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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stay for the kids, leave because of the inheritance risk

111 replies

threekidsmama · 01/08/2023 21:33

I have three children -6, 3 and 18 months.

Things are awful with my DH. We haven't slept in the same bed for over a year.

I have a demanding, intense job and he couldn't be less supportive. Holds my working long hours against me. If I work late and he has to put the DC to bed, the next day it's held against me.

I earn more than he does but doesn't pay a thing towards child costs, he is a builder and won't spend on the house (we have a leaking chimney, in the winter we see rain leaking down the wall) and won't spend or do a thing maintenance wise on the house.

We have a rental property which I run. It's 160 miles from where we are. Whenever there are any maintenance problems with the house, he happily lets me struggle along searching for tradesmen online (alongside my FT, very demanding job). I ask him to help speak to them because I don't fully understand when we're talking about gutters, drain pipes, repointing chimneys etc (once I've already done all the research and sourced them) and he couldn't be less helpful.

Any (very infrequent) chat we have is so dull and it bores me. We simply don't talk. I don't tell him a thing about my day and neither does he to me.

The thing is we have 3 hound DC. I am staying for them, have always had in the back of my mind that I'd go when the kids are university age, so I have 17 years to go.... But here's the thing which I've become more alert to recently.'

My parents are mid 60s. I am likely to inherit fairly significantly. My DP, who I'm fairly sure can see that we are struggling, are setting things up so that as much as possible passes to my DC. They say this is for tax efficient (I'm sure there's an element of that) but I suspect largely because they can see the risk. We don't have a pre nup.

Of course I hope my DP have years and years to go but if I were to inherit before any divorce, I am in a far, far more difficult position.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Luckyduc · 02/08/2023 06:51

Even during a divorce inheritance money is not included when the courts split assets. You get to keep it all.

Your parents are still young. They could live for another 30 years!

If I were you I'd leave now. Saying you will leave when the kids are university age ...why wait? Cause my parents did this and believe me the effect is worse.

hby9628 · 02/08/2023 08:10

You can't stay for 17 years. That is a very long time. It doesn't sound like your DH is bringing much to the table so I think you should make the break. You will be fine. The kids will also be fine. Good luck with your decision.

leismah · 02/08/2023 08:13

Honestly all I read there was a very long list of good reasons to leave your DH. "staying for the kids" is never a good idea, not in a marriage like that.

MadamWhiteleigh · 02/08/2023 08:21

‘Staying for the kids’ is the cop-out that people use when they’re too weak to make the hard decision.

Patchworksack · 02/08/2023 08:24

Adding to the resounding chorus of leave now and ask your parents for financial and/or practical help to get you and the kids on a good footing now.
Let useless DP have the property with water running down the walls, sell the rental miles away and get a watertight family home near your work and your family.
I am also counting down to youngest being through Uni for different reasons (happy with DH but will give us more financial freedom) and it feels a very long way off and my youngest is 9. You can’t tie yourself into an unhappy relationship for 17 years.
Are you married? You say DP?

SleepingStandingUp · 02/08/2023 08:43

Screw the money. End of life crisis where your Mom runs off with a hot Norwegian guy called Sven for the best sex of her life and your Dad moves to LA and gets enough plastic surgery to look like Chris Hemsworth can eat all that up.

You are choosing to raise your children in a shitty house where it's obvious Mommy and Daddy don't like each other and don't respect each other.

You are choosing to raise your children to think this is normal - this is what to expect from adult relationships.

You are choosing a sexless relationship with no communication where one or both of you will end up cheating.

I know the thought of 50/50 is scary but your children deserve better than this, and it's highly likely he won't be arsed to have them that much.

nobodysdaughternow · 02/08/2023 08:46

If sometimes can't get home for bedtime op, you will struggle to be your kids primary carer.

Even if you can afford a live in nanny, they won't want to be on duty from 8am until 7pm.

You will need to either stick reliably to normal working hours or only work overtime on the days your dh has the kids.

If you have a rental 160 miles away, I can well understand why your dh leaves you to it.

Why not sell the rental and get someone in to fix the chimney stack?

The relationship is over. Stop focusing on money and start working on how you split up in a way that is fair.

JaukiVexnoydi · 02/08/2023 08:46

Leave. It's not about the inheritance. Staying "for the kids" in these circumstances is a terrible idea. Right now your kids may be too young to perceive it but the emotional damage done by being brought up by parents who are making eachother miserable is immense. Your children will be way happier if you leave. So just leave.

polkadotdalmation · 02/08/2023 08:54

You're miserable and struggling. Get out now otherwise he will get half your inheritance. You'll need it in the future for your DCs.

