Please help me explain to my elderly father why it isn’t ok to regularly prefix the word ‘woman’ with ‘silly’.

[W2345]

The words silly woman seem to roll off his tongue with relish if he feels he’s been let down by someone.

It wears me down every time I hear him say it and he gets angry with me when I challenge him about it and point out that he’s never referred to a man as silly. I don’t want my kids thinking it’s ok.

I find it demeaning. I have never called my children silly child etc. I think it’s ok to criticise a particular issue but not to put down a person completely in this way.

It’s difficult to distance myself from him and his attitudes because he needs my support but his misogynistic attitudes are draining me.

Yep I would start there then. "Oh that silly man nearly backed in to my car" etc. Ideally he'd cotton on quite quick and keep his misogyny to himself in future. If he questions it "well he's being silly isn't he, it's a silly thing to do".

I think the fact that you've gained respect for yourself as an adult woman in spite of his attitude is marvellous, and also why it's bothering you more now. You KNOW that women don't deserve being stereotyped and belittled and it's jarring to hear.

I hope you manage to get through to him.

Oh dear, I do call dd silly billy if she is being silly. I would use it for a man or woman if I felt they were being silly, though for me it's more in an affectionate way to people I know and care about and who will understand it is lighthearted. I also say 'silly man' if I see or hear Nigel Farage, Boris Johnson or similar and I need to be polite because dd is in earshot!

But sometimes people are silly, and sometimes that silly person is an adult female? I don't understand why it's never acceptable to call a woman silly, but it's okay to call a man silly.

Because he’s old and vulnerable and starts getting angry with me, shouting at me when I challenge his attitude.

Hence, I want to change his views somehow.

Yep! That’s what my df does.

Start using "stupid man" or a similar word in his presence every time, dont use the word silly though as he probably thinks men can never be silly so you are just another silly woman to say it. See how he reacts to stupid or idiotic men after a few times. It would be interesting to see if he dismisses that as easily.

I’d start with all the rambles about men with ‘silly man’ to prove a point

It depends what type of relationship you have with your dad I suppose. If you just find this slightly triggering and you otherwise have a good relationship and you love your dad then I would personally overlook it. There's going to come a time when you don't have him here anymore and you'd give anything to hear him call someone a silly woman.

Agree with this.

Children will absorb more from your average teacher than a grandparent, unless a GP is providing substantial amounts of care.

And to be honest, it's not a bad thing to expose children to the fact that some people speak and think differently - even if those thoughts are bad.

I have not even called my father a silly old man. Maybe I should ask him to consider how it might feel to be called that or how it might feel to witness another old man being called this. I’m pretty sure it would upset him.

I am also older, mid 50’s so am well aware of how ageism can feel.

I think it a very apt way to describe some women.

No, sometimes people do silly things.

Oh for goodness sake, are you really that oversensitive?

Adopt a stock response of “and you’re a miserable old git”

YABU to help someone who doesn't respect you.

Walk away fgs

Just start prefixing every mention of a man with 'silly'. He won't change. But it might cause a flicker of a question to pass across his mind.

My DH and my sis have the same job, different employers but essentially at the same level under slightly different specialities. Its the kind of job that links into real life stories a lot and my Dad will often ask DH, what to you think of this? He never asks my sister. She tried interjecting many times and he will blank her. Once DH wasn't even there and he says, I must ask DH what he would do with X, my sis was just out of ear shot and when I said 'ask your daughter, she is right here' and he said something like fgs why would she know anything about that. He literally admitted he has no respect for her professional opinion. Same man insisted his daughters get an education and I foolishly thought he wanted us to be self sufficient and respected but he just wanted people to know he 'put all his kids through college'.

What can you do? Its very hard to accept.

It’s not so easy to walk away from a relative who you love despite their flaws, especially when you know how vulnerable they would be without your support.

I'm a woman in my 50s and refer to both men and women as silly/stupid on occasion. Is it misogynistic because a man is saying it?

Same here. My father would rather ask a male relative with zero insight for advice over my advice as a female with professional insight into the subject he needs advice on.

No it could be considered disrespectful both people though.

As I said though, I’ve been putting up with hearing the silly woman term from him my entire life. Never heard him refer to another man as silly.

Isn’t is reasonable that I’ve had enough of hearing him say it?

@W2345 I never new “silly” was such a terrible insult. Have you really never said it to your children when they do something daft?

He is out of touch. It should be 'cis woman', not 'silly woman'.

My dad was always referred to as silly old bugger by his neighbour, I really don't see the problem, everyone seems to be outraged by something and want to challenge someone- chill!

It's a bit like holding doors open in that respect.

If whoever gets to the door first holds it open for whoever else is going through, great.

But where a bloke races women to the door and then makes a big performance of holding it open for them, that is different