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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked that a man in his mid-twenties does not work for a living?

611 replies

queenofsheep · 01/08/2023 16:48

DD's boyfriend, older than DD by a year, does not work. He got his degree, now lives off rental income and an allowance through a family trust fund. AIBU to be shocked that there are men/boys in their twenties who are allowed to do this?

He and DD seem happy. DD isn't concerned at all. He insists that it is work because he has to manage his houses. He and DD go on nice holidays and attend parties.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 03/08/2023 19:38

I don’t think op sounds eaten up with jealousy of her daughter.

I think a lot of working class people whose only experience of a “business owner” is working for a boss who treats his staff shabbily or with contempt or a landlord who fails to provide a duty of care then you can see how they fall into this mindset.

Maybe op automatically regards people like op’s bf with suspicion- wary of their character or motive. It’s a form of inverse snobbery based on experience. He’s not “one of us” I.e working class

Inverse snobbery is hard to overcome sometimes but no worse than the blatant snobbery I see on here daily.

Q2C4 · 03/08/2023 19:40

As long as he's paying his taxes & contributing that way I can't get excited by this. He will still have his wealth whether he works or not. By not working he's freeing up a job for someone who actually needs it.

Mayhem3 · 03/08/2023 19:49

queenofsheep · 03/08/2023 19:32

Odd don't you think that I'm being blasted for suggesting that young men should work? It's a completely normal path to take. I'm sure other privileged young men would make better use of their advantages, or am I mistaken? Hmm

But if he’s living off rental income then that is his job.

I think it’s important to keep your mind active but if I won the lottery there is no way I’d be doing 9-5 with over an hours commute every day.

He’s doing what we all wish we could do.

Chances are he will start a business (separate from being a landlord) in a couple of years once his trust fund is getting lower and he’s done everything.
He’s just enjoying his freedom whilst he can.

Teach your DD to be self sufficient and then you never need to worry about her relying on him.

Wibbleswombats · 03/08/2023 19:54

It's reverse snobbery and that's why people think you sound jealous.

Wealth doesn't make you happier, or nicer or nastier. People are still people.

Stick him in a office with a tie managing commercial property and that's a proper career with statutory protection of the title. Doing it in shorts and t-shirt from a young age makes no difference, still has to deal with the property and the people...

Why don't you want your DD to have a nice life?

Oohmissus · 03/08/2023 20:01

Nanny0gg · 03/08/2023 19:09

Why?

Show quote history

I was going to ask exactly the same.

LifeExperience · 03/08/2023 20:15

He manages a property portfolio. That's a job. And, yes, you do sound very resentful, OP. So he won the lucky sperm lottery, so what? Class envy is ugly.

Kisskiss · 03/08/2023 20:19

I do find it weird he doesn’t work given he was probably given a good education? Sounds lazy

Kisskiss · 03/08/2023 20:20

Don’t get why you’re all getting on OPs case, and quite aggressively? She doesn’t sound jealous, are you?

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/08/2023 20:23

I'm not trying to shit talk him, yet I'm being called jealous and bitter by people who would rather side with wealth. Says a lot about people

Because that's how you sound! What do you mean "siding with wealth". What a bizarre thing to say. His position is his position, it's none of your business whatsoever. You clearly disapprove of the fact this young man has private wealth. I have absolutely no idea why. You do you 🤷🏻‍♀️

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/08/2023 20:31

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/08/2023 20:23

I'm not trying to shit talk him, yet I'm being called jealous and bitter by people who would rather side with wealth. Says a lot about people

Because that's how you sound! What do you mean "siding with wealth". What a bizarre thing to say. His position is his position, it's none of your business whatsoever. You clearly disapprove of the fact this young man has private wealth. I have absolutely no idea why. You do you 🤷🏻‍♀️

I too wondered what is meant by "siding with wealth."

SmileyClare · 03/08/2023 20:37

I don’t think op is able to articulate her point well but the “siding with wealth” comment is probably fuelled by all the posters angrily defending this man’s character (comments like “he sounds intelligent, savvy with money, he’s probably a decent guy.. whilst accusing op of being bitter angry and jealous .. based on very little information?

Why don’t you want dd to have a nice life? that’s just being facetious isn’t it? Op hasn’t given any indication of this.

GoodChat · 03/08/2023 20:45

I'm not trying to shit talk him, yet I'm being called jealous and bitter by people who would rather side with wealth.

You are shit talking him though.

Nobody's siding with wealth. People are trying to explain that his life is just different to yours.

Why are you so worried?

Do you think DD will give up her studies to live off his money and be put in a vulnerable position?

Are you concerned that she'll enjoy the lavish lifestyle and forget her roots?

cartagenagina · 03/08/2023 20:51

queenofsheep · 03/08/2023 19:32

Odd don't you think that I'm being blasted for suggesting that young men should work? It's a completely normal path to take. I'm sure other privileged young men would make better use of their advantages, or am I mistaken? Hmm

But he is working! He’s in property management.

This thread is like banging your head against a brick wall.

OP, I don’t know what is wrong with you, but if you want to maintain a pleasant relationship with your DD you should probably keep your rather weird thoughts to yourself.

SmileyClare · 03/08/2023 20:58

There’s just not enough information to judge.

Maybe he parties most nights and doesn’t get up til 4 every day, maybe he pays an agent to manage the properties, maybe he and dd are forever jetting off on holidays and op is concerned that neither of them seem to have a work ethic or respect for people who have no choice but to work?

Can we have any more context op?

Moomindroll · 03/08/2023 21:01

I agree with OP that it’s weird. I know several people with private wealth. I know them through work. Yes, they don’t need to work, but they do because they gain something more than money from it or because they gain more money from it!

the thing that I find weird in all this, is that those people would generally side with the OP, making me wonder if the anti-OP outage is actually formed more from people who wish they didn’t have to, and so can’t see beyond their own ken, than people who have seen the possibility of not having to, and appreciate that work (in some respects) is its own reward- a concept that is maybe only available to those for whom it is a choice, not an obligation.

Either way, it’s lovely for him that he’s able to be work shy, but I’m not required to respectful of it.

Threenow · 03/08/2023 21:02

I'm not trying to shit talk him, yet I'm being called jealous and bitter by people who would rather side with wealth.

Oh don't be so ridiculous!!! What exactly is siding with wealth? I couldn't care less if people are wealthy or not, just as I couldn't care less if someone who doesn't have to work in a traditional job chooses not to.

You sound as though you are stuck in the good old class system which your country is entrenched in and are jealous of someone who has been born into wealth.

If my mother had come onto MN and started a thread like this about my boyfriend I would be furious - although my late DM was a lot less "shocked" about things than you appear to be.

LaDamaDeElche · 03/08/2023 21:05

But he is working! He’s in property management I don’t know why the OP and some other equally obtuse posters don’t understand this. Whether the properties are inherited or bought, done up and rented out, your job is in property management. It’s not a hard concept to grasp.

LaDamaDeElche · 03/08/2023 21:09

Either way, it’s lovely for him that he’s able to be work shy, but I’m not required to respectful of it He has a property portfolio which he manages. He is working. This is a job.

immigrant002 · 03/08/2023 21:17

If you had enough money not to work why would you ? Isn't that the dream ? You sound bitter!

LSSG · 03/08/2023 21:20

Farmageddon · 01/08/2023 17:07

This is pretty standard for rich people OP, live off family money, inheritance, property etc. Then have a little side job/ hobby to keep them occupied.

He's not stealing and he's not scrounging so it's fair enough, but it probably would bother me in that he wouldn't necessarily have the same work ethic as your daughter.

I tend to think that never having to go out into the real world and earn your own money sort of ruins people...fair enough if people later in life decide to slow down and simplify their lives, but to be that young and never have really had a real job at all would be off-putting for me personally.

I agree with this.

ThatFraggle · 03/08/2023 21:21

Have you never watched Downtown Abbey, read Jane Austen?

There was a whole class of people who lived off rental income: the gentry. And in the UK we didn't guillotine them.

Some policies, such as inheritance tax, meant that we now have far fewer than there used to be. But some families were savvy and have retained that wealth.

In that world it was actually considered 'vulgar' to have a 9-5. Some have a hobby that keeps them occupied.

The 'gentry' still exist, and it sounds like you met one of them, OP.

Kisskiss · 03/08/2023 21:22

LaDamaDeElche · 03/08/2023 21:05

But he is working! He’s in property management I don’t know why the OP and some other equally obtuse posters don’t understand this. Whether the properties are inherited or bought, done up and rented out, your job is in property management. It’s not a hard concept to grasp.

because if you have loads of properties you normally get the agency to manage them and if you have only a handful you can do it on the side of your actual job. Lots of people do this!

Kisskiss · 03/08/2023 21:25

Moomindroll · 03/08/2023 21:01

I agree with OP that it’s weird. I know several people with private wealth. I know them through work. Yes, they don’t need to work, but they do because they gain something more than money from it or because they gain more money from it!

the thing that I find weird in all this, is that those people would generally side with the OP, making me wonder if the anti-OP outage is actually formed more from people who wish they didn’t have to, and so can’t see beyond their own ken, than people who have seen the possibility of not having to, and appreciate that work (in some respects) is its own reward- a concept that is maybe only available to those for whom it is a choice, not an obligation.

Either way, it’s lovely for him that he’s able to be work shy, but I’m not required to respectful of it.

Well said!

pointythings · 03/08/2023 21:26

I worry about your obsession with the idea that young men should work. Why not young women?

As far as I'm concerned he's paying his way and he isn't taking a job someone else would need more. Fine by me.

Reverse snobbery is actually a thing.

Indigotree · 03/08/2023 21:27

ThatFraggle · 03/08/2023 21:21

Have you never watched Downtown Abbey, read Jane Austen?

There was a whole class of people who lived off rental income: the gentry. And in the UK we didn't guillotine them.

Some policies, such as inheritance tax, meant that we now have far fewer than there used to be. But some families were savvy and have retained that wealth.

In that world it was actually considered 'vulgar' to have a 9-5. Some have a hobby that keeps them occupied.

The 'gentry' still exist, and it sounds like you met one of them, OP.

This.
I'd worry as he doesn't seem to be using his wealth to do good for society, which I and most people I know certainly would, but otherwise I'd be glad if it potentially meant my grandchildren inherited wealth! ;)