Start putting plans on how you will manage financially and then just divorce.

EmmaEmerald · 02/08/2023 08:58

I'm sorry if I'm being thick but surely you divorce ASAP because of your potential inheritance?

After you're divorced, he can't claim it, you sort out whatever you want to of your money for your DC and he does the same.

iatealltheminieggs · 02/08/2023 09:01

Don't stay for the kids. My mum did that. It was a long 13 years for her (and me) and in all honesty my relationship with my mum has suffered as a result.

Your children are young, your parents are young and it sounds like you have a good career. Take action now and you'll all be much happier in the long run.

CloverHilla · 02/08/2023 09:05

Can only reiterate what everyone else is saying... Get out now!!

Blossomtoes · 02/08/2023 09:05

You’re seriously even thinking of putting up with this for another 17 years? Just go, life’s too short to waste almost a quarter of it being miserable.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/08/2023 09:09

LakieLady · 01/08/2023 21:41

LTB. Your happiness today is more important than anything else.

Agreed - this isn't a partnership at all.
You'll be so much happier when you have your nights and 'his' nights. And when you sell and move out of your leaking house!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/08/2023 09:11

Ps have you ever met adults who are grateful that parents stayed together in toxic unhappy marriage? I haven't.

Your children are learning what normal love and marriage looks like from you- staying 'for ' them is incredibly counterproductive as they might end up marrying someone who treats them like your not so DH treats you

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/08/2023 09:11

There is so much fun joy and happiness ahead when you don't have a horrible person living with you :-)

Tiredalwaystired · 02/08/2023 09:25

And if you stay 17 years but the money ends up going on care home fees?

You only have control of now, not the future.

Swanswimming · 02/08/2023 09:27

This is all reasons to divorce as quickly as possible, not to stay. Let your parents get on with doing what they need to do re their assets and wills. When you're divorced your 'inheritance' will be safe from your ex husband anyway.

IAmKenough · 02/08/2023 09:28

17 years!!

It sounds utterly miserable. Do your kids a favour and build a happier life for everyone.

skgnome · 02/08/2023 09:32

Your parents still have several good years ahead of them
im going to tell you what my best friend told me; “life was so much better after my parents divorced, we (as kids) could see them miserable and fighting all the time (fine you’re not fighting) - once they split both of them we’re happy and it was better for all of us”
so if anything, split so the kids can have 2 happy (on their own) parents - way better that 2 parents that don’t even talk to each other

Tiqtaq · 02/08/2023 09:33

He sounds a peach.
Staying for the children is not necessarily going to work out well for them. They will grow up with a very warped idea of what a healthy relationship looks like and probably end up in similar relationships themselves. Is that what you want?

Hmindr68 · 02/08/2023 09:36

YABU to not divorce.

bulletproofcoffee · 02/08/2023 09:37

I have just signed up and made an account to post on this and so I could reply to you. (I have been a voyeur for a few years on here). PLEASE, PLEASE LEAVE!!!

As someone above wrote, you don't know how many years you have left. That hit home to me and I had to reply.

I am pretty young, fit and in my early thirties. In 2020 my Nan died, exactly a year later in 2021 my uncle died, on the day of the funeral I had test results back that I had cervical cancer (I was 30 at the time). That very moment, I decided to leave a gaslighting, lazy, emotional vampire, waste of space child (man) I had been in a relationship for over 4 years with. Wasting my time and my life, everything was grey and dull. IT WAS THE BEST THING I EVER DID

I appreciate you do have kids, and are married but I can guarantee you will be SO much better without him. You are clearly strong, independent and have financial health and supporting family (so it seems). One day you will be so proud that you did and have a much better man and support who will be proud to have a hard working woman like you. Your current husbands behaviour is not normal, nor representative of the good men out there.

ASGIRC · 02/08/2023 09:45

You do realise that staying for the kids will irreparably damage them and how they view relationships, right? Because they will grow in a horrible household, with parents who dont even speak to each other, and they will think that is the norm.

Leave. For the kids. Its better to have separated happy parents than married miserable ones.

CastleCrasher · 02/08/2023 09:49

Forget the inheritance. Leave for you and the DC. "Staying for the kids" is usually the worst thing a parent can do. Why subject them to years of living in an unhappy household and growing up with role models that teach them that the type of relationship you've just described is normal and ok.