ex is an electrician. They had been married for less than a year. He is claiming half of her house, sold her car, pocketing the cash and going after her pension. Imagine staying with this guy for 17yr. She has moved on, but he would not sign the paper. He wants more. He is with another girl.

jods19 · 02/08/2023 03:30

Divorce him and once it's done.. apply for a clean order break or a consent order ( I can't remember what it's called ) once it's signed he can't take any money or properties off you.

Caprisunny · 02/08/2023 03:31

You aren’t staying for the kids.

The kids don’t benefit from growing up in an unhappy household. They don’t benefit from seeing their mother dragged down by their father.

Careerdilemma · 02/08/2023 03:41

I know a number of adults whose parents "stayed together for the kids". They all say how horrid it was knowing how miserable their parents were; no matter how hard they tried to hide it. Do yourself and your kids a favour and do it now.

MintJulia · 02/08/2023 04:06

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 02:52

You only get one short life! Leave him ASAP. Don't let him get any part of your inheritance.

This.

Leave. I grew up in a home with parents who disliked each other and it was a miserable existence. Do you imagine your dcs don't realise? They'll see their friends' happy parents and know immediately.

You aren't doing them any favours. That sort of environment isn't healthy.

Howdoyouknowwhitney · 02/08/2023 04:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Nat6999 · 02/08/2023 05:13

Leave him now, kids adapt quickly. It can't be good for you or them to be living with an atmosphere & constantly walking on eggshells. It could be 20 years+ before you need to worry about inheritance & staying could lead to you having to share anything you get with him.

Lily0719 · 02/08/2023 06:04

Leave, coming from a separated family, we were much happier when our parents were happier. Sounds like you will be fine financially too, so definitely go!

Frenchfancy · 02/08/2023 06:08

Stop thinking about inheritance when your parents are likely to live another 20+ years.

And start living your life. Time to get your ducks in a row and see a solicitor.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 02/08/2023 06:11

Someone that I knew stayed for the children, until the youngest was 18. She said that the marriage had been dead for years.
A year after she left she died. What a waste.

Bettyfromlondon · 02/08/2023 06:14

The inheritance issue is a red herring. Your parents may live another 20-25 years and the funds from their house required to pay care fees. It is sensible for them to plan the money away from your husband benefitting but there may not be any money left when the day comes.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 02/08/2023 06:28

LEAVE HIM.

Hibiscrubbed · 02/08/2023 06:43

Leave him. Quickly. He sounds fucking awful.

Heybearu · 02/08/2023 06:44

Your parents could easily still be around in 10+ years. So I'd leave without factoring in inheritance if poss.

Goldbar · 02/08/2023 06:45

Leave, leave, leave. You don't have to stay with him for the kids. He can be a good father, if he wants to be, whether or not you are living together and in a relationship. He is a rubbish partner.

Let me guess - does he create an atmosphere in the house if he doesn't get his way so you're tiptoeing around him, doing everything to try to prevent this?

It sounds like your parents care about you and are in a good financial position so, rather than worrying about any inheritance, I'd be asking them for practical and financial help now to leave this relationship. Can they help with the children? What childcare do you have in place atm? A nanny/nursery? Can they help you pay for more help in the evenings (e.g. extra nanny hours) in case you need to work late?

At the very minimum, I'd have a chat both with them and with a lawyer